# Devastating Criticism **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 10, 2001, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692 "2001-08-10T00:21:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2001, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692/21 "2001-08-11T06:36:50Z")
These are **HARSH.** Let’s see what I can dig up from la Parker. “An attempt was made to suppress the book [_The President’s Daughter_ by Nan Britton]. The author states, in one of her prefaces, that ‘six burly policemen…seized and carried off the plates and printed sheets.’ ‘Lady,’ you want to say to the author, 'those weren’t policemen; they were critics of literature dressed up.” “…_The Autobiography of Margot Asquith_ (four volumes, neatly boxed, suitable for throwing purposes.)” “It may be that this autobiography [_In the Service of the King_, by Aimee Semple McPherson] is set down in sincerity, frankness, and simple effort. It may be, too, that the Statue of Liberty is situated in Lake Ontario.” “The sun becomes ‘that round orb of day’ (as opposed, I expect, to those square orbs you see about so much lately)…” “With the publication of this, her book, Aimee Semple McPherson has replaced Elsie Dinsmore as my favorite character in fiction.” “I cannot tell you how not hungry it makes me to follow [a character] in conversation.” “Nearly six hundred sheets to the title of _Dawn_; God help us one and all if Mr. Dreiser ever elects to write anything called _June Twenty-First!_” “Theodore Dreiser/should ought to write nicer.” ---
**Author:** ![cornflakes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9d8465/32.png) [@cornflakes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cornflakes)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2001, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692/22 "2001-08-11T15:32:20Z")
> [@](#): > > “That’s not writing, that’s typing.” Truman Capote discussing Kerouac’s _On the Road_. ---
**Author:** ![theendisnear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a4c791/32.png) [@theendisnear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/theendisnear)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2001, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692/23 "2001-08-11T17:34:47Z")
Best one line movie review ever: > [@](#): > > Dungeons and Dragons failed its saving throw against sucking ass ---
**Author:** ![Stratocaster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stratocaster/32/16393_2.png) [@Stratocaster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stratocaster)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2001, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692/24 "2001-08-11T17:57:34Z")
Frank Langella, shortly after _Dracula_, starred in a movie called _Sphinx_, which presumed, I believe, to be a tale of intrigue set in Egypt. It did not do well at the box office or with critics. I don’t remember who wrote it, but some critic wrapped it up nicely in a two-word review: > [@](#): > > _Sphinx_ > > It did. ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Rieux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Dr.Rieux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Rieux)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2001, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692/25 "2001-08-11T18:54:24Z")
Gene Shalit’s one-line review of Sphinx: “Get out the rhyming dictionary.” Pauline Kael summed up Steel Magnolias as “Two hours of fingernails on a chalkboard.” ---
**Author:** ![Chas.E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e99b99/32.png) [@Chas.E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chas.E)\ **Post date:** [August 11, 2001, 11:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692/26 "2001-08-11T23:50:52Z")
My favorite scathing review of all time was for the movie “Barfly.” The review merely read “Is that an adjective?” ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692/27 "2001-08-12T00:18:45Z")
‘You Were Meant For Me’ (US 1948): ‘That’s what you think’ (James Agee) ‘No Leave No Love’ (US 1946): ‘No comment’ (C. A. Lejeune) ‘The Agony And The Ecstasy’ (US 1965): ‘All agony, no ecstasy’ (Judith Crist) ---
**Author:** ![Gilligan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Gilligan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gilligan)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692/28 "2001-08-12T02:10:49Z")
Mike Nelson in _Movie Megacheese_ wrote some good reviews of bad films; one I remember particularly (if not exactly) was in his review of the _Batman_ movies - “That someone thought that the sight of Danny DeVito cramming alewives into his disgusting maw was something to be projected onto a screen for viewing by other human beings is something I will never understand.” ---
**Author:** ![ITR\_champion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c67d28/32.png) [@ITR\_champion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ITR_champion)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692/29 "2001-08-12T04:09:43Z")
Here’s Robert Horton’s reaction to the movie _Tomcats_: > [@](#): > > The writer-director, Gregory Poirier (whose writing credits include the suicide-inducing See Spot Run), appears motivated by the desire to see the philosophical insights of “The Man Show” translated to the big screen…Let’s leave Tomcats in the gutter where it belongs, and re-adjust the levels of cinematic hell, because Porky’s just got bumped up a notch. ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692/30 "2001-08-12T04:17:15Z")
I noticed a rather to-the-point review in Entertainment Weekly not to long ago of a movie called _What’s the Worst That Could Happen?_ _What’s the Worst That Could Happen?_ This movie. ---
**Author:** ![PatrickM](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7feea3/32.png) [@PatrickM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatrickM)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692/31 "2001-08-12T17:44:11Z")
I’ve always liked Mike Royko’s review of then-New York Mets’ first baseman Keith Hernandez’s book, which Cub-fan Royko named “A Very Solid Book” by virtue of the fact it survived repeated hurlings at his wall. ---
**Author:** ![ruadh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/d2c977/32.png) [@ruadh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ruadh)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692/32 "2001-08-12T17:51:01Z")
For music criticism, see just about every review ever written by J.D. Considine. Personally I’ve always _loathed_ these one-line reviews. They may be funny, but what the hell do they tell you about the film/album/whatever, other than that it isn’t to the reviewer’s personal taste? ---
**Author:** ![Chez\_Guevara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/aeb1de/32.png) [@Chez\_Guevara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chez_Guevara)\ **Post date:** [August 12, 2001, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692/33 "2001-08-12T17:53:35Z")
I had always thought that the ‘?’ ‘!’ exchange took place between Mark Twain and his agent, and not Victor Hugo and his agent. ---
**Author:** ![ndorward](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c2a13f/32.png) [@ndorward](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ndorward)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 1:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692/34 "2001-08-13T01:01:54Z")
A friend of mine, Robin Purves, co-edited one of my favourite poetry magazines of the 1990s with Peter Manson: _Object Permanence_ (alas, it ended after 8 issues). It was notable for its terrific reviews section–blunt, scabrous, & terse. I’ll enclose three reviews from a single page of the journal: > [@](#): > > Cole Swenson, _numen_. Burning Deck, Providence RI. 78pp A5, $8. (4.25 from Paul Green, see back cover). ISBN 1 866224 005. _Ice, glass, lake._ All but the last section, “Walk”, inhabit the divine sepulchre of _The Tennis Court Oath_, madly dote upon its strangling _bel canto_ and devoutly worship it as their tutelary God. “And now something has happened to the throat” (“II”, from “Crowd”). Disappointing. > > Peter deRous, _The Janet Poems_. Kawabata Press, Cornwall PL10 1DX. Illustrations by Laurence Calvert. 39pp A5, 1.50. ISBN 0 906110 64 5. A sequence about Janet’s underwear and shoes. The, _ahem_, “Olsonian” arrangement of words on the page, the jerky syntax, gives the lascivious drooling a bashful, hesitant quality–not so much _open_ field as _furtive field_. The illustrations, by Laurence Calvert, would make a fucking dog laugh. > > Laura Moriarty, _Symmetry_, Avec Books, PO Box 1059, Penngrove, CA 94951. 124pp A5, $9.99 in USA. ISBN 1 880713 04 7. Connoisseurs of Robert Creeley’s blurbs will not be disappointed, “Laura Moriarty has unique wit and humour–and perhaps the most perceptive engagement with words that anyone’s had for years”, detecting in that single “perhaps” the hand of a master. Avec are one of the very best small presses in the U.S.; this book, however, is stunningly poor. At best, it’s like David Bromige with all his internal organs removed, but more often it is important drivel; vague, clumsy and overblown. Unintentionally hilarious if you’re in the right mood. “The end of the world embroidered onto a big silk thing.” (“Night” 9). On the other hand perhaps I may be permitted the indulgence of quoting a review of Keith Tuma’s _Anthology of 20th-Century British and Irish Poetry_ (Oxford University Press, 2001), a book for which I wrote all the annotations. This is by Sean O’Brien in the current issue of _Poetry Review_: just the opening few paragraphs, though it doesn’t exactly get nicer > [@](#): > > Poetry is too important to be left to zealots. Louis Simpson’s great poem ‘To the Western World’ ends “And grave by grave we civilize the ground.” The significance of this would not be lost on native Americans, or the Vietnamese, but in the absence of war a much more effective arm of “civilization” is everywhere in play, namely cultural imperialism. It was once said that Americans found no cultural differences so complex that they couldn’t be overcome by ignoring them, and in a minor-outpost-in-the-badlands way, Keith Tuma’s clodhopping anthology is part of this enterprise. We are to be made safe for Modernism. Apparently we’ve been denying its existence. > > Tuma wants us to know he comes in friendship, to explain how things really are. As he notes, most of his readership will actually be college students in the USA, who won’t know any better, but the introduction reads as though aimed at some readers in Britain and Ireland who may take issue with his approach. For them he has this warning: > > > [@](#): > > > > Some…will be eager to point out that I am an American, and that my insistence that twentieth century British and Irish poetry be recognized for its contributions to modernism reflects American values. Forms of this insidious representational logic, in which national identity is paramount and citizenship magically confers authentic expertise, have had a devastating effect on much of the poetry produced in this century… [There] is…a problem with the use of reified or shallow notions of tradition to exclude whole ranges of poetry. The distorted rhetorics that can result from an appeal to something like national tradition or “Englishness” have far-reaching consequences on both the reading and writing of poetry… > > “Insidious representational logic”, eh? Whereas Tuma has presumably acquired some one-size-fits-all insight which carries him beyond the reach of these ills. There are parallels here with George W. Bush’s recent European visit. Admittedly Dubya had a missile shield to impose on his “freedom-loving allies”, or else; Tuma only has poetry, but you can’t fault his commitment to sharing the task of endarkenment. The inclination to the Left which might be inferred from this anthology–and which in a rational world would separate him from the Republican president (doh!)–serves merely to illustrate what happens in a country where the Left has no public political presence at all: it retires to college and tries to take over a shrivelled version of the world from there. OK: sorry for the self-indulgence here. (I should add that I’m not especially unhappy about the review: if the book is offending someone as asinine as Mr O’Brien, then it’s doing something right.) ---
**Author:** ![Kaitlyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/73ab20/32.png) [@Kaitlyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaitlyn)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692/35 "2001-08-13T02:51:39Z")
After a musical introduction to the Academy awards featuring Rob Lowe and Teri Garr, neither of whom can sing a note, singing a duet, one reviewer was prompted to write, “If a brick could sing, it would sound like Teri Garr.” Dont remember the critic or the movie, but the line sticks with me: “[This movie] achieves the remarkable feat of being offensive without at the same time being interesting.” More Roger Ebert: Armageddon: “No matter what they’re charging to get in, it’s worth more to get out.” Caligula: “Caligula is utterly worthless, shameful trash. Caligula is not good art, it is not good cinema, it is not good porn.” Jaws the Revenge: “What shark wouldn’t want revenge against the survivors of the men who killed it?” Lake Placid: “This is the kind of movie that actors discuss in long, sad talks with their agents.” ---
**Author:** ![Equipoise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/equipoise/32/151_2.png) [@Equipoise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Equipoise)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692/36 "2001-08-13T04:13:24Z")
Ebert’s first paragraph: “Battlefield Earth” is like taking a bus trip with someone who has needed a bath for a long time. It’s not merely bad; it’s unpleasant in a hostile way. The visuals are grubby and drab. The characters are unkempt and have rotten teeth. Breathing tubes hang from their noses like ropes of snot. The soundtrack sounds like the boom mike is being slammed against the inside of a 55-gallon drum. The plot. . . . Ha! The rest is at [http://www.suntimes.com/ebert/ebert\_reviews/2000/05/051202.html](http://www.suntimes.com/ebert/ebert_reviews/2000/05/051202.html) To see a bunch more great really bad BE reviews: [http://www.rottentomatoes.com/movie-1097232/](http://www.rottentomatoes.com/movie-1097232/) Eq ---
**Author:** ![ITR\_champion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c67d28/32.png) [@ITR\_champion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ITR_champion)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692/37 "2001-08-13T04:55:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Dr. Schadenfreude \* > \*\*I had always thought that the ‘?’ ‘!’ exchange took place between Mark Twain and his agent, and not Victor Hugo and his agent. \*\* For what it’s worth, the Guinness Book of World Records says that it involved Hugo. It is listed as “World’s shortest corresppondence”. ---
**Author:** ![Junior\_Spaceman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/eb8c5e/32.png) [@Junior\_Spaceman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Junior_Spaceman)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692/38 "2001-08-13T05:01:26Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dasceder \* > \*\*And then there’s Rolling Stone’s review of Bob Dylan’s (I think) “Self Portrait” which read, simply, “This is shit.” \*\* Actually, this was a very long review in many sections (1 per song), the first of which consisted of “What is this shit?”. There’s rarely been a more detailed ripping apart of a work of art, so I thought it was worth defending. The whole thing appears in Clinton Heylin’s ‘Encyclopedia of Rock and Roll Writing’. There’s one particularly annoying, namedropping poseur of a journalist in Melbourne - I won’t mention his name, but let’s call him Cameron. He hated the first Pearl Jam album, and when the first single (GO) from their second record came out, he obviously didn’t even listen to it before giving the two word review “Go. Away.” When it came around for him to review the record, he was quite positive about it, which did not do much for his credibility. ---
**Author:** ![seriousart](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ebca7d/32.png) [@seriousart](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/seriousart)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692/39 "2001-08-13T06:25:10Z")
If you want some pretty crude, no holds barred (admittedly, kinda funny) ranting about the movie du jour check out [www.filthycritic.com](http://www.filthycritic.com). Here’s an sample from a recent review titled **"Planet Of the Shit Throwing Apes"** > [@](#): > > Those thieving grassfuckers in LA think we’re so Goddamn stupid that the “surprise” of this ending will outweigh the sheer disbelief of even the dumb teenagers behind me. Note to studio executives: a twist only works if it makes some sense. Any sense. A ripe pile of shit out of left field just makes you look desperate. And you obviously were. Or in reference to the recent **Rush Hour 2** > [@](#): > > Really, shit like Rush Hour 2 is not about you or me laughing, or being entertained, or storytelling, or even remembering what the fuck we just saw. It’s a piece of shit that the grassfuckers in Hollywood can’t even believe is good, but believe they can sell. It sure ain’t Shakespeare, but he does effectively sum up the frustration many of us feel after seeing some of these films. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [August 13, 2001, 9:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692/40 "2001-08-13T09:52:07Z")
I heard somebody say (of some famous hunk actor) that ‘his face looks like it has been carved from corned beef’, which made me laugh. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/devastating-criticism/75692.md?page=1)