# Democritus-Pucker Up, Ass Slammer! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [January 25, 2000, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071 "2000-01-25T05:51:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Konrad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f475e1/32.png) [@Konrad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Konrad)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2000, 1:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071/61 "2000-01-28T01:41:00Z")
> [@](#): > > You, sir, are an ambisexual walnut. And you are a hairy fishnut. ---
**Author:** ![andros](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e480ec/32.png) [@andros](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/andros)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2000, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071/62 "2000-01-28T01:53:00Z")
Pear pimples? ---
**Author:** ![neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3ab097/32.png) [@neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neuro-trash_grrrl)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2000, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071/63 "2000-01-28T05:09:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Oh, who needs to be euphemistic? It’s called a urinal cake, you rug-muncher. ## Ah. Well, I see that all the time you’ve spent in bus station men’s rooms has paid off! An infinite number of rednecks in an infinite number of pickup trucks shooting an infinite number of shotguns at an infinite number of road signs will eventually produce all the world’s great works of literature in Braille. ---
**Author:** ![Flypsyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Flypsyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flypsyde)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2000, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071/64 "2000-01-28T15:25:00Z")
> [@](#): > > And you are a hairy fishnut. > [@](#): > > Pear pimples? I find it ironic that it would be the three of us who understood these references. > [@](#): > > You wouldn’t know real football if it attached a handle to the ball And by the same token, Buffalo couldn’t score in this manner, either. Pipe the fuck down. > [@](#): > > Ah. Well, I see that all the time you’ve spent in bus station men’s rooms has paid off! How the fuck else do you think she’d get all those numbers up there? What, you think those “Call DB for a good time” graffiti write themselves on the stall walls? > [@](#): > > You both can suck my used tampons, Tell that fur-tradin’ girlfriend of yours to get 'em out of the teapot first, dear. > [@](#): > > you goat-raping, rat-stuffing inbred sons of a syphillitic gutterslut and a one-eyed midget named “Klaus”. Your conception was drug-induced, and your appearance reflects that fact. Mom? ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2000, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071/65 "2000-01-28T15:30:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Well, I see that all the time you’ve spent in bus station men’s rooms has paid off! Yeah, and now that you’ve reminded me, your dad says hi. ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2000, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071/66 "2000-01-28T15:32:00Z")
> [@](#): > > And by the same token, Buffalo couldn’t score in this manner, either. I’ll accept this statement, seeing as it comes from someone who has even more experience with not scoring. ---
**Author:** ![Flypsyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Flypsyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flypsyde)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2000, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071/67 "2000-01-28T15:43:00Z")
> [@](#): > > I’ll accept this statement, seeing as it comes from someone who has even more experience with not scoring. And I’ll accept that statement from someone who’s been scored on more often than Buffalo’s defense. ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2000, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071/68 "2000-01-28T16:44:00Z")
Hey, you’re saying good things about my team AND me! When the hell did you lose your edge, you panty-waisted cream puff? Why don’t you and Chef Troy get together and share recipes, and leave the flaming to the experts? I bet some of the people from that School for the Retarded that you troll for dates gave you the idea for that witty retort, right? ---
**Author:** ![Flypsyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Flypsyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flypsyde)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2000, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071/69 "2000-01-28T16:59:00Z")
> [@](#): > > When the hell did you lose your edge, you panty-waisted cream puff? Apparently, at 9:43 AM this morning. > [@](#): > > Why don’t you and Chef Troy get together and share recipes, and leave the flaming to the experts? Why don’t you and your boyfriend get together and decide who’s going to wear the dick in the relationship? > [@](#): > > I bet some of the people from that School for the Retarded that you troll for dates gave you the idea for that witty retort, right? Yeah, and they wondered where you were for Fingerpainting this morning. Twitchy Bobby made you a Valentine. * * * We interrupt this thread to increase dramatic tension. ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2000, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071/70 "2000-01-28T17:24:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Apparently, at 9:43 AM this morning. I see that new job in the Department of Repetitive Redundancy is going well for you. > [@](#): > > Why don’t you and your boyfriend get together and decide who’s going to wear the dick in the relationship? They say two heads are better than none… > [@](#): > > Twitchy Bobby made you a Valentine. Which is one more than you’ll be getting. ---
**Author:** ![Flypsyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Flypsyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flypsyde)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2000, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071/71 "2000-01-29T06:00:00Z")
> [@](#): > > They say two heads are better than none… So, that strap-on collection’s growing? Fancy that. > [@](#): > > Which is one more than you’ll be getting. Yeah. Seems Buffalo’s offense was supposed to deliver mine, but someone put an endzone in front of my mailbox. * * * We interrupt this thread to increase dramatic tension. ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2000, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071/72 "2000-01-29T06:24:00Z")
> [@](#): > > So, that strap-on collection’s growing? Fancy that. I’ll make sure to send you any extras I have, so you can play dress-up and pretend to be like all the other little boys. > [@](#): > > Seems Buffalo’s offense was supposed to deliver mine, but someone put an endzone in front of my mailbox. Flyp, honey, how many times do I have to tell you? Just because you send all those love letters to Thurman Thomas, it doesn’t mean he loves you back! ---
**Author:** ![Polycarp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2000, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071/73 "2000-01-29T06:34:00Z")
Did any of you boys lose this? [![](http://www.hamsterdance.com/gerbil.gif) ](http://www.hamsterdance.com/gerbil.gif) ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [January 29, 2000, 6:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071/74 "2000-01-29T06:49:00Z")
…because Polycarp just found it up his ass. ---
**Author:** ![Flypsyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Flypsyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flypsyde)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2000, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071/75 "2000-01-28T19:00:00Z")
Actually, Poly, send it to Drain. I believe that’s the attachment to her new _Gerdildo_. Probably fell off a few weekends back. Dearie, you simply must take better care of your toys… * * * We interrupt this thread to increase dramatic tension. ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2000, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071/76 "2000-01-28T19:04:00Z")
_Gerdildo?_ Flypsyde, only you would be so damned clueless as to invent a fake sex toy that sounds like a fucking talk show host! No wonder you never get laid! ---
**Author:** ![Flypsyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Flypsyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flypsyde)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2000, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071/77 "2000-01-28T19:19:00Z")
> [@](#): > > No wonder you never get laid! I don’t get laid because I’m a nice guy. Actually, I don’t get laid because your crazy, naked ass keeps parading around in front of my building with a spatula and a tub of Vaseline. Fuck, we don’t even have any _alleycats_ around the neighborhood anymore… ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2000, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071/78 "2000-01-28T19:35:00Z")
Dude, that’s not me, that’s Chef Troy! Don’t you notice that little micropenis peeking out from his pubes? Hell, I don’t even _own_ a spatula. But knowing our dear Chef, that’s _certainly_ not Vaseline. And the alleycats are gone because he made meatloaf last night. ---
**Author:** ![Flypsyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/f0a364/32.png) [@Flypsyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flypsyde)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2000, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071/79 "2000-01-28T19:42:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Dude, that’s not me, that’s Chef Troy! My mistake. But given the striking similarities between yourself and our culinary czar, you must admit it’s an _honest_ mistake. Oh, and MarkSerlin emailed me-he’s got your panties, and he says go heavy on the AquaNet and Jovan. You lucky girl, you. * * * We interrupt this thread to increase dramatic tension. ---
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [January 28, 2000, 7:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071/80 "2000-01-28T19:50:00Z")
> [@](#): > > But given the striking similarities between yourself and our culinary czar, you must admit it’s an honest mistake. Oh, c’mon. Troy’s tits are MUCH bigger than mine. > [@](#): > > Oh, and MarkSerlin emailed me-he’s got your panties, Yeah, and last I checked Ebay, you were currently the highest bidder for them. > [@](#): > > he says go heavy on the AquaNet and Jovan. I accidentally wore them when I visited Troy’s kitchen. Hint–never go near his crawfish etouffee. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/democritus-pucker-up-ass-slammer/4071.md?page=5)