# decoding man-speak **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 26, 2005, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097 "2005-04-26T00:44:10Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/61 "2005-04-27T05:38:44Z")
In the interest of fair play: I don’t know why all the hot chicks aren’t sleeping with me. _[Go figure.](http://www.humorhaus.com/images/realityformen.jpg)_ ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/62 "2005-04-27T06:19:21Z")
New one, from tonight. Let’s play some video games. _Once she sees what I can do with this controller, I am guaranteed to get into her pants._ The guy who said it laughed and agreed with my translation so I think it’s all right. ---
**Author:** ![js\_africanus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/87869e/32.png) [@js\_africanus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/js_africanus)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/63 "2005-04-27T17:39:05Z")
Based on previous television viewing, it only takes a short time to assess what’s on a particular station. Occassional longer pauses serve to confirm this belief. It’s an example of better living through mathematics: now I don’t have to waste valuable time looking for a channel with tits on the screen. ---
**Author:** ![Dob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Dob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dob)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/64 "2005-04-27T18:43:34Z")
Cant believe the men here didnt post this one, cause I know we all use it! “I hate porn, its disgusting” _I love porn and pray every night you will watch some with me!_ ---
**Author:** ![Askia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/96bed5/32.png) [@Askia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askia)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/65 "2005-04-27T19:38:06Z")
**No, I don’t own any porn. Go ahead! Look around all you like.** FOOL. Better women than you have tried to find the Boobie Stash! Tried and failed! You think those Victoria’s Secret catalogues in the sock drawer is it, but that’s just my decoy porn. Only I know its current location is under the false floorboard between the armoire and your mother’s oak vanity chest filled with linens you never use and you and I BOTH KNOW that you don’t have the upper body strength to move them BOTH. Ha ha ha haaah! ---
**Author:** ![kidchameleon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/898d66/32.png) [@kidchameleon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidchameleon)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 7:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/66 "2005-04-27T19:57:21Z")
> [@Askia](#): > > **No, I don’t own any porn. Go ahead! Look around all you like.** > > FOOL. Better women than you have tried to find the Boobie Stash! Tried and failed! You think those Victoria’s Secret catalogues in the sock drawer is it, but that’s just my decoy porn. Only I know its current location is under the false floorboard between the armoire and your mother’s oak vanity chest filled with linens you never use and you and I BOTH KNOW that you don’t have the upper body strength to move them BOTH. Ha ha ha haaah! That’s freaking hellarious. Manspeak: The game’s almost over. (Or it’s the two minute warning) Womanspeak: I’m almost ready to go. (Or let me just touch up my makeup) ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/67 "2005-04-27T20:01:30Z")
> [@Dob](#): > > Cant believe the men here didnt post this one, cause I know we all use it! > > “I hate porn, its disgusting” > _I love porn and pray every night you will watch some with me!_ Well maybe not all of us… my girlfriend bought me some vintage porn as a gift recently. (sorry to interrupt the joking) Hi honey, you look great! _sex?_ Awww, I love you. _sex?_ I like what you’ve done with your hair! _sex?_ Let’s snuggle some. _Can I trick you into having sex?_ I’ve planned a nice romantic evening for us. _sex?_ I’m tired. _Can you initiate sex please?_ God, I’m exhausted. _Add a blowjob too?_ You’re the best girlfriend I’ve ever had. _You give much better head than the others._ You look beautiful in whatever you wear. _Has this comment earned me enough points that I can redeem them for sex?_ I’m hungry. _I’m hungry. But some sex would still be nice._ Oh, look, the game’s on. _Shut up._ I don’t really feel like talking about our relationship. _Can’t we just have sex?_ Of course you’re the only woman for me! _At least that’s all you can prove…_ No, I never ever considered a threesome. _With your best friend. Okay, just that one time._ Would you please get me a beer? _And blow me?_ ---
**Author:** ![Dob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Dob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dob)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/68 "2005-04-27T20:07:57Z")
> [@](#): > > Well maybe not all of us… my girlfriend bought me some vintage porn as a gift recently. Gloating shouldnt be allowed in here 🙂 Your GF have a sister?? or sexy mother? ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/69 "2005-04-27T20:10:32Z")
We are noticing a pattern here. 😃 Sure, I’ll call you. _…when the sun absorbs the earth._ No, I’m not jealous. _You’re f_cking all your male friends, aren’t you?\* You look great! _She looks mad. Maybe I can ward off the explosion for a little while by buttering her up._ No, none of your friends are as pretty as you. _…they’re all much hotter. Except for that redhead, but I’d still do her._ ---
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/70 "2005-04-27T22:38:53Z")
I love you. _sex?_ In the mood for a little romance? _kinky sex?_ I bought you something. _bondage and domination?_ How about we send the kids off for a nice weekend with your parents? _sex club?_ I like your sister. She’s funny. _How come she got the big rack and you didn’t?_ II’ll get started on that as soon as I finish this. _At some point between today and the day I die. If nothing else comes up._ I’m going to the hardware store. _That should kill the rest of the day._ Stop nagging! _I heard your request the first time. It has been noted and placed in the queue. I will respond at a time determined by me. That is all._ I’m going running. _I can’t stand it here one more minute._ I’m going to the gym. _The girls there are much hotter than the ones I see while running._ Some days the job just wears me out. _I got passed over for a promotion again. I’m stuck in middle management hell and will never be more successful than I am at this very moment. I will probably be laid off in the next round. All I really wanted to do was play in the band, but NO, you wanted security! So I got a “real” job and look where I am now. I haven’t seen the guys from the band in years. I wonder if they’re still playing. I remember when you used to hang out and watch us every night. You were such a hottie back then. Now look at you. My life sucks and it’s all your fault._ ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/71 "2005-04-28T01:31:10Z")
> [@Harimad-sol](#): > > Let’s play some video games. > _Once she sees what I can do with this controller, I am guaranteed to get into her pants._ When they say some women are drawn to “controlling” men, I don’t think that’s _quite_ what they mean. ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/72 "2005-04-28T02:37:53Z")
> [@Beware of Doug](#): > > When they say some women are drawn to “controlling” men, I don’t think that’s _quite_ what they mean. That is an interpretation I never even considered. A very funny one. ---
**Author:** ![lunarnoodle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c5a1d2/32.png) [@lunarnoodle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lunarnoodle)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/73 "2005-04-28T04:18:45Z")
> [@FinnAgain](#): > > Well maybe not all of us… my girlfriend bought me some vintage porn as a gift recently. The only reason I bought that for you though is because I was curious to see it. Who knew people were so raunchy in the twenties? [insert man phrase here] _I want sex._ I’m hungry. _I’m hungry_ or _I want sex._ …_and then a sammich_ ---
**Author:** ![Isosleepy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/isosleepy/32/479_2.png) [@Isosleepy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Isosleepy)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 1:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/74 "2005-04-28T13:04:07Z")
No, I don’t mind \*I mind. But not enough to deal with the whole discussion bound to follow me saying so. \* That’s fine. _It isn’t, but I can’t really articulate why it isn’t, and it isn’t important enough to waste more than 3 words on anyway_ I’m sorry _I have no idea what the F@%$ just happened, but given the buzz-saw I just walked into, I’d best say the magic words._ Yeah, I’m listening \*You say everything at least 3 times. At the end, it will turn out that you don’t want me to provide a solution to whatever you’re nattering on about, you just want me to listen, and to care. I just skinned my knuckles trying to detach this garbage disposal, where I know I’ll find congealed grease, despite the fact that I have explained to you why that isn’t something you pour down the damn thing at least 3 times. In short sentences. Looking for a specific action on your part. This sh&t really hurts, and the bleeding is getting worse. Damn, why won’t this thing come off already. It’d be nice if there was a reward at the end of here project. Que the “chicka chicka” - ah, fat chance. Darn, thought I’d fixed that leak. \* ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2005, 12:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/75 "2005-05-06T12:24:46Z")
> [@unclviny](#): > > I just saw the “equal time” thread. I have been having problems lately with the whole “put upon wife” thing. > > Unclviny The search engine’s not working for me. Where is the equal time thread? ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2005, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/76 "2005-05-06T14:07:19Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > The search engine’s not working for me. Where is the equal time thread? [Here it is.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=313738) ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2005, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/77 "2005-05-06T21:58:32Z")
Oh. Okay. I thought he meant some GD about whether spouses should devote equal time to household chores or something. Thanks, though. ---
**Author:** ![Albert\_Rose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9de053/32.png) [@Albert\_Rose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Albert_Rose)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2005, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/78 "2005-06-02T04:56:42Z")
> [@Rhubarb](#): > > Some football quarterback (:blank:) on Saturday Night Live. > > Where’s my cookie?! Joe Montana. No cookie! For your penance, recite the words to “You Shook Me All Night Long” twice. ---
**Author:** ![whistlepig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/73ab20/32.png) [@whistlepig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whistlepig)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2005, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/79 "2005-06-03T13:31:40Z")
> [@matt\_mcl](#): > > Certainly; but it’s couched in generalities and moral neutrality, and it’s a far cry from that to this kind of ‘humour’ and to the aforementioned bitterness and mean-spiritedness which is not necessarily the inspiration to this thread but all too often springs from the same root. > > For example, I don’t think it’s an accident that all of the things mentioned here make the ‘other side’ look bad. They’re appeals, albeit non-serious ones, to the tired battle-of-the-sexes thing, which it really is high time people all got over, _especially_ in romantic relationships. My Og, you can suck the fun right out of a joke thread. Did you actually read your first sentence/paragraph above? Whistlepig ---
**Author:** ![ReuvenB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9fc348/32.png) [@ReuvenB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ReuvenB)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2005, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097/80 "2005-06-03T16:47:37Z")
> [@Nunavut Boy](#): > > Here’s some cookies. Just be sure to leave a byte for someone else. Well, at least a bit. > > 01000011 01001111 01001111 01001011 01001001 01000101 00100000 01000011 01001111 01001111 01001011 01001001 01000101 00100000 01000011 01001111 01001111 01001011 01001001 01000101 00100000 01000011 01001111 01001111 01001011 01001001 01000101 00001101 00001010 01001001 01100110 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01100001 01110010 01100101 00100000 01110010 01100101 01100001 01100100 01101001 01101110 01100111 00100000 01110100 01101000 01101001 01110011 00101100 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 00100000 01101000 01100001 01110110 01100101 00100000 01110100 01101111 01101111 00100000 01101101 01110101 01100011 01101000 00100000 01110100 01101001 01101101 01100101 00100000 01101111 01101110 00100000 01111001 01101111 01110101 01110010 00100000 01101000 01100001 01101110 01100100 01110011 > > Oh my god, I’ve now officially turned into my father. Cookie? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-man-speak/301097.md?page=3)