# Divorce and parenting issues **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 26, 2019, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorce-and-parenting-issues/837673 "2019-07-26T15:34:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulf_the_Unwashed)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2019, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorce-and-parenting-issues/837673/41 "2019-07-27T04:21:52Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > Does he post a lot of pictures, typically? > > I will say this. It would fucking break my heart if I constantly had friends saying things like “I loved that picture of Jack at soccer game! He looked so cute!” and I had to be like “I wouldn’t know. I didn’t see it.”; “Jack sure was having a good time in that picture from scouts the other day! Where were they?” and I’m like “I don’t know.” > > I don’t really Facebook. Do you have to be friends to tag someone? If so, I don’t think it would be unreasonable to ask to be tagged in photos of him. It’s a shitty thing to share pictures of your kid with everyone else except his other parent. To have mutual friends seeing all these pictures of your kid that you were literally forbidden to see. To some degree, though, that’s how divorce works, at least where there’s shared custody. You no longer know what your kid is up to some (large) percentage of the time, unless your ex chooses to tell you, or unless your kid chooses to tell you, or unless you hear it in a backdoor manner from your friends. “Hey, I saw your kid the other day–she was at the park with your ex and a kid I didn’t know.” (You did? Which park? Was she having fun? Wonder who that other kid was…) “Did your daughter enjoy the Greek festival? I saw her from a distance but didn’t get a chance to say hello.” (Oh, she was at the festival? Why did he take her there? But she doesn’t even like Greek food…) Would it break your heart if someone said, “Oh, I saw Jack at his soccer game! He looked so cute!” and you hadn;t been there (and no one had photographed it)? Not trying to be confrontational. I get the “being denied” thing about the OP, and about your reaction, but I’m struggling to articulate a significant difference between “I didn’t see that picture, so how come you got to?” and “I wasn;t a part of that experience, so how come you were?” To my mind, if anything, the second is the bigger issue. I’d be more broken up by missing the first time my kid scored a goal than I would be not seeing a picture of it. I guess mileage varies. But then, I think that parents shouldn;t be putting pictures of their kids on social media at all without the kids’ permission, so maybe no one ought to listen to me… For the record, I am not divorced and I do not have a Facebook account. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2019, 11:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorce-and-parenting-issues/837673/42 "2019-07-27T11:37:31Z")
> [@Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](#): > > Not trying to be confrontational. I get the “being denied” thing about the OP, and about your reaction, but I’m struggling to articulate a significant difference between “I didn’t see that picture, so how come you got to?” and “I wasn;t a part of that experience, so how come you were?” To my mind, if anything, the second is the bigger issue. I’d be more broken up by missing the first time my kid scored a goal than I would be not seeing a picture of it. I guess mileage varies. > > But then, I think that parents shouldn;t be putting pictures of their kids on social media at all without the kids’ permission, so maybe no one ought to listen to me… > > For the record, I am not divorced and I do not have a Facebook account. I’m not divorced but I do have Facebook, and I think there are a few differences 1. People stay Facebook friends with their kids’ relatives after a divorce, even if they don’t see each other in real life. So I’m still “friends” with my ex-sister-in-law because our kids are still cousins - but if it wasn’t for Facebook, we would only see each other at the kid’s graduations and such. However, with Facebook, it’s possible for me to mention some photos/videos of my nieces XYZ competition that my brother hasn’t seen /knows nothing about. 2)People act differently in real life than on Facebook. In addition to the above, when couple split up actual friends tend to go with one or the other. So what you end up with are mutual acquaintances - which is fine, but some other team parent isn’t terribly likely to mention the time they saw your child with the other parent at the park. 1. People post stuff on Facebook that they would never think to tell you in real life - which means there’s a lot more stuff for people to ask " Did you see\_\_\_" I know things about my second cousin’s kids that I would never have known without Facebook - nothing bad, but pre-Facebook my cousins didn’t make it a point to tell me when their kid got a new job or bought a house. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2019, 11:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorce-and-parenting-issues/837673/43 "2019-07-27T11:54:24Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > To my knowledge they are not putting the kid in the middle, literally. They are actually being pretty good about things in front of him. She is very much a control person, and is using her care for her son as a tool against her ex. This isn’t about Facebook, this is about her losing her control. > > They are both decent parents, and there shouldn’t be any concern that either should have when the kid is with the other parent. The thing is, this is putting the kid in the middle. There’s a very good chance that the mom is going to ask the son whether he is being put in Facebook pictures, or tell him not to let himself be in any pictures online. He’s going to be in a no-win situation. My parents separated when I was 13, with a strong commitment to keeping us kids out of the middle. That commitment didn’t last, and it SUCKED. Made those years the worst of my life. Yeah, your friend has the right to tell her to go fuck herself. Her request is unreasonable. For the sake of your son, he should not exercise that right. He should first off reply to her question about why she’s been blocked, and second try to come up with a compromise. To do otherwise is going to edge them closer to putting the kid in the middle of their fight, and that’s something to avoid. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2019, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorce-and-parenting-issues/837673/44 "2019-07-27T12:38:29Z")
> [@Ulf\_the\_Unwashed](#): > > To some degree, though, that’s how divorce works, at least where there’s shared custody. You no longer know what your kid is up to some (large) percentage of the time, unless your ex chooses to tell you, or unless your kid chooses to tell you, or unless you hear it in a backdoor manner from your friends. It’s not so much the not being there. If I wasn’t there, the person who saw my kid there knows I wasn’t there–and knows I am divorced, so that’s fine. But people comment on pictures on Facebook all the time–it’s part of the reason I don’t do Facebook; I don’t like these conversations. It would be weird to have to tell people your ex blocks you and doesn’t let you see those pictures. It’s having something made public to the world about my kid and me not knowing about it: it’s not that I don’t know he was at a baseball game, it’s that I don’t get to see the picture of my kid, but hundreds, maybe thousands of other people do. They’ve all had this experience involving my kid, and I, out of our whole circle, am the only person who can’t, because I’ve been specifically banned from seeing it. And, honestly, that I have to constantly remind them of that, or lie. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2019, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorce-and-parenting-issues/837673/45 "2019-07-28T16:20:45Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > There’s a very good chance that the mom is going to ask the son whether he is being put in Facebook pictures, or tell him not to let himself be in any pictures online. He’s going to be in a no-win situation. What world do you live in? How is an 11 year old kid know what his parents do with pictures that are taken of them? Hell I’m over 50, and my wife posts pics that I’m in, that I didn’t even know were taken. No, dad is not a prolific poster on facebook. As I said above, this isn’t really about facebook or social media, this is about control. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2019, 4:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorce-and-parenting-issues/837673/46 "2019-07-28T16:22:07Z")
> [@nearwildheaven](#): > > Omar, it’s really none of your business. And I haven’t given either parent my opinion, as they haven’t asked for it. Just posting the situation here for discussion. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2019, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorce-and-parenting-issues/837673/47 "2019-07-28T19:19:10Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > What world do you live in? How is an 11 year old kid know what his parents do with pictures that are taken of them? Hell I’m over 50, and my wife posts pics that I’m in, that I didn’t even know were taken. > > No, dad is not a prolific poster on facebook. As I said above, this isn’t really about facebook or social media, this is about control. He knows when people ask him about them. Would it be so terrible to just text her the pictures he posts? Not for pre-approval, but just so she can see them, too? ---
**Author:** ![Muffin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muffin/32/4341_2.png) [@Muffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Muffin)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2019, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorce-and-parenting-issues/837673/48 "2019-07-28T20:15:17Z")
She’s a nut. He’s an ass. Both could use large doses of grow-the-fuck-up. Tell them to seek professional help to assist them in leaning how to make responsible parenting decisions. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2019, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorce-and-parenting-issues/837673/49 "2019-07-29T00:23:37Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > What world do you live in? How is an 11 year old kid know what his parents do with pictures that are taken of them? Hell I’m over 50, and my wife posts pics that I’m in, that I didn’t even know were taken. > > No, dad is not a prolific poster on facebook. As I said above, this isn’t really about facebook or social media, this is about control. I live in a world where I have a 10-year-old kid, and I ask her permission every time before putting her image online, because that’s part of how I teach her that she gets to control her image/online identity. I live in a world where I read a post about two adults being assholes to one another and one is using their child as a pawn in that behavior, and I suspect that that asshole is going to ask her kid. What world do I live in? Come the fuck on. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2019, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorce-and-parenting-issues/837673/50 "2019-07-29T00:31:24Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > I live in a world where I have a 10-year-old kid, and I ask her permission every time before putting her image online, because that’s part of how I teach her that she gets to control her image/online identity. I live in a world where I read a post about two adults being assholes to one another and one is using their child as a pawn in that behavior, and I suspect that that asshole is going to ask her kid. > > What world do I live in? Come the fuck on. While I really want to be on your side in tbis, I am not sure what you are teaching your child is entirely applicable to the real world. She can control her online identity to the extent of choosing where and what to post.Neither she, nor you, nor I, can control who posts images of us. In public spaces, you have no expectation of privacy. Goid on you for trying, though. ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2019, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorce-and-parenting-issues/837673/51 "2019-07-29T02:51:54Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > I live in a world where I have a 10-year-old kid, and I ask her permission every time before putting her image online, because that’s part of how I teach her that she gets to control her image/online identity. I live in a world where I read a post about two adults being assholes to one another and one is using their child as a pawn in that behavior, and I suspect that that asshole is going to ask her kid. > > What world do I live in? Come the fuck on. :Golf clap: You are an exception. Most parents don’t. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2019, 10:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorce-and-parenting-issues/837673/52 "2019-07-29T10:56:52Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > While I really want to be on your side in tbis, I am not sure what you are teaching your child is entirely applicable to the real world. She can control her online identity to the extent of choosing where and what to post.Neither she, nor you, nor I, can control who posts images of us. In public spaces, you have no expectation of privacy. Goid on you for trying, though. Real world example. A few years ago I took a selfie at a bar at around 4 pm. I tagged my friends in the picture, although I did not specifically ask my friends’ permission prior to posting. Turns out one of my friends “Dan” had a wife at home who thought he was at work. Mrs Dan saw the Facebook post and called Dan’s cellphone. Dan saw caller ID, ran outside, and answered the phone, claiming he was at work. This was the final straw in Dan’s messed-up marriage and they are divorced now. I haven’t posted a picture without first asking all involved since that happened. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2019, 11:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorce-and-parenting-issues/837673/53 "2019-07-29T11:08:13Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > While I really want to be on your side in tbis, I am not sure what you are teaching your child is entirely applicable to the real world. She can control her online identity to the extent of choosing where and what to post.Neither she, nor you, nor I, can control who posts images of us. In public spaces, you have no expectation of privacy. Goid on you for trying, though. You’re right, we don’t actually have control over who else posts images of us. But it’s kind of like the “kiss from Aunt Mamie” . Five year old Sally may not be able to stop physically stop Aunt Mamie from grabbing her and hugging her and kissing her. But Sally needs to know she doesn’t have to just go along with it quietly without objection. Same go for photos - my cousin’s kid can’t actually keep my mother from posting photos of the kid on Facebook. But she doesn’t have to keep her mouth shut and go along with it - she can tell her mom. And while we can’t control who posts photos of us when we are out in public, we can adjust our behavior to those who do so. ---
**Author:** ![SanVito](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sanvito/32/2805_2.png) [@SanVito](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SanVito)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2019, 11:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorce-and-parenting-issues/837673/54 "2019-07-29T11:33:28Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > The problem with agreeing about the FB photos is that it’s likely completely unfounded. If he agrees to this, then there will be something else she’ll ask about, then something else, etc. On the face of it, I don’t think her request is reasonable unless she has some basis to be worried about the photos he will post. Was he doing that when they were married and she had to monitor him? Probably not. I’m guessing she has never said anything about any photo he has ever posted. If this truly was the only request she made of him, then I would think it’s fine to give in. But given that the request is likely based in a need for control rather than any true concern about his photos, I say don’t give in. He should be free to post photos of his kid on FB just like every other parent does. > > Personally, I think she’s pissed about being blocked and ignored. In response to that, she’s creating unfounded excuses for needing access to his facebook. I’m guessing she really wanted access to cyberstalk him to find out what he’s doing. Oh, I 100% agree - she wants to see what he’s up to. The photograph thing is a total red herring, but at least this way, he gets to call her bluff. If she really has a problem about the photos, then she’ll agree. If she doesn’t - then she can go jump, frankly. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2019, 11:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorce-and-parenting-issues/837673/55 "2019-07-29T11:59:52Z")
> [@Omar\_Little](#): > > :Golf clap: > > You are an exception. Most parents don’t. But this parent IS, and you are convinced it’s a ploy and her only possible motive is selfish and she’s using her kid as a pretext. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2019, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorce-and-parenting-issues/837673/56 "2019-07-29T12:11:57Z")
A plague o’ both of your houses. I get that it wasn’t be best divorce in the world, but it seems that this is pretty typical in fights. People feed off each other. Why didn’t he give her a heads up? Told her that he wanted to have some space and not see her feed, etc., and the way Facebook works, this is what he needed to do? No further explanation required ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2019, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorce-and-parenting-issues/837673/57 "2019-07-29T13:49:58Z")
> [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > hiJack, I think. 😉 > What’s the date, Manson? We can all have a dope party. Well, a party on the dope. The Dope. Here. I mean here. and probably, there will be dope. May of 2022. I don’t care about the money, they are my kids after all. Just the penultimate step of never having to talk to their mother again. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorce-and-parenting-issues/837673.md?page=2)