# Dirty Shakespeare **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [November 9, 2003, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168 "2003-11-09T02:55:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Freiheit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e8c25b/32.png) [@Freiheit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freiheit)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168/1 "2003-11-09T02:55:04Z")
I’ve read a couple shakespeare plays in school, and found them mildly interesting. But something I found **really** interesting were a couple dirty puns I saw. At first, I figured that stuff must just _sound_ dirty. But then I stumbled on a web page that said that mr. S did stuff like that all the time, and my textbooks were probably heavily edited. So, guys, I (and, I’m sure, lots of others) would like to hear quotes of dirty jokes found in shakespeare’s works. ---
**Author:** ![Katisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bcef8e/32.png) [@Katisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katisha)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168/2 "2003-11-09T03:03:14Z")
There are too many bawdy puns in Shakespeare to cover them exhaustively here, but my rule of thumb is that if you think something in Shakespeare is dirty, it very likely _is_. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Forbin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5e9695/32.png) [@Forbin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Forbin)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168/3 "2003-11-09T03:10:56Z")
Get a copy of The Decameron. It isn’t Shakespeare, but it’s ribald. ---
**Author:** ![Lola](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@Lola](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lola)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168/4 "2003-11-09T03:38:44Z")
"That I were a poperin pear And thou an open-arse.’ (Romeo and Juliet, almost certainly misquoted) Isn’t it Othello that mentions “the beast with two backs”? ---
**Author:** ![jackelope](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a6a055/32.png) [@jackelope](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jackelope)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 3:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168/5 "2003-11-09T03:52:45Z")
Right play, wrong character, **Lola** ; Iago tells, uh, someone that, uh, someone else and, uh, a third person are making the beat with two backs. All right, I’ll go look it up… [Here:](http://etext.virginia.edu/etcbin/ot2www-globeshake?specfile=/texts/english/shakespeare/globeshake/shawork.o2w&act=text&offset=4765762&textreg=2&query=beast) BRABANTIO What profane wretch art thou? IAGO I am one, sir, that comes to tell you your daughter and the Moor are now making the beast with two backs. ---
**Author:** ![Caesar\_s\_Ghost](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/73ab20/32.png) [@Caesar\_s\_Ghost](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caesar_s_Ghost)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168/6 "2003-11-09T04:53:57Z")
The book _An Underground Education_ by Richard Zacks has a section on this. Some examples: > [@](#): > > Iras: Am I not an inch of fortune better than she? > > Charmain: Well, if you were but an inch of fortune better than I, where would you choose it? > > Iras: Not in my husband’s nose. –_Antony & Cleopatra_ > [@](#): > > Bawd: Crack the glass of her virginity, and make the rest malleable. –_Pericles_ > [@](#): > > Malvolio: By my life, this is my lady’s hand. These be her very C’s, her U’s, and her T’s; and thus she makes her great P’s. It is, in contempt of question, her hand. –_Twelfth Night_ ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_Bravo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_bravo/32/493_2.png) [@Johnny\_Bravo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_Bravo)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168/7 "2003-11-09T05:05:11Z")
Wow. I was seriously just going to start this thread. Here’s my current favorite. Petrucio: Who knows not where a wasp does wear his sting? In his tail. Katherine: In his tongue. Pet: Whose tongue? Kate: Yours, if you talk of tails; and so farewell. Pet: What, with my tongue in your tail? –_Taming of the Shrew_ ---
**Author:** ![wolf\_meister](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolf_meister/32/15202_2.png) [@wolf\_meister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolf_meister)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 6:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168/8 "2003-11-09T06:56:46Z")
HAMLET Lady, shall I lie in your lap? (Lying down at OPHELIA’s feet) OPHELIA No, my lord. HAMLET I mean, my head upon your lap? OPHELIA Ay, my lord. HAMLET Do you think I meant country matters? OPHELIA I think nothing, my lord. HAMLET That’s a fair thought to lie between maids’ legs. There are obvious sexual references in those lines but go to this site (Item 12) to read about Hamlet’s reference to “country matters”: [http://navisite.collegeclub.com/servlet/novelnotes.QuotesServlet?note=hamlet](http://navisite.collegeclub.com/servlet/novelnotes.QuotesServlet?note=hamlet) good topic **freiheit** ---
**Author:** ![xejkh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/22d042/32.png) [@xejkh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xejkh)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168/9 "2003-11-09T14:32:59Z")
V.ii OTHELLO … Who can control his fate? 'tis not so now. Be not afraid, though you do see me weapon’d; Here is my journey’s end, here is my **butt** … I can just imagine Othello, waving his dagger, and pointing to his rear-end. Hamlet, II.ii HAMLET My excellent good friends! How dost thou, Guildenstern? Ah, Rosencrantz! Good lads, how do ye both? ROSENCRANTZ As the indifferent children of the earth. GUILDENSTERN Happy, in that we are not over-happy; On fortune’s cap we are not the very button. HAMLET Nor the soles of her shoe? ROSENCRANTZ Neither, my lord. HAMLET Then you live about her waist, or in the middle of her favours? GUILDENSTERN 'Faith, her privates we. HAMLET In the secret parts of fortune? O, most true; she is a strumpet. What’s the news? A little joke on Lady Luck. ---
**Author:** ![epraz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/82dd89/32.png) [@epraz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/epraz)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168/10 "2003-11-09T15:41:08Z")
JULIUS CAESAR: “Come on my right hand” ---
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168/11 "2003-11-09T15:48:25Z")
My favorite, from _Titus Andronicus_ Chiron: Thou hast undone our mother. Aaron: Villain, I have done thy mother. And it means exactly what it sounds like. ---
**Author:** ![Freiheit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e8c25b/32.png) [@Freiheit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freiheit)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168/12 "2003-11-09T16:44:23Z")
Great stuff, guys. Thanks for responding. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Babbington](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Mr.Babbington](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Babbington)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168/13 "2003-11-09T16:49:11Z")
I went to a production of “As You Like It” when I was in high school. There were run-ons between scenes, with crazy hijinks. One sticks out in my mind. Phoebe: Thou hast not the measure for pleasure. Silvius: (running after her, his breeches at his ankles) IM YOUNG!!! I’LL GROW!!! ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168/14 "2003-11-09T18:10:14Z")
Of course, there’s the famous “Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some have greatness thrust upon them”, from _Twelfth Night_. And there’s a lot of them in _Measure for Measure_, too. Upon being informed that one of the main characters is in jail, “Why? What has he done?” “A woman.”. Of course Shakespeare intended all of these. Why did you think that he’s stayed so popular over all the centuries? ---
**Author:** ![Krisfer\_the\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Krisfer\_the\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Krisfer_the_Cat)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168/15 "2003-11-09T20:01:18Z")
The old man in _Taming of the Shrew_ : My cake is dough on both sides. 😃 Touchstone in _As You Like It_ is quite the naughty boy. Just listen to the things he says! Unfortunately, in one of my moves my copy has gotten lost of buried:( ---
**Author:** ![Katisha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bcef8e/32.png) [@Katisha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katisha)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168/16 "2003-11-09T20:46:39Z")
I rather like this exchange from _Much Ado About Nothing_: DON PEDRO: You have put him down, lady, you have put him down. BEATRICE: So I would not he should do me, lest I should prove the mother of fools. Mercutio in _Romeo and Juliet_ is pretty much the champion at this sort of thing. A sample: MERCUTIO: Thou desirest me to stop in my tale against the hair. BENVOLIO: Thou wouldst else have made thy tale large. MERCUTIO: O, thou art deceived; I would have made it short: for I was come to the whole depth of my tale, and meant indeed to occupy the argument no longer. And there’s this unfortunate innuendo from _Henry V_: “Pistol’s cock is up, and flashing fire will follow!” Well, I suppose when your _name_ is a phallic symbol, you can’t help but talk dirty… 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168/17 "2003-11-09T21:11:20Z")
Damn, I gotta go dig out my old Shakespeare textbook from the attic! I do remember in the first part of _Henry IV_, when the French send the King tennis balls, and our professor was asking us about what the message was. We were trying to guess, and I thought they were saying that the English didn’t have the balls to do anything. But I was wrong, dammit. ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168/18 "2003-11-09T21:31:20Z")
Twelfth Night, II.v. > [@](#): > > MALVOLIO > By my life, this is my lady’s hand - these be her very C’s, her U’s and her T’s, and thus makes she her great P’s. I’ll edit it a bit to make it clearer: “these be her very C’s, her U’s, ‘n’ her T’s”. Also see “Shakespeare’s Bawdy” by Eric Partridge for much more. ---
**Author:** ![Potter](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Potter](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Potter)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168/19 "2003-11-09T21:36:42Z")
The puntastic Sonnet 135, keeping in mind that “Will” could stand for the writer’s name, ‘will’ as a noun (inclination or disposition), a lady’s rudie bits, or a gentleman’s rudie bits: > [@](#): > > Whoever hath her wish, thou hast thy will, > And ‘Will’ to boot, and ‘Will’ in over-plus, > More than enough am I that vex thee still, > To thy sweet will making addition thus. > Wilt thou whose will is large and spacious, > Not once vouchsafe to hide my will in thine? > Shall will in others seem right gracious, > And in my will no fair acceptance shine? > The sea all water, yet receives rain still, > And in abundance addeth to his store, > So thou being rich in will add to thy will > One will of mine to make thy large will more. > Let no unkind, no fair beseechers kill, > Think all but one, and me in that one ‘Will.’ ---
**Author:** ![bonzer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/45deac/32.png) [@bonzer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bonzer)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2003, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168/20 "2003-11-09T23:18:49Z")
Shakespeare was notorious enough for being indecent in places that he indirectly gave rise to the, now possibly slightly archaic, term “to bowdlerize”. Thomas Bowdler (1754-1825) having edited out the rude bits, or rather “whatever is unfit to be read aloud by a gentleman to a company of ladies”, to produce _The Family Shakespeare_ in 1818. It’s sufficiently famous as a case of 19th century prudishness that I’d hope that textbook editors these days would be wary of following his example. The _Cambridge Companion to Literature in English_’s entry on him notes that he did the same with Gibbon. He’d at least put the very rude bits in Latin in the first place. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/dirty-shakespeare/212168.md?page=2)