# Definining your Masculinity **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 10, 2015, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529 "2015-09-10T16:42:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Kent\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kent_clark/32/105_2.png) [@Kent\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kent_Clark)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2015, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529/21 "2015-09-10T22:15:46Z")
> [@AnaMen](#): > > Maybe you can work something about your heterosexuality into a conversation-starter. “I’m an elementary school teacher. You’d be surprised how many moms I get to bang.”😃 Seriously, though, I’m one of those guys, too. Just follow **AnaMen** ’s guidelines in Post #15 and you’ll be fine. ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2015, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529/22 "2015-09-10T23:19:31Z")
> [@Gatopescado](#): > > You could always ride a motorcycle to yoga class. Carry a jackhammer around with you at all times. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2015, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529/23 "2015-09-10T23:35:23Z")
A real man wouldn’t have to point out that you badly misspelled “defining” in the title. (Shit) :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slow_moving_vehicle/32/291_2.png) [@Slow\_Moving\_Vehicle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slow_Moving_Vehicle)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2015, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529/24 "2015-09-10T23:52:46Z")
Can only add this: Do you have testicles? A penis? A Y chromosome? Then you’re a man. So any interests you have are manly interests. I’m a six-foot, 240 lb. barrel-chested (and -gutted, unfortunately) man who works in home improvement, and I love rom-coms, have bought and worn out multiple copies of Joan Osborne and Susanne Vega CDs, and read fashion history for fun. Gender is what you make of it. You just be you. ---
**Author:** ![SeaDragonTattoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@SeaDragonTattoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeaDragonTattoo)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2015, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529/25 "2015-09-11T00:01:03Z")
I’m a woman and can’t stand those “bro” dudes. Men being “more masculine” mostly make me want to puke in their laps. Please don’t care about sports. There are plenty of dudes out there who also don’t care and those are the ones who should be your friends. My only wishes in a male partner to live with is that he can pick up heavier stuff than I can, has learned how to take care of himself without a “mommy” to clean up after him, and being able to fix stuff is a bonus. A man who will hang in the living room with me on a Sunday afternoon, reading, playing music and drinking tea, is the type who will get laid daily. One of my closer male friends is into architecture, photography, tea, has studied for two Masters degrees and is affiliated with local PBS plus two museums. He’s been married to two different women, cross dresses sometimes, has long hair and often polishes his nails. His masculinity is not up to question, though he considers himself a little gender fluid and dabbled in bisexuality when he was younger. You need to do what makes you happy. It sounds like you are, so I’m curious where the idea in the OP is coming from. I wonder if you’re using online dating profiles if you’re somehow attracting women who are ultimately not looking for what you’re offering (which is more than plenty in my book), and just need to tweak it so the right women for you are finding it. It may be fewer than you’re finding now, but if you’re looking for a long-term relationship maybe fewer matches with more qualities that match better is what you need to find. ---
**Author:** ![Arrendajo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arrendajo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrendajo)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2015, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529/26 "2015-09-11T01:30:59Z")
Oh gosh I just don’t worry about it. I suppose I do all kinds of things that aren’t very manly. I play ukulele, for one thing. That’s not really girlish, but it’s not macho strutting electric guitar phallic, either. I do play baritone ukulele though, which is the biggest, manliest ukulele made. I am a children’s librarian, which, like elementary school music teacher, is an occupation dominated by women. I love my job, though, and I just don’t care what anyone else thinks about it. I did used to care about the image I projected, and what people thought about me. But about 30 years ago I just quit giving a shit. My only thought when I walk by a yoga studio is “What a great way to meet chicks! (the limber, flexible kind!)” ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2015, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529/27 "2015-09-11T01:41:21Z")
> [@Arrendajo](#): > > I play ukulele, for one thing. I play the flute. So I may just as well put on a pretty pink apron and give tea parties for all my dollies. That’s why, whenever I leave the house, I bring my jackhammer along. ---
**Author:** ![AnaMen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/dfb087/32.png) [@AnaMen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnaMen)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2015, 3:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529/28 "2015-09-11T03:34:04Z")
> [@Ukulele\_Ike](#): > > I play the flute. So I may just as well put on a pretty pink apron and give tea parties for all my dollies. > > That’s why, whenever I leave the house, I bring my jackhammer along. So did the Village People though… ---
**Author:** ![Marion\_Wormer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d07c76/32.png) [@Marion\_Wormer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marion_Wormer)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2015, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529/29 "2015-09-11T03:51:06Z")
Dear Quasimodal, You say you’re a music teacher, you enjoy yoga, and social dance. You also say that you have trouble meeting women. I just want to point out that you’re meeting women: women teachers at conferences, women at yoga, women at ballroom dance classes. I’m surprised they’re not chasing after you with lassos to drag you down the aisle. You don’t have trouble meeting women, you’re surrounded by them. Why haven’t you asked one out? ---
**Author:** ![sunstone](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunstone/32/3372_2.png) [@sunstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sunstone)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2015, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529/30 "2015-09-11T07:18:35Z")
I’m a heterosexual guy who cooks, grows flowers, likes children, and often prefer to talk to women - the conversations are often more interesting, as I am not a real sports kind of guy unless I am the one doing the sport. I wear flowered shirts of all colors, and even have a pair of Vans that have flamingos on them. I’ve been married for 50 + years, and have been acting this way since I was an adolescent. Some of my best friends have been women. My female friends have told me that I don’t have any “girly traits” at all. (Whatever those are ???) They have told me that not every guy can carry off my styling choices. I actually don’t care if my clothing is not traditionally masculine. I do the things that I enjoy. The folks who get to know me are not confused as to my gender and heterosexuality. So do what you like, and be confident in yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Jeff\_Lichtman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jeff_lichtman/32/1531_2.png) [@Jeff\_Lichtman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeff_Lichtman)\ **Post date:** [September 11, 2015, 8:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529/31 "2015-09-11T08:30:35Z")
**Quasimodal** , I’d say you have a lack of self-confidence rather than a lack of masculinity. This lack of confidence affects your ability to form relationships. I’m sure there are plenty of women who would have no problem with your job and interests, but you’ve decided in advance that none of them will like you. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/57b2e6/32.png) [@Quasimodal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodal)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2015, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529/32 "2015-09-12T01:12:56Z")
> [@Jeff\_Lichtman](#): > > **Quasimodal** , I’d say you have a lack of self-confidence rather than a lack of masculinity. This lack of confidence affects your ability to form relationships. I’m sure there are plenty of women who would have no problem with your job and interests, but you’ve decided in advance that none of them will like you. > [@Jeff\_Lichtman](#): > > **Quasimodal** , I’d say you have a lack of self-confidence rather than a lack of masculinity. This lack of confidence affects your ability to form relationships. I’m sure there are plenty of women who would have no problem with your job and interests, but you’ve decided in advance that none of them will like you. Untrue. I could also deduce from your paragraph you leap to psychological evaluations from hand picked evidence. Did you miss: 1. I have had relationships (up to three years in duration) 2. I’ve dated many women. 3. I have a steady career: a product of a decade of time and investment 4. I’m fit: A product of dedication and hard work. Jeff Lichtman: I have a lot of confidence. I failed to mention the previous two relationships ended because I let them go for not being up to \*\*MY \*\*standards. In fact the amount of times I’ve ended relationships is roughly equal to the amount of times I have been let go. I think people need to realize having the nerve to ask strangers for advice on a message board and to self reflect publicly comes from a place of strength not weakness…which is confidence itself. I can handle the replies that mean nothing or come off as deconstructing. Also please know I ask for advice and only handpick the answers that feel right to me and help me grow. I’m asking for constructive advice please and for this thread to be topic focused. I have plenty of confidence…enough that I’m going to ignore the responses that suggest otherwise. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/57b2e6/32.png) [@Quasimodal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodal)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2015, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529/33 "2015-09-12T01:16:45Z")
> [@Marion\_Wormer](#): > > Dear Quasimodal, > You say you’re a music teacher, you enjoy yoga, and social dance. You also say that you have trouble meeting women. I just want to point out that you’re meeting women: women teachers at conferences, women at yoga, women at ballroom dance classes. I’m surprised they’re not chasing after you with lassos to drag you down the aisle. > You don’t have trouble meeting women, you’re surrounded by them. Why haven’t you asked one out? Can someone please point out if I mentioned somewhere in this thread that I have “trouble” meeting women? I don’t and if I did write that it’s a mistake. Either my reading and writing is poor or other people are not reading the entire thread. I’ve dated many women these past few years. The bigger question for me is how come the relationships are not lasting longer, and the masculinity question came up in my mind. Yin yang / opposites attract and all that jazz. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2015, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529/34 "2015-09-12T01:56:49Z")
Are the women you’ve dated giving you no feedback? I’m trying to figure out what advice you’re looking for with the information you’ve given us. There could be a number of reasons why your relationships aren’t lasting longer–none of which have anything to do with how non-masculine you are. You often talk about your hobbies and interests. You seem like a very active, high-energy person. Are you dating women who are the same way? Because I’m guessing you might not be a good fit with a woman who is more laid-back. ---
**Author:** ![P-man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/p-man/32/3606_2.png) [@P-man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/P-man)\ **Post date:** [September 12, 2015, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529/35 "2015-09-12T02:26:17Z")
I’m also in a female dominated profession (I’m a librarian). I do like sports, but I’ve been perceived as feminine in the past. At 30 I had dated very little, and had zero self confidence. One female friend I hung out with at the time thought I could be gay (this came up when she told me she was bisexual). I went through a period in my twenties where I didn’t go on a date for about 3 years (despite being in a 70 per cent female graduate program). I did get asked out by a man, even though I had assured him I was hetero. I never did anything different, but at a birthday party for the friend I mentioned above, almost 20 years ago now, I met the woman I’d marry. ---
**Author:** ![Sleel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/73ab20/32.png) [@Sleel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sleel)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2015, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529/36 "2015-09-13T00:53:32Z")
You don’t have to be “manly” to be a man. Some traditionally manly pursuits might suit you, some may not. There was a men’s movement in the 90s that you’re probably slightly too young to have been aware of. You might find [Iron John](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iron_John:_A_Book_About_Men) interesting reading. There’s a [whole website](http://www.artofmanliness.com) that’s pretty squarely targeted at your demographic — late 20s, early 30s guys who feel like they missed some manliness classes or something — started by a guy who probably felt a little bit like you do. If, as you insist, you don’t lack confidence, and you’ve had fairly average hits and misses in dating, then your lack of long-term relationships probably stems from another cause — but I’m fairly sure it’s not due to lack of manliness. Your problems might stem from pure chance, but maybe there are choices you’re making or quirks in interpersonal interactions that interfere with your personal relationships. Your estrangement from your father and brother might have nothing to do with your manliness quotient, and everything to do with the as-yet undefined something that you feel is holding you back. Or maybe you don’t have any significant problems and are obsessing about something that really doesn’t matter. (Disclaimer: Advice offered for free to strangers from strangers on the internet is worth what you pay for it.) ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/57b2e6/32.png) [@Quasimodal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodal)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2015, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529/37 "2015-09-13T06:11:03Z")
> [@Sleel](#): > > You don’t have to be “manly” to be a man. Some traditionally manly pursuits might suit you, some may not. There was a men’s movement in the 90s that you’re probably slightly too young to have been aware of. You might find [Iron John](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iron_John:_A_Book_About_Men) interesting reading. There’s a [whole website](http://www.artofmanliness.com) that’s pretty squarely targeted at your demographic — late 20s, early 30s guys who feel like they missed some manliness classes or something — started by a guy who probably felt a little bit like you do. > > If, as you insist, you don’t lack confidence, and you’ve had fairly average hits and misses in dating, then your lack of long-term relationships probably stems from another cause — but I’m fairly sure it’s not due to lack of manliness. Your problems might stem from pure chance, but maybe there are choices you’re making or quirks in interpersonal interactions that interfere with your personal relationships. Your estrangement from your father and brother might have nothing to do with your manliness quotient, and everything to do with the as-yet undefined something that you feel is holding you back. > > Or maybe you don’t have any significant problems and are obsessing about something that really doesn’t matter. > > (Disclaimer: Advice offered for free to strangers from strangers on the internet is worth what you pay for it.) Agree with the disclaimer. Knew that going in. Advice givers also should know they get feedback as well. Circle of life. How funny is it that a woman that I’ve had an on and off relationship with for the past 8 months (and I ended it the last…took about six weeks of non-contact)…is now really trying to make amends and connect with me again. While simultaneously another woman who I know at dance randomly ran into me at a coffee shop yesterday and invited me to go walking with her today? Which of course I did. Yet it seems like the sparks did not happen sadly. The universe works in mysterious ways. Gave me a bit of a boost even while complicating my life again. I would wish upon wish that someone would just “walk” into my life and for everything to be magical. I doubt that though. And yes this was a bit of a vent. I honestly do my best to simply enjoy the person I’m with and be the best version of myself with them. So the point of this thread was curiosity if I needed to do some more life exploring or keeping on the path I’m on. I think I have my answer which is to keep moving forward with what I’ve been doing. It’s made me very happy and given me great focus. Perhaps it’s just a matter of timing. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/57b2e6/32.png) [@Quasimodal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodal)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2015, 6:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529/38 "2015-09-13T06:15:54Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > Are the women you’ve dated giving you no feedback? > > I’m trying to figure out what advice you’re looking for with the information you’ve given us. There could be a number of reasons why your relationships aren’t lasting longer–none of which have anything to do with how non-masculine you are. > > You often talk about your hobbies and interests. You seem like a very active, high-energy person. Are you dating women who are the same way? Because I’m guessing you might not be a good fit with a woman who is more laid-back. The last two longish relationships I ended because: 1. The first one I ended because I didn’t see our future together. It was long distance and I didn’t feel enough of an attraction to work for it. 2. The second one I worked really hard for, and let myself get taken advantage of because I thought she lacked experience. I eventually set boundaries though and decided I had enough of how I was treated. Went into about six weeks of non-contact. Usually the feedback I get from others (and I’m aware of it) is that I move too quickly in my relationships rather than relaxing and letting them develop. I find it hard because I’m very Type-A and productive in how I spend my time working and in my free time. I’m working on it as much as I can. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2015, 7:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529/39 "2015-09-13T07:30:34Z")
What is “Type-A”? I’ve never known what that means, exactly. People seem to use the term rather indiscriminately, it would seem. ---
**Author:** ![Quasimodal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/57b2e6/32.png) [@Quasimodal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodal)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2015, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529/40 "2015-09-13T17:34:14Z")
I guess Alpha is what it refers to. I tend to “go get” what I want. It’s a more aggressive way of being. I compete with myself alot and tend to gravitate to activities that make me better in someway. I have a hard time relaxing…(though Yoga has helped greatly with this) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/definining-your-masculinity/730529.md?page=1)