# Disturbing Question for Parents **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 9, 2016, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disturbing-question-for-parents/754434 "2016-05-09T20:34:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 19\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Dante\_G](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/977dab/32.png) [@Dante\_G](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante_G)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2016, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disturbing-question-for-parents/754434/1 "2016-05-09T20:34:40Z")
I hope I am not alone in this, for the sake of my sanity… Ever since I had children - I have 2 sons, 9 and 12 yrs old - I seem to randomly think of them in horrible situations. By that I mean, I will randomly imagine what it would be like to have them in danger or worse, dying horribly. I don’t know if its because I’ve seen a lot of horror films over the years, or what, but damn it’s disturbing. I don’t WANT to think of these things, obviously, but I’ll be damned if they don’t just pop into my head. Any other parents out there that can make me feel not so alone in this? Any experts have any psychological reasoning behind this? ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2016, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disturbing-question-for-parents/754434/2 "2016-05-09T20:38:36Z")
I am not a parent, but my mother has told me that being a mother has caused her to find it very difficult to stomach violent movies, because it makes her envision the violence in the movie happening to her children. So you are most definitely not alone in this kind of thinking mindset. ---
**Author:** ![inedible\_knapsack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/49beb7/32.png) [@inedible\_knapsack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/inedible_knapsack)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2016, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disturbing-question-for-parents/754434/3 "2016-05-09T20:54:30Z")
I listened to a podcast a while back (can’t find it for the life of me now) where a man almost had a nervous breakdown because he kept envisioning doing violence against his family, especially his wife. He went to psychologists and they diagnosed him with all sorts of mental illnesses, but their treatments didn’t work. Finally he found a psychologist who treated fear complexes, and in the first session the doc handed him a knife and told him to hold it to his throat. The man did so and felt no compulsion to kill. His sessions consisted of that sort of thing. Immersion therapy, I think it’s called? At any rate, the psychologist told him that the fact that he had those visions was precisely because it was what he feared the most. When he was confronted with the reality–that he wasn’t actually a murderer–he was able to recover. I’ve pictured my whole family dying unexpectedly and convinced myself of the fantasy enough that I even dealt with the trauma of that on some level. I think it’s a normal way of dealing with fear, as long as it’s not an obsession. ---
**Author:** ![InsomniaMama](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ad7895/32.png) [@InsomniaMama](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/InsomniaMama)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2016, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disturbing-question-for-parents/754434/4 "2016-05-09T21:03:58Z")
Only in the middle of the night. _sigh_ ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2016, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disturbing-question-for-parents/754434/5 "2016-05-09T21:04:27Z")
**Dante,** I can’t fix your problem, but I can reinforce you’re not alone. Wait until they start driving and are not home by 11:00 as they promised. Or you get that 1:00 a.m. phone call from the police. I am not generally a worrier, but I sure do have awful thoughts like you are having. Of course, my kids have at times given me good reason to fear… ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2016, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disturbing-question-for-parents/754434/6 "2016-05-09T21:46:38Z")
IANAD and mention the following only to say it does not sound “crazy” to me. I put this in the category of imagining what would happen if I turn my car off that cliff, or what if I crashed into someone else and maim or killed them? WHAT IF THE WORST HAPPENED??! I used to mentally wallow in how terrible it would be for my mom to die. I think it’s one’s brain going to your worst fears and trying to deal with them. It comes from imaging the worst, the unthinkable, the unknown. What if, what if? I am not surprised that these thoughts come unbidden and scare or disturb you. If you’re an absolute thinker like me, you would take your reasonable fears and concern for the well-being of your kids and subconsciously take it to its extreme. I actually had a co-worker who would describe in dark humor terrible things happening to his son, and I think it was just his way of shaking it off or dealing with his real fears. If it becomes debilitating, a counselor can help with techniques to deal with the thoughts. ---
**Author:** ![Omega\_Glory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7c8e57/32.png) [@Omega\_Glory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omega_Glory)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2016, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disturbing-question-for-parents/754434/7 "2016-05-09T22:02:08Z")
I’m with **Gigi**. In addition to what she said, I think it can be a way to alert you to danger, e.g. you picture the bookshelf crushing the baby, so you secure the bookshelf and avoid a tragedy. ---
**Author:** ![Dante\_G](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/977dab/32.png) [@Dante\_G](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dante_G)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2016, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disturbing-question-for-parents/754434/8 "2016-05-09T22:02:38Z")
Well, I’m glad to hear I’m not alone in this… Thankfully it isn’t something that occurs a lot. It’s not a daily or weekly thing. It’s very random, unless spurned on by a crazy death in a movie. But usually when I do start to imagine it, the thought goes on for a few minutes. Thankfully, unlike the one contributor mentioned earlier… I am not the ones doing these things to my family in these visions. It’s usually accidental deaths or injuries. Nothing that I do to them myself. That would indeed be very disturbing. ---
**Author:** ![Defensive\_Indifference](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/defensive_indifference/32/6502_2.png) [@Defensive\_Indifference](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Defensive_Indifference)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2016, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disturbing-question-for-parents/754434/9 "2016-05-09T22:13:09Z")
I also randomly get terrible visions of something happening to one of my kids. I imagine them choking on something or getting injured by some household hazard like strangling in the cords of the blinds. The other day I was making a big pot of soup, and I had a horrible vision of my daughter knocking it off the stove onto herself. Sometimes I suddenly think of what it must be like if they went missing. I’ve had several nightmares where one of them drowns. Like **Dante G** ’s visions, mine don’t pop up every day. Couple times a week, probably. I also agree with **Omega Glory** , that these fears can help you avoid tragedy, as long as you don’t get completely consumed by paralyzing fear. (In the case of the Killer Soup Pot, I moved the pot to the back burner where she wouldn’t be able to reach it.) ---
**Author:** ![Esox\_Lucius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/848f3c/32.png) [@Esox\_Lucius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esox_Lucius)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2016, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disturbing-question-for-parents/754434/10 "2016-05-09T22:17:08Z")
> [@InsomniaMama](#): > > Only in the middle of the night. _sigh_ At the beginning of the night for me. When my kids were toddlers, it happened a couple of times as I was drifting off to sleep. I would suddenly imagine a drunk driver losing control of his vehicle, careening up on the sidewalk and…you know. I got so upset that I couldn’t fall asleep for a while. I’m glad to hear I’m not crazy. For that reason, at least. ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2016, 10:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disturbing-question-for-parents/754434/11 "2016-05-09T22:43:08Z")
> [@Esox\_Lucius](#): > > At the beginning of the night for me. When my kids were toddlers, it happened a couple of times as I was drifting off to sleep. I would suddenly imagine a drunk driver losing control of his vehicle, careening up on the sidewalk and…you know. I got so upset that I couldn’t fall asleep for a while. I’m glad to hear I’m not crazy. For that reason, at least. You are not alone! I’ve learned not to trust anything that happens in the time when I first fall asleep. That’s when I wake up in a panic, or dream I am stepping off a step into nothing, etc. > **[Hypnagogia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypnagogia)** > > Hypnagogia is the transitional state from wakefulness to sleep, also defined as the waning state of consciousness during the onset of sleep. Its opposite state is described as hypnopompia – the transitional state from sleep into wakefulness. Mental phenomena that may occur during this "threshold consciousness" phase include hypnagogic hallucinations, lucid dreaming, and sleep paralysis. > In 1848, Alfred Maury introduced the term "hypnagogic" from the Greek words ύπνος (“hypnos”), meaning “slee... ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disturbing-question-for-parents/754434/12 "2016-05-10T00:01:16Z")
I’m an uncle, I had those feelings. I assume that is your brain trying to prep you to see how you’d handle the worst case scenario. ---
**Author:** ![jtur88](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e9c0ed/32.png) [@jtur88](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jtur88)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 1:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disturbing-question-for-parents/754434/13 "2016-05-10T01:24:53Z")
One important thing. Do you think of them in horrible situations that can actually occur in real life, like being audited by the IRS or being drafted into the army? Or are you imagining them in a field in the dark with a girl screaming “Why don’t we just get in that running car?”, under the influence of those movies you’re watching. ---
**Author:** ![China\_Guy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@China\_Guy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/China_Guy)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disturbing-question-for-parents/754434/14 "2016-05-10T02:21:46Z")
Dante, you’re definitely not alone in this. Sheesh, sometimes I think I need to scrub my brain out with bleach… ---
**Author:** ![Arrendajo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arrendajo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrendajo)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disturbing-question-for-parents/754434/15 "2016-05-10T02:40:27Z")
I think it’s relatively common for parents to obsess about the safety of their offspring. It’s your major investment, materially and emotionally. And sometimes, truly horrible things happen to children, with no warning whatsoever. Johnny got run over by a truck – Susie fell in the river and disappeared down the rapids. You tell yourself “those things happen to other people, not our family” but there’s a little voice in the back of your head saying “Oh yes it could.” ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disturbing-question-for-parents/754434/16 "2016-05-10T03:00:56Z")
All the time and it’s gotten even worse now that my older daughter lets her little sister tag along when she goes out. I will panic the whole time with scenario after horrible scenario playing in my brain. I don’t think it’s related to horror shows because I actively avoid them. I used to feel just horrible for even thinking these things but groups and forums like this have assured me that it’s not bad or weird at all to experience this. It’s just your imagination running wild due to anxiety. ---
**Author:** ![Esox\_Lucius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/848f3c/32.png) [@Esox\_Lucius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esox_Lucius)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 8:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disturbing-question-for-parents/754434/17 "2016-05-10T08:54:50Z")
> [@gigi](#): > > You are not alone! I’ve learned not to trust anything that happens in the time when I first fall asleep. That’s when I wake up in a panic, or dream I am stepping off a step into nothing, etc. > [Hypnagogia - Wikipedia](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Hypnagogia) Tell it, sister! You reminded me that I sometimes still get these images where I’m at some great height, like on an impossibly high roller coaster, with no way of getting down safely. The immediate shot of adrenaline wakes me right up. I wasn’t the most eager of expectant fathers when our first was on the way, and a couple of times my hypnogogic image was nothing but a pitch-black bottomless pit of responsibility that scared the daylights out of me. (That took a thousand-and-eighty degree turn in the right direction the moment he was born, BTW.) Through that Wikipedia article, I now know what hypnic jerks are. They’re getting worse as I age. More than once I’ve hypnically kneed or kicked my wife as she’s sleeping or drifting off. She’ll be so much more understanding now that I can explain it to her.:dubious: (The Hypnic Jerks = awesome band name!) ---
**Author:** ![Me\_Billy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e480ec/32.png) [@Me\_Billy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Me_Billy)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disturbing-question-for-parents/754434/18 "2016-05-10T15:28:26Z")
I’ve noticed that people who watch too much TV think it is not safe to walk outside their door - that they are in danger of being attacked getting out of their car at the grocery store - and that they will suddenly die if they touch a shopping cart handle or elevator button! Have your cable TV disconnected and switch to reading nice books. ---
**Author:** ![CatastrophicFailure](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8c91f0/32.png) [@CatastrophicFailure](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CatastrophicFailure)\ **Post date:** [May 10, 2016, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/disturbing-question-for-parents/754434/19 "2016-05-10T17:10:34Z")
This makes me think of John Irving’s Afterward for _The World According to Garp_. At the end he says: > [@](#): > > When _Garp_ was published, people who’d lost children wrote to me. “I lost one, too,” they told me. I confessed to them that I hadn’t lost any children. I’m just a father with a good imagination. In my imagination, I lose my children every day. I think it’s common. Parenting makes you feel vulnerable in a way nothing else does, in my experience.