# Do girls find guys being "nice" off putting? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 17, 2003, 9:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-girls-find-guys-being-nice-off-putting/175868 "2003-05-17T09:57:43Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 6\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Francesca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2003, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-girls-find-guys-being-nice-off-putting/175868/81 "2003-05-21T17:45:01Z")
**ParentalAdvisory** , that’s **Ruadh’s** _exact point_ - it’s a stereotype. It’s not true. ---
**Author:** ![SlowMindThinking](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@SlowMindThinking](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlowMindThinking)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2003, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-girls-find-guys-being-nice-off-putting/175868/82 "2003-05-21T18:14:59Z")
> [@](#): > > ("O.J. Simpson is nailing a supermodel right now, Charles Manson gets a dozen marriage proposals in the mail every week… and I can’t get a date?!? Great. Now, I’ve got popcorn all over my desk, monitor, and floor. 😛 > [@](#): > > 35" biceps !!! My waist is 32"!!! > [@](#): > > Have you ever noticed how if you are with someone that tons of the opposite sex suddenly start seeming as if they are attracted to you? And you are thinking “where were THEY when I was alone for 5 @$#@ years???” You know, when I was in college I figured that women had a built in meter that told them how long since your last date. I had no idea it happened to both genders. I do recall a study on guppies that in which male guppies that had just spawned, because of the experimental set up, were more likely to mate with other guppies. Perhaps we’re built to pick up on subtle signals like that. (Well, if he/she isn’t good enough for anyone else, why would he/she be good enough for me…) ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2003, 6:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-girls-find-guys-being-nice-off-putting/175868/83 "2003-05-21T18:26:40Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by astorian \* > That is, NO woman ever said, “Astorian is perfect for me- if only he weren’t so nice! If only he’d be mean and rotten to me, I could really fall in love with him.” No, more likely, there were a lot of women thinking “Astorian is really nice, he’s just a little too \_ for me.” And a lot of negative adjectives could be fairly and reasonably inserted in that blank: “dull,” “nerdy,” “overweight,” “neurotic.” > > Any “nice guys” recognize themselves there? I don’t deny that women’s standards can be screwy, but I ask the nice guys to be honest with themselves. Is the problem REALLY that women think you’re too nice, or is the real problem that you’re nice BUT …"? \*\* See, now I find it kind of sad that anyone would insert negative reasons why someone of the opposite sex (or partner of their choice) would not be interested in pursuing a relationship with them. I once dated a real stud of a guy, he was sweet, good-looking, fairly well off and not only that, he played a guitar, and we sang beautiful harmony. But “IT” just wasn’t there. When we kissed, in the wonderfully goofy words of Leah Thompson’s Lenore McFly in Back to the Future “it’s like kissing my brother”!!! People of both sexes need to realize that most times, it’s not ABOUT them, it’s about the other person, and it doesn’t necessarily mean that they are filling in the “he’s too/not enough \_\_\_\_\_\_ for me” with a negative trait. ---
**Author:** ![Tamex](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ccd318/32.png) [@Tamex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tamex)\ **Post date:** [May 21, 2003, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-girls-find-guys-being-nice-off-putting/175868/84 "2003-05-21T18:34:08Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SNenc \* > **Women like you make life hell for guys like me.** :eek: Well, maybe it will make you feel better to know that I am married. What it really comes down to is that I don’t like playing the game, especially _all the time_. I’m not trying to make anybody’s life “hell”. (You’d think that I’d be making your life easier!) It’s like **Davebear** said…it’s tough to open the car door for someone when she’s already out of the car. I guess that I’m just uncomfortable playing the princess role. I know I’m not the only one. I mean, sometimes my child has been known to bristle at having to wait for me to do things for her, even though she really couldn’t do it herself! So, I think it’s a pretty natural reaction, myself. It’s occurred to me that we may be talking about different things here. I mean, my husband is nice–he does the sorts of things that **iampunha** and **davebear** do, and I like that a lot. I suppose that some may consider that “chivalry”. I consider it just “being nice”. I’m talking about the chivalry where, yes, the woman has to “play along” and wait for men to open doors and pull out chairs and place their coat over puddles and stuff like that and act like she is completely helpless all the time, or where the man is always leaping out to do those things in a subservient fashion. Yeah, that bothers me a bit. Maybe it’s just because the men I’ve met who do that sort of thing have turned me off in other ways, too. I don’t bite the head off of anybody who holds a door for me, though. I don’t demand or expect it, either. > [@](#): > > **Women get treated like crap in most societies and yet when a guy tries to do some little things to improve that situation, we get shit on for it. The nerve…** So, chivalry is a way to assuage male guilt, I take it :). Maybe that’s why it bothers me. ---
**Author:** ![Lux\_Fiat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bc79bd/32.png) [@Lux\_Fiat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lux_Fiat)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2003, 5:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-girls-find-guys-being-nice-off-putting/175868/85 "2003-05-22T05:43:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by SNenc \* > You know why we do it? Not because we think you need the help, but because we think you _deserve_ to be treated nicely. Wha? “Deserve?” How do you know she doesn’t while away her spare hours strangling kittens? Anyone with a uterus _deserves_ to be treated nicely? I can’t support that, man. Also, I would think that for many women (and men), nice treatment might include not being subjected to constant, ostentatious attention to their gender. ---
**Author:** ![Davebear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bcef8e/32.png) [@Davebear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Davebear)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2003, 11:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-girls-find-guys-being-nice-off-putting/175868/86 "2003-05-22T11:35:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Tamex \* > \*\*What it really comes down to is that I don’t like playing the game, especially _all the time_. I’m not trying to make anybody’s life “hell”. (You’d think that I’d be making your life easier!) It’s like **Davebear** said…it’s tough to open the car door for someone when she’s already out of the car. I guess that I’m just uncomfortable playing the princess role. I know I’m not the only one. I mean, sometimes my child has been known to bristle at having to wait for me to do things for her, even though she really couldn’t do it herself! So, I think it’s a pretty natural reaction, myself. > > So, chivalry is a way to assuage male guilt, I take it :). Maybe that’s why it bothers me. \*\* Maybe I gave the wrong impression. I have nothing against chivalry; I just think it’s very tough to pull off, these days. Too many women seem to feel the way you do, about it. It’s not about assuaging guilt. And, it’s not about making women feel inferior. Quite the contrary. It’s about making **one** woman feel special, for a while. It’s a courting ritual, not an insult. The men who employ chivalry, and I used to be one, know perfectly well that you can open your own car door, manage your own chair at the dinner table, etc. But, there’s only so much a man can do to show how special they think a woman is. We can only get so dressed up, without looking like clowns. Women can go over the top, with their hair, makeup, and clothing, when they want to signal that they consider a date special, and they get admiration and compliments for doing so. We can’t. So, all we really have is silly little things like holding doors and chairs. What _is_ an insult is when a woman refuses to “play along”. I think most men are used to it, nowadays, and may even expect it, but it’s still a slap in the face. Chivalry is a compliment, and it’s rude not to accept it as it’s intended. It’s the equivalent of your date/husband saying “_That’s_ what you’re wearing? All right, let’s go”, after you’ve spent two hours getting ready. Sure, it takes a little patience on the lady’s part, but you’re not three years old, any more. We routinely wait 20 minutes when you ladies go off to powder your noses. Is it too much to ask that you wait a few seconds, to allow us to hold the door for you, in return? > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Lux Fiat \* > \*\*Wha? “Deserve?” How do you know she doesn’t while away her spare hours strangling kittens? Anyone with a uterus deserves to be treated nicely? I can’t support that, man. > > Also, I would think that for many women (and men), nice treatment might include not being subjected to constant, ostentatious attention to their gender. > \*\* Dude, get a grip, would ya’? Or, a clue, maybe? Chivalry is not directed at random strangers, these days. We’re not knights errant, roaming the countryside seeking out damsels in distress. We’re on a date with a woman we think we know something about. _Could_ she be a kitten strangler? Sure, if it’s a new relationship. But, the assumption is that she isn’t, or we wouldn’t have asked her out. And, if a date isn’t all about gender, what _is_ it all about? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-girls-find-guys-being-nice-off-putting/175868.md?page=4)