# Divorced dopers, I need your help **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 20, 2006, 6:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-i-need-your-help/377257 "2006-10-20T18:00:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 8\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2006, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-i-need-your-help/377257/21 "2006-10-20T20:14:54Z")
[QUOTE=ShelliBean] I pretty much gave it word for word what my friend said (it’s almost 4 years later and I still remember). But I’m the kind of person that appreciates directness. Some people may need more soft-pedal approaches. [/QUOTE] No surprise you remember; it was a major positive turning point for you. I also agree; however, how firm/soft the approach should be is not a judgment call anyone on the dope can make. [QUOTE=jsgoddess] She whines around about how filing will make her a divorcee, how it will mean that she’s immoral(?), and how it will make him right. And she keeps saying, “But he sued me. But he sued me.” [/QUOTE] Sorry, I just caught this, otherwise I would have said something sooner. I heard similar arguments from my friend. I still can’t figure out how she thought it was immoral. Even the most devoted Christians (and many of other faiths as well) will admit there’s cases where divorce is a justified and moral decision. You mentioned he’s seeing other women… that sounds like infidelity to me. Though its hard to judge exactly what “mean” and “awful” mean… even if its _only_ emotional abuse, (as if its somehow less severe than physical abuse, its still abuse nonetheless. Not to mention HE left HER… that sounds like abandonment to me. In my opinion, infidelity, abuse, and abandonment are not so much moral justifications for divorce, but I’d say they all but morally necessitate it. This guy is doing ALL of them. At this point, it shouldn’t be about him at all. It doesn’t matter whether he’s “proved right” or not. She needs to take care of herself, and that means filing for divorce and alimony, and stopping feeling sorry for herself. Of course, I know that’s not a tactful way to say it, so PLEASE use your own words. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2006, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-i-need-your-help/377257/22 "2006-10-20T20:21:40Z")
[QUOTE=A.R. Cane] I’m beginning to see the husbands side of this, maybe you should step back and reevaluate this friendship? [/QUOTE] Generally, I would tend to agree; however, seldom is one party completely blameless in these sorts of situations. In fact, these sorts of situations tend to bring out the worst in people and it may not be “fair” to reevaluate the friendship at this time. Still, even if she utlimately decides to terminate the friendship or just not to be so close to her in the future, I still imagine she loves her enough now that she doesn’t want to cut and run. Hell, even if she decides now she wants to end it, I wouldn’t wish a state of self-pity on anyone. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2006, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-i-need-your-help/377257/23 "2006-10-20T20:44:55Z")
[QUOTE=jsgoddess] That’s what I can’t understand. The lawyer situation kinda loses me. They shared a house in one state, and she lived there while he commuted to another state for contract work. Since he said he was leaving, she left her house and came to Ohio and got a lawyer. He stayed in the other state. He filed for divorce in the state where they lived, but the Ohio lawyer says that it’s no good because she’s never been served. Ohio lawyer says she should file, soon, and that she is a candidate for alimony if she files in Ohio but not if she files in the state where they were living. She whines around about how filing will make her a divorcee, how it will mean that she’s immoral(?), and how it will make him right. And she keeps saying, “But he _sued_ me. But he _sued_ me.” Then he calls her and shrieks about how she’s ruining his life and driving him to bankruptcy, and then she says that she’ll happily get divorced if he gives her $10 thousand a month and the house and all of their joint property. And god, I’m ranting. I haven’t gone through a divorce, so I can’t really understand what she’s feeling. [/QUOTE] Well.. this sounds like your friend has unreasonable financial expectations, and may be getting played by her atty to some extent if he’s telling her there’s an alimony pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. And if she’s using mom’s money in this scenario God know how long this drama will take. Unless her soon to be ex husband is extraordinary wealthy, the applicable state laws are going to dictate the methodology by which the property is divided not your friend’s drama, nor her attorney, regardless of what her lawyer is blowing up her skirts re potential alimony etc. Also, alimony is getting rarer and rarer unless you have an older wife who has devoted herself solely to being a housewife, and is old enough that getting decent job is not feasible, and this does not sound like your friend’s situation. It is not unknown for divorce lawyers (esp with well off female clients) to engage in “churning” or useless motions and “make work” when they sense the woman wants to punish the husband or simply make a big production out the divorce. s long as momma is paying the bills you had best pull up an easy chair & settle in as this production is likely to take quite a spell. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2006, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-i-need-your-help/377257/24 "2006-10-20T20:57:51Z")
[Ohio alimony faq](Ohio Spousal Support (Alimony) FAQ’s) Based on your description of the situation and the alimony guidelines I don’t think your friend should necessarily be banking on a bunch of alimony. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2006, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-i-need-your-help/377257/25 "2006-10-20T20:59:06Z")
[QUOTE=astro] [Ohio alimony faq](Ohio Spousal Support (Alimony) FAQ’s) Based on your description of the situation and the alimony guidelines I don’t think your friend should necessarily be banking on a bunch of alimony. [/QUOTE] [This link works](http://www.divorcenet.com/states/ohio/ohfaq05) ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2006, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-i-need-your-help/377257/26 "2006-10-20T21:21:58Z")
[QUOTE=astro] Based on your description of the situation and the alimony guidelines I don’t think your friend should necessarily be banking on a bunch of alimony. [/QUOTE] I don’t think, honestly, she should be banking on any. But despite having a college degree she has never supported herself. Her husband was making mid-6 figures as far as I understand it, but they were apparently blowing all of it, and turning to her mother for help when estimated taxes came due. So the lifestyle she was accustomed to was extravagant and, in my opinion, ludicrous. I didn’t know about the borrowing until the divorce came up. I do rather look at it and think “Whelp, the fun ride is over. Time to enter the real world!” but that’s not a particularly uplifting thing to say. Whenever I bring up anything about her getting a job, she says I’m depressing to be around. Her mother confided in me that she didn’t “know Jenny was so immature.” Not going to drop her, though. She’s a good person, very smart and funny, otherwise kind to people and animals, and just temporarily (I hope) fucked in the head. ---
**Author:** ![Gfactor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9de053/32.png) [@Gfactor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gfactor)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2006, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-i-need-your-help/377257/27 "2006-10-20T21:22:42Z")
How long was she married? ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [October 20, 2006, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-i-need-your-help/377257/28 "2006-10-20T21:26:06Z")
[QUOTE=Gfactor] How long was she married? [/QUOTE] I think right about 15 years when he said he was leaving. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-dopers-i-need-your-help/377257.md?page=1)