# Design the next Star Trek Crew! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [October 17, 2002, 3:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670 "2002-10-17T15:00:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2002, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670/41 "2002-10-26T15:59:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Daniel \* > **My vote goes for a half-Klingon, half-Gorn character.** “You have dissssssssssssssshonored your anssssssssssssssessssssssssssssstorsssssssssssssssssssss! Prepare to feel the ssssssssssssssssssssting of my batl’eth!” Whereupon he stiffly whips out his batl’eth and then takes upwards of half an hour just to cross the room to you. ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2002, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670/42 "2002-10-26T19:16:13Z")
G/K"I will kill you! Right here, right now!" (no sillibants, dammit) Guy:(Looks at watch) “Guess I’ve got time for a smoke…” ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Straight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dec6dc/32.png) [@Enola\_Straight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Straight)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2002, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670/43 "2002-10-27T18:53:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by carnivorousplant \* > \*\* > > Does he smell like the ones at the zoo? > 🙂 \*\* Its thoughtless remarks like this which lands many Humans in Sickbay at the hands of a pissed-off Todd. :mad: Do Blacks really have rabbit blood in them? Do Jews really have horns under their hats? Be careful…respect him and give him his space.😉 ---
**Author:** ![carnivorousplant](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnivorousplant/32/3563_2.png) [@carnivorousplant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnivorousplant)\ **Post date:** [October 27, 2002, 7:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670/44 "2002-10-27T19:17:33Z")
Speaking for myself, I do not have horns. ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Straight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dec6dc/32.png) [@Enola\_Straight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Straight)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2002, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670/45 "2002-10-28T06:19:27Z")
And Todd dosen’t smell bad. (Deep breath) Okay, Lets all be nice now. You see, Bigotry still exists in the UFP, even by Starfleet Officers. Chief O’Brien referred to the Cardassians as “Cardies”. Another referred to them as “Spoonheads”. Once B’elanna Tores was called a “Turtle Head”. Sticks and stones break bones, but words break hearts. ---
**Author:** ![Enola\_Straight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dec6dc/32.png) [@Enola\_Straight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enola_Straight)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2002, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670/46 "2002-10-28T06:26:29Z")
And Todd dosen’t smell bad. (Deep breath) Okay, Lets all be nice now. You see, Bigotry still exists in the UFP, even by Starfleet Officers. Chief O’Brien referred to the Cardassians as “Cardies”. Another referred to them as “Spoonheads”. Once B’elanna Tores was called a “Turtle Head”. Sticks and stones break bones, but words break hearts. ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2002, 6:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670/47 "2002-10-28T06:38:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Another referred to them as “Spoonheads”. I always thought that was hilarious. When i used to play the Trek Card game, we always called the cardies “spoonheads” ---
**Author:** ![Netbrian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71e660/32.png) [@Netbrian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Netbrian)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2002, 7:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670/48 "2002-10-28T07:55:55Z")
I’d love to see one of the X-Coms from that one Next Generation episode be incorperated as a major character. I don’t know why, I just love the little things to death! ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [October 28, 2002, 8:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670/49 "2002-10-28T08:04:37Z")
Ah, [Exocomps](http://www.decipher.com/startrek/cardlists/basic/large/exocomp.html). Star Trek’s brief foray into R2D2-ness. ---
**Author:** ![Ranchoth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranchoth/32/1066_2.png) [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)\ **Post date:** [October 29, 2002, 9:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670/50 "2002-10-29T09:00:35Z")
I’m thinking of a Saurian officer assigned from the Starfleet Corps of Engineers, with the voice of Peter Lorre, and the personality of Jordan Cochran from the movie “Real Genius.” He’s vitally important on on any away mission that presents a difficult or unusual engineering challange. He sleeps standing up, and has a small but choice collection of debunked medical devices from across the federation. (Including a very rare Klingon trepanning kit) More details to follow. ---
**Author:** ![jmalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/8edcca/32.png) [@jmalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jmalin)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2002, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670/51 "2002-11-01T15:49:07Z")
Ooo-k. After _Voyager_ returns it’s discovered that the holodeck has somehow emitted clones from a program designed by a “frustrated” Ensign Kim. The clones consist of 10 perfect copies of 7 of 9, endowed(?) with rather hyperactive libidos but also highly competent StarFleet officers. To hide this embarassing fiasco, StarFleet gives them a small ship and sends them out to look for something, **anything** , just get out of here. The clones, true to their programming, exhibit a marked preference for walking around in very revealing bikinis. Without any men on board, they’re forced to turn their considerable sexual energies toward each other. However, they seem rather uninterested in doing anything else, so they just cruise through the universe, doing what they do so well… I claim rights to this idea. If the Playboy channel doesn’t buy it I am going right to DVD. My excuse is that I watched too many original _Star Trek_ episodes as a teenager. Am I the only one who believes that Kirk was carrying his brains around in his pants? ---
**Author:** ![Tupug\_Anachi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@Tupug\_Anachi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tupug_Anachi)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2002, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670/52 "2002-11-01T16:06:13Z")
Hey, Chronos, you beat me to it. I was thinking “Frank” from MIBII is probably looking for work. ---
**Author:** ![Zebra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/c0e974/32.png) [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2002, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670/53 "2002-11-01T16:44:25Z")
Name Lolita J’ones Race Half Betazoid half Deltan Only 18 years old Lolita is actually a child prodigy and has been a praticing medical doctor since the age of 11. She is only half Deltan and a brillant doctor so having sex with her is usually not fatal. As her body temperature is normally 115 she tends to wear skimpy clothes and always goes nude in her quarters. She only has the ability to read your impure thoughts but as she is deltan and played by Denise Richards there are plenty of those to go around. _Several_ times during the seven year run she has to seduce an enemy and boink him/her to death. The episode where she can’t stop telling other peoples thoughts is rivaled only by the episode where she goes evil and tries to ‘do’-in the entire crew but is stopped by a time traveling Captain Kirk. ---
**Author:** ![Briminator](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ba9def/32.png) [@Briminator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Briminator)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2002, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670/54 "2002-11-01T17:49:23Z")
Name:Mr.Smith Gender:Male Occupation:Dying a whole lot Instrument Played:The harp Mr. Smith was a security guy on the Enterprise way way way back when Kirk was in charge, on one mission they beamed down to a planet to investigate some sort of thing, but poor Mr. Smith got caught in a worm hole while beaming down. The transporter on the new ship is actually the original one just that has had the software updated to the current Windows Stardate 9473.52. So everytime the crew beams somewhere dangerous good ole Mr. Smith gets beamed with them, he is a gung ho guy who is trying to prove to these new guys that his phaser is just as big as the next guy. This leads to him leading the charge on most missions where he gets blown away in a very gruesome way (Yes I know it is a whole lot like Kenny from South Park but his name is Mr. Smith not Kenney) Nobody gets upset when he dies, but after a few episodes they figure out that they can send him down the first scary hallway they find. ---
**Author:** ![Kn\_ckers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/96bed5/32.png) [@Kn\_ckers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kn_ckers)\ **Post date:** [November 1, 2002, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670/55 "2002-11-01T18:12:20Z")
So, then, Mr. Smith is the Redshirt that keeps on giving, huh? Poor bastard. ---
**Author:** ![BlueMit11](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7feea3/32.png) [@BlueMit11](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlueMit11)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2002, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670/56 "2002-11-02T19:52:46Z")
Are midgets considered a seperate race? I think there should be a midget character who walks backwards all the time and is inept at anything except calculus. Also, the reason why all the characters are human or human-like is because Gene Rodenberry believes human viewers will relate more with humanoids. I don’t agree with this at all-I find humans boring and dull and repetitive. ---
**Author:** ![BlueMit11](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7feea3/32.png) [@BlueMit11](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlueMit11)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2002, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670/57 "2002-11-02T20:41:29Z")
Name: Chao Farflefinger Nintendo Religion: Mix of Buddhism, fundamentalism, and agnostic Height: 7’2" (though he is like one of those big dogs that doesn’t realize their size and still acts like a poodle) Weight: 115-175 pounds (similar to a snake in that he eats huge meals and takes up to 6 months to digest them) Instrument: Human bongos Description: Very slow and methodical, though erupts into logical fits of what seems like insanity but eventually turns into something incredibly genius at the best moments. Is entertained by very simple things, such as poking a fellow crew member’s (character idea) fake arm or playing with some strange, silver, silly puddy-like substance that he always has on his person in a blue can. He doesn’t have any quarters, so therefore is somewhat of a pack-rat hobo-type. He has satchels and vests and belts with various unkown gadgets, weapons and foodstuffs packed and clipped onto them. he reveals something new on his person every once in awhile (great for writing out of a hole). Also, sleeps on the cielings of the hallways of the ship. In love with: Sometimes he says he has a girlfriend back on his home planet, sometimes he says he doesn’t need a woman. Whatever the explanation, is usually seems to be that he has a low self-esteem and therefore makes up some excuse for not having a companion, though no one asks and/or cares. ---
**Author:** ![McJohn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b2d939/32.png) [@McJohn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/McJohn)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2002, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670/58 "2002-11-03T12:55:22Z")
Cap’t Murdock: Just tried to write you and got an undeliverable message… you must be at extreme warp right now… would you send me the URL to that provocative story? I’m at [mcjohn@wt.net](mailto:mcjohn@wt.net). In our TrekFic series we have a sentient glowing bedsheet that spouts free verse, a blue-furred kitten who’s a natural mathematical genius, and a blob of lime jello that’s madly in love with one of the ensigns in Engineering. I’ll go away now. Excuse the interruption. Thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Dragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f0a364/32.png) [@Lord\_Dragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Dragon)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2002, 6:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670/59 "2002-11-03T18:24:28Z")
I like the idea of a sterile Female Horta who’s the ship’s geologist/assistant science officer. Her personal/racial goal is to find worlds for her sisters to colonize (in conjunction with Humanoid maintainence crews) She’s at once paraih (because of her sterility) and respected (because of her actions) to other Horta. She has a universal translator to let her communicate with the crew, and plays a very strrange solunding musical instrument, that looks like a theramin but produces notes that only vulcans and other races with ultrasonic hearing can hear properkly. Production nolte:Use a theramin for the audio, but run it through a synth to bring it up 2 octaves, in other words, mostly out of “normal” human hearing range. Character development (avoiding the cliche of “in love with”) seasons 1-3 minimal, occasional glimpses, shows up when useful, away missions, gelolgic survey missions etc. 1 or 2 focus episodes in the 3 years (probably B story twice, once each in seasons 2 and 3) After season 4, promotion to science officer, member of the bridge crew, regular wawy team leader/member 2-3 focus episodes per year one A story and 2 B or a B and a C story each year ---
**Author:** ![Lord\_Dragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f0a364/32.png) [@Lord\_Dragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lord_Dragon)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2002, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670/60 "2002-11-03T18:29:55Z")
Ghu, what typos… pariah properly note geologic away This is not happy time [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/design-the-next-star-trek-crew/132670.md?page=4)