# Did I do something wrong here? \[relationship discourse advice\] **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [February 14, 2017, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-i-do-something-wrong-here-relationship-discourse-advice/779854 "2017-02-14T22:50:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Orwell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/dfb087/32.png) [@Orwell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Orwell)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2017, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-i-do-something-wrong-here-relationship-discourse-advice/779854/21 "2017-02-15T21:20:36Z")
> [@](#): > > The moment you said ’ I’d never ask anyone to change their body to suit me’, her mind (and mine) went instantly to ‘He doesn’t like my body but doesn’t feel right asking me to change it’. This is a no-win situation if I ever saw one. They just started dating, so how can he have meaningful input into something so serious with long-term consequences as weight loss surgery. But even beyond that, how is he supposed to answer? “Oh yeah, that’s a good idea” turns into “you’re so fat you need to do something drastic about it”. “You don’t need to do that” translates to “he’s a chubby-chaser who likes fat girls”. And the actual response is translated just as above. The only proper response is “I need to go to the bathroom”. ---
**Author:** ![purplehearingaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@purplehearingaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehearingaid)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2017, 10:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-i-do-something-wrong-here-relationship-discourse-advice/779854/22 "2017-02-15T22:14:09Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > She’s got insecurities on top of each other. I would take this as a major red flag and walk away. I agree with you ! There is no way the OP is going to be able to say the right thing , the woman hear what she want to hear . ---
**Author:** ![CurtC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ce73a5/32.png) [@CurtC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CurtC)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2017, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-i-do-something-wrong-here-relationship-discourse-advice/779854/23 "2017-02-15T22:42:44Z")
> [@AngelSoft](#): > > The moment you said ’ I’d never ask anyone to change their body to suit me’, her mind (and mine) went instantly to ‘He doesn’t like my body but doesn’t feel right asking me to change it’. Yep, I agree with that. You (the OP) should talk to her and use wording like this: “If you feel like you need this surgery for _you_, I will be there for you. And don’t do it for _me_, because I like you the way you are.” She may be oversensitive, and she was out of line to tell Mr. Unknown to Me, but if you had used wording like this in the first place you probably wouldn’t be in this situation. If she’s sensitive about something, you should be able to work with that. We all have our flaws. On the other hand, if she’s psycho about it, DTMFA. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2017, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-i-do-something-wrong-here-relationship-discourse-advice/779854/24 "2017-02-15T22:50:08Z")
> [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](#): > > This is someone that, if you stay, you’ll be walking on eggshells for the entire relationship.: the way you said something, didn’t say something, etc. Why would you want that? Bingo. And as I’ve said since my own divorce: If you ignore a forest of red flags getting into a relationship, you will be beaten with every single one of those flags on the way out. ---
**Author:** ![sitchensis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sitchensis/32/4892_2.png) [@sitchensis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sitchensis)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2017, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-i-do-something-wrong-here-relationship-discourse-advice/779854/25 "2017-02-15T23:09:45Z")
I don’t have a lot deal breakers in relationships but the ultimate no go for me is going public with our personal shit. For good or bad, we are on the same team and it’s our team against the world. I don’t need to hear the opinion of your friend, or your mom, or some random dude. We may need to have a talk, or we may need to cool off for a bit and that’s fine. The moment you start recruiting other people to your side, we are no longer a team, we’re now against each other, and that’s when I walk. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [February 15, 2017, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-i-do-something-wrong-here-relationship-discourse-advice/779854/26 "2017-02-15T23:51:54Z")
Fat surgery, boob jobs, hair cut, hair dye… There is only one way to respond to these types of quarries, and it ain’t: “I’ll support whatever decision you make.” because, to her mind, that just translates to: “Yeah, I’d really like it if you did that, I just don’t have the balls to say so.” Not saying there is any truth to the above statement. She’s wrong for talking shit about you. But that sort of thing doesn’t bother me. I’m also used to other guys talking shit about me to my GF. They do it for obvious reasons. ---
**Author:** ![Uncommon\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Uncommon\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncommon_Sense)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2017, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-i-do-something-wrong-here-relationship-discourse-advice/779854/27 "2017-02-16T00:06:10Z")
> [@sitchensis](#): > > I don’t have a lot deal breakers in relationships but the ultimate no go for me is going public with our personal shit. For good or bad, we are on the same team and it’s our team against the world. I don’t need to hear the opinion of your friend, or your mom, or some random dude. We may need to have a talk, or we may need to cool off for a bit and that’s fine. The moment you start recruiting other people to your side, we are no longer a team, we’re now against each other, and that’s when I walk. Yup! Except run don’t walk. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2017, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-i-do-something-wrong-here-relationship-discourse-advice/779854/28 "2017-02-16T00:21:08Z")
> [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](#): > > This is someone that, if you stay, you’ll be walking on eggshells for the entire relationship.: the way you said something, didn’t say something, etc. Why would you want that? This is kind of the bottom line. That she would spin up an ex with this nonsense and then relate to you that he thinks you’re an “asshole” is industrial scale drama manufacturing. Weight aside she is creating a cage that she expects you to fight out of. Your real problem is not the weight issue, but that she will go to third parties to deliberately start drama. I know it’s almost a trope that the answer to practically any SDMB relationship question will be “Leave him/her now!” but in this case I don’t see a positive future with someone who pulls a stunt like this trope or not. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2017, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-i-do-something-wrong-here-relationship-discourse-advice/779854/29 "2017-02-16T00:22:10Z")
> [@Thudlow\_Boink](#): > > Interesting typo 🙂 I got distracted by the “nip this in the bud” comment. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5fc32e/32.png) [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bad_News_Baboon)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2017, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-i-do-something-wrong-here-relationship-discourse-advice/779854/30 "2017-02-16T01:38:22Z")
> [@CurtC](#): > > Yep, I agree with that. You (the OP) should talk to her and use wording like this: “If you feel like you need this surgery for _you_, I will be there for you. And don’t do it for _me_, because I like you the way you are.” > > She may be oversensitive, and she was out of line to tell Mr. Unknown to Me, but if you had used wording like this in the first place you probably wouldn’t be in this situation. If she’s sensitive about something, you should be able to work with that. We all have our flaws. On the other hand, if she’s psycho about it, DTMFA. Some people with serious insecurities will still analyze every last syllable and spin it to mean what ever amplifies said insecurities. I understand completely what it’s like to feel insecure. The OP shouldn’t have to be in a position that every sentence is carefully constructed to absolutely not offend. The relationship becomes three:him, her and her insecurities. If she is amazing and perfect in every way for him, it might have been worth it. If she’s not, who needs the hassle? ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2017, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-i-do-something-wrong-here-relationship-discourse-advice/779854/31 "2017-02-16T01:46:21Z")
Plenty of fish in the sea. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2017, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-i-do-something-wrong-here-relationship-discourse-advice/779854/32 "2017-02-16T02:58:26Z")
> [@Bad\_News\_Baboon](#): > > The relationship becomes three:him, her and her insecurities. _I Ching_ Hexagram 41: Decrease Six in the third place means; _When three people journey together, Their number decreases by one. When one man journeys alone, He finds a companion._ ---
**Author:** ![yellowjacketcoder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/4bbf92/32.png) [@yellowjacketcoder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowjacketcoder)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2017, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-i-do-something-wrong-here-relationship-discourse-advice/779854/33 "2017-02-16T04:05:18Z")
> [@astro](#): > > I know it’s almost a trope that the answer to practically any SDMB relationship question will be “Leave him/her now!” but in this case I don’t see a positive future with someone who pulls a stunt like this trope or not. It’s only a trope because by the time someone comes to an internet message board with a relationship problem, it’s because it’s so bad they are looking for validation that it’s ok to get out of it. Similarly, if you are coming here with a job problem, usually the answer is to get a new job; if you are unsure about a professional relationship (doctor, realtor, mechanic, etc) the answer is to find a new professional, etc. It’s not 100%, but it’s pretty common that if someone is to the point of asking internet strangers for help, the situation is bad. ---
**Author:** ![eclectic\_wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac91a4/32.png) [@eclectic\_wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eclectic_wench)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2017, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-i-do-something-wrong-here-relationship-discourse-advice/779854/34 "2017-02-16T12:30:15Z")
> [@Stuffy](#): > > we started joking about “butt surgery” or brazil or both. The details are vague sorry. Since I don’t know what you said (and you don’t know what you said), there’s no way for me to have a clue whether you did anything wrong. ‘Hey, you should go to Brazil for butt surgery, at least on the way home your ass would fit in one airplane seat!’ = not fine ‘Hey, I’ve always wanted to go to Brazil - if you decide you really want surgery, any chance you could do it there, so we can catch a carnival parade along the way?’ = fine Probably you should ask her what you said that bothered her, so that you can, you know, figure out whether you actually said anything wrong. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2017, 1:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-i-do-something-wrong-here-relationship-discourse-advice/779854/35 "2017-02-16T13:09:15Z")
Lavish extra attention on her the next holiday that comes up. Hey, February 28th is right around the corner! ---
**Author:** ![TruCelt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trucelt/32/523_2.png) [@TruCelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TruCelt)\ **Post date:** [February 16, 2017, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-i-do-something-wrong-here-relationship-discourse-advice/779854/36 "2017-02-16T14:18:34Z")
A lot of good guesses here, so I won’t repeat those. One possibility that hasn’t been raised: She may be hinting for financial help with the surgery she wants. It’s not unknown for men to pay for breast enhancements or bariatric surgery for a girlfriend. I’m not saying I think it’s healthy or even appropriate (except in cases where obesity is an immediate threat to health) but it IS done. And the sort of women who think their lives would be perfect if only their body were perfect are often the sort who are looking for men who’ll $upport that. And here’s my experience/advice. In friendships and love: There are normal insecurities, and even basically insecure people, and they can be great. But there is also malignant insecurity, and that is always miserable. If she is talking you down to others in order to fish compliments, she is malignantly insecure. You can’t fix that with surgery. Back away slowly. Please tell us more about your later talk with her? The curiosity is killing me! ---
**Author:** ![Weisshund](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/ba8739/32.png) [@Weisshund](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weisshund)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2017, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-i-do-something-wrong-here-relationship-discourse-advice/779854/37 "2017-02-17T03:15:49Z")
Me, i’d take the next exit sign on the left. In a way, it seems almost like she is trying to set you up or guilt you or something into paying for surgeries, also seems like she thinks surgery is the miracle fast track to perfection? And she sounds like a nutter. She is going to hate it when reality smacks her. Boob job before weight loss, yea that will look swell later i’m sure. Gastro surgery before changing your mindset, and eating habits and other things to make a conscious effort at change? Loosing proposition there. I’d wonder what else in life she has those philosophies about? Yea, i’d hang a left at the next exit. Mind you that’s just me, i can’t tell you the right answers about someone i know only from your text, so take it for what it’s worth. ---
**Author:** ![Chicken\_Fingers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Chicken\_Fingers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chicken_Fingers)\ **Post date:** [February 17, 2017, 4:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-i-do-something-wrong-here-relationship-discourse-advice/779854/38 "2017-02-17T04:39:28Z")
It’s one thing to be insecure and sensitive about your weight. To talk about it this much, and then to go off and drag another person into it and throw it all back at you is what as known as Crazy Town. Messed-up people triangulate like that, and you need to run away. You will regret sticking around. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-i-do-something-wrong-here-relationship-discourse-advice/779854.md?page=1)