# Disabled Don't Want Pity, But Why? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 5, 2010, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714 "2010-01-05T03:19:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![ivan\_astikov](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/58f4c7/32.png) [@ivan\_astikov](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivan_astikov)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2010, 3:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/41 "2010-01-09T15:46:32Z")
Objectionable, maybe, but isn’t everything these days. ---
**Author:** ![dre2xl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/34f0e0/32.png) [@dre2xl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dre2xl)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2010, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/42 "2010-01-09T16:16:06Z")
I’ll just give my clearest cut personal anecdote regarding pity vs sympathy. My husband-to-be once invited me out to his college fraternity event. The college fraternity was very special, we were dating but not for long, and I was desperate to make a good impression for him. I was feeling very shy and self-conscious, viewing my deafness as two strikes against my “worthiness” as a girlfriend to him (my husband was a big man in his fraternity and is just very accomplished overall), and having the stereotypical deaf accent did not help matters. He asked me to attend the “wives dinner” – where I’d go by myself with a bunch of women to dinner – and generally for an unmarried person to be invited, that meant that the couple were very serious. It was the first move my husband-to-be had made about being “serious”, and I was nearly passing out in panic/anxiety when that happened. Of course that didn’t help my speech at all. There were about 20 women attending. Then the women, one by one, stood up and introduced themselves, and I had the “knee shakes” at that point. My turn came, I introduced myself, and I’m sure my speech was TERRIBLE from all that anxiety. After I introduced myself, the room broke out in applause that wasn’t done for anyone else. I basically heard “you really screwed up your speech in a way that none of us can understand, and your husband is such a special person for dating someone so special.” I broke down and ran to the bathroom crying out of sheer shame. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [January 9, 2010, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/43 "2010-01-09T16:18:45Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Yes, but they don’t tend to do it the other way. People don’t fake looking unhappy. And the unhappy ones are the ones you’re more likely to feel sorry for. But lots of people don’t smile out in public for no reason, either. I know plenty of people who have been told they look unhappy (so cheer up! or what’s wrong?), when in fact they were just not doing anything. Americans in particular seem to expect cheerfulness in public; contrast this with Russians, who are famously stern-looking in public and very warm in private. Drop a perfectly happy Russian into Des Moines and people will probably assume she is unhappy. If you see what I mean. ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2010, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/44 "2010-01-10T01:17:26Z")
> [@ivan\_astikov](#): > > Objectionable, maybe, but isn’t everything these days. Do you enjoy being patronized? I sure as hell don’t. What is, is. My physical issues can suck. Most of the time they don’t and just are. But they exist. There’s no getting around that. I don’t want or need people pretending that hey, having various issues and pain and weird nerve stuff creeping up on me the older I get and being 4’2" doesn’t exist. I don’t go around all the time feeling sorry for myself, I live a live complete with a job in a cubicle. But I am what I am, physically, and I don’t need other people pretending otherwise. I know people are trying not to offend with that sort of terminology. Oddly it has the opposite effect. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2010, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/45 "2010-01-10T01:32:27Z")
> [@whiterabbit](#): > > I don’t go around all the time feeling sorry for myself, I live a live \*\*complete with a job in a cubicle. > \*\* THAT, I’ll pity you for.:D:D:D ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2010, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/46 "2010-01-10T01:38:47Z")
Fine by me. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2010, 3:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/47 "2010-01-10T03:47:16Z")
> [@runner pat](#): > > The phase is objectionable because it pretends that disability doesn’t exist. it’s a form of patronization that the disabled person is so sad about being disabled that the able bodied needs to gloss over the disability. as in ‘yay, i cant walk for shit but you should see me race a wheelchair’ thanks. I know i cant walk. I would love to be able to walk but it isnt happening, and i really dont want you ‘celebrating my difference’ thanks very much. if you want to do something, open a door or get me something off the shelf and get on with life. ---
**Author:** ![Alessan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/alessan/32/465_2.png) [@Alessan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alessan)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2010, 9:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/48 "2010-01-10T09:16:47Z")
My little brother was severely injured in a hiking accident three years ago. He’s has limited movement in his arms and shoulders, and nothing below that. Anyway, after his surgery he spent eight months in neurological rehabilitation. One evening we were sitting in the lobby playing checkers, partly to pass the time, and partly to practice his motor skills - my brother can’t actually move his fingers, but through careful manipulation of his wrists he can pick small objects up. Anyway, genius that the kid is, he was beating me again and again. After taking my last piece for the third time in the row, he shook his head sadly and said: “Lost again - and to a _cripple_. You must be so embarrassed.” Needless to say, my brother has no use for pity. Just to show off, [here’s](http://www.jpost.com/servlet/Satellite?cid=1204213998104&pagename=JPArticle%2FShowFull)what he was doing a year later. ---
**Author:** ![Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hazle_Weatherfield)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2010, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/49 "2010-01-10T19:04:41Z")
Wow, Alessan! Your brother is amazing; and hilarious! ---
**Author:** ![Canadjun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/76d3ee/32.png) [@Canadjun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Canadjun)\ **Post date:** [January 10, 2010, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/50 "2010-01-10T22:08:52Z")
> [@whiterabbit](#): > > BTW, the term “differently-abled” makes me want to puke. I can’t be alone. I agree. “Differently-abled” is an idiotic term to use for someone with a disability (I am paraplegic, by the way). Think about it - everybody on this planet is “differently-abled”; I doubt you would be able to find two different people with **exactly** the same abilities. ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2010, 10:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/51 "2010-01-24T10:42:05Z")
How do y’all feel about “handi-capable”? It doesn’t apply to me, but I know what I think: it makes a person sound like some gadget they sell at Target or Home Depot. “The Carnick 2000 is handi-capable!” Compared to that, differently-abled is still patronizing, but not **as** patronizing as handi-capable. IMO, anyway. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2010, 11:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/52 "2010-01-24T11:44:06Z")
> [@Rilchiam](#): > > How do y’all feel about “handi-capable”? It doesn’t apply to me, but I know what I think: it makes a person sound like some gadget they sell at Target or Home Depot. “The Carnick 2000 is handi-capable!” Compared to that, differently-abled is still patronizing, but not **as** patronizing as handi-capable. IMO, anyway. It’s still patronizing. Just more of “let’s make the cripple feel better about him/herself while I look progressive by using a sensitive phrase”. We’re disabled, crippled, a gimp. Doesn’t mean we’re helpless. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2010, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/53 "2010-01-24T13:10:21Z")
> [@whiterabbit](#): > > I live a live complete with a job in a cubicle. Well, I know I’m overdue for getting my eyes checked - when I read this, I thought you were saying you lived in a cubicle. I know you said your place is small, but dang!!! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2010, 1:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/54 "2010-01-24T13:55:09Z")
> [@dangermom](#): > > But lots of people don’t smile out in public for no reason, either. I know plenty of people who have been told they look unhappy (so cheer up! or what’s wrong?), when in fact they were just not doing anything. > > Americans in particular seem to expect cheerfulness in public; contrast this with Russians, who are famously stern-looking in public and very warm in private. Drop a perfectly happy Russian into Des Moines and people will probably assume she is unhappy. If you see what I mean. Ah. I generally just think of such expressions as neutral, not unhappy. I was only thinking of feeling sorry for those whose faces show true distress. Around here, at least, there’s a big difference. ---
**Author:** ![whiterabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/cab0a1/32.png) [@whiterabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/whiterabbit)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2010, 5:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/55 "2010-01-24T17:25:39Z")
My cubicle is way smaller than my house, which is pretty small itself. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2010, 9:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/56 "2010-01-25T09:13:29Z")
> [@](#): > > I know i cant walk. I would love to be able to walk but it isnt happening, and i really dont want you ‘celebrating my difference’ thanks very much. if you want to do something, open a door or get me something off the shelf and get on with life. I hate the " Oh wow you’re so SPECIAL b/c you’ve managed to overcome this disabilty crap that’s out there. :rolleyes: I am deaf. It is a huge part of who I am. I don’t think of it as something bad per se. In fact it’s awesome. I can turn off sound with a flick of the switch, I can speech (lip)read. What really annoys me is nondisabled folks assuming that physical disabilites are some cross to bear. I’m not impaired. I can function just fine without sound. What a lot of “normies” forget is that you can very easily ADAPT to disbilities and it’s just a different like eye or hair color. I’ve got to say, I have dealt with both physical and mental (illness) related disabilites and it’s a hell of a lot harder to deal with mental illness stuff then it is to deal with stuff like blindness, hearing loss, using wheelchair etc ---
**Author:** ![Ettina](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e9a140/32.png) [@Ettina](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ettina)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/57 "2012-10-16T17:01:56Z")
“Yes, but they don’t tend to do it the other way. People don’t fake looking unhappy. And the unhappy ones are the ones you’re more likely to feel sorry for.” Everyone has bad days. If you see some guy in a wheelchair you’ve never met before, and he looks really sad, doesn’t mean he’s sad all the time or that it’s because of his disability that he’s sad. I mean, maybe his dog just died, or his girlfriend dumped him. Just like anyone. If you see the person on a regular basis, and they’re always unhappy, then yeah, it makes sense to feel sorry for them. Still doesn’t mean it’s got to do with disability, though. Disabled people can have the full range of unpleasant experiences as nondisabled people. (For example, the fact that I was sexually abused has nothing to do with me being autistic.) ---
**Author:** ![Seanette](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/seanette/32/9139_2.png) [@Seanette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seanette)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/58 "2012-10-16T17:22:18Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > when I am out with mrAru either in my wheelchair on a bad day, or crutches on a good day, I find people talk to him and not me. Why the hell should he have an opinion on which brassierre _I_ want … and I am a gimp, not deaf to be shouted at, nor am I mentally deficient and need to have something explained or asked of me in simple one syllable words. > > Now if you want to open a door for me, or help me by carrying a package, I’m fine with that … So you wouldn’t be irritated with me for asking you if you’d like me to get something down off a shelf for you while shopping? I do that with people in wheelchairs or on those motorized carts (never had anyone get mad at me for asking). To me, “pity” and “sympathy” are different things. As others have said, “pity” does seem to have a connotation of condescension, while “sympathy” to me is basically “I wish you didn’t have this difficulty, can I do anything to make it less of a problem?” ---
**Author:** ![Seanette](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/seanette/32/9139_2.png) [@Seanette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seanette)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/59 "2012-10-16T17:26:44Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > And on a more silly annoying anecdote. One Hallowe’en, he was unhappily stuck taking his niece or nephew (or some little kid, I don’t remember), trick or treating. He was clearly too old to be a trick-or-treater and hung back with the other adults who were escorting kids, but people gave him candy anyway. None of the other adults got candy, just him. Feeling sorry for him that way made him feel like a kid. And if only they knew what a little shit he was half the time! 🙂 Hope I wouldn’t have annoyed him. I give candy to any adult escorting kids who wants it. I figure they deserve it. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/60 "2012-10-16T17:56:51Z")
> [@AboutAsWeirdAsYouCanGet](#): > > I hate the " Oh wow you’re so SPECIAL b/c you’ve managed to overcome this disabilty crap that’s out there. :rolleyes: This reminds me of a stand-up comedian I watched who had a motor-coordination disability. He said he was in a convenience store at like 3am and someone stopped him to tell him how inspired they were that he was living his life. He was like, “Dude. I’m just here to buy some liquor.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714.md?page=4)