# Desperately need one liners and short jokes. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 18, 2002, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517 "2002-07-18T01:49:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![leechbabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7cd45c/32.png) [@leechbabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leechbabe)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/1 "2002-07-18T01:49:52Z")
We are putting together our work newsletter and we usually include a couple of funnies to keep the readers amused. My boss has just given me a book of one liners that he was given by our newsletter publisher. Unfortunately it’s really not suitable eg: \*“A secretary is someone you pay to learn to type while she looks for a husband.” “The overworked prostitute made two appointments for the same time. She managed to squeeze them both in.”\* Rather than go back to my boss and say the contents of the book could be offensive to our readers (they were to me), I would like to give him some alternative options. What I’m looking for is stuff that’s mostly PC (I don’t want to offend our readers) and fairly upbeat. So can the Teeming Millions help me out, please? ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/2 "2002-07-18T02:03:40Z")
Leechy, the more I read about your boss, the more I despair! 😃 ☹ :rolleyes: :smack: 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/3 "2002-07-18T02:35:00Z")
Maybe not appropriate for work, but I’ll post it just because I like it: The dyslexic insomniac agnostic stays up all night wondering if there is a dog. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/4 "2002-07-18T02:38:02Z")
Or how about a series of “a guy walked into a bar” jokes. There are plenty of inoffensive ones: A guy walked into a bar. It hurt. A horse walked into a bar. The bartender said, “Why the long face?” A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, “Hey! We’ve got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper said, “You’ve got a drink named Irving?” ---
**Author:** ![erin\_uh\_oh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/cdc98d/32.png) [@erin\_uh\_oh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erin_uh_oh)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/5 "2002-07-18T02:56:31Z")
would the “guy with no arms and no legs” jokes be offensive? there are pleanty of those… what do you call a gwnaanl: at a concert? -mike! tacked to the wall? -art! in a cemetary? -doug! on the porch? -matt! etc. and then, what do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on a barbecue? …patty! the more i think about it, though, the more the mental imagery disturbs me. but maybe you could still use them. good luck! ---
**Author:** ![Clever\_Hans](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a9a28c/32.png) [@Clever\_Hans](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clever_Hans)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 3:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/6 "2002-07-18T03:02:16Z")
I always like this one. Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked. What’s brown and sticky. A stick. A rabi a priest and a leprechaun walk into a bar. The leprechaun says, “Crap I’m in the wrong joke.” Remember… you said pc not funny. ---
**Author:** ![leechbabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7cd45c/32.png) [@leechbabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leechbabe)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/7 "2002-07-18T04:10:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Clever Hans \* > \*\* > What’s brown and sticky. A stick. > \*\* lol that one cracked me up 😛 I like the guy walking into bar jokes. Think they would appeal to our members to. Thanks everyone who’s responded so far. ---
**Author:** ![Mofo\_Rising](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Mofo\_Rising](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mofo_Rising)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/8 "2002-07-18T04:32:35Z")
Wanna’ hear a dirty joke? A horse fell in the mud. What’s a pirate’s favorite letter? AAARRRRHHH! Knock-knock. Who’s there? Disappointing George. Disappointing George who? ---
**Author:** ![TheRob](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@TheRob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheRob)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 4:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/9 "2002-07-18T04:51:30Z")
I know I’ve seen this thread before, minus the, “can’t be really offensive” clause. I’ll look for it. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Bird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Little\_Bird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Bird)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/10 "2002-07-18T05:18:59Z")
What do you call a fly with no legs? A walk. How many mice does it take to screw in a ligtbulb? Two. The tricky part is getting them in the lightbulb. What happens when four bullfighters walk into quicksand? Quatro Sinko. (cinco) ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/11 "2002-07-18T05:39:37Z")
Big List [Clean One Liners](http://emacbeth.home.mindspring.com/Quotes/oneline.html) My favorite > [@](#): > > What has four legs and an arm? > > A happy pit bull. ---
**Author:** ![Kat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@Kat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kat)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/12 "2002-07-18T05:40:46Z")
There was a batch of muffins in the oven. One said “It sure is hot in here.” The next one said “Holy shit, a talking muffin!” I stole that from a bad joke thread somewhere on this board. ---
**Author:** ![LifeOnWry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/96bed5/32.png) [@LifeOnWry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LifeOnWry)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/13 "2002-07-18T05:47:39Z")
Why are elephants big and grey and hairy? Because if they were small and white and smooth, they would be aspirin. ---
**Author:** ![LifeOnWry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/96bed5/32.png) [@LifeOnWry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LifeOnWry)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 5:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/14 "2002-07-18T05:49:27Z")
A priest, a rabbi and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of a joke?” ---
**Author:** ![Seven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Seven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seven)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 7:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/15 "2002-07-18T07:14:32Z")
I just ate in the new resturant on the moon. The food was good but there was no atmoshpere. ---
**Author:** ![JThunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e95f7d/32.png) [@JThunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JThunder)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 7:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/16 "2002-07-18T07:34:52Z")
Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip? ---
**Author:** ![interface2x](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/17 "2002-07-18T13:02:58Z")
I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous. ---
**Author:** ![Burnt\_Sugar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee59a6/32.png) [@Burnt\_Sugar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Burnt_Sugar)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/18 "2002-07-18T13:03:18Z")
What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it? Nothing, it just let out a little whine. Why did the Bee have his legs crossed? He couldn’t find the BP station\* \*May only make sense to Australians. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/19 "2002-07-18T13:18:42Z")
Elephant jokes are always good. What’s the brown stuff between an elephant’s toes? Slow natives. How do you have sex with an elephant? When he steps on you, you’re fucked. What’s grey and comes in quarts? A Timex. (better to tell this one aloud.) ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/20 "2002-07-18T13:56:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Knowed Out \* > \*\* > > What’s grey and comes in quarts? > A Timex. (better to tell this one aloud.) \*\* OK, I tried it out loud, and I tried it softly to myself, and I tried it on the kids and I tried kneeling down and praying it to the heavens, but I STILL DON’T GET IT. Colour me thick perhaps, or, better still, pleeeease tell me what I’m missing here!! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517.md?page=2)