# Decoding woman-speak **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 26, 2005, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108 "2005-04-26T01:53:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Elysian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c77e96/32.png) [@Elysian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elysian)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/21 "2005-04-26T15:47:00Z")
These sorts of things are very mean-spirited. If you want to bash women, why don’t you just come out and say it. Here is what I mean when I say things. Believe it or not, all women are not evil bitches. What are you thinking? _I would like a conversation with you and would love to talk about something you are interested in._ [Something bad happened] and I don’t know what to do. _Can you please talk it over with me so I can get a different perspective._ Oh, I don’t care. You decide. _Really. I don’t give a shit. And I’m tired of talking about it._ I want your opinion. Be honest. _Because if this skirt is making my backside look like bread dough, I have another that is more flattering._ It’s not you, it’s me, _I don’t know why I’m being so bitchy, and I’m sorry._ Do I look like I’ve gained weight? _I know I’ve gained weight. This is your chance to be a hero and make me feel better about myself._ Do these pants make my ass look fat? _I’ve got another pair that may make me look better._ I’m a feminist! _I want to make as much as he does._ Women are equal to men in every respect! _They are._ I don’t really like other women. _They tend to judge me on what I’m wearing and I get sick of it._ Where do you see this going? _How soon can I get out of this relationship if you don’t feel the same as I do?_ I think this is going too fast… _This is our second date. Don’t tell me you love me._ Let’s go out, we never do anything special anymore. _My ass is numb from sitting at the computer._ I’m not sure where this relationship is going anymore. _I think you are seeing someone else. Bye bye._ You watch football and drink beer all the time! _Are the Colts playing? Yes! Do you have another Heineken?_ I feel like going out tonight and dancing. _See the aforesaid numb butt._ You want a threesome! You’re disgusting! _I’m not interested in other women and I don’t intend to be used by you. Bye._ I’d like to do something romantic. _Football is great, but let’s go camping and roast marshmallows, giggle and tell ghost stories._ Do you think I need a new pair of shoes? _I need a brown pair to match this outfit, and the one I have doesn’t match. Is it noticeable?_ Which do I look better in, the blue one or the green one? _Which should I buy? I don’t want to buy both._ You never put the toilet seat down! _I don’t like falling in._ Do you **have** to go out tonight with your buddies? _Can I come with?_ Awww, look at that kitten, it’s so cute! _Isn’t it adorable? Can we take it home with us?_ Do you think she’s good looking? _I think she’s gorgeous. I love her hair._ What do you think of my friends? _Do you want to hang out with them, or should I make plans with them by myself?_ Why should I dress differently because I’ve got a boyfriend? _Well, why?_ Honey, would you please run over to the store and pick me up something? _I’ve been in the car for four hours today and I’m sick of looking at it._ You’re so nice to me! _You’re a sweetie!_ You’re the sweetest guy I know! _I think you’re great!_ I like our friendship the way it is. _You’re nice, but you don’t turn me on._ I just want to cuddle. _I feel depressed and want to be held._ We need to talk. _I haven’t seen you for four days and I have something important to tell you._ I’m so upset! _Please listen to me, I need someone to talk to._ Hopefully this will tone down some of the bashing. I don’t think this kind of thing is light-hearted at all. It sounds bitter and mean. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/22 "2005-04-26T15:56:09Z")
I’m still trying to puzzle out what my wife asked yesterday… I was listening to Jim Rome and the draft was the big topic of the day. Rome mentioned how 2003’s Heisman winner, QB Jason White of Oklahoma, wasn’t even drafted even though three of his receivers were. My wife turns to me and asks: “Jason White? Isn’t he the one who blew out his knees a few years ago?” :eek: 😉 😃 ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/23 "2005-04-26T16:02:30Z")
I heard this one on the radio, and from my experience, it is true as often as not: “I’m fine” _I’m REALLY pissed off, and I’m going to make you guess what about. And God help you if you guess wrong!_ ---
**Author:** ![F.U.Shakespeare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aca169/32.png) [@F.U.Shakespeare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/F.U.Shakespeare)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/24 "2005-04-26T16:03:06Z")
“I’m not comfortable talking about this”. _“I’m losing this argument.”_ ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/25 "2005-04-26T16:18:32Z")
> [@SolGrundy](#): > > Oh, I don’t care. You decide. > > You have 5 minutes. Be prepared to show your work. This test will count for 90% of your final grade. How true! > [@Elysian](#): > > I don’t like falling in. This is such a tired excuse. (Mind you, I never leave the lid up, it just aggravates me that it’s such a big deal with people.) When you walk into the bathroom, you’re generally walking **toward** the toilet, and can **see** whether or not the lid is up, at which time you can **lower** the lid if necessary. This crap about ‘falling in’ is based on walking backwards to the toilet so that one never sees it and it’s a BIG MYSTERY whether or not the seat is down, which is utterly fallacious. BTW, I don’t think this is woman-bashing, so much as a chance for guys who’ve fallen in with women who do this (and if you don’t think they’re out there, you’re kidding yourself; for what it’s worth, much of the stuff in the guys thread is equally true) to air their frustrations in a whimsical manner–just as the women who’ve fallen in with manipulative guys can do the same thing in the “decoding man-speak” thread. It’s great that you’re so up-front, **Elysian** , but the fact is that many (most?) men and women are not. Attempting to stifle discussion on the subject just makes for more frustration all around. And, of course, when an equal thread comes up about men nobody says “This is man-bashing! Be more respectful!”. That’s because it’s not man-bashing–and this isn’t woman-bashing, either. I’m not trying to bash anyone or make you or anyone else feel bad, OK? ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/26 "2005-04-26T16:28:16Z")
> [@fetus](#): > > And, of course, when an equal thread comes up about men nobody says “This is man-bashing! Be more respectful!”. That’s because it’s not man-bashing–and this isn’t woman-bashing, either. From the other thread: > [@unclviny](#): > > So if I start a thread bashing women is everybody going to think it’s funny or would it be offensive?. So it was at least mentioned in passing. As for the OP: _Every_ woman I’ve had a relationship with (or the beginnings of one) has said ‘It’s not you. It’s me.’ Am I just unlucky? Or is it really me? _No_ woman who said I’d make a good b/f, etc. has ever gone out with me. I’ve _never_ had a chance with a woman who called me ‘sweet’ – except for my ex-fiancée, who said ‘It’s not you. It’s me.’ Am I bitter? Probably. But empirical evidence tends to support the translations. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![JohnBckWLD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@JohnBckWLD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnBckWLD)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 4:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/27 "2005-04-26T16:32:57Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > There (are) martyrs everywhere, even on the Dope. (From an entirely different thread) ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/28 "2005-04-26T16:42:55Z")
I have never said “It’s not you, it’s me.” Unfortunately I have a feeling you’ve just hit the odds a certain way. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/29 "2005-04-26T17:26:51Z")
You’ve never been anything but good to me. _I’m leaving while you’re away on business for the weekend. I’ll never tell you why. Oh, and BTW, I’ll be taking all my stuff, all “our” stuff, and some of your stuff with me when I go._ ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/30 "2005-04-26T17:30:38Z")
> [@Elysian](#): > > These sorts of things are very mean-spirited. No they’re not. > [@Elysian](#): > > If you want to bash women, why don’t you just come out and say it. Cuz… I don’t want to bash women? But boy am I willing to playfully engage in some battle-of-the-sexes type poking fun at steryotypes. I mean… you’d think that I went out of my way and included a disclaimer that I was being tongue in cheek. Ah well. > [@Elysian](#): > > Hopefully this will tone down some of the bashing. Yes, but, see… yours wasn’t funny. ---
**Author:** ![Lynn\_Bodoni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/e47c2d/32.png) [@Lynn\_Bodoni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lynn_Bodoni)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 5:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/31 "2005-04-26T17:52:15Z")
> [@](#): > > Awww, look at that kitten, it’s so cute! > _Isn’t it adorable? Can we take it home with us?_ That’s certainly what _I_ mean when I exclaim over the cuteness of a kitten. Usually I’m not nearly that subtle, though. I see a kitten, say Awwwwww, and then tell my husband that I want a baby kitty cat. He always says that we have ENOUGH kitty cats. Then I say I just want to pet this one for a little bit. He says that I won’t put it down afterwards (this is probably true). Then he mentions the fact that he hasn’t got a single grandchild, first to me, and then to our daughter. We both tell him to go play with his grand-nieces and -nephews. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/32 "2005-04-26T18:00:26Z")
These sorts of things are very mean-spirited. _You are funny and clever and 100% accurate and I don’t like it._ If you want to bash women, why don’t you just come out and say it. _I don’t like it when men are enjoying themselves._ Here is what I mean when I say things. _I want to go home with you and have sex._ Believe it or not, all women are not evil bitches. _We are all evil bitches._ Hopefully this will tone down some of the bashing. _Well, this should put those bastards in their place._ I don’t think this kind of thing is light-hearted at all. _These men are not worshipping the ground I walk on. I wonder if I gained weight?_ It sounds bitter and mean. _Arrogant, clever men turn me on and it scares me._ ---
**Author:** ![Elysian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c77e96/32.png) [@Elysian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elysian)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/33 "2005-04-26T18:03:48Z")
Hey, **msmith** , I already know what you are. You don’t have to go out of your way to prove it. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/34 "2005-04-26T18:07:16Z")
**Elysian** , we’re _still_ waiting for you to dump on [url=http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=313726&page=1]this thread\*, lest you be accused of hypocrisy. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/35 "2005-04-26T18:08:12Z")
> [@msmith537](#): > > These sorts of things are very mean-spirited. > _You are funny and clever and 100% accurate and I don’t like it._ > > If you want to bash women, why don’t you just come out and say it. > _I don’t like it when men are enjoying themselves._ > > Here is what I mean when I say things. > _I want to go home with you and have sex._ > > Believe it or not, all women are not evil bitches. > _We are all evil bitches._ > > Hopefully this will tone down some of the bashing. > _Well, this should put those bastards in their place._ > > I don’t think this kind of thing is light-hearted at all. > _These men are not worshipping the ground I walk on. I wonder if I gained weight?_ > > It sounds bitter and mean. > _Arrogant, clever men turn me on and it scares me._ [Wile E. Coyote] Genius! Sheer…genius![/Wile E.Coyote] ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/36 "2005-04-26T18:08:22Z")
Damnable coding! ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/37 "2005-04-26T18:09:19Z")
> [@Elysian](#): > > Hey, **msmith** , I already know what you are. You don’t have to go out of your way to prove it. If you’re going to accuse everyone participating in this thread of being sexist, would you mind doing it in the Pit? ---
**Author:** ![Elysian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c77e96/32.png) [@Elysian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elysian)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/38 "2005-04-26T18:15:14Z")
> [@fetus](#): > > This is such a tired excuse. (Mind you, I never leave the lid up, it just aggravates me that it’s such a big deal with people.) When you walk into the bathroom, you’re generally walking **toward** the toilet, and can **see** whether or not the lid is up, at which time you can **lower** the lid if necessary. This crap about ‘falling in’ is based on walking backwards to the toilet so that one never sees it and it’s a BIG MYSTERY whether or not the seat is down, which is utterly fallacious. You can see when the toilet lid is up if the lights are on. I’ve had the unfortunate experience of going to the bathroom without turning the lights on and dipping my cheeks in the water. My father was very bad about leaving the seat up. I didn’t turn the lights on because it would have blinded me. Tell me that you haven’t gone to the bathroom with the lights out. > [@fetus](#): > > BTW, I don’t think this is woman-bashing, so much as a chance for guys who’ve fallen in with women who do this (and if you don’t think they’re out there, you’re kidding yourself; for what it’s worth, much of the stuff in the guys thread is equally true) to air their frustrations in a whimsical manner–just as the women who’ve fallen in with manipulative guys can do the same thing in the “decoding man-speak” thread. It’s great that you’re so up-front, **Elysian** , but the fact is that many (most?) men and women are not. Attempting to stifle discussion on the subject just makes for more frustration all around. And, of course, when an equal thread comes up about men nobody says “This is man-bashing! Be more respectful!”. That’s because it’s not man-bashing–and this isn’t woman-bashing, either. I’m not trying to bash anyone or make you or anyone else feel bad, OK? There is another thread, as **JohnT** has so gallantly reminded me, about men. And there is an awful lot of sexism in that thread, too. I haven’t gone over there yet because I’m a woman, and I’m going to defend women. If you have a problem, go over in that thread _yourself_. I’m not attempting to stifle discussion. I am merely reminding everyone that not all women act in this fashion, and I resent the implication that they do. And I don’t give a rat’s ass whether my post was not funny. That was not my intent. You didn’t make me feel bad. I’m merely trying to dilute the supposed hilarity of a very bitter attitude toward women. ---
**Author:** ![Elysian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/c77e96/32.png) [@Elysian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elysian)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/39 "2005-04-26T18:23:19Z")
> [@Lord Ashtar](#): > > If you’re going to accuse everyone participating in this thread of being sexist, would you mind doing it in the Pit? If I was to accuse **msmith** of anything, it would be a lot more than just the accusation that he’s sexist. But this is not in the pit, and I don’t want this thread to be moved. I have accomplished what I set out to do. Instead of being a “funny” thread where men attack women, it’s a mean-spirited thread where men attack ME. Great! Thanks a lot, people. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2005, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/40 "2005-04-26T18:25:53Z")
> [@](#): > > I haven’t gone over there yet because I’m a woman, and I’m going to defend women. Restated, means: “I’m not a sexist, except when the gender under discussion is men. _Then_ I’m a sexist!” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108.md?page=3)