# Destination Wedding - not feeling the love **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 23, 2009, 9:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210 "2009-09-23T09:17:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210/41 "2009-09-23T20:08:18Z")
The OP has every right to bail; just “say [you] can’t get off work to make the hr drive to see everyone - taking time off work costs money.” Then volunteer to hold an over night ‘welcome to the family’ party for them at your house around… oh say… Christmas? If they have plans, tell them that August 2013 is an alternate date that works for you. You might even mention that you hope Mittens is feeling better by then. What…? ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210/42 "2009-09-23T20:17:32Z")
I ran across this looking at destination wedding links. I have to post this because it’s so bad. [Nacho cheese wedding fountain](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=voSugYHpong&feature=player_embedded#t=93):eek: This one was used at a wedding. [Gravy fountain](http://www.instructables.com/id/recirculating-gravy-fountain/)☹ This was more of a joke one. ---
**Author:** ![Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimmy_Gibbler)\ **Post date:** [September 23, 2009, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210/43 "2009-09-23T23:12:47Z")
> [@fessie](#): > > In all fairness, my sister IS a person who often goes to extraordinary lengths for others. Like, in the year after my twins were born she took the train from downtown out to our suburban apt every single week (didn’t miss more than 1 or 2) and watched them while I took an afternoon off. > > But I am (still) trying to talk her out of this. When she first announced it, I was like “Well that’s great - send me pix” and she was heartbroken. It hadn’t occurred to her that people might not be able to come, she and her fiancee love the boonies. I was going to join the “Hang the Bride” chorus, but this does change my take. I think your sister should look into the possibility of getting group rates at this hotel as well as locate cheaper lodging in the area for more frugal-minded guests. In addition, there’s nothing that prevents you and sister pooling some money together and treating your parents to an all-expenses-paid weekend in the country. ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Onimous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ea5d25/32.png) [@Ann\_Onimous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Onimous)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210/44 "2009-09-24T00:25:16Z")
I’d have to join the “I wouldn’t go” group. With two kids, I could think of a lot more important things to spend $1500 on. In this economy, expecting people to do that is totally ridiculous. When I got married, I married 600 miles from home. I knew my family would not be able to make that kind of trip, because I chose to live down here, and I didn’t expect them to. They love me just as much and my hubby and I are still just as married. ---
**Author:** ![drpepper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/8baadc/32.png) [@drpepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drpepper)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210/45 "2009-09-24T01:47:08Z")
Don’t go. Seriously. No need to be mean, petty, or snarky about telling her you won’t be there, but don’t go. Wrap up a thoughtful gift, lovely card, and mail it off. Take a couple hundred of what you would have spent and put it toward your folks’ trip expenses. Make _their_ trip a little less stressful somehow. I’m impressed that your sis is a giving person herself, and her past kindnesses would certainly make me want to make the effort, but no fucking way would I spend that kind of money and incur that inconvenience and all the rest of it, for people in their forties and at that stage of their life. Part of growing up is realizing that the world doesn’t revolve around you and your petty wants, but you can still find joy anyway. If it’s too much for you to skip entirely, then you just go yourself; spare the rest of your immediate family the inconvenience and expense. Split a room with your parents. Something. Anything is better than dropping money like that on a trip that’s all obligations and not something you would do for your family on your own. The money part of it alone is just not fair to your spouse and kids. And, sorry sis, they come first. They have to. ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 2:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210/46 "2009-09-24T02:20:55Z")
Yeah, I agree that sending my parents should be a priority here. Unfortunately they’re divorced, so it’s not as pleasant as one might like. But they do tolerate each other. And yeah, my sister’s not a shrew, she’s a really good person. Which has made this all the more puzzling to me. Helps to write it out and read your replies - thanks! 🆒 ---
**Author:** ![GilaB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@GilaB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GilaB)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210/47 "2009-09-24T02:21:40Z")
If you decide that you’ll forever regret not going, go. But is there nowhere cheaper that you could stay? Even with small twins, would it be worth driving an extra 20-30 minutes from a cheap motel to save $100+ a night? **pbbth** , you might want to look into arranging for transportation from a hotel outside of Manhattan. If you could arrange some sort of van/bus going from somewhere in Jersey or Westchester, people could probably save at close to half off of New York hotel prices, without worrying about getting to the wedding via mass transit in fancy clothing. On a separate note, do you have any plans in case it rains? We often see wedding ceremonies in Ft. Tryon Park (northern Manhattan) on a lovely terrace overlooking the Hudson, but a couple of weeks ago, we saw people arriving for a ceremony in a steady drizzle, and felt very bad for the whole group. If it were raining any harder, I don’t know what they would have done. ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210/48 "2009-09-24T02:57:42Z")
Oh I’m sure that’s what we would have to do. I’d even considered camping, but our vehicle’s too small for hauling gear. We’ll find another place to stay, for 1/2 the price. ---
**Author:** ![Bearflag70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Bearflag70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bearflag70)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210/49 "2009-09-24T03:45:31Z")
My wife and I did a destination wedding, of sorts, but it wasn’t so elaborate… not like a tropical resort kind of thing. We live in Sacramento, CA. Our wedding location was Portland, OR. We picked Portland because (1) we love it; and (2) we know reasonably priced nice places to stay; and (3) we could trim the guest list significantly by avoiding a Sacramento wedding and use a portion of the money saved to supplement the attendees’ travel costs a bit. Her family is from various parts of NorCal. EVERY member of her family was on board with the plan and loved the idea of going to Portland for a 3 day weekend. My family is from SoCal. They threw a fit because they thought it should be in Sacramento. I explained the only difference between Sac and Portland is an extra hour on a plane, plus a little more travel cost for the flight. We offered to pay the additional ticket price on each airline ticket. We made everyone’s hotel reservation for them at low cost but nice accommodations ($50/night). It sounds cheap but the place was really nice. I don’t think we were selfish, and everyone ended up having a good time. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 4:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210/50 "2009-09-24T04:14:50Z")
So, reading through this thread, I guess it sounds like my romantic dream for a destination funeral may be a bad idea. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210/51 "2009-09-24T04:18:19Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > So, reading through this thread, I guess it sounds like my romantic dream for a destination funeral may be a bad idea. You may get just as many people no matter where they bury you. ---
**Author:** ![drachillix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/48db29/32.png) [@drachillix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drachillix)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210/52 "2009-09-24T04:35:54Z")
> [@fessie](#): > > 1. It’s going to cost my family of four at least $1,500 and require a 12-hr drive w/our two small children to get there. > > [snip] > > 1. The couple’s website features, instead of a gift registry, a place for Paypal donations so they can buy property in a couple of years (this wedding is going to wipe out all of their cash, but they’re not going into debt for it). Don’t go, paypal them $750, and dare them to bitch. ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210/53 "2009-09-24T05:56:27Z")
> [@Harmonious\_Discord](#): > > You may get just as many people no matter where they bury you. Oh, come now. Let’s not forget the people who will attend the funeral to make sure he’s dead. You have to consider them, too! (Just kidding. I’m sure **Tom Tildrum** isn’t that bad.) ---
**Author:** ![missred](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/missred/32/14096_2.png) [@missred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missred)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 6:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210/54 "2009-09-24T06:29:27Z")
I would have a hard time justifying the time and expense for a destination wedding with a husband and two small children. I actually skipped my own sister’s DW in NYC because of getting time off work. Although, to be fair, everyone had (would have had) to travel to get to wherever they married. C’est le vie. I did, however, attend my daughter’s DW. In their case, there were only a few places where they could legally marry, so off to MA we all went. They made things a bit easier for the family, though. My DIL’s family had a home on the island and a family friend gave the use of their summer home as a wedding gift. Daughter and DIL paid for airfare for my son and his children, as they knew that it would make finances a bit tight for them. A good time was had by all. 🙂 I think that it would be nice for your sis to offer to pay your parents’ way and possibly subsidize yours if she truly would be upset at your absence. ---
**Author:** ![Girl\_From\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/3da27b/32.png) [@Girl\_From\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Girl_From_Mars)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210/55 "2009-09-24T07:57:58Z")
**Boy from Mars** and I live in Australia, my whole family lives in New Zealand (which is where we met and a lot of our friends are) and BFM’s entire family is in Italy. We can’t work out where to get married, since whichever way we go (NZ, Oz, Italy or somewhere in the middle), not everyone will be able to come (each of us have close family and friends with small children which means travel is out of the question). I find it bizarre that the question of who would be able to come hasn’t been top of mind for them in planning a destination wedding. It’s so much of an issue for us that we probably won’t end up getting married at all, putting it in the too hard basket. ---
**Author:** ![Obsidian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/51bf81/32.png) [@Obsidian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Obsidian)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 11:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210/56 "2009-09-24T11:12:53Z")
I’m from New Jersey, my husband is from Texas and we live in California. We’ve lived here a decade or more, so we have all our friends here. The final guest list was split nearly evenly in thirds, so we just decided to have it here. There was no way to make everyone happy, and in the end we felt that a) we didn’t want to deal with making long distance arrangements and b) we didn’t want to make the people with the highest expense/work burden (the bridal party) have to add travel expenses & hassle on top. (A good decision. My matron of honor ended up being 37 weeks pregnant on our wedding day and would never have been able to travel). One thing we did do (for all of those stuck in a similar situation) was have a friend record the wedding on video and stream it live over the web, so those who couldn’t make it (including my elderly grandfather) could watch it live. ---
**Author:** ![MsRobyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/90ced4/32.png) [@MsRobyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsRobyn)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 12:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210/57 "2009-09-24T12:09:41Z")
> [@Girl\_From\_Mars](#): > > **Boy from Mars** and I live in Australia, my whole family lives in New Zealand (which is where we met and a lot of our friends are) and BFM’s entire family is in Italy. We can’t work out where to get married, since whichever way we go (NZ, Oz, Italy or somewhere in the middle), not everyone will be able to come (each of us have close family and friends with small children which means travel is out of the question). I find it bizarre that the question of who would be able to come hasn’t been top of mind for them in planning a destination wedding. It’s so much of an issue for us that we probably won’t end up getting married at all, putting it in the too hard basket. I’m not sure if Australia has something similar, but can you get legally married by a judge first, then work out how and when to have a “real” wedding later? ---
**Author:** ![zagloba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/977dab/32.png) [@zagloba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zagloba)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210/58 "2009-09-24T12:34:10Z")
Some friends of mine got married in her hometown in Michigan, then had inexpensive receptions in his hometown in CA and in MA where she had lived for many years. Almost everyone they knew could celebrate with them, yet it still cost them far less than a destination wedding. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210/59 "2009-09-24T13:11:40Z")
Bottom line is that there are a handful of people in my life who are so important to me, and good to me, that I know they’d move mountains to be there for me should I need them. And I’ve lived long enough, and seen enough, to know that I WILL need them someday. Your sister came down every weekend to look after your twins so you could have an afternoon off? That’s all I need to know. Do what you need to do to make it to her wedding. And tell your husband to suck it up. If you need to borrow my van, you know where to reach me. ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [September 24, 2009, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210/60 "2009-09-24T13:21:47Z")
Thanks, Lisa. Honestly, skipping it really isn’t an option - not after I found out she was counting on me (which I didn’t assume, at first). I just needed to hear that I wasn’t crazy for thinking this whole thing is a bit wacky. I’d forgotten, too, that when she made her tardy appearance at the big family reunion, she brought gorgeous cupcakes that she made for our Dad. It was his birthday that weekend. Brought him a gift and card, too. It’s easy to forget that when I’m frustrated. My FIL has a small RV, I’m trying to get the nerve up to ask him if we can borrow it & haul everyone (divorced or not) that way. Then the kids could move around en route, that would help a lot. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/destination-wedding-not-feeling-the-love/511210.md?page=4)