# Disabled Don't Want Pity, But Why? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 5, 2010, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714 "2010-01-05T03:19:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Saraya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Saraya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saraya)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/61 "2012-10-16T18:02:26Z")
Why do women get panties in a knot cause you open the door for them at the bank? Well besides the obvious and that they’re either dykes, or militant femi nazis, it’s because they aren’t comfortable with themselves and end up projecting that negativity onto others. Equally, disabled people act the same - always with a chip on their shoulder. Hey look life sucks but it aint everyone else’s fault. I mean if they really want us to be assholes, that’s fine, I’d be happy to park in their ‘handicap’ space. ---
**Author:** ![MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MPB_in_Salt_Lake)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/62 "2012-10-16T18:08:26Z")
> [@Seanette](#): > > I give candy to any adult escorting kids who wants it. I figure they deserve it. 😃 If you _really_ want to reward those adults who are concerned & caring enough to chaperone the little tykes, this year try offering them tequilla and hardore Slovakian pornography. ---
**Author:** ![Seanette](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/seanette/32/9139_2.png) [@Seanette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seanette)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/63 "2012-10-16T18:19:55Z")
> [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](#): > > If you _really_ want to reward those adults who are concerned & caring enough to chaperone the little tykes, this year try offering them tequilla and hardore Slovakian pornography. I don’t buy alcohol or porn. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/64 "2012-10-16T20:41:12Z")
> [@MPB\_in\_Salt\_Lake](#): > > If you _really_ want to reward those adults who are concerned & caring enough to chaperone the little tykes, this year try offering them tequilla and hardore Slovakian pornography. Slovakian? Why Slovakian? Is that like premium porn or something? ---
**Author:** ![Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8c91f0/32.png) [@Bam\_Boo\_Gut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bam_Boo_Gut)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/65 "2012-10-16T23:22:42Z")
My brother was an absolute cherub of a baby ( I still call him my little brother but now people are WTF? He’s six foot tall). I remember some friends coming to visit with their babe a scrawny crying little thing, and being puzzled as to why my bro was not being brought down to join us. My mum afterwards told me the contrast was too much. My mum was deafish when I was growing up, it’s got worse, so hopefully I learned not to offend people or pander to them for one reason or another. One time working in a restaurant much was made of the fact that some dude was coming in in a wheelchair. I couldn’t really understand the fuss. Anyway, he had to come in through the back way and at the time I was out there taking a break with my legs across a stool. Anyone approaching would have had to say “excuse me” which he did and through he went. I got such a dressing down from the manager for not jumping out of the way. Dude requested me as his waitress and gave me a massive tip 😃 I know a dude with one arm who calls himself “this abled” I like that for him. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [October 16, 2012, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/66 "2012-10-16T23:40:44Z")
> [@Seanette](#): > > So you wouldn’t be irritated with me for asking you if you’d like me to get something down off a shelf for you while shopping? I do that with people in wheelchairs or on those motorized carts (never had anyone get mad at me for asking). > > To me, “pity” and “sympathy” are different things. As others have said, “pity” does seem to have a connotation of condescension, while “sympathy” to me is basically “I wish you didn’t have this difficulty, can I do anything to make it less of a problem?” Not unless I appear to be having difficulty getting it myself or I ask you to get it for me. If you see me out and about in the world, in my wheelchair, assume that I know what I am doing and I have a handle on the situation. My mere existence isn’t “problemlatic” or “difficult”. If I don’t appear to be having difficulty with anything, don’t assume anything. If I need assistance, I will be the one to ask. If you see me reaching for something that is on a shelf; yes, I would appreciate such a question being asked to me. But if you simply saw me in the grocery store, minding my own business and not doing anything that might be perceived as “hard for me” (other than “being” that is, lol); I _would_ be irritated with such a question. Go away busybody. ---
**Author:** ![Canadjun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/76d3ee/32.png) [@Canadjun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Canadjun)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2012, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/67 "2012-10-17T00:01:57Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > If you see me reaching for something that is on a shelf; yes, I would appreciate such a question being asked to me. But if you simply saw me in the grocery store, minding my own business and not doing anything that might be perceived as “hard for me” (other than “being” that is, lol); I _would_ be irritated with such a question. Go away busybody. I’d agree with that (as I’ve mentioned before, I’m paraplegic; I use either a manual wheelchair or an electric scooter, depending on what I am doing at any particular time). I think the simplest way to put it is that hopefully you offer to help **anyone** that **looks like** they need help of some sort, whether it is someone short that is trying to reach a high shelf, a little old lady trying to grab a 10kg bag of potatoes, somebody standing in front of a shelf holding a magnifying glass up to a label, etc. You wouldn’t offer help to the above-mentioned people if you just saw them walking down an aisle casually poking through stuff. The fact that somebody is on wheels rather than feet shouldn’t change that. ---
**Author:** ![Seanette](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/seanette/32/9139_2.png) [@Seanette](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Seanette)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2012, 8:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/68 "2012-10-17T08:39:03Z")
> [@Canadjun](#): > > I’d agree with that (as I’ve mentioned before, I’m paraplegic; I use either a manual wheelchair or an electric scooter, depending on what I am doing at any particular time). > > I think the simplest way to put it is that hopefully you offer to help **anyone** that **looks like** they need help of some sort, whether it is someone short that is trying to reach a high shelf, a little old lady trying to grab a 10kg bag of potatoes, somebody standing in front of a shelf holding a magnifying glass up to a label, etc. You wouldn’t offer help to the above-mentioned people if you just saw them walking down an aisle casually poking through stuff. The fact that somebody is on wheels rather than feet shouldn’t change that. And I do offer help under any set of circumstances that suggests the person could use it (short trying to grab something out of reach is tricky because I’m short, though. Little old lady with heavy object, apparent vision issues, etc., I can and do help with). ---
**Author:** ![MegaBee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f0a364/32.png) [@MegaBee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MegaBee)\ **Post date:** [October 17, 2012, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/69 "2012-10-17T16:28:07Z")
> [@Saraya](#): > > Why do women get panties in a knot cause you open the door for them at the bank? > > Well besides the obvious and that they’re either dykes, or militant femi nazis, it’s because they aren’t comfortable with themselves and end up projecting that negativity onto others. > > Equally, disabled people act the same - always with a chip on their shoulder. Hey look life sucks but it aint everyone else’s fault. > > I mean if they really want us to be assholes, that’s fine, I’d be happy to park in their ‘handicap’ space. Is it bad that I can’t tell whether or not this is sarcasm? ---
**Author:** ![Ellen\_Cherry](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ellen_cherry/32/3600_2.png) [@Ellen\_Cherry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ellen_Cherry)\ **Post date:** [October 18, 2012, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/70 "2012-10-18T20:25:43Z")
> [@Saraya](#): > > Why do women get panties in a knot cause you open the door for them at the bank? > > Well besides the obvious and that they’re either dykes, or militant femi nazis, it’s because they aren’t comfortable with themselves and end up projecting that negativity onto others. > > Equally, disabled people act the same - always with a chip on their shoulder. Hey look life sucks but it aint everyone else’s fault. > > I mean if they really want us to be assholes, that’s fine, I’d be happy to park in their ‘handicap’ space. Look, this is not how we roll here. Hate speech is against the rules, which you may want to [familiarize yourself with](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=650726) if you’re going to continue to post here. > [@](#): > > We have one guiding principle: Don’t be a jerk. Any more posting of this sort will garner you official warnings, which could lead to an evaluation and eventual revocation of your posting privileges. So stop it now. Ellen Cherry IMHO Moderator ---
**Author:** ![BigT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bigt/32/12044_2.png) [@BigT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BigT)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2012, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/71 "2012-10-20T13:01:00Z")
> [@Ettina](#): > > “Yes, but they don’t tend to do it the other way. People don’t fake looking unhappy. And the unhappy ones are the ones you’re more likely to feel sorry for.” > > Everyone has bad days. If you see some guy in a wheelchair you’ve never met before, and he looks really sad, doesn’t mean he’s sad all the time or that it’s because of his disability that he’s sad. I mean, maybe his dog just died, or his girlfriend dumped him. Just like anyone. > > If you see the person on a regular basis, and they’re always unhappy, then yeah, it makes sense to feel sorry for them. Still doesn’t mean it’s got to do with disability, though. Disabled people can have the full range of unpleasant experiences as nondisabled people. (For example, the fact that I was sexually abused has nothing to do with me being autistic.) True, but feeling sorry for someone doesn’t mean you feel sorry for them because of their disability. I just feel bad because they’re sad. I’m empathic by nature. ---
**Author:** ![phxjcc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8491ac/32.png) [@phxjcc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phxjcc)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2012, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714/72 "2012-10-20T21:31:53Z")
> [@Ellen\_Cherry](#): > > Look, this is not how we roll here. Hate speech is against the rules, which you may want to [familiarize yourself with](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=650726) if you’re going to continue to post here. > > Any more posting of this sort will garner you official warnings, which could lead to an evaluation and eventual revocation of your posting privileges. So stop it now. > > Ellen Cherry > IMHO Moderator Thank you, Ms. Mod. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disabled-dont-want-pity-but-why/523714.md?page=3)