# Desperately crying to be done:  Onion Headlines for current events

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-crying-to-be-done-onion-headlines-for-current-events/465374>\
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\
**Created:** [September 26, 2008, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-crying-to-be-done-onion-headlines-for-current-events/465374 "2008-09-26T18:30:27Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 7\
**Page:** 1

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**Author:** ![Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spectre_of_pithecanthropus/32/12343_2.png) [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spectre_of_Pithecanthropus)\
**Post date:** [September 26, 2008, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-crying-to-be-done-onion-headlines-for-current-events/465374/1 "2008-09-26T18:30:27Z")

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As far as I know we haven’t done this for a while. Whether that’s correct or not, I can’t think of any time in recent memory that was this rife with Onion fodder.

I have a few:

McCain Suspends Work On Finance Crisis to Focus his Campaign Crisis: Says Further Suspensions Within This Suspension Possible

NOAA to Galveston: Death Awaits You All With Big Nasty Pointy Teeth

Alaska Nunavit Relations Enter Cautious Phase:

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**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\
**Post date:** [September 26, 2008, 6:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-crying-to-be-done-onion-headlines-for-current-events/465374/2 "2008-09-26T18:52:39Z")

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“Bush to US citizens: bail out Wall Street now, or the boogeyman will GET YOU!”

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**Author:** ![Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f07891/32.png) [@Little\_Plastic\_Ninja](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Plastic_Ninja)\
**Post date:** [September 26, 2008, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-crying-to-be-done-onion-headlines-for-current-events/465374/3 "2008-09-26T18:54:32Z")

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> [@Spectre\_of\_Pithecanthropus](#):
>
> McCain Suspends Work On Finance Crisis to Focus his Campaign Crisis: Says Further Suspensions Within This Suspension Possible

I was looking at this and filling in the last half as I read it:

McCain Suspends Campaign To Work On His Golf Swing

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**Author:** ![ParentalAdvisory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@ParentalAdvisory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParentalAdvisory)\
**Post date:** [September 27, 2008, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-crying-to-be-done-onion-headlines-for-current-events/465374/4 "2008-09-27T02:57:28Z")

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“Russia might have Georiga, but we have Anna Kournikova”

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**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\
**Post date:** [September 27, 2008, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-crying-to-be-done-onion-headlines-for-current-events/465374/5 "2008-09-27T03:14:01Z")

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“Cross-dressing Cops Protest Obama’s ‘lipstick on a pig’ Comment”

“Angry Pitbulls Ate Sarah Palin”

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**Author:** ![ITR\_champion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c67d28/32.png) [@ITR\_champion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ITR_champion)\
**Post date:** [September 27, 2008, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-crying-to-be-done-onion-headlines-for-current-events/465374/6 "2008-09-27T03:32:09Z")

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**Wachovia and Bank of America to Buy Each Other Out.**

Amidst the deepening crisis on Wall Street Friday, Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson announced the government’s plans for rescuing two of America’s largest banks. Wachovia will buy Bank of America for an estimated $2.3 billion in cash reserves. At the same time, Bank of America will purchase Wachovia at a cost of $3.1 billion.

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**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\
**Post date:** [September 27, 2008, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-crying-to-be-done-onion-headlines-for-current-events/465374/7 "2008-09-27T03:48:19Z")

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> [@ITR\_champion](#):
>
> **Wachovia and Bank of America to Buy Each Other Out.**
> 
> Amidst the deepening crisis on Wall Street Friday, Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson announced the government’s plans for rescuing two of America’s largest banks. Wachovia will buy Bank of America for an estimated $2.3 billion in cash reserves. At the same time, Bank of America will purchase Wachovia at a cost of $3.1 billion.

…Both CEOs received generous separation packages, exceeding more than 210 million combined. WaMu and BoA stocks closed at .02 and $.035 respectively.