# Desperately need one liners and short jokes. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 18, 2002, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517 "2002-07-18T01:49:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 2:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/21 "2002-07-18T14:08:26Z")
Ah-hA…the light turned on for me! Please ignore my ignorant previous post. I GOT it ok! (Ya gotta read the WHOLE joke out, not just the punchline to get it). And after the previous elephant jokes, one is inclined to focus on those critters as the topic of the pun. You can colour me smugly satisfied now. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/22 "2002-07-18T21:51:44Z")
Dentist says to the lady, “I’m gonna have to pull that tooth out.” The lady says, “Ooooooo, I’d rather have a baby.” Dentist says, “Make up your mind, I gotta adjust the chair.” Thank you, Buddy Hackett. ---
**Author:** ![crypto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b3f665/32.png) [@crypto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/crypto)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/23 "2002-07-18T23:42:07Z")
What’s invisible and smells like a worm? Bird fart. Did you hear about the man with 5 penises? His underwear fit like a glove. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2002, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/24 "2002-07-18T23:53:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Blue Curls \* > \*May only make sense to Australians. If you meant British Petroleum stations, I rememebr seeing those in and around Montreal when I was a child. Not since, though. ---
**Author:** ![Burnt\_Sugar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee59a6/32.png) [@Burnt\_Sugar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Burnt_Sugar)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2002, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/25 "2002-07-19T00:49:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bryan Ekers \* > \*\* > > If you meant British Petroleum stations, I rememebr seeing those in and around Montreal when I was a child. > > Not since, though. \*\* Yeah, I guess that is what I meant, I never knew what BP stood for though, thanks! ---
**Author:** ![LH75](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lh75/32/4438_2.png) [@LH75](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LH75)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2002, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/26 "2002-07-19T02:57:36Z")
why do elephants wear tennies? because ninies are too little and elevenies are too big ---
**Author:** ![Dave\_D](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/49beb7/32.png) [@Dave\_D](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dave_D)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2002, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/27 "2002-07-19T06:36:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by kambuckta \* > \*\*Ah-hA…the light turned on for me! Please ignore my ignorant previous post. I GOT it ok! > > (Ya gotta read the WHOLE joke out, not just the punchline to get it). And after the previous elephant jokes, one is inclined to focus on those critters as the topic of the pun. > > You can colour me smugly satisfied now. \*\* I still don’t get the joke. Could someone explain it? I said the whole thing out loud. What’s grey and comes in quarts A timex. Still makes no sense to me. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2002, 6:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/28 "2002-07-19T06:45:58Z")
OK Dave, just for you: ```php If you read quarts as QUARTZ, you'll get it. ``` Gee, I’m so happy that I can enlighten someone (for once!!) ---
**Author:** ![Kyomara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8edcca/32.png) [@Kyomara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kyomara)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2002, 8:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/29 "2002-07-19T08:18:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Blue Curls \* > \*_He couldn’t find the BP station_ > > \*May only make sense to Australians. \*\* Actually, there are BP stations all over the U.S. Some call them “Bippy.” A bear walks into a bar and says “I’d like…a beer.” Bartender says “why the big pause?” (paws…get it?) The great telekinteicist swore that he could stop a speeding locomotive with his mind. He stood on the tracks with his eyes closed, concentrating all his powers on the train, barelling toward him down the tracks. Of course it hit him and he was killed instantly. But _every spoon on the dining car was bent._ Not quite a one-liner, but I always liked it. ---
**Author:** ![FlyingDragonFan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c89c15/32.png) [@FlyingDragonFan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FlyingDragonFan)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2002, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/30 "2002-07-19T13:17:54Z")
Why were there only 49 contestants in the Miss Ebonics USA Pageant? Because they couldn’t find anyone to wear the sash that said “Idaho.” ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2002, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/31 "2002-07-19T14:35:46Z")
It works best if you YELL the response… Q-What’s brown and sticky? A- A STICK!! Q-What do you call an boomerang that doesn’t return? A- A STICK!! ---
**Author:** ![keeper0](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/b19c9b/32.png) [@keeper0](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/keeper0)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2002, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/32 "2002-07-19T14:49:05Z")
Sometimes I feel as though I wasn’t meant to believe in predestination. I had to return my Panasonic alarm clock. It was slightly ahead of our time. ---
**Author:** ![Beadalin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3be4f8/32.png) [@Beadalin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beadalin)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2002, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/33 "2002-07-19T14:53:09Z")
\*\* Mofo Rising\*\*, “Disappointing George” is hilarious. Subtle, and hilarious! I’ve posted this before, and I’ll post it again: Q. What did the hat say to the hat rack? A. You stay here, I’ll go on a head! ---
**Author:** ![owlstretchingtime](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/958977/32.png) [@owlstretchingtime](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/owlstretchingtime)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2002, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/34 "2002-07-19T14:56:53Z")
a dyslexic guy walked into a bra I went for a walk in the graveyard today. I saw a man with a small dog. I said “morning” he said “no walking my dog”" Boom and furthermore boom. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Ace\_of\_Swords](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e495f1/32.png) [@The\_Ace\_of\_Swords](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Ace_of_Swords)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2002, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/35 "2002-07-19T17:12:25Z")
More stolen jokes: Knock, knock Who’s there? Interrupting Cow Interrupti [MOOOOOOOO!] ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2002, 6:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/36 "2002-07-19T18:01:47Z")
Did you hear about the dyslexic warlock who sold his soul to Santa? ---
**Author:** ![B.Serum](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/b.serum/32/14266_2.png) [@B.Serum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/B.Serum)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2002, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/37 "2002-07-19T18:30:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Blue Curls \* > \*\* > > Yeah, I guess that is what I meant, I never knew what BP stood for though, thanks! \*\* [HIJACK] Ever since they merged with a bunch of other oil companies and became THE NUMBER ONE BIGGEST oil company, they are dead-set on becoming seen as being eco-consious. B.P. now stands for “Beyond Petroleum” I’m serious. This is not a joke. [/HIJACK] ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2002, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/38 "2002-07-19T21:15:34Z")
“My uncle is severely allergic to cotton. The doctor gave him some pills, but he can’t get them out of the bottle…” I’m proud, PROUD I say, that my “small, white and smooth” elephant joke is finally being appreciated by others. If you want tons of one-liners and short gags, listen to Steven Wright or Mitch Hedberg. Their acts are pretty much one short joke after another. Examples: “Sex with my girlfriend is amazing. It’s like a rock concert. She screams a lot…and she throws frisbees around the room. When she wants more she lights a match.” “The thing that’s depressing about tennis is, no matter how good I get, I’ll never be as good as a wall.” “I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.” “I went over to my friend’s house and helped him stay put. It’s a lot easier than helping someone move.” ---
**Author:** ![leechbabe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7cd45c/32.png) [@leechbabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/leechbabe)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2002, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/39 "2002-07-20T02:22:40Z")
Thanks guys these are great 🙂 Special thanks to **Astro** for the link. Mucho helpful. ---
**Author:** ![LolaCocaCola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7cd45c/32.png) [@LolaCocaCola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LolaCocaCola)\ **Post date:** [July 20, 2002, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517/40 "2002-07-20T02:34:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ace0Spades \* > \*\*More stolen jokes: > > Knock, knock > Who’s there? > Interrupting Cow > Interrupti [MOOOOOOOO!] \*\* Hehe That’s one of my all-time faves. 😛 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/desperately-need-one-liners-and-short-jokes/119517.md?page=3)