# "Did panic grip your soul?" NY Times Reviews Guy \[Fieri\]'s American Kitchen
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986
**Category:** Cafe Society
**Created:** [November 14, 2012, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986 "2012-11-14T15:50:48Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 2
### Author:  [@Maserschmidt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maserschmidt)
#### Post date: [November 14, 2012, 11:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986/21 "2012-11-14T23:51:15Z")
> [@Colibri](#):
>
> I can’t resist watching the show. It’s like Food Porn.
Exactly, and that’s the sense in which we’re fans of DDD. Still, you have to enjoy a scathing review well-written.
---
### Author:  [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2012, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986/22 "2012-11-15T00:00:51Z")
> [@Ike\_Witt](#):
>
> Have you ever read a review for a restaurant and had your mouth start watering? This was not one of those occasions.
It may well be the first restaurant review that made my jaw drop. At this:
> [@](#):
>
> How did nachos, one of the hardest dishes in the American canon to mess up, turn out so deeply unlovable? **Why augment tortilla chips with fried lasagna noodles that taste like nothing except oil?**
Why indeed? Fried lasagna noodles in nachos? There’s poorly-made food, and then there’s insanity.
Also:
> [@](#):
>
> Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?
I…ugh.
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### Author:  [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2012, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986/23 "2012-11-15T00:16:50Z")
> [@Bosstone](#):
>
> I like Guy Fieri and I loved reading this.
>
> More specifically, I like Diners Drive-Ins and Dives. Fieri himself is kind of a douche outside the show.
He’s a douche inside the show.
Any man who will wear a platinum blond bleach job \*and \*a gelled, spiked do with frosted tips, \*and \*wear sunglasses indoors _and_ wear said sunglasses on the \*back \*of his head, \*and \*have that fake ass tan \*and \*those cliche tats \*and \*wear those bowling shirts that Charlie Sheen wears \*and \*rock a pinkie ring \*and \*wear those leather wrist band thingies \*and \*wear those 10 gage metal hoop earrings \*and \*have that awful goatee, of which he has dyed a blonde strip down the center is a douche in \*and \*out of Diners Drive-Ins and Dives.
Any of those things on their own is fine. A combination of some of those things are tolerable. All of those things together? Textbook Douche.
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### Author:  [@WolfpackJeep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WolfpackJeep)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2012, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986/24 "2012-11-15T00:24:43Z")
That was _awesome_.
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### Author:  [@Typo\_Negative](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Typo_Negative)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2012, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986/25 "2012-11-15T00:30:55Z")
> [@](#):
>
> Why did the toasted marshmallow taste like fish?
that, alone, made me a little queasy.
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### Author:  [@Covered\_In\_Bees](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covered_In_Bees)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2012, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986/26 "2012-11-15T00:38:59Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#):
>
> He’s a douche inside the show.
>
> Any man who will wear a platinum blond bleach job \*and \*a gelled, spiked do with frosted tips, \*and \*wear sunglasses indoors _and_ wear said sunglasses on the \*back \*of his head, \*and \*have that fake ass tan \*and \*those cliche tats \*and \*wear those bowling shirts that Charlie Sheen wears \*and \*rock a pinkie ring \*and \*wear those leather wrist band thingies \*and \*wear those 10 gage metal hoop earrings \*and \*have that awful goatee, of which he has dyed a blonde strip down the center is a douche in \*and \*out of Diners Drive-Ins and Dives.
>
> Any of those things on their own is fine. A combination of some of those things are tolerable. All of those things together? Textbook Douche.
No it’s more than textbook douchebag, he takes it up to 11.
A combination of most of those makes someone a textbook douche. Having literally every single one of those things, whole new ball game of douchiness.
Is there anything he’s missing? Seriously.
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### Author:  [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2012, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986/27 "2012-11-15T00:52:57Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#):
>
> Any of those things on their own is fine.
You’re being generous here.
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### Author:  [@joebuck20](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joebuck20)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2012, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986/28 "2012-11-15T01:20:25Z")
Man, this review is _ON POINT!!!_
Anyway, this bit made me laugh aloud:
> [@](#):
>
> Why is one of the few things on your menu that can be eaten without fear or regret — a lunch-only sandwich of chopped soy-glazed pork with coleslaw and cucumbers — called a Roasted Pork Bahn Mi, when it resembles that item about as much as you resemble Emily Dickinson?
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### Author:  [@Pork\_Rind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pork_Rind)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2012, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986/29 "2012-11-15T02:01:41Z")
[Huffington Post](http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/14/guy-fieri-times-square-skewered_n_2129152.html) has a slideshow of some of the best lines from other reviews of the same place. It doesn’t look like Wells is the only one to have gotten some licks in.
> [@](#):
>
> First up, the cocktail list, which is a glorious piece of white trash ephemera—a love letter to food coloring and sugar. I go for the El Azul Watermelon, a mix of Tequila Blanco, watermelon, pineapple, and blue curacao rimmed with shocking-pink sugar. It’s not so much a drink, as it is a cup of diabetes that tastes like a crackhead with a sweet tooth melted down blue raspberry Dum Dums, gum balls, and Sour Patch Kids and put it on ice.
> – Talia Baiocchi, Eater
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### Author:  [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2012, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986/30 "2012-11-15T02:50:51Z")
I found most of that review over-the-top.
But this did seem relevant:
> [@](#):
>
> When you cruise around the country for your show “Diners, Drive-Ins and Dives,” rasping out slangy odes to the unfancy places where Americans like to get down and greasy, do you really mean it?
>
> Or is it all an act? Is that why the kind of cooking you celebrate on television is treated with so little respect at Guy’s American Kitchen & Bar?
Fieri goes around and finds places that serve food that’s awesome without being pretentious. That’s the combination he should be aiming for in his own restaurants.
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### Author:  [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2012, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986/31 "2012-11-15T03:07:51Z")
The vast majority of that review was perfectly fine. There was some hyperbole scattered around (“touch the void”, “panic grip your soul”) but there were a ton of serious issues raised, and just because they were dressed up with some funny language does not mean it wasn’t a serious review or something to be dismissed.
After the first two paragraphs, the review points out:
- missing ingredient
- two food items described as large in some fashion (“boulder” and “big”) that were actually small
- greasy dish that lacked the flavors mentioned on the menu
- good sandwich with deeply inaccurate menu description
- soup never arrived
- cocktail with chemical off-tastes
- untrained/subpar waitstaff (plate clearing, not helping to find a party already seated)
- unseasoned dishes that were advertised as spicy
- nachos containing fried lasagna noodles and cold meat
- wrong beverage
- sugary sauce on meatloaf
- bland rice dish
- vegetables in one dish a mix of very overcooked and nearly raw
- cold, soggy French fries
- improperly made “donkey sauce”
- collapsed Baked Alaska
- marshmallow tasting like fish
- fries never arrived
I mean, damn, if just a **few** of those things happened at a restaurant I doubt I’d be motivated to ever return. I stopped going to a nearby Italian restaurant after the first trip had an insanely slow kitchen and the second trip managed to produce a tomato-based pasta sauce that somehow had **no** flavor. (I even had my husband taste it. We were amazed at the utter lack of any flavor, even of tomatoes. Pretty much all we could taste was the chopped raw parsley sprinkled over top.)
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### Author:  [@voltaire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voltaire)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2012, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986/32 "2012-11-15T04:22:13Z")
A few zingers about Fieri from Anthony Bourdain’s roast (Bourdain’s most relevant comment in bold):
> [@](#):
>
> **On Guy Fieri:**
> [ul]
> [li]“What can you say about Guy’s cooking that hasn’t been printed on a packet of cigarettes?” -Willie Geist[/li][li]“Guy Fieri’s hair is the front lawn to hell.” -Willie Geist[/li][li]“In case you’re wondering why Guy Fieri is here, he won a contest.” -Mario Batali[/li][li]“I think he wears his sunglasses backwards so he doesn’t get punched in the face.” -Bonnie McFarlane[/li][li]“You look like a diabetic strip club owner.” -Jim Norton[/li][li]“His ancestors come from the part of Italy that has never been exposed to food.” -Mario Batali[/li][li]“Why the f\*ck did you invite me?” -Guy Fieri[/li][li]“You’ve got balls inviting me here.” -Guy Fieri[/li][li] **“You dropped a 500-seat deuce on Times Square.” -Anthony Bourdain** [/li][li]“When do you stop to de-douche?” -Anthony Bourdain[/li][/ul]
> **[Anthony Bourdain Gets Roasted](https://www.huffpost.com/entry/anthony-bourdain-roast_n_1960092)**
>
> Anthony Bourdain Gets Roasted
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### Author:  [@gwendee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gwendee)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2012, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986/33 "2012-11-15T06:46:57Z")
My sister works a couple of blocks from there. She forwarded me the review and said she wouldn’t have eaten there before the review but she will walk over and take a look.
Now I really want nachos. Good ones.
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### Author:  [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2012, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986/34 "2012-11-15T06:53:27Z")
> [@Gyrate](#):
>
> It may well be the first restaurant review that made my jaw drop. At this: Why indeed? Fried lasagna noodles in nachos? There’s poorly-made food, and then there’s insanity.
As a guy who loves his nachos, I would like to add that it is perfectly possible (and not uncommon) for restaurants to fuck up nachos. The lasagna crisps or whatever sounds pretty bad, but I’ve had worse.
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### Author:  [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2012, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986/35 "2012-11-15T07:21:40Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#):
>
> Any of those things on their own is fine. A combination of some of those things are tolerable. All of those things together? Textbook Douche.
Put that way, conceded wholeheartedly.
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### Author:  [@stuyguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stuyguy)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2012, 1:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986/36 "2012-11-15T13:53:17Z")
FYI, Brian Williams and the producers at NBC Nightly News thought the review (which I believe ran on the Times’ front page!) was so snarkily outstanding that they included a mention of it on last night’s telecast.
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### Author:  [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2012, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986/37 "2012-11-15T13:56:15Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#):
>
> He’s a douche inside the show.
>
> Any man who will wear a platinum blond bleach job \*and \*a gelled, spiked do with frosted tips, \*and \*wear sunglasses indoors _and_ wear said sunglasses on the \*back \*of his head, \*and \*have that fake ass tan \*and \*those cliche tats \*and \*wear those bowling shirts that Charlie Sheen wears \*and \*rock a pinkie ring \*and \*wear those leather wrist band thingies \*and \*wear those 10 gage metal hoop earrings \*and \*have that awful goatee, of which he has dyed a blonde strip down the center is a douche in \*and \*out of Diners Drive-Ins and Dives.
>
> Any of those things on their own is fine. A combination of some of those things are tolerable. All of those things together? Textbook Douche.
I also read somewhere that he treats the owners and staff of those places like shit, making unreasonable demands and generally acting like an asshole. I looked up the Yelp reviews on his other restaurants around the country and there are a lot of complaints. His places seem to average 2.5-3 stars (out of five), which means a lot of one- and two-star reviews. Sounds to me like he has it coming.
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### Author:  [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2012, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986/38 "2012-11-15T14:02:17Z")
I still like this review of the place better:
**The Crispy Crimes of Guy Fieri: Junk Food T.V. Star Takes Times Square**
> **[The Crispy Crimes of Guy Fieri: Junk Food T.V. Star Takes Times Square](https://observer.com/2012/10/the-crispy-crimes-of-guy-fieri/)**
>
> Mr. Fieri not only serves truly horrible-tasting food, an awkward origami of clashing aleatory flavors, but he serves this punishing food emulsified with a bombastic recasting of deep-fried America…
> [@](#):
>
> You are led by a cheery hostess—everyone who works at Guy’s American is very nice—past giant television screens showing an endless loop of Mr. Fieri opening his goatee-framed sphincter-mouth to welcome a panoply of fried matter, to a table or a booth built of such proportions that your feet dangle and you are infantilized by the scale. Immediately you will meet a tall dark stranger, and he will say to you, “Hey guys!”—a brilliant piece of linguistic co-branding. He will smile and you will order a drink that costs $15. This drink may be a Manhattan, which is surprisingly okay, or a spicy margarita, which is goonishly spicy and not okay at all.
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### Author:  [@Labrador\_Deceiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Labrador_Deceiver)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2012, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986/39 "2012-11-15T14:13:40Z")
> [@Chefguy](#):
>
> I also read somewhere that he treats the owners and staff of those places like shit, making unreasonable demands and generally acting like an asshole. I looked up the Yelp reviews on his other restaurants around the country and there are a lot of complaints. His places seem to average 2.5-3 stars (out of five), which means a lot of one- and two-star reviews. Sounds to me like he has it coming.
As much as I can’t stand the guy, I’d be blown away if he darkens the door of any one restaurant more than twice a year.
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### Author:  [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)
#### Post date: [November 15, 2012, 2:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/did-panic-grip-your-soul-ny-times-reviews-guy-fieri-s-american-kitchen/640986/40 "2012-11-15T14:31:29Z")
Am I the only one who automatically dismisses overly snarky reviews? When a reviewer seems more in love with his words than food I lose all respect for their opinion. Its not about you.
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