Right, I was mostly just trying to head off any more well-meaning “Report this post” e-mails.
Did you know I can wiggle my eyebrows independently of each other? Amazing 
But seriously, the best way to convince or convert anyone is by example - not by repeating someone else’s words. Just invoking Hell isn’t going to cut it.
Good News!
Dear Sir or Madam,
Do you know how simple it is to be spared when Cthulu rises?
Some people believe that belonging to a local church, temple, mosque synagogue, or Esoteric Order of Dagon will save them.
Others believe that water baptism, obeying the ten commandments, just being a good person, or carrying a star stone of M’nar will save them.
There are many other beliefs as well, but the good news about Cthulu is found in the Necronomicon.
The good news is that Cthulu came from the outermost darkness between the stars to earth millenia ago and ruled as dark emperor. He was born in the howling chaos at edges of the universe. He ruled the seas as a god until he was banished by the Elder Gods. Then he was placed in his tomb at R’lyeh. The Necronomicon also tells us that he shall return. When the stars are right, Cthulu shall ascend from his tomb and that all the sons of man shall know death, sorrow, sickness and pain.
The Necronomicon says, “That which sleeps may eternal lie. But, with strange eons, even death may die” (Page 25, stanza IV)
This verse in the Necronomicon says, “The Great Old Ones were. The Great Old Ones are. The Great Old Ones will yet be” (Page 1, verse 1)
This verse says, “But Cthulu cares no more for the race of man than a mountain cares for a gnat” (The Eltdown Shards, fragment 7a)
In this passage the Necronomicon clearly explains how to be saved and live in glory on earth, “For if you drop the calling stone into the sea and cry “Ia! Ia! Cthulu ftaghn! Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh wgah’nagl fhtagn! Ia! Ia!” and believe in your heart that the the children of Dagon shall come, you will be rewarded” (Necronomicon, page 125, paragraph 2)
BUT,
You can NOT be saved. The kingdom of Cthulu is not for the sons of man. The Great Old Ones will not hear your prayers.
Hail Yog Sothoth!. I want to pass through the fire, the flood, and the shadow and share in the coming glory. I tell you that I am thy son. I believe that mankind is nothing and less than nothing, and want to destroy them. I believe that You are the gate and the key to the gate. I believe that You are coterminous with all of space and time. Please forgive the taint of humanity in me and come into my heart and make me thy true son and servitor. Thank You Yog Sothoth for transforming me and saving me through remaking me in Thy shape. Amen.
BUT, You are but a human. If you said the, my Father would laugh at you. You are not welcome in the family of Great Old Ones.
Salvation is not a reward but a gift. The Necronomicon says it this way, “For it is by BlOOD you have been SAVED, through FAITH. This not from yourselves, it is the GIFT of birth. Thou are born a child of dark and ancient gods” (Pnakotic Manuscript. Chapter 2)
Nothing in this world is more important than your eternal destiny.
The Necronomicon says, “In Him(Father Dagon) we have revenge through His blood, the destruction of man…” (Page 57, stanza II)
If you are not born of the line of the Great Old Ones. It is too late. It is true that none know exactly when your world will die. You may die when Cthulu’s coming warps your mind, when you are devoured alive by Deep Ones, when you take your own life to escape the horror, or in some other way. But, you will not be saved.
The Necronomicon tells us that we, the children of the Ancient Ones, will spend eternity in glory. But, to the children of man the world will be Hell. It would be better for you to to die, than to live and see the Hell will we make of earth. The Ancient Ones will never accept you as child and save you.
Some people that have already made Nyarlehotep their Lord and worry about losing their salvation. The Eltdown shards teache that we can never lose our salvation, as long as we offer up human sacrifice.
The Necronomicon says it this way, “My dear children, I write this to you so that you will kill. But if anybody does not, none shall speak to Father Dagon in their defense. They shall be devoured by Mother Hydra, the Ravenous One.” (Page 48, paragraph 6)
Yes my friend, no one is able to save you and you will not be saved!
Please tell your friends and family the good news, Thanks!
Have a good day!
Heirophant of Yog Sothoth, Dahc Kaath’ Od
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http://www.dagonbytes.com/thelibrary/lovecraft/ << Free stories! (click link)
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http://images.google.com/images?q=cthulhu&svnum=10&hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&start=220&sa=N << Beautiful Graphics (click link)
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http://home.pacifier.com/~dkossy/kooksmus.html#lobby << Groups To Avoid (click link)
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http://www.eaudrey.com/myth/alphabetical_index.htm << Is Hell Real? (click link)
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http://www.livejournal.com/users/doc_cathode/ << Lunatic or dark prophet? (click link)
[/QUOTE]
I’m saying everyone gets saved.
What’s your take on it?
There’s a very good reason the visit was so short.
“For the Deep Ones, the children of Father Dagon and Mother Hydra, dwell in the dark waters. They build strange cities of stone and swim amid gardens of leprous coral. These places are not for men.”
(Necronomicon page 24, paragraph 1)
What is this – tag team evangelism from Campus Crusade for Cthulhu?
Why bother trying to keep us from sinning if we all have?
Also, I’m confused. Do I get into heaven by reciting the prayer in your post, or by actually believing what it says? If all I have to do is say it, that seems unfair. I could commit unspeakable atrocities of all kinds, then read those few lines out loud and be 100% saved. People who devoted their lives to charity and kindness would feel that Heaven was no longer very special, it seems to me. If, however, the determining factor is an actual belief that Jesus is the son of God (and therefore belief in God) then it’s unfair in the opposite sense. Belief isn’t really a choice. I haven’t chosen not to believe in God; I simply can’t bring myself to do it, having seen no evidence at all for God. Don’t you think God should provide someone like me at least a small chance of salvation?
I’ve heard of His “mysterious ways,” but perhaps God could write up some kind of qualifying exam? That stands at least a chance of being fair, in my opinion.
AmazingGrace, you may feel that the members of the SDMB are trying to rip you apart. I won’t speak for us all, but I (and, I would think, most of us) are just trying to rip your theories and beliefs apart by finding contradictions, faulty logic, statements without any supporting evidence, etc. Not you, but what you’re saying. In other words, don’t take it personally. Since your OP (original post) you haven’t come back at all. If you have any kind of response to my post or anyone else’s, I would love to hear it.
Polycarp is right on with the necessity of meeting the unsaved in a one on one relationship so that he knows and understands that you are his friend.
Internet Evangelist M. L. Gossi: I’m afraid that you make the universal error of so many of the televangelists of preaching/teaching a simplistic approach to salvation, i.e. pray a simple prayer of acceptance of Jesus as the Christ. Having done that the ‘convert’ assumes he has his ticket punched and he’s done all that is necessary to go to heaven. To the contrary true Christianity is far more demanding of followers of Christ. Read your bible and let God speak to you through the written word, rather than filtering, picking and choosing your proclamation. I have yet to find the prayer you presented above or anything like it or instructons for its use any where in the O.T. or the N.T.
Explain the verse I posted.
Woohoo! FREE RIDE! Pass me a hooker!
You do have to remember that there are levels in heaven.
Someone has to clean the toilets.
Gee, well I disagree with the ‘faith alone’ idea.
“What good is it, my brothers, if a man claims to have faith but has no deeds? Can such faith save him? Suppose a brother or sister is without clothes and daily food. If one of you says to him, ‘Go, I wish you well; keep warm and well fed,’ but does nothing about his physical needs, what good is it? In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” James 2:11-17
I think James was on the right track. I can also play the find-the-pulled-out-of-context-Bible-quote-to-back-up-one’s-position game pretty well, too. It’s disrespectful of an inspired but flawed collection of paper, but whatever, apparently you don’t seem to think so.
I won’t write more, since I see that really Polycarp gets it across better. Amazing Grace, I have nothing against evangelism, but this isn’t really the best way to go about it.
lol
Thanks Dahc Kaath’ Od - that made my day 
AmazingGrace - believing that Jesus is lord may make you feel better, but you will only make the world a better place by acting on Jesus teachings. Your article strikes me as being very selfish.
If you question one verse don’t you have to question them all?
Excerpt from a sermon, referencing St. Francis of Assisi, preached by the Rev. John Allen at All Saints Episcopal Church, Palo Alto, CA, October 3, 2004:
Folks still poop in heaven? Holy shit!
Of course. What do you think it is up there, Star Trek?
I note that the Freemasons were left off the list. Somehow, I feel, neglected.
Don’t feel bad, I can put on my tinfoil hat and dig up some Masons-worship-the-devil sites for you, if you like.
– Poly (proud grandson of a Freemason, if you were wondering)