# Dial 1-800-FUCK-YOU **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 11, 1999, 12:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515 "1999-12-11T12:01:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Byzantine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dfb087/32.png) [@Byzantine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Byzantine)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 1999, 12:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515/1 "1999-12-11T12:01:00Z")
I always thought that would be really funny. But, hey, who would call? Masochists looking for a fun night on the phone? “Yeah, hi, this is Dominique the Dominatrix. How can I fuck you?” (Can’t you just HEAR that voice?) 1-800-GET-HAIR That could get some responses. I’ll bet that’s a real number, though. ## What other fun 1-800 numbers can YOU think up? I’m putting this in the pit because I just KNOW the language will get dirty. Hell, I’m looking forward to it! Best! Byz ---
**Author:** ![Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troy_mcclure_sf/32/4150_2.png) [@Troy\_McClure\_SF](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Troy_McClure_SF)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 1999, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515/2 "1999-12-11T19:44:00Z")
1-800 FELCH-ME 1-800 MT FLAPS * * * JMcC, San Francisco, [JJM’s page from the Bay](http://members.tripod.com/~weirdstuff/index.html) If I were a baseball player, and I got beaned by a fastball, I wouldn’t want medical attention. I’d want my limp, lifeless body flung to 1st, cause, dammit, I earned it! ---
**Author:** ![speakeasy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ec9cab/32.png) [@speakeasy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/speakeasy)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 1999, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515/3 "1999-12-11T20:44:00Z")
Well I’m sure you’ve seen the 1 800 EAT SHIT stickers around. Several years ago I and some drunk buddies called it just for fun. Turned out to be an ad to order more bumper stickers. Last year I heard the number didn’t work anymore tho. ---
**Author:** ![Sealemon88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c68b51/32.png) [@Sealemon88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sealemon88)\ **Post date:** [December 11, 1999, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515/4 "1999-12-11T21:46:00Z")
1-800-MON-KEYS "Hello, welcome to the Monkey Hot Line! If you’d like to hear 1,000 monkeys typing randomly on 1,000 typewriters, press “1”. If you’d like to hear a monkey chew you out like the pig that you are, press “2”. If you’d like to hear the sound of monkeys flinging feces, press “3”. If you’d like to hear the sound of monkeys screaming to the haunting tune of The Lion Sleeps Tonight, press “4”. Press “5” to schedule a one-on-one session with the actor from B.J. and the Bear! Don’t worry, he has _plenty_ of time!" Ohhhh, man. Someone help me out of the Bad Place. * * * You say “cheesy” like that’s a **BAD** thing. ---
**Author:** ![Daniel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Daniel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daniel)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 1999, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515/5 "1999-12-12T01:54:00Z")
> [@](#): > > If you’d like to hear the sound of monkeys screaming to the haunting tune of The Lion Sleeps Tonight, press “4”. I actually own that CD. _Barnyard Beat_, it’s called. Also on the CD is a seal singing “I Feel Good” and a chicken singing “Born to Be Wild”. I know this is more appropriate for the “Embarrassing things you won’t admit IRL” thread in MPSIMS, but then I guess no one would know what made me think of it. . . * * * “I’m just too much for human existence – I should be animated.” –Wayne Knight ---
**Author:** ![handy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5a626/32.png) [@handy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handy)\ **Post date:** [December 12, 1999, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515/6 "1999-12-12T16:17:00Z")
Lenny was right, ‘fuck’ is feel nice thing. ‘fuck you dad!’ Should be positive thing, no? Anyway, [www.register.com](http://www.register.com) says that [1-800-fuck-you.com/org/net](http://1-800-fuck-you.com/org/net) is NOT available. you know what that means? ‘fuck’ can’t be in a web site name, or so it seems. ---
**Author:** ![Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/96bed5/32.png) [@Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patty_O_Furniture)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 1999, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515/7 "1999-12-14T19:01:00Z")
Try this, it’s a real message recorded for all of those who like to tell polish jokes: 1-800-POLISH-Q You just won’t believe it… ---
**Author:** ![Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/96bed5/32.png) [@Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patty_O_Furniture)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 1999, 9:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515/8 "1999-12-14T21:19:00Z")
Of course I meant **P** olish jokes. ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 1999, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515/9 "1999-12-14T22:54:00Z")
Um, how’d you get a phone with a ‘Q’? ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 1999, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515/10 "1999-12-15T13:47:00Z")
Handy, I do tech support for a webhosting provider. _Believe_ me, you can use “fuck” in a domain name. Network Solutions and the other name registers don’t care one way or another. On a random search, [www.fuck.com](http://www.fuck.com) didn’t come up, but [www.fuckingfantasy.com](http://www.fuckingfantasy.com) (a customer of my company), and [www.fucking.com](http://www.fucking.com) both came up. Um . . . they both resolved. * * * Will work for sig line. ---
**Author:** ![Diane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2acd7d/32.png) [@Diane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diane)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 1999, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515/11 "1999-12-15T14:19:00Z")
I thought the Felch-Hotline was 1-800-EAT-SHIT. * * * \>^,^\< KITTEN Fluff yer hair Beula, I’s feelin frisky - M.S. ---
**Author:** ![Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/96bed5/32.png) [@Patty\_O\_Furniture](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Patty_O_Furniture)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 1999, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515/12 "1999-12-15T15:49:00Z")
Crick, now you’ve ruined it for all the half-wits who would have otherwise picked up the phone & dialed, hunt-and-peck style, through the whole number only to realize by the time they got to the Q… _rasberries_ ---
**Author:** ![webslave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/aca169/32.png) [@webslave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/webslave)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 1999, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515/13 "1999-12-15T19:27:00Z")
Hi this is my first post on this board, and wanted to let you all know about registering “dirty-word” domain names. Internic and Network SOlutions will not register them. That is simply their policy. The place i have registered my “dirty-word” domains, and i have several is: [http://www.netwiz.net](http://www.netwiz.net) i am not affiliated with them in any way other than i register with them and think they provide GREAT service. Hope this helps! ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 1999, 2:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515/14 "1999-12-16T02:23:00Z")
Sealemon88 wrote, re 1-800-MONKEYS: > [@](#): > > Press “5” to schedule a one-on-one session with the actor from B.J. and the Bear! Don’t worry, he has plenty of time!" Wait a minute! The critter on _B.J. and the Bear_ was a chimpanzee, not a monkey! ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 1999, 6:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515/15 "1999-12-16T06:11:00Z")
Sorry to walk on yer ‘Prince Albert in a Can’ gag there Opus, but Jaysus H. Washington, I dialed that number ye posted and me bleedin’ mother answered! That just wasn’t very nice. 1-800-BAD-JOKE. Dr. Watson "Once more, with feeling . . . " ---
**Author:** ![Byzantine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dfb087/32.png) [@Byzantine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Byzantine)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 1999, 6:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515/16 "1999-12-17T06:32:00Z")
1-800-NOT-POOF For all you men who like the flat haired women. 1-800-ME-FLUFF For all you men who like the fluffy women. 1-800-NOT-TUNA This is just for you know who! * * * Best! Byz ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 1999, 9:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515/17 "1999-12-17T09:11:00Z")
re: the monkey hotline to hear “hey, hey we’re the Monkees…” * * * “There’s a snake in my boot!” ---
**Author:** ![handy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/b5a626/32.png) [@handy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handy)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 1999, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515/18 "1999-12-18T16:45:00Z")
phouka, what you sayd & what webslave says, don’t seem to agree… ---
**Author:** ![Byzantine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dfb087/32.png) [@Byzantine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Byzantine)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 1999, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515/19 "1999-12-19T05:46:00Z")
1-800-GET-BENT For that boomerang penis thing. Come on, those dicks are just trying to hit the G-spot! 1-800-NOT-REAL For any man that THINKS those 976 number women really look anything like those ads! 1-800-BIG-DICK For any woman that THINKS those 976 number men really look anything like those ads! 1-800-GET-CLUE For anyone who is taking any of these numbers seriously… ---
**Author:** ![Nickrz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/bbce88/32.png) [@Nickrz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nickrz)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 1999, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515/20 "1999-12-19T15:31:00Z")
1-800-GO-MPSIMS [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dial-1-800-fuck-you/3515.md?page=2)