Awww. It looks like Puss N Boots.
I have wondered about this, not being a cat owner. Is there not some kind of OTC cat sedative that can be used for this purpose? I imagine it might have all kinds of other uses too.
Most veterinarians prescribe a drug from the promazine group, such as acepromazine. I would hesitate to suggest anything OTC. Most OTC sedatives are either dangerous or ineffective in cats.
How do you feel about getting them stoned out of their gourds on catnip? It’s the only way I can brush our boy. He thinks the brush is a catnip dispenser.
How to Wash a Cat, six minute video with audio.
Or, if you prefer, written instructions.
We used to wash ours in the kitchen sink, but now that we have a stall shower, we find that preferable. My husband installed one of the handheld shower heads, so he gets in there with the cats (while I hold the door closed!). When he’s done, I bundle them in towels to dry them off.
We do it because they start to smell offensive in a couple of months. It also keeps the shedding down somewhat, and they are incredibly soft once they dry.
Here’s some step-by-step instructions…
Know that although the cat has the advantage of quickness and lack of concern for human life, you have the advantage of strength. Capitalize on that advantage by selecting the battlefield. Don’t try to bathe him in an open area where he can force you to chase him. Pick a very small bathroom. If your bathroom is more than four feet square, I recommend that you get in the tub with the cat and close the sliding-glass doors as if you were about to take a shower. (A simple shower curtain will not do. A berserk cat can shred a three-ply rubber shower curtain quicker than a politician can shift positions.)
Know that a cat has claws and will not hesitate to remove all the skin from your body. Your advantage here is that you are smart and know how to dress to protect yourself. I recommend canvas overalls tucked into high-top construction boots, a pair of steel-mesh gloves, an army helmet, a hockey face mask and a long-sleeve flak jacket.
Prepare everything in advance. There is no time to go out for a towel when you have a cat digging a hole in your flak jacket. Draw the water. Make sure the bottle of kitty shampoo is inside the glass enclosure. Make sure the towel can be reached, even if you are lying on your back in the tepid water.
Use the element of surprise. Pick up your cat nonchalantly, as if to simply carry him to his supper dish. (Cats will not usually notice your strange attire. They have little or no interest in fashion as a rule. If he does notice your garb, calmly explain that you are taking part in a product testing experiment for J.C. Penney. Cats are gullible that way!)
Once you are inside the bathroom, speed is essential to survival. In a single liquid motion, shut the bathroom door, step into the tub enclosure, slide the glass door shut, dip the cat in the water and squirt him with shampoo. You have begun one of the wildest 45 seconds of your life. Cats have no handles when wet. Add the fact that he now has soapy fur, and the problem is radically compounded. Do not expect to hold on to him for more that two or three seconds at a time. When you have him, however, you must remember to give him another squirt of shampoo and rub like crazy. He’ll then spring free and fall back into the water, thereby rinsing himself off. (The national record is – for cats – three latherings, so don’t expect too much.)
Next, the cat must be dried. Novice cat bathers always assume this part will be the most difficult, for humans generally are worn out at this point and the cat is just getting really determined. In fact, the drying is simple compared to what you have just been through. That’s because by now the cat is semi-permanently affixed to your right leg. You simply pop the drain plug with your foot, reach for your towel and wait. (Occasionally, however, the cat will end up clinging to the top of your army helmet. If this happens, the best thing you can do is to shake him loose and to encourage him toward your leg.) After all the water is drained from the tub, it is a simple matter to just reach down and dry the cat.
In a few days the cat will relax enough to be removed from your leg. He will usually have nothing to say for about three weeks and will spend a lot of time sitting with his back to you. He might even become psycho-ceramic and develop the fixed stare of a plaster figurine. You will be tempted to assume he is angry. This isn’t usually the case. As a rule he is simply plotting ways to get through your defenses and injure you for life the next time you decide to give him a bath. But, at least now he smells a lot better.
WhyNot? 
Is that your work? A great deal of it has been lifted from the video I linked above.
No, I linked to it in the next post…I’d closed the window and then had to find it again and couldn’t edit the first post.
See my thread on the Invasion of the Fleas – we’ve just finished washing our four cats for the FIFTH time. Even Lotta, our most timid and long-suffering cat, had enough, and she dug her claws into my forearms and stalked out of the bath against my efforts to hold her there. That was Friday. I still have holes in my arms.
But cats don’t get baths against fleas in the Wild. This was necessary.
And Low Heat on the dryer.
We had a few cats – one at a time – when I was growing up. We never washed them, and they never seemed to need it. We always thought they cleaned themselves.
My experience with bathing cats:
(1) A very large Maine coone cat who would get mats of hair under her legs (we called these her “armpits” although I guess that’s not technically accurate). Had her professionally groomed once a year; she came back all fluffy and arrogant. Seemed happy enough to be really, really clean.
(2) A kitten who got chased up a tree by bigger cats and beshat himself. We were a lot bigger than he was and figured we could wash him, no problem. I am amazed that the neighbors didn’t report us for torturing a cat, or for violating the noise ordinance–I mean, for the cat violating the noise ordinance. In 13 years we never washed him again, or needed to.
(3) A white kitten/cat who quite often got grease on her coat. She was deaf, and washing her was not a problem because we could immediately dry her with the hair dryer. She didn’t love it but she didn’t hate it, either.
(4) Current tuxedo cat. Needed a bath when rescued. Washed once. Seven years ago. Did not like it. Left marks.
Have owned several other cats who were never human-washed and they all seemed clean enough, until you looked at the things they rubbed up against (edges of doors, for instance).
Conclusion: Cats don’t need to be washed all that often.
Compare with dogs:
(1) Beagle-dachsund mix, washed approximately weekly. Not wildly enthusiastic about the procedure. Smelled like a dog anyway.
(2) Brittany spaniel. Washed monthly, or when needed (as in, when she’d been skunked). Would hide when we got the dog shampoo out, but acceded once she’d been caught and put up with it.
(3) Australian cattle dog/German shepherd mix. Needed a bath every couple of months. Not wild about them but put up with the procedure.
(4) Shepherd/husky/chow mix. Same as (3).
All of the dogs were happy to jump into any body of water, whatever the weather, so whatever bothered them about being bathed, it wasn’t being cold & wet.
One current cat (not the tuxedo cat, but the spotted tabby) will get into the shower with family members. We have not tried actually washing him, as he doesn’t need it, but he doesn’t seem to mind getting wet. None of the other cats liked getting wet at all.
I R Hatz Bath. Kn I HV CHZBRGR INSTD?
On Judge Judy (I know, I know, but I like the programme) a woman sued the owner of a pet grooming salon because a cat bit her when she was washing it, she reckons the cat should have been muzzled.
Yeah right
Here’s the bather safe way to wash the cat. No more ripped up arms. It’s a video clip. Pet Spa!