# Decoding woman-speak **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 26, 2005, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108 "2005-04-26T01:53:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Atheist\_Princess](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a88e57/32.png) [@Atheist\_Princess](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atheist_Princess)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 11:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/101 "2005-04-27T11:48:50Z")
> [@iampunha](#): > > Speaking as just one guy, my friends would either have the common sense not to say such a thing to me or would soon find themselves on very thin ice indeed. But then I tend not to gravitate toward people who would say thoughtless things like that. > > (There are significant differences between “Your girlfriend’s ass looked so big last night, everyone wanted to just stand behind her and drool.” and “Your girlfriend’s ass looked so big last night. Tell her to lose some weight, dude.” The first is acceptable. The second I fortunately haven’t had to deal with because my friends aren’t idiots.) Ok, maybe an over-statement. What I meant was that I wouldnt want to embarrass my boyfriend by looking unattractive. I’d want him to be proud to show me off and snuggle me in public…And I think I’d picture something like “Man AP’s ass looks fat…cant belevieMr AP bones that!” ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/102 "2005-04-27T11:56:56Z")
> [@catsix](#): > > I can laugh at both of them, actually. I just don’t find it surprising that the first one where the bitching and moaning showed up was this one, or that there was more of it here than the other thread. > > There are women who behave this way, and there are men who behave the way in the other thread. And because of that, these threads are funny. Quite true. Haven’t anything else to add. I just agree. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 12:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/103 "2005-04-27T12:08:44Z")
Reminding me of the old joke - How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? THAT"S NOT FUNNY! Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![iampunha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/74df32/32.png) [@iampunha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iampunha)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/104 "2005-04-27T12:23:45Z")
> [@Atheist Princess](#): > > Ok, maybe an over-statement. What I meant was that I wouldnt want to embarrass my boyfriend by looking unattractive. I’d want him to be proud to show me off and snuggle me in public…And I think I’d picture something like “Man AP’s ass looks fat…cant belevieMr AP bones that!” Maybe I know the wrong guys, or maybe I’m in a significant minority. Most of my friends, male or otherwise, wouldn’t say something like “Man, **punha** ’s girl looked ugly today. I should tell him that.” They might think, based on that day’s choice of wardrobe, “Is she running late?” and ask how she was doing, but the company I keep isn’t the sort who’d negatively opine (in the manner proffered in your posts) to me about the appearance of someone significant to me. I’ve no doubt at all that there are guys like that. I just happen not to care about their feelings on people they don’t know. Further, it’s none of my concern if a friend’s SO happens to wear something that doesn’t fit at all (“isn’t quite right for her figure,” except as a massive understatement, isn’t something I find myself thinking unless I give it a _lot_ of thought, and I rarely do) unless she happens to be, say, sitting on me. And that doesn’t happen very often. Plus, hey, everyone has times when they suddenly discover it’s laundry day. ---
**Author:** ![Silver\_Fire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e4f/32.png) [@Silver\_Fire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silver_Fire)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/105 "2005-04-27T15:08:05Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > There’s this thing called a ‘night-light’. They sell for about $2 at S-Mart. A night light?! :rolleyes: I give you the [LavNav](http://www.iwantoneofthose.com/LAVNAV.htm). It’s sad how much I want one of those, and I’m not even in the “Damn you, put the fucking SEAT DOWN!” crowd, since the lid is always closed anyway. I don’t even need one for light because it’s never completely dark in my bathroom; I just think they’re neat. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![coffeecat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/coffeecat/32/3405_2.png) [@coffeecat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/coffeecat)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/106 "2005-04-27T15:43:46Z")
“No, they don’t make your ass look big enough, because you’re so drop-dead gorgeous it’s all I can do to keep from jumping on you and making mad, passionate love to you 24-7, and if I do that the cashiers at the supermarket will start to talk. Can’t you stop being so breathtaking?” Borrow it if you want. ---
**Author:** ![kidchameleon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/898d66/32.png) [@kidchameleon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kidchameleon)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/107 "2005-04-27T16:51:52Z")
> [@Elysian](#): > > I didn’t turn the lights on because it would have blinded me. You might consider getting lightbulbs of a lower wattage. Or installing a dimmer switch. ---
**Author:** ![Greathouse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/greathouse/32/2992_2.png) [@Greathouse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Greathouse)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/108 "2005-04-27T17:28:30Z")
> [@Elysian](#): > > I didn’t turn the lights on because it would have blinded me. As opposed to being blind in the dark, and on top of that ending up with a wet ass. Or you’re one of the often heard about, but rarely seen people who can see in the dark, but not the light. Hmmmm…Still doesn’t explain the wet ass though. ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/109 "2005-04-27T18:03:26Z")
Guys **never** have to turn on the lights in a dark bathroom and squint as their vision adjusts. And women should not be so cruelly put upon either. Oh, the humanity! ---
**Author:** ![Telperien](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/65b543/32.png) [@Telperien](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telperien)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/110 "2005-04-27T18:16:59Z")
Step into the bathroom, locate the light switch, and close your eyes as you flip the light on. Please. ---
**Author:** ![Johanna](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johanna/32/8318_2.png) [@Johanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johanna)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2005, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/111 "2005-04-27T18:53:39Z")
All I can tell you is, when I say I can’t handle a relationship right now, I really mean just that. I’m not brushing you off, I simply cannot handle any relationship right now, not with anyone, period. Maybe not even with myself! ---
**Author:** ![Leviosaurus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/439d5e/32.png) [@Leviosaurus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leviosaurus)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/112 "2005-04-29T07:45:24Z")
> [@Elysian](#): > > Do you think I need a new pair of shoes? > _I need a brown pair to match this outfit, and the one I have doesn’t match. Is it noticeable?_ I don’t want dump on you, **Elysian** , (I think enough people have,) but I have to ask - why in the world would anyone ask a straight man this question and expect a useful response? I mean, honestly… ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 12:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/113 "2005-04-29T12:56:14Z")
> [@FinnAgain](#): > > You’re the sweetest guy I know! > And I will cry on your shoulder after I come home from fucking my outlaw biker boyfriend and tell you all about how he doesn’t respect me and I wish I could find a sweet guy. Then I’ll go fuck him again. I’m glad (well, sort of) that this was not just specific to my situation. ---
**Author:** ![Aangelica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b2d939/32.png) [@Aangelica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aangelica)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/114 "2005-04-29T15:18:17Z")
I am forced to say unto JohnT /POKE. That is all. You may go about your regularly scheduled business. Have a fabulous day. ---
**Author:** ![TheBoneyKingofNowhere](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@TheBoneyKingofNowhere](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheBoneyKingofNowhere)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2005, 8:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/115 "2005-05-05T20:24:28Z")
> [@Elysian](#): > > Oh, I don’t care. You decide. > _Really. I don’t give a shit. And I’m tired of talking about it._ Actually, of the several girlfriends I’ve had, the statement “Oh, I don’t care. You decide” has never, ever, actually meant, “Oh, I don’t care, you decide.” In my experience, it’s more like, “oh, I tell myself that I don’t care, but really I hope you read my mind, and if not, I’ll just try to act like I don’t care, even thought I probably unknowingly will.” 🙂 but the more experience you have the more you just learn to avoid these situations before they happen. I really _don’t_ think that makes me a sexist, but maybe it does, I don’t really care, I guess, 'cause even if it does I probably won’t change my stereotype. ---
**Author:** ![Albert\_Rose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9de053/32.png) [@Albert\_Rose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Albert_Rose)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2005, 5:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/116 "2005-06-02T05:28:26Z")
For what it’s worth, putting the toilet seat down isn’t all that difficult. Both males and females are capable of it. Making an issue out of the toilet seat’s upness/downness is a bit wasteful. Just my opinion. I can only speak for myself, but these threads resonate, even when my experience differs from the stereotype. For me, they’re fun, and sometimes an outlet for my frustrations. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/45deac/32.png) [@Evil\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_One)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2005, 3:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/117 "2005-06-03T15:05:08Z")
> [@FinnAgain](#): > > Y chromosomes have little radio transmitters which allow all men everywhere to remain in constant contact. This is very convenient when we organize to oppress people. This is one of the finest and most amusing examples of sarcasm I have seen in a while. I bow to you, FinnAgain. ---
**Author:** ![Evil\_One](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/45deac/32.png) [@Evil\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Evil_One)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2005, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/118 "2005-06-03T15:13:03Z")
The matching shoes comment was right on the money as well. Here is how I shop for shoes. 1. Find shoes in proper size on display. 2. Look at price. Low enough? Good. 3. Try them on. Do they fit? Yes? Good. 4. Then and only then consider style and color. ---
**Author:** ![dotchan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9d8465/32.png) [@dotchan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dotchan)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2005, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/119 "2005-06-03T15:59:40Z")
Girl here, or at least I was one the last time I checked. I tend to be somewhat of an uncute tomboy, though. Anyway, here’s some Momspeak. She Says: Oh, my God! What did you do? She Means: _Don’t tell me, I already know. And don’t try any stupid excuses, either. Just clean up your damn mess already. Oh, yeah, and you’re grounded._ She Says: Met anyone yet? She Means: _I want some grandkids._ She Says: What do you plan to do with your life? She Means: _Your job sucks. You should have listened to me and become a doctor._ She Says: Where are you going? She Means: _You’d better not be seeing that punk kid again. On second thought, you’re not allowed to go out at all. You’re grounded._ She Says: I’d like to discuss something with you. She Means: _I want you to do [insert chore here]._ She Says: You left the toilet seat up again. She Means: _You’re lazy, you don’t clean your room when I tell you to, and you spend way too much time playing video games._ She Says: Haven’t you played enough video games today? She Means: _Put down the damn controller and do some chores already._ ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Carrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@Captain\_Carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Carrot)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2005, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108/120 "2005-06-04T01:45:20Z")
Am I the only guy in the entire universe who doesn’t pee standing up? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108.md?page=5) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/decoding-woman-speak/301108.md?page=7)