# Divorced parents, what should I expect? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 24, 2010, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-parents-what-should-i-expect/540575 "2010-05-24T15:09:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-parents-what-should-i-expect/540575/41 "2010-05-25T20:13:22Z")
> [@astro](#): > > b. CUSTODY RIGHTS. Insist on 50/50. Do not let her jerk you around. Do not agree to any diminution of custody rights. You will need to fight on this. Eventually you will get less than 50/50, but starting from a lower posture makes your bargaining position much weaker. Not necessarily. I have 50/50 physical & legal custody. We switch houses every Monday. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-parents-what-should-i-expect/540575/42 "2010-05-25T20:25:55Z")
> [@Belrix](#): > > Not necessarily. > > I have 50/50 physical & legal custody. We switch houses every Monday. That’s pretty unusual, but interesting to know it’s an option. ---
**Author:** ![VarlosZ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d78d45/32.png) [@VarlosZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VarlosZ)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-parents-what-should-i-expect/540575/43 "2010-05-25T20:40:52Z")
Get a lawyer, protect yourself, and insist on equal custody. However, keep the lines of communication open and do whatever is possible to keep this from being explicitly adversarial. If you push, she will push back, and the only sure result in that case is that this will be longer, more miserable, and more expensive. Maybe it comes to that anyway, but pray that it doesn’t. My parents split when I was 6, and it was as amicable as these things can be. There were no lawyers or hearings, they worked out a custody schedule, and since they stayed friendly and respectful toward each other the schedule was flexible and I wasn’t traumatized or embittered. This doesn’t have to turn into a catastrophe; admittedly, that’s not entirely up to you, but do your part to see that it doesn’t. Good luck. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-parents-what-should-i-expect/540575/44 "2010-05-25T21:17:35Z")
> [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > So how does one choose a lawyer? I’ve called my help line twice now and so far no call backs. I’m giving them until the end of the day and then I’ll have to find one on my own. But how do I know a good one, or one that knows what they are doing. I went through this once before, 10 years ago, and my exes lawyer couldn’t even spell so I’d like to avoid someone like that. My mom is one of the nation’s experts in family law. She knows people around the country. I can ask her if she can recommend someone in your area. ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-parents-what-should-i-expect/540575/45 "2010-05-25T21:20:40Z")
Well now I have to wonder where she’s getting her money. She says she’s put a retainer on a lawyer, in this area it’s 1300 or so, plus she’s found a place to rent, at least 1300 a month plus 1000 or so deposit. So over 3000 that she’s got to have somewhere. Well I found a lawyer, though I’m not sure I want one who uses some golf nickname for an email address, how hard is it to get even a gmail account? So I’ve gone from being upset to getting mad. I should have a good workout in the pool tonight, lots of things to work off. I should have a lot to tell the counselor tomorrow. I also get to see my kids tomorrow night, which will be nice. ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-parents-what-should-i-expect/540575/46 "2010-05-25T21:21:50Z")
> [@OpalCat](#): > > My mom is one of the nation’s experts in family law. She knows people around the country. I can ask her if she can recommend someone in your area. That would be good. I don’t mind paying, but I still can’t see going to someone who has a dumb email address. I might try giving you a call later. ---
**Author:** ![VarlosZ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d78d45/32.png) [@VarlosZ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VarlosZ)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-parents-what-should-i-expect/540575/47 "2010-05-25T21:24:51Z")
> [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > Well now I have to wonder where she’s getting her money. She says she’s put a retainer on a lawyer, in this area it’s 1300 or so, plus she’s found a place to rent, at least 1300 a month plus 1000 or so deposit. So over 3000 that she’s got to have somewhere. She been saving it up. Generally, women don’t do this sort of thing impulsively – she’s had an exit strategy for a while now. ---
**Author:** ![Belrix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed655f/32.png) [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-parents-what-should-i-expect/540575/48 "2010-05-25T22:08:33Z")
Heck, a coworker had his wife tell him she was leaving him. She packed the next day and moved into the _house she had closed on_ earlier that month. Now that’s planning ahead. …or she’s charging it to credit cards or gifted from family. Be prepared to hear how you victimized them all. She has to justify leaving you and lying about her life is an easy way to do that. I both emotionally and physically abused my wife, was an alcoholic and was suicidal (if you believed the stories about me told by her). ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-parents-what-should-i-expect/540575/49 "2010-05-25T22:22:39Z")
> [@VarlosZ](#): > > She been saving it up. Generally, women don’t do this sort of thing impulsively – she’s had an exit strategy for a while now. Going to have to agree, she must have been putting extra money away as she’s taken her check book which I’ve never seen her use. _shrug_ Oh well. ---
**Author:** ![gravitycrash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/977dab/32.png) [@gravitycrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gravitycrash)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-parents-what-should-i-expect/540575/50 "2010-05-25T23:28:03Z")
Does this have to be adversarial? I know you’re pissed off since it sounds like she’s had this planned for quite some time. I wasted countless thousands of dollars because I was hurt that she had been cheating on me and I wanted to make it as hard and drawn out for her as possible. Nine months later and still no resolution in site and drinking myself stupid every night I decided to e-mail her and see if we had any common ground at all. It turns out that she was willing to compromise on some things and yes, in a few cases the lawyers did make the situation worse just because of the wording in some of the documents and going through the process. Just saying. In the end we decided to go with her lawyer and things got settled to both of our satisfaction in about two months. Just don’t go into this with revenge on your mind because it will cost you more in money and anguish. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-parents-what-should-i-expect/540575/51 "2010-05-25T23:33:08Z")
Did I miss something where **Edward the Head** said his wife was having an affair and threatening to take him for all he has and make shit up to use against him in court? Because people sure are jumping to an awful lot of conclusions based on very little information. ‘‘Brace yourself for the exact same experience I had! Because every divorce is like mine! And every woman is an evil bitch out to get you!’’ Give me a fucking break. My mother married four times from the time I was born to the time I turned ten, and only the last divorce was sort of nasty. The others were pretty much non-events in my life, other than changing schools. I know plenty of people who divorced amicably, who remained close enough that they are still next-door neighbors and spend holidays together as a family. It doesn’t have to be a shitfest unless you choose to make it one. The single most important conversation you can have with your wife, in my opinion, is how concerned you are for the kids and making this as non-traumatic as possible for them. That means agreeing to be civil in the divorce proceedings. I’ve seen it go bad, believe me. My husband’s parents’ divorce is the ugliest and most destructive I have ever seen. They fought in court over custody issues from the time his little sister was 12 to her 18th birthday. I mean 6 years after the divorce was finalized they were still involved in legal shit. It completely messed up my SIL for quite a while–she became very self-destructive (drinking, acting out sexually, cutting, stealing) and her problems were basically ignored because her parents were too busy trying to get back at one another. She has grown up a lot but she is still extremely bitter about it. It doesn’t matter to me who caused the divorce. I think they are both complete fucking tools and there is NO EXCUSE for what they put their children through. It is the epitome of selfishness to participate in that game, and it is a CHOICE you both have. I get that divorce hurts, and there is bitterness and rage, but the desire to exorcise those demons should always be sublimated to the needs of the children. ---
**Author:** ![AClockworkMelon](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aclockworkmelon/32/10803_2.png) [@AClockworkMelon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AClockworkMelon)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2010, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-parents-what-should-i-expect/540575/52 "2010-05-25T23:34:01Z")
> [@Belrix](#): > > I both emotionally and physically abused my wife. Do I have your permission to use this in my signature? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-parents-what-should-i-expect/540575/53 "2010-05-26T00:07:04Z")
> [@Edward\_The\_Head](#): > > That would be good. I don’t mind paying, but I still can’t see going to someone who has a dumb email address. I might try giving you a call later. Sent you a PM with a name. ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-parents-what-should-i-expect/540575/54 "2010-05-26T02:19:53Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > Did I miss something where **Edward the Head** said his wife was having an affair and threatening to take him for all he has and make shit up to use against him in court? There was nothing to miss as I haven’t said that. I also don’t think she has been either as there aren’t any signs of it. > [@](#): > > It completely messed up my SIL for quite a while–she became very self-destructive (drinking, acting out sexually, cutting, stealing) and her problems were basically ignored And this is the kind of stuff I’d like to avoid with my children. My father never bad mouthed my mother, my mother did though. I was just looking for other people experiences and such. It’s damn hard when you’re used to having a family and then one day they’re just not there. ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 3:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-parents-what-should-i-expect/540575/55 "2010-05-26T03:40:16Z")
> [@olivesmarch4th](#): > > Did I miss something where **Edward the Head** said his wife was having an affair and threatening to take him for all he has and make shit up to use against him in court? Because people sure are jumping to an awful lot of conclusions based on very little information. > > ‘‘Brace yourself for the exact same experience I had! Because every divorce is like mine! And every woman is an evil bitch out to get you!’’ > > Give me a fucking break. Great that your mother was civil, but the vast majority of the time a divorce notice is packaged and delivered the way the OP described his scenario there is an absolute commitment to the divorce, and it has been long in planning. It is not a not an invitation to reason, it is a carefully planned stealth attack that has been planned for some time. Beyond this, you have two young kids in the mix. Assuming the OP is not being disingenuous re his puzzlement there is a near 100% chance that there is another man involved. None of this bodes well for a smooth exit. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 10:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-parents-what-should-i-expect/540575/56 "2010-05-26T10:33:58Z")
> [@Belrix](#): > > …or she’s charging it to credit cards or gifted from family. Or from a new special “friend.” ---
**Author:** ![Edward\_The\_Head](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ce73a5/32.png) [@Edward\_The\_Head](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Edward_The_Head)\ **Post date:** [May 26, 2010, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-parents-what-should-i-expect/540575/57 "2010-05-26T17:10:14Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > You sound resolved that you’re getting a divorce. A divorce is a long way away. Don’t act like it’s a done deal. Check out marriage forums like the one at [http://www.marriagebuilders.com](http://www.marriagebuilders.com) or others. They will be able to give you good advice to save your marriage. Thanks for the link, I’ve been looking it over, but haven’t gone to the forums yet. I did print out some of the questionnaires and am going to see if she’ll try them. I don’t think we’re getting a divorce just yet though. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/divorced-parents-what-should-i-expect/540575.md?page=2)