### Author:  [@thirdwarning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thirdwarning)
#### Post date: [April 21, 2010, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-howd-you-feel-about-you-or-your-ex-keeping-the-last-name/536862/21 "2010-04-21T19:00:12Z")
Changing back to my maiden name was just about the first thing I talked to the lawyer about when I got divorced from my first husband. I couldn’t shed him or his name fast enough. And I really didn’t want to be associated with his loser family any longer than I had to be.
Besides, my birth name was kind of cool. If I were getting married now, I’d seriously think about keeping it.
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### Author:  [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)
#### Post date: [April 21, 2010, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-howd-you-feel-about-you-or-your-ex-keeping-the-last-name/536862/22 "2010-04-21T19:04:45Z")
I went back to my maiden name when I’d been divorced more years than I had been married. It let me go back to having at least one name that people can spell. Also, I only have sisters and no cousins with that last name. So I’m kinda holding the surname fort. Not that there’s any particular reason to.
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### Author:  [@breaking-reality](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/breaking-reality)
#### Post date: [April 21, 2010, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-howd-you-feel-about-you-or-your-ex-keeping-the-last-name/536862/23 "2010-04-21T19:23:30Z")
> [@Angel\_of\_the\_Lord](#):
>
> In retrospect, I should have just chosen the coolest name possible and had it worked into the divorce decree or something. I wish I didn’t have his name. It still doesn’t feel like mine.
I entertained the idea of changing it to my mother’s maiden name (which she kept).
When I first changed my name she gave me hell for it, saying I was taking a man’s name. Then I explained to her that they’re all technically mens names. I either keep my father’s name, or take the name of the man I’m choosing to marry. She actually accepted this argument and shut up about it. …until I got divorced. So I threatened to change my name to hers. 😃
As it stands, I’d be tempted to never change my name again. But when I have kids, I want to have the same last name as my children. So likely I will change it again someday.
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### Author:  [@Asimovian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Asimovian)
#### Post date: [April 21, 2010, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-howd-you-feel-about-you-or-your-ex-keeping-the-last-name/536862/24 "2010-04-21T19:26:25Z")
> [@kushiel](#):
>
> My brother was really upset about it. First of all, she had cheated on him…\
This is similar to my situation. Maybe if I’d been asked this question on the night I ran into her and the guy she’d had the affair with at an event she and I were originally supposed to go together, I’d have felt differently. 🙂 But now? Six months later? Seriously – she can legally change her name to whatever she wants. She can make her last name “Obama” if she desires. It’s just a name. I don’t think there’s any issue of being deserving about it – it’s not like she’s trying to honor the legacy of our marriage or anything by holding on to the name (or so I assume). And even if she were, that’s still not my problem.
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### Author:  [@raindog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raindog)
#### Post date: [April 21, 2010, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-howd-you-feel-about-you-or-your-ex-keeping-the-last-name/536862/25 "2010-04-21T19:35:53Z")
> [@kushiel](#):
>
> My brother was really upset about it. First of all, she had cheated on him and the divorce was her idea. Bro took the idea that she didn’t deserve our last name anymore (it’s pretty uncommon, everyone in the area with it is related). He just felt that she was the one who wanted out of the marriage, but she kept something that meant something to him.
>
> She remarried a few years ago and changed her name.
My thoughts too. I would have preferred that she change her name but we have kids so I kept my mouth shut. But I was always mildly bothered by it.
Now our youngest is 17 and she just remarried and has a new last name. Enough years have passed that I am much less concerned (to the point of ambivalence) but I still felt a small satisfaction of “getting my name back.”
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### Author:  [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)
#### Post date: [April 21, 2010, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-howd-you-feel-about-you-or-your-ex-keeping-the-last-name/536862/26 "2010-04-21T20:10:28Z")
I think it’s weird, particularly if she initiated the divorce proceedings. As I see it, if I dislike you enough to divorce you, I don’t want to be reminded of you for the rest of my foreseeable life.
And I admit I’m judgmental, but I always shake my head at women that keep their ex’s name after a messy divorce and a very short marriage. My ex boyfriend (who I had the foresight not to marry) married this girl after knowing her a month and, shockingly, they split up less than a year later. She sent me all kinds of angry emails, I assume thinking I could commiserate or something-- all about how he is the worst person in the world, he cheated, he lied, he mentally abused her, and even insinuating that he physically abused her. From meeting to divorce was just barely a year.
She kept his name.
I don’t get it.
I mean, I can at least understand if you’re married 15 years or something and you really have assumed that identity or if you’ve got kids, but these girls I know that keep their ex’s name after quickly marriages and divorces. . .meh. I don’t get it at all.
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### Author:  [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)
#### Post date: [April 21, 2010, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-howd-you-feel-about-you-or-your-ex-keeping-the-last-name/536862/27 "2010-04-21T21:29:21Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#):
>
> You misunderstand me; I didn’t mean don’t discuss it here; I just meant that there isn’t anything a guy can do about it, so hopefully he wouldn’t waste a lot of time and energy being upset about it.
Ah, got it. I agree.
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### Author:  [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)
#### Post date: [April 21, 2010, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-howd-you-feel-about-you-or-your-ex-keeping-the-last-name/536862/28 "2010-04-21T21:42:45Z")
I took my late husband’s name and it rocks as my professional name. I probably won’t change it (at least in professional situations) if I marry again.
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### Author:  [@Nocturne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nocturne)
#### Post date: [April 21, 2010, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-howd-you-feel-about-you-or-your-ex-keeping-the-last-name/536862/29 "2010-04-21T22:35:07Z")
I’ve kept my ex’s name for two big reasons.
1. It was a huge hassle getting the name changed in the first place and now it’s all over all of my accounts and other places where you’d use a last name. I loathe the idea of having to change everything back to my maiden name because I do plan to marry again in 2012 and I don’t understand changing everything just to change it all AGAIN in two years.
2. His family have basically disowned him and embraced me since the divorce (because his behaviour led to the divorce and because he is a worthless human being anyway). I consider them all secondary mum and dad and brothers, so it makes it nice to share SOMETHING with them.
He remarried as quickly as he legally could after our divorce and his wife also has his very-uncommon last name. I don’t care if they think I should still be using it or not. Like I said, worthless human beings.
When I remarry, I intend to do what I did with the first marriage, and go by my First Name + Maiden Name + NewLastName.
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### Author:  [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)
#### Post date: [April 21, 2010, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-howd-you-feel-about-you-or-your-ex-keeping-the-last-name/536862/30 "2010-04-21T22:40:55Z")
hummm…
my situation is really strange. I had a name, he had a name. We wanted the same last name, but I didn’t like his and he didn’t want mine. So I took a NEW last name via a legal name change and he changed his name to match mine when we married.
We got divorced. I went back to my original maiden name (which I still have, even after remarrying). He kept “my” last name, remarried and she took “my” last name.
I’m mostly amused by the whole thing.
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### Author:  [@Perciful](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Perciful)
#### Post date: [April 21, 2010, 11:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-howd-you-feel-about-you-or-your-ex-keeping-the-last-name/536862/31 "2010-04-21T23:05:32Z")
I kept his name because no one could spell or pronounce my maiden name.
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### Author:  [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)
#### Post date: [April 22, 2010, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-howd-you-feel-about-you-or-your-ex-keeping-the-last-name/536862/32 "2010-04-22T00:52:45Z")
> [@Perciful](#):
>
> I kept his name because no one could spell or pronounce my maiden name.
I think that’s why I would keep my married name. Either that or pick a whole new one for myself. A nice, easy one.
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### Author:  [@kapri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kapri)
#### Post date: [April 22, 2010, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-howd-you-feel-about-you-or-your-ex-keeping-the-last-name/536862/33 "2010-04-22T01:06:01Z")
It’s amazing to me that you started this thread, because just yesterday I was the victim of an unprovoked cyber-attack from my ex-husband’s new wife, who is apparently upset that I kept his last name. He and I didn’t have kids, but he has a fairly unusual last name while my maiden name is pretty common. I wrote a lot of books under his last name, and I don’t want to lose my association with those books, so I kept the name. Apparently this is scandalous? Huh.
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### Author:  [@Fair\_Rarity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fair_Rarity)
#### Post date: [April 22, 2010, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-howd-you-feel-about-you-or-your-ex-keeping-the-last-name/536862/34 "2010-04-22T01:13:50Z")
> [@thirdwarning](#):
>
> Changing back to my maiden name was just about the first thing I talked to the lawyer about when I got divorced from my first husband. I couldn’t shed him or his name fast enough. And I really didn’t want to be associated with his loser family any longer than I had to be.
Hahaha me too.
Actually, I haven’t changed it on my license because I need to change my social security card first and I can’t change my social security card until I change my license. :rolleyes:
I can get a special form from the court, but it costs a lot, on top of the license-changing fees. It was 100 times easier to change it when I got married than when I got divorced.
But everything I use often has my maiden name and my license never gets used.
As much as I despise my ex and his family with the power of a 1000 suns and do not ever call myself that name on purpose, I actually don’t mind much if people call me by it. I mean, I correct them if they ask which I prefer, but otherwise I let it go because I don’t want to be _that_ person, especially if it’s someone I’m never going to talk to again.
I also wasn’t married for very long, so it was easy to go back because it wasn’t like I had decades of being Mrs.
I also wish I never changed it in the first place. If I ever get married again, I might be socially Mrs 2nd husband, but I will legally stay Ms Maiden Name.
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### Author:  [@MsChilePepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsChilePepper)
#### Post date: [April 22, 2010, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-howd-you-feel-about-you-or-your-ex-keeping-the-last-name/536862/35 "2010-04-22T01:23:48Z")
I switched back to using my maiden name socially before I was actually divorced, and changed it back legally when we finally filed. In retrospect, I wish I hadn’t taken his in the first place, but at the time, I thought we’d have kids together, and I’m traditional enough in that respect that I figured it would be easier all around if we all shared a surname.
I was glad to shed his name because not only was I done with him, but it was a name that always, always instigated stupid questions (think fabled music festival of the 60s), and I was sick of that. My first name + birth surname is alliterative, and I really like it, so I was glad to change back. If I ever remarry, I won’t change my name again.
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### Author:  [@DivineComedienne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DivineComedienne)
#### Post date: [April 22, 2010, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-howd-you-feel-about-you-or-your-ex-keeping-the-last-name/536862/36 "2010-04-22T02:15:37Z")
My maiden name was long and difficult to spell (of Italian origin). I gladly changed my name to my new husband’s because it was simple and basic.
When we divorced, I kept his name because it was a pain to change everything over, and so I would have the same last name as our son. The fact that me keeping the name was an annoyance to my ex-husband was a bonus.
When I remarried, I was reluctant to change the name again because of the hassle and the issue with my son’s name, and my second husband’s name is unpleasant-sounding; plus I admit I liked annoying my ex. So I went the way of “Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis”, “Jada Pinkett Smith” and “Hilary Rodham Clinton”, and used “FirstName FirstHusbandName SecondHusbandName” with no hyphens officially, although the staff at my son’s school still called me “Mrs. FirstHusbandName” and people at work called me by my second husband’s name.
I am in the process of divorcing my second husband, and had to pick a last name. I have no attachment to either husband’s name, because I have found that the school staff will call me whatever I tell them to call me; they don’t ask to see my drivers license. But I don’t want to go back to my difficult maiden name; I want to have something that’s easy to spell and remember, and sounds pleasant to the ear. My sister suggested “Disney”. I considered using my mother’s maiden name, but I have no attachment to that either. I wanted something that is all my own, so I chose a shortened modification of my maiden name that is easy to spell and remember.
I figure the schools will still refer to me by my son’s name, if I tell them to; I’m not sure if I will bother to tell my coworkers to call me by a new name (I don’t mind answering to the one I use now), but my official records will have my new name.
I will miss annoying my first husband, though.
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### Author:  [@Corrvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Corrvin)
#### Post date: [April 22, 2010, 10:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-howd-you-feel-about-you-or-your-ex-keeping-the-last-name/536862/37 "2010-04-22T10:45:23Z")
At the time I got married (1995) Oklahoma didn’t have any place on the marriage license to indicate your new name. (They do now, by the way.) It had your name before marriage, but you didn’t sign it AFTER the marriage at all, the witnesses and celebrant did. After the hassle this caused with my husband changing his name, we got smart about it and went to the university and got official transcripts, which (a) were “state documents” according to most agencies and (b) showed BOTH names, former and current.
So when we divorced three years later, we had it written into the divorce explicitly as “(my married name) shall revert to her former name of (my name before we married) and (my husband’s name) shall revert to his former name of (his name before we married).”
My ex would’ve kept my name, I think, but after a quick informal poll which indicated that women who like to change their name at marriage don’t like taking their new husband’s ex-wife’s name, he decided to change it back. If he’d wanted to keep it, that would’ve been fine with me, though.
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### Author:  [@AnnaLucretia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AnnaLucretia)
#### Post date: [April 22, 2010, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-howd-you-feel-about-you-or-your-ex-keeping-the-last-name/536862/38 "2010-04-22T13:21:43Z")
I took my husband’s name when I married for the first time. When we divorced, I actually took my MIDDLE name as my last name - my reasoning was that 1. it’s a family name too, 2. I didn’t want to go back to my maiden name - it felt like a regression, and 3. our son was so young that he wouldn’t care one way or the other. It was the best thing I have ever done - I have a name that I’ve had since birth, that sounds pretty and suits me, honors my family and identifies me in a unique and memorable way.
When I remarried I kept my name, so me, my husband and my son all have different last names. No one seems too confused by it.
I like my name now!
Anna
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### Author:  [@Snickers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snickers)
#### Post date: [April 22, 2010, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-howd-you-feel-about-you-or-your-ex-keeping-the-last-name/536862/39 "2010-04-22T18:55:19Z")
My sister-in-law is in a kind of interesting situation. She’s dating a great guy who’s recently divorced, and things are going really well. (They’ve been friends for a long time.) However, she shares a first name with her boyfriend’s ex - something like my SIL goes by “Jen” and his ex goes by “Jenny.” “Jenny” changed her last name to boyfriend’s when they married.
We were down visiting recently, and it came up that should SIL and boyfriend get married, she’ll have the same name as his ex (who may or may not change hers back; no one seemed to know.). I don’t know if that weirds boyfriend out at all, but I think it would me.
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### Author:  [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)
#### Post date: [April 22, 2010, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-howd-you-feel-about-you-or-your-ex-keeping-the-last-name/536862/40 "2010-04-22T20:03:04Z")
Our situation was a little different because my first wife not only took my last name, but my first name as well. Made things complicated as all hell. I don’t know what we were thinking.
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