# Did anybody ever raise their wife's libido? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 16, 2010, 9:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891 "2010-07-16T09:48:26Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2010, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891/81 "2010-07-17T16:29:14Z")
> [@Hampshire](#): > > Didn’t work. Now what? Looking at your recent post about having a young son who gets a lot of attention, I wouldn’t be surprised if it boiled down to simply that your wife is tired from the kid and the job. I think a lot of times that’s all it is: For most of us who are female, sex is a very low priority when we’re tired out. I have had busy stretches at work where I went months without really even thinking much about sex. There’s no magic pill for that. Just have to get some time away from whatever is wearing you down. I think another common problem (and I am not saying that this is the case in your situation, just speaking generally here) is that guys get too “comfortable” around their wives. I have heard women complain about how their hubby has gross habits and thinks nothing of doing things like farting/nose-picking/leaving the bathroom door open/etc. in front of her…and about how that does spoil the attraction for some women. Sometimes it does help to try to remember your manners from dating if you want things to continue to be like they were back then. ---
**Author:** ![Eleanor\_of\_Aquitaine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Eleanor\_of\_Aquitaine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eleanor_of_Aquitaine)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2010, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891/82 "2010-07-17T18:55:12Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > And, while surgery may be a valid option, it was brought up a little too casually for my tastes. Something that permanent should only be brought up as a last resort. Well, the OP asked for suggestions, including something a husband could do. I think a vasectomy is a valuable contribution a husband can make to their sexual relationship, presuming that they’ve had all the kids they want. My main point was that hormonal birth control can dampen a woman’s libido. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2010, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891/83 "2010-07-17T19:54:54Z")
> [@lavenderviolet](#): > > I think another common problem (and I am not saying that this is the case in your situation, just speaking generally here) is that guys get too “comfortable” around their wives. I have heard women complain about how their hubby has gross habits and thinks nothing of doing things like farting/nose-picking/leaving the bathroom door open/etc. in front of her…and about how that does spoil the attraction for some women. Sometimes it does help to try to remember your manners from dating if you want things to continue to be like they were back then. That, let me assure you, is by no means uniquely a guy thing. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![CrazyCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dfb087/32.png) [@CrazyCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrazyCatLady)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2010, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891/84 "2010-07-17T19:55:16Z")
> [@Attack\_from\_the\_3rd\_dimension](#): > > If **3D** is supposed to be me, **Attack from the 3rd dimension** , I think you’ve screwed up your attributions. I suggested ‘_pineapple juice_’, riffing off a prior poster, and then asked about vasectomy and dementia, a related issue. I suspect you meant **Chessic** , but didn’t check far enough back in the thread. You’re correct, I was trying to eat, type, and get ready for work all at the same time and looked at the wrong quote. Sorry bout that. > [@Electric\_Warrior](#): > > Isn’t “wear a condom” a slightly more acceptable answer than “permanently render yourself infertile”? Depends on whether you’re done having kids and how unacceptable pregnancy is. And yeah, 15% is within the range for a typical use failure rate–the more, uh, hands-on a birth control method is the easier it is to mess things up. Perfect use failure rate is something like 8%, but typical use failure rates tend to get quoted as something like 11-15%. I personally would prefer to never have sex again than to live with that kind of worry, but other people in other situations would take you up on it. > [@Malacandra](#): > > To take a random example, I know a guy - we’ll call him Poster M - for whom fear of pregnancy or the inconvenience of hormonal BC barely registers on the signal-to-noise ratio of reasons why sex is going to happen twice a month, tops, for maybe twenty minutes a time. But it’s not up to me to dictate what Poster M’s wife does with her precious, precious vagina, is it? Who is saying anything about dictating what anyone does with their crotch? “X is a valid topic for discussion, and having a cow that it was even mentioned makes you look dumb,” is NOT the same thing as “You must do X.” But you know that already. Poster M’s wife is no more under any obligation to fuck him than anyone is to get a vasectomy. But I would expect her to be able to discuss the matter sanely without freaking out about the fact that it was even mentioned. I mean, if she was asking about how to fix some issue that’s maybe caused by a lack of sex and someone suggesting she have sex once in a while, and her response was “Sex?! SEX?!! THAT’s your solution, that I let him spill his foul fluids inside me? Hell, why don’t I polish his shoes with my toothbrush while I’m at it?” you’d think she was being more than a touch overdramatic, right? _That_’s the issue. Not that someone doesn’t want to have a vasectomy, but that it’s a huge freakout-worthy _thing_ that you even mention the possibility. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2010, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891/85 "2010-07-18T06:26:52Z")
> [@CrazyCatLady](#): > > Poster M’s wife is no more under any obligation to fuck him than anyone is to get a vasectomy. But I would expect her to be able to discuss the matter sanely without freaking out about the fact that it was even mentioned. I mean, if she was asking about how to fix some issue that’s maybe caused by a lack of sex and someone suggesting she have sex once in a while, and her response was “Sex?! SEX?!! THAT’s your solution, that I let him spill his foul fluids inside me? Hell, why don’t I polish his shoes with my toothbrush while I’m at it?” you’d think she was being more than a touch overdramatic, right? > > _That_’s the issue. Not that someone doesn’t want to have a vasectomy, but that it’s a huge freakout-worthy _thing_ that you even mention the possibility. Understood. The point is what happens next if I then say to her - or to the world in general, in her hearing - “Oh, don’t be hysterical, he’s not going to break your precious, precious vagina!”. I admit it’s possible that she might say “You know, you’re right, perhaps I ought to think again,” but I wouldn’t bet more than pocket change on it. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2010, 7:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891/86 "2010-07-18T07:36:39Z")
> [@Eleanor\_of\_Aquitaine](#): > > Well, the OP asked for suggestions, including something a husband could do. I think a vasectomy is a valuable contribution a husband can make to their sexual relationship, presuming that they’ve had all the kids they want. My main point was that hormonal birth control can dampen a woman’s libido. So, then, the next time someone complains about, I dunno, PMS, I should be able to bring up having a hysterectomy. It seems you just don’t get how out of proportion the recommendation was. Going straight from “I’m not getting enough sex” to “Maybe I should have a vasectomy” is just odd. It’s pretty universal that a vasectomy is a big deal to men, whether women understand it or not. Plus, I’m pretty sure that, if the easier option were on the female side, I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t take it lightly either. Finally, making fun of someone for valuing their sexual organs: that’s far more juvenile. The guy flipping apologized for overreacting, and people still were making fun of him. ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2010, 7:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891/87 "2010-07-18T07:43:02Z")
ETA: Also, remember, I’m only objecting to it being mentioned as casually as it was. The response to that is actually quite predictable. ---
**Author:** ![Chicken\_Fingers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Chicken\_Fingers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chicken_Fingers)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2010, 7:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891/88 "2010-07-18T07:56:32Z")
Assuming it’s not medical/hormonal/exhaustion issues causing the low libido? First, don’t be a disappointment in bed. Be clean and nonstinky. Pay attention and be affectionate at other times than when you want sex. And yes, do extra chores. It’s almost freakishly arousing to a lot of women. I don’t know why no one’s thought to have a cable channel of all hunky guys doing chores. I’d watch. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2010, 8:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891/89 "2010-07-18T08:15:15Z")
Aaaand round and round we go. “You’re no good in bed. Your personal hygiene is disgusting. You don’t do enough to maintain the relationship. You’re bone idle.” Really, is it so freakishly hard to understand that some people just flat-out do not want sex as much as some other people, and we don’t need to fish about to find something that the higher-sexed partner is doing wrong? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2010, 1:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891/90 "2010-07-18T13:50:24Z")
Except, of course, if the higher-sexed partner ASKED for advice. Which he did. Right there in the OP. Sure, it’s not useful to blame everything on the higher-sexed partner. It’s also not useful to scream “THAT WILL NEVER WORK!!! Let me TELL you about lack of sex!!! LET ME TELL YOU HOW LONG-SUFFERING I AM!!!” at people who are offering well intentioned advice. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2010, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891/91 "2010-07-18T15:08:11Z")
> [@Ladymarmalade](#): > > Just wondering, has anybody ever done anything that worked to make their wife want sex more often, or have any women ever raised their libido themselves? If so, what did you do? > [@DianaG](#): > > Except, of course, if the higher-sexed partner ASKED for advice. Which he did. Right there in the OP. Except not. You can see what he actually said, and it wasn’t “Get in here and tell these poor schlubs everything they’re doing wrong”. > [@DianaG](#): > > Sure, it’s not useful to blame everything on the higher-sexed partner. It’s also not useful to scream “THAT WILL NEVER WORK!!! Let me TELL you about lack of sex!!! LET ME TELL YOU HOW LONG-SUFFERING I AM!!!” at people who are offering well intentioned advice. No, but people who make a hobby of looking for sex-starved schlubs to yell at deserve to be screamed at now and then. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2010, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891/92 "2010-07-18T16:51:53Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > Aaaand round and round we go. “You’re no good in bed. Your personal hygiene is disgusting. You don’t do enough to maintain the relationship. You’re bone idle.” Really, is it so freakishly hard to understand that some people just flat-out do not want sex as much as some other people, and we don’t need to fish about to find something that the higher-sexed partner is doing wrong? :dubious: Looks like \*someone \*needs to get laid… ---
**Author:** ![Eleanor\_of\_Aquitaine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Eleanor\_of\_Aquitaine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eleanor_of_Aquitaine)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2010, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891/93 "2010-07-18T17:14:28Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > So, then, the next time someone complains about, I dunno, PMS, I should be able to bring up having a hysterectomy. If a hysterectomy was as simple a procedure as a vasectomy and had comparable side-effects then I’d schedule one tomorrow. I may have been flippant, but the OP didn’t give enough information for more considered advice. ---
**Author:** ![Unintentionally\_Blank](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/unintentionally_blank/32/5418_2.png) [@Unintentionally\_Blank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Unintentionally_Blank)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2010, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891/94 "2010-07-18T18:09:05Z")
I keep meaning to post to this thread but keep forgetting…I’d like to add that libidos are not written in stone and nailed to the floor. If you have a relationship that extends over many years, you may find the libido gap changes over time (heck, ever swaps places, occsaionally). The communication and understanding is key, if the lower libido partner ‘puts out’ occasionally, and the higher libido partner ‘rubs one out’ occasionally, it’s pretty easy to get along. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2010, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891/95 "2010-07-18T18:21:02Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > Except not. You can see what he actually said, and it wasn’t “Get in here and tell these poor schlubs everything they’re doing wrong”. Except that wasn’t really happening. People were offering suggestions as to how he could be _better_, which isn’t the same thing. An attitude of “Why should _ **I** _ have to do anything different?” accomplishes nothing except to keep one comfortably unhappy. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2010, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891/96 "2010-07-18T20:02:49Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > Looks like \*someone \*needs to get laid… Nah, it’s all good. Declining testosterone levels leave me a lot less frantic than I was 25 years ago, and you may notice I haven’t actually been complaining about my sex life in this thread. And thanks to broadband, free porn’s a lot easier to come by than it was even five years ago. > [@DianaG](#): > > Except that wasn’t really happening. People were offering suggestions as to how he could be _better_, which isn’t the same thing. An attitude of “Why should _ **I** _ have to do anything different?” accomplishes nothing except to keep one comfortably unhappy. Except that the OP was asking “_Has_ anyone done this successfully?” not “Please would you speculate wildly about everything I am (and every other man posting in this thread is) doing wrong in regards to attractiveness, personal hygiene, responsibility and attentiveness; up to and including recommending surgical procedures I should consider.” But the second question is more fun to answer, isn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![alexandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e68b1a/32.png) [@alexandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/alexandra)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2010, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891/97 "2010-07-18T21:15:57Z")
> [@Malacandra](#): > > Nah, it’s all good. Declining testosterone levels leave me a lot less frantic than I was 25 years ago, and you may notice I haven’t actually been complaining about my sex life in this thread. :dubious: Hmmm. maybe not directly. But it’s really tedious seeing you hijack these kinds of threads with your issues, and it’s more than a little hypocritical for you to call out other posters on a pattern of behaviour. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2010, 10:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891/98 "2010-07-18T22:01:24Z")
> [@alexandra](#): > > :dubious: Hmmm. maybe not directly. But it’s really tedious seeing you hijack these kinds of threads with your issues, and it’s more than a little hypocritical for you to call out other posters on a pattern of behaviour. I ain’t hijacked shit with my issues in this thread, so suppose you stop playing “Give a dog a bad name and hang him”, m’kay? ---
**Author:** ![Chicken\_Fingers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Chicken\_Fingers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chicken_Fingers)\ **Post date:** [July 18, 2010, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891/99 "2010-07-18T22:13:13Z")
I’ll have to remember not to post while simultaneously barking out orders to the kids. My ideas were not accusations or assumptions directed toward anyone. They were just factors that can turn the tide for some women when they’re feeling blah. For all we know, OP is practically perfect in every way, and the sexual mismatch is outside anything he can do. ---
**Author:** ![Malacandra](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Malacandra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malacandra)\ **Post date:** [July 19, 2010, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891/100 "2010-07-19T16:02:03Z")
Children in need of attention are the natural enemies of quality posting. But I quite agree that people should take care to maintain their relationships and not take them for granted. It’s just that I share the OP’s curiosity as to whether any of these measures to render a partner (why a wife? I’m sure women must have their own stories to tell) more sexually amenable ever _have_ actually effected the desired change. I think it’s at least as possible that people’s sexual desires are what they are, and that - even if the extra attentiveness, chore-undertaking, flower-giving, ear-lending and personal hygiene aren’t dismissed out of hand as a creepy attempt to get laid more - any change is likely to be temporary and the loved one’s horniness will regress right back to the mean sooner rather than later. And when I say that I personally am past caring - for up to now, I’ve not really been talking about myself in this thread - I’m not doing it to fish for sympathy or impress anyone with my Stoicism. Right now I’m far more interested in planning what use I’m going to make of the new organ our church is about to buy, and I don’t see the sense in fretting any longer over something that’s occupied far too much of my time for years too long. Granted, I can echo Omar’s pot in saying “But, fill me with the old familiar Juice,/Methinks I might recover by-and-bye!”, 'cos all the parts are definitely in perfect working order, but I’m not an upset horny twenty-something any more, for which on the whole I’m pretty grateful. 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-anybody-ever-raise-their-wifes-libido/546891.md?page=6)