# Dirty Limericks **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [March 21, 2000, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125 "2000-03-21T01:52:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![RoboDude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bbe5ce/32.png) [@RoboDude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RoboDude)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125/1 "2000-03-21T01:52:00Z")
Does anyone know of any web pages with tasteless limericks? I haven’t heard many, and I feel deprived. * * * Life is a tragedy for those who feel and a comedy for those who think. ---
**Author:** ![SingleDad](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9e8a1a/32.png) [@SingleDad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SingleDad)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125/2 "2000-03-21T05:44:00Z")
No links but a couple of good books: “Asimov Laughs Again: More Than 700 Favorite Jokes, Limericks, and Anecdotes”, Isaac Asimov, ISBN: 0060924489. “Limericks: Too Gross/or Two Dozen Dirty Dozen Stanzas”, Isaac Asmov, ISBN: 0393045307. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125/3 "2000-03-21T06:07:00Z")
Quoted from, _The Limerick_, edited by G. Legman: Nyphomaniacal Alice Used a dynamite stick for a phallus. They found her vagina In North Carolina, And her asshole in Buckingham Palace. There was a young man of Bombay Who fashioned a cunt out of clay, But the heat of his prick Turned it into a brick, And chafed all his foreskin away. ## 1700 of them. A woman needs four animals in her life: A mink in the closet, a Jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bedroom, and an ass to pay for it all. —Zsa Zsa Gabor ---
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125/4 "2000-03-21T17:04:00Z")
My favorite, naturaly: ## There was a young man named Dave Who kept a dead whore in a cave, She smelled just like shit, And was missing a tit, But think of the money he’ll save! Cecil said it. I believe it. That settles it. ---
**Author:** ![Vestal\_Blue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/5e9695/32.png) [@Vestal\_Blue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vestal_Blue)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 5:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125/5 "2000-03-21T17:16:00Z")
Dave, you sick puppy. There was a young man from Kent, Whos’ dick was so long that it bent. So to save himself trouble, He put it in double, And instead of coming, he went. There was a plumber named lee, who was plumbing a girl by the sea. she said “stop your plumbing, there’s somebody coming”. Said the plumber still plumbing “it’s me!” * * * VB Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 5:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125/6 "2000-03-21T17:32:00Z")
All right, How many dirty versions of this limerick do you know? This is the clean version: There once was a man from Nantucket, Who kept all his cash in a bucket. His daughter named Nan, Ran off with a man. And as for the bucket they took it. ---
**Author:** ![ThisYearsGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/73ab20/32.png) [@ThisYearsGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThisYearsGirl)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125/7 "2000-03-21T20:38:00Z")
There once was a man from Nantucket with a dick so long he could suck it. He said with a grin, as he wiped off his chin, “If my ear was a pussy, I’d fuck it!” ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125/8 "2000-03-21T21:39:00Z")
One of my favorites: There was a young couple named Kelly Who lived their lives belly to belly Because in their haste They used library paste Instead of petroleum jelly. You see, the limerick is furtive and mean. You must keep her in close quarantine, else she sinks to the slums and promptly becomes disorderly, drunk, and obscene. ---
**Author:** ![JBENZ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b77776/32.png) [@JBENZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JBENZ)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125/9 "2000-03-21T21:47:00Z")
The modern cinematic emporium, Is not just a simple sensorium, But a highly effectual, heterosexual, Mutual masturbatorium. (Published in Playboy shortly after the last Ice Age.) * * * JB Lex Non Favet Delicatorum Votis ---
**Author:** ![Biggirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/biggirl/32/3294_2.png) [@Biggirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biggirl)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125/10 "2000-03-21T21:49:00Z")
There once was a boy from Alas Whose balls were constructed of brass When he clanked them together They played Stormy Weather And lightning came out of his ass * * * Teacher, my red crayon tastes funny – Ralph Wiggum ---
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125/11 "2000-03-21T22:09:00Z")
Here’s a sample from this"][http://loogy.com/mainhumor/dirty/dlimericks.shtml](http://loogy.com/mainhumor/dirty/dlimericks.shtml)]this page. The naughty old bishop of Birmingham buggered two boys whilst confirming 'em as the knelt before god he pulled out his rod and pumped his Episcopal sperm in 'em. Here’s another page with alphabetical links to [hundreds](http://bruichladdich.dcs.st-and.ac.uk/OldLimericksDir/Limericks.html) of limericks. Here’s the homepage to the (yes, this is true) limerick special interest group of MENSA."][http://www.limericks.org/pentatette/reply.html](http://www.limericks.org/pentatette/reply.html)]MENSA. ---
**Author:** ![UncleBeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/977dab/32.png) [@UncleBeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UncleBeer)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125/12 "2000-03-21T22:11:00Z")
UBB foils me again. And the damned flood control. ---
**Author:** ![Shagrath\_Borgir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/46a35a/32.png) [@Shagrath\_Borgir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagrath_Borgir)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125/13 "2000-03-21T22:23:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by Green Bean: > \*\*All right, How many dirty versions of this limerick do you know? This is the clean version: > > There once was a man from Nantucket, > Who kept all his cash in a bucket. > His daughter named Nan, > Ran off with a man. > And as for the bucket they took it.\*\* There once was a man from Nantucket, Who’s dick was so long he could suck it, He ran down the street, Dragging his meat, He carried his balls a in bucket There you go 😃 * * * “…the dark side of the mirror always threw our malice back…” ---
**Author:** ![Shagrath\_Borgir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/46a35a/32.png) [@Shagrath\_Borgir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagrath_Borgir)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125/14 "2000-03-21T22:26:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Originally posted by weirddave: > \*\*There was a young man named Dave > Who kept a dead whore in a cave, > She smelled just like shit, > And was missing a tit, > But think of the money he’ll save! > \*\* This is the funniest damn thing i’ve heard in a long time! Now if you’ll excuse me, i’ve got some answering machines to leave this little gem on… 😉 * * * “…the dark side of the mirror always threw our malice back…” ---
**Author:** ![Weirddave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/919ad9/32.png) [@Weirddave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Weirddave)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125/15 "2000-03-21T23:12:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Dave, you sick puppy. Why, thank you, VB. 🙂 If you think that’s bad, how about this gem? There was a young man from Rangoon, Who was born nine months too soon. He had not the luck, To be born of a fuck, He was scraped off the sheets with a spoon. * * * Cecil said it. I believe it. That settles it. ---
**Author:** ![Buck\_Naked](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Buck\_Naked](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Buck_Naked)\ **Post date:** [March 21, 2000, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125/16 "2000-03-21T23:49:00Z")
There once was a lady named Dot Who lived off of pig shit and snot When she ran out of these She ate the green cheese That she grew on the sides of her twat The nastiest by far!!! * * * I feel more like I do now than I did when I got here. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Angel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d26b3c/32.png) [@Johnny\_Angel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Angel)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2000, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125/17 "2000-03-22T00:05:00Z")
An amorous sailor of Brighton Said to his girl, “You’re a tight one!” She said, “'pon my soul, You’re in the wrong hole, And there’s plenty of room in the right one!” ---
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2000, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125/18 "2000-03-22T00:36:00Z")
There once was a lass from Madras Who had a magnificent ass. It was not what you think, Soft and rounded and pink, But was gray, had long ears, and ate grass. Dr. J * * * “Seriously, baby, I can prescribe anything I want!” -Dr. Nick Riviera ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2000, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125/19 "2000-03-22T01:21:00Z")
Not dirty, but I know this crowd’ll appreciate it: A dozen, a gross, and a score, Plus three times the square root of four, Divided by seven, Plus five times eleven, Is nine squared plus zero, no more. ---
**Author:** ![Boris\_B](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/fbc32d/32.png) [@Boris\_B](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boris_B)\ **Post date:** [March 22, 2000, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125/20 "2000-03-22T01:23:00Z")
Help me out with the one I can never remember, from the movie The Magic Christian: There was a young lady from Exeter And all the young men threw their sex at her and then “nude” is rhymed with “rude”. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-limericks/15125.md?page=2)