# Define cheating: relationship question **URL:** \ **Category:** Great Debates\ **Created:** [December 22, 2003, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488 "2003-12-22T18:39:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Carlos619](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6bbea6/32.png) [@Carlos619](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carlos619)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488/1 "2003-12-22T18:39:58Z")
Is it cheating if you kiss another woman? Is it cheating if you’re somewhat drunk and kiss another woman? When is it cheating and when is it not cheating? Sex is a given, but when it comes to kissing, it’s a bit gray. ---
**Author:** ![Rashak\_Mani](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rashak\_Mani](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rashak_Mani)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488/2 "2003-12-22T18:42:58Z")
Its cheating yourself when you really want to have sex with another woman and then deny yourself ? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Meatros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488/3 "2003-12-22T18:49:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Carlos619 \* > \*\*Is it cheating if you kiss another woman? Is it cheating if you’re somewhat drunk and kiss another woman? When is it cheating and when is it not cheating? Sex is a given, but when it comes to kissing, it’s a bit gray. \*\* That all depends on who you are with. Some people wouldn’t consider that cheating, while others would. This is probably a more “IMO” type question. To me, I’d say it’s cheating if you kiss another woman, even while drunk. I base this off of two things: How my wife would respond, were she there with me, and the intent that I had while kissing the other woman. ---
**Author:** ![toadspittle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c0e974/32.png) [@toadspittle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/toadspittle)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488/4 "2003-12-22T19:06:39Z")
Kissing, when drunk or no, is cheating. Here’s the easiest way to tell: If your WIFE (drunk or not) kissed some other guy, would you pissed? If so, then it’s cheating. If not, then you have a much more open relationship than most, I would deem. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Ashtar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ea924/32.png) [@Lord\_Ashtar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Ashtar)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488/5 "2003-12-22T19:08:39Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by toadspittle \* > **Kissing, when drunk or no, is cheating.** I agree. Seems like a pretty simple question if you ask me. ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488/6 "2003-12-22T19:18:40Z")
The rule I’ve noticed tends to be…if your spouse thinks it’s cheating, it’s cheating. However, if your spouse has a very low bar for what they consider “cheating”(looking at another woman, even casually), then maybe you picked the wrong spouse to begin with. ---
**Author:** ![toadspittle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c0e974/32.png) [@toadspittle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/toadspittle)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488/7 "2003-12-22T19:34:49Z")
would you BE pissed, that is. ---
**Author:** ![blowero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/41988e/32.png) [@blowero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blowero)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488/8 "2003-12-22T19:44:42Z")
I agree - can you honestly say it wouldn’t bother you if you saw your wife (girlfriend?) kissing another man? ---
**Author:** ![blowero](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/41988e/32.png) [@blowero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blowero)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 7:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488/9 "2003-12-22T19:46:33Z")
Oh, and if you’re doing questionable things while drunk that you wouldn’t do sober, you also need to cut down on the drinking. ---
**Author:** ![Stratocaster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stratocaster/32/16393_2.png) [@Stratocaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stratocaster)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488/10 "2003-12-22T20:44:32Z")
If you wouldn’t do it in front of your wife, it’s cheating. If your wife would be completely unconcerned with it, it’s not. So, as has already been pointed out, “cheating” has a somewhat subjective definition. That being said, I would bet you a cup of coffee that kissing another woman or man in an amorous manner is considered cheating in most marriages. ---
**Author:** ![Lilairen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8491ac/32.png) [@Lilairen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lilairen)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488/11 "2003-12-22T22:17:27Z")
What “cheating” is depends on what the rules are, obviously. Different relationships have different rules. (You say ‘sex is a given’, but it’s not cheating in my relationships, because it’s not against the rules.) Lots of relationships run into serious issues when the people involved just presume that the rules of being in a relationship are givens and don’t feel any need to check to be sure they’re using the same set. So everyone feels betrayed when something comes up as breaking the rules one of them were using. ---
**Author:** ![Kinthalis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kinthalis/32/16084_2.png) [@Kinthalis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kinthalis)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2003, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488/12 "2003-12-22T22:29:15Z")
**Lilairen** is wise, heed her words 😉 Always make sure you are both looking at the same rule book. ---
**Author:** ![Carlos619](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6bbea6/32.png) [@Carlos619](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carlos619)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2003, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488/13 "2003-12-23T00:14:12Z")
Thanks guys…I feel like sh|t, though. I have betrayed my GF’s trust:( ---
**Author:** ![Meatros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Meatros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Meatros)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2003, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488/14 "2003-12-23T00:20:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Carlos619 \* > \*\*Thanks guys…I feel like sh|t, though. I have betrayed my GF’s trust:( \*\* Perhaps I’m reading way too much into it, but was there any reason you betrayed her trust? I hate to butt in, but maybe your relationship is teetering on the brink so to speak. ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2003, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488/15 "2003-12-23T01:43:13Z")
> [@](#): > > Kissing, when drunk or no, is cheating. Now, now, now, let’s make a difference between “macking” and “smooching”. Fer example, in my circle of friends, a smooch is acceptable 'mongst close, platonic friends. Now, if you’ve got tongue, or contact lasting longer than a few seconds… well, buddy, you’ve crossed a line. My advice? “Hon… I got trashed, and there was another girl…” Don’t try to lie to cover it up. Come clean, up front, right away. Most likely, she’ll be pissed, but she’s gonna wind up being pissed either way - and rightly so - and it’s better to get it all over with right off the bat. ---
**Author:** ![Carlos619](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6bbea6/32.png) [@Carlos619](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carlos619)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2003, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488/16 "2003-12-23T02:22:30Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SPOOFE \* > \*\*Now, now, now, let’s make a difference between “macking” and “smooching”. Fer example, in my circle of friends, a smooch is acceptable 'mongst close, platonic friends. > > Now, if you’ve got tongue, or contact lasting longer than a few seconds… well, buddy, you’ve crossed a line. > > My advice? “Hon… I got trashed, and there was another girl…” Don’t try to lie to cover it up. Come clean, up front, right away. Most likely, she’ll be pissed, but she’s gonna wind up being pissed either way - and rightly so - and it’s better to get it all over with right off the bat. \*\* That’s what some of my female friends told me to do. I have already done so and she was very pissed and just blew me off. I have a feeling of emptiness inside of me that I can’t stand:( ☹ To me it wasn’t cheating because if she did it to someone else, I wouldn’t be as pissed as she was at me. I told my GF that it was a meaningless kick and that I had/have no feelings for her. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2003, 3:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488/17 "2003-12-23T03:49:50Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Carlos619 \* > Thanks guys…I feel like sh|t, though. I have betrayed my GF’s trust ] Should have thought about that beforehand. It’s all cheating (if you have to ask…usually it is) but some cheating is more forgivable. If you get shitfaced and some girl starts making out with you and you don’t push her away within 5 seconds, that’s cheating but it’s more forgivable then getting blown by a hooker in the back seat of your Pinto. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SPOOFE \* > My advice? “Hon… I got trashed, and there was another girl…” Don’t try to lie to cover it up. Come clean, up front, right away. Most likely, she’ll be pissed, but she’s gonna wind up being pissed either way - and rightly so - and it’s better to get it all over with right off the bat. \*\* That’s the worst advice ever. If you admit it, she can always hold it over your head…until you die. Better to admit nothing: -Those panties must have gotten mixed in at the laundrimat -That’s not lipstick on my collar -My friends aren’t into strippers at bachelor parties -I didn’t kiss her -That’s not me in the video -What girl in what bed? ---
**Author:** ![Urban\_Ranger](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e9c0ed/32.png) [@Urban\_Ranger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urban_Ranger)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2003, 7:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488/18 "2003-12-23T07:13:44Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by msmith537 \* > That’s the worst advice ever. If you admit it, she can always hold it over your head…until you die. So, in addition to cheating, you are suggesting lying to him. Excellent way to end a relationship. ---
**Author:** ![SnoopyFan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/d07c76/32.png) [@SnoopyFan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnoopyFan)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2003, 9:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488/19 "2003-12-23T09:17:23Z")
Were it my husband under the same circumstances, I wouldn’t want to be told because there’s nothing to tell. One kiss does not an affair make. Kissing someone else may technically be cheating but I don’t think one drunken kiss is enough basis to file for divorce on grounds of adultery. People do stupid things when they drink. I’d be even more hesitant to call it cheating when it’s a simple dating relationship. Unless this relationship is exclusive and/or there is a marriage in the future, as long as you’re truly guilty over it and it will never happen again, I don’t see a reason to make a mountain out of a molehill. It was stupid, yes, but if you have a clean driving record with this girl I think it’s forgiveable. IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![Rashak\_Mani](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ea666f/32.png) [@Rashak\_Mani](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rashak_Mani)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2003, 11:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488/20 "2003-12-23T11:24:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by msmith537 \* > \*\* That’s the worst advice ever. If you admit it, she can always hold it over your head…until you die. > > Better to admit nothing: \*\* ``` I will second msmith537... DENY DENY DENY. It sounds horrible... but if you confirm the cheating she will feel the worse for it. If you deny even if caught red handed she won't hold it over you as much. Sounds stupid/dishonest/weak ? Sure does. I have talked of this with older men and once you admit it... it way worse. She will hold that grudge over you until you die... if you don't admit it must be some pshycological barrier. If you are denying it there is the possibility of her having seen things wrong... or the denial is part of not giving value to the cheating. One older student told me about how his giving a ride to a young student (nothing happened) filtered to his wife. She cried and moaned and she was never really convinced of his innocence. Imagine if he were guilty then !? ``` [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/define-cheating-relationship-question/220488.md?page=2)