# Devastated **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 24, 2008, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568 "2008-12-24T17:14:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![jsc1953](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@jsc1953](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jsc1953)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2008, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568/1 "2008-12-24T17:14:57Z")
My wife has lung cancer. The prognosis is not good. She’s spent the last 2 weeks in the hospital, sleeping (sedated), breathing through a respirator, and undergoing daily radiation treatments. The short term goal was always to get her to a point where she could breathe on her own; then (we thought) to begin chemo, and knock out the tumor. Cure, remission, whatever…just back to a normal life for a time. But yesterday I met with her doctors, who said that they don’t hold much hope for chemo…that we need to decide “whether” to go through chemo, or just to make her as comfortable as possible for as long as possible. They didn’t snatch away all possible hope…but darn near. Mentally, I’m curled in a fetal position (physically, I’m at work today for a half-day). We have 2 grown children who have been wonderfully supportive. I just don’t know where to begin, although typing this is somewhat therapeutic. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2008, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568/2 "2008-12-24T17:20:09Z")
I’m so sorry to hear this **jsc1953**. It sounds likely that you are in for some dreadfully sad times in the near future. I’m glad your children are there for you. I’m sending sympathetic thoughts your way, as will many people here. Post whenever you need to, we’ll be listening. ---
**Author:** ![Hanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b3f665/32.png) [@Hanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hanna)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2008, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568/3 "2008-12-24T17:24:22Z")
I’m so sorry. It is a terrible disease. I hope you can find peace. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2008, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568/4 "2008-12-24T17:24:33Z")
I’m really sorry to hear that you and your family are facing this horrible situation. Having to make treatment decisions is never easy unfortunately. I would strongly recommend seeking out the support of others who are facing this sort of diagnosis if you haven’t already done so. I know that one such forum exists at [HealthBoards Message Boards](http://www.cancerforums.net/forum-4.html) and I’m sure there are others out there. Sometimes physicians don’t always do a good job of explaining things or don’t really appreciate the emotional side of the disease, so I think it is very valuable to get the input of others who have actually been through it from the patient perspective. My very best wishes to you and your wife. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2008, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568/5 "2008-12-24T18:05:08Z")
{{{{{ **jsc1953** }}}}} I’m so sorry to hear that. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2008, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568/6 "2008-12-24T18:11:16Z")
I’m so sorry. Is your wife in a position to tell you her wishes? I’ll keep you guys in my thoughts. ---
**Author:** ![Tamerlane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tamerlane/32/7602_2.png) [@Tamerlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tamerlane)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2008, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568/7 "2008-12-24T18:15:15Z")
Sorry **jsc1953** :(. ---
**Author:** ![jsc1953](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@jsc1953](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jsc1953)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2008, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568/8 "2008-12-24T18:19:35Z")
> [@ivylass](#): > > I’m so sorry. Is your wife in a position to tell you her wishes? > > I’ll keep you guys in my thoughts. She should be, in a few days. I’ve been eagerly awaiting the day when she gets extubated and we can talk again…I can’t say I’m looking forward to this conversation now. ---
**Author:** ![freekalette](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/50afbb/32.png) [@freekalette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/freekalette)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2008, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568/9 "2008-12-24T18:26:00Z")
So sorry to hear this. I will keep your family in my thoughts. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2008, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568/10 "2008-12-24T18:27:24Z")
I’m very sorry. I will keep you in my thoughts as well… ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2008, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568/11 "2008-12-24T18:30:53Z")
What an incredibly difficult thing to have to go through. I am so sorry. ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2008, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568/12 "2008-12-24T18:33:47Z")
I’m so sorry. Let us know if there’s anything we can do to help. We’re here for you, for whatever it’s worth. ---
**Author:** ![Hockey\_Monkey](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a183cd/32.png) [@Hockey\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hockey_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2008, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568/13 "2008-12-24T18:36:03Z")
What a terrible thing to have to go through. I wish you didn’t have to. We are here for you. ---
**Author:** ![maladroit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@maladroit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maladroit)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2008, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568/14 "2008-12-24T18:37:43Z")
I’m very sorry. I strongly recommend a support group. On line is nice too, but try to find some face-to-face meetings. I had cancer and it really helped me. I didn’t have lung cancer, so I can’t speak to that, but I was diagnosed with breast cancer at stage 4 and was initially offered palliative care only. We had to do chemo first, then surgery due to the large size of the tumor. This was in 2002 and I’m still here! They make advances every day in the treatment of cancer, so have hope. Be realistic, listsen to what your wife wants, and listen to the doctors but there may be hope. ---
**Author:** ![Taters](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/taters/32/2845_2.png) [@Taters](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taters)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2008, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568/15 "2008-12-24T18:38:32Z")
I’m so sorry you, your wife, and family are facing this. I’ll think good thoughts for you and your family. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2008, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568/16 "2008-12-24T18:39:45Z")
How sad. I’m very sorry. I wish you and your wife peace. ---
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2008, 6:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568/17 "2008-12-24T18:42:51Z")
Don’t be afraid to hope for recovery. The doctors seem like they’re being realistic about their diagnosis, which is pretty bleak, but a little hope never hurt anyone. If the worst does happen, I’m happy you seem to have such a supportive family. ---
**Author:** ![jsc1953](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/5daacb/32.png) [@jsc1953](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jsc1953)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2008, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568/18 "2008-12-24T18:53:44Z")
> [@Mosier](#): > > Don’t be afraid to hope for recovery. The doctors seem like they’re being realistic about their diagnosis, which is pretty bleak, but a little hope never hurt anyone. If the worst does happen, I’m happy you seem to have such a supportive family. This is pretty much what the doctors said: they need to prepare their patients/families for the worst, while hoping for the best (although they did use the word “miraculous” to describe a positive outcome). My wife’s nurse had a sunnier outlook…in terms of short-term progress, yesterday was actually a good day. Take it one step at a time, and don’t give up hope. On the other hand, we may need to choose between quality and length of life; keeping a glimmer of hope alive may come at a cost. Some of the descriptions of chemo side-effects on the cancer forum listed above were pretty awful. ETA: and thanks, to all, for your kind thoughts, wishes, prayers, cyber-hugs and general support. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2008, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568/19 "2008-12-24T18:55:46Z")
That’s terrible, **jsc1953**. I’m very sorry to hear about it. Type all you like, and when you’re ready (probably sooner than you think), start talking to your children about what you think you should do. I don’t know if they expect your wife to wake up during or after these treatments, but that might help you decide how you feel, because you might need to have this conversation with her, too. ---
**Author:** ![maladroit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@maladroit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maladroit)\ **Post date:** [December 24, 2008, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568/20 "2008-12-24T18:59:29Z")
Chemo’s kind of like childbirth in that it’s the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through but it was worth it and the (fumbling for the right word, giving up and going with) ickiness of it fades out of memory with time. Most of the side effects are treatable, ask your nurse. And good luck. I second the thought “hope for the best, plan for the worst”. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastated/478568.md?page=2)