# Do men and women have equal "relationship drive?" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 20, 2015, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-men-and-women-have-equal-relationship-drive/740892 "2015-12-20T02:18:21Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 16\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![GrumpyBunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bc8723/32.png) [@GrumpyBunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrumpyBunny)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2015, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-men-and-women-have-equal-relationship-drive/740892/21 "2015-12-21T12:40:44Z")
Single female here. Wish some of the single guys in my age group would ask me out. I’m attractive, highly amusing, and will try most activities at least once (just don’t make fun of me being clumsy!). Anyway, from my observations when I was in my 20s and early 30s, it looked like women had more relationship drive, because they wanted family and kids. I agree that settling down seemed to happen all around the same time for friends. And I agree that it can be tedious to be the only one who’s not married and doesn’t have kids; sometimes you become an outsider. Sigh. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2015, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-men-and-women-have-equal-relationship-drive/740892/22 "2015-12-21T13:26:39Z")
> [@GrumpyBunny](#): > > Single female here. Wish some of the single guys in my age group would ask me out. I’m attractive, highly amusing, and will try most activities at least once (just don’t make fun of me being clumsy!). > > Anyway, from my observations when I was in my 20s and early 30s, it looked like women had more relationship drive, because they wanted family and kids. I agree that settling down seemed to happen all around the same time for friends. And I agree that it can be tedious to be the only one who’s not married and doesn’t have kids; sometimes you become an outsider. Sigh. Why don’t you ask them out? ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2015, 4:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-men-and-women-have-equal-relationship-drive/740892/23 "2015-12-21T16:41:35Z")
> [@Toxylon](#): > > Not so sure about that. I’m a single male nerd, with dozens of peers. I don’t know any who were single by choice. Many are in dire straits over the lack of romantic relationships, as the years go by. The prevalence of [schizoid personality disorder](http://psychcentral.com/disorders/schizoid-personality-disorder-symptoms/) is higher in men than women. The pravlence of autism spectrum disorders and schizophrenic spectrum disorders are also greater in males. These disorders are often associated with an aversion to socializing and strong emotional attachments. Not surprisingly, you are not likely to know very many people who belong to these groups. They largly exist in the shadows of society. Like in their parents’ basements, addicted to fantasy lives and obsessive pursuits. Unfortunately, they also are among the homeless population. They tend not to have friends. They are invisible. I can totally believe that among psychologically “normal” males, the relationship drive is either the same or stronger than women’s. But “abnormal” males are much more extreme than “abnormal” females. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2015, 6:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-men-and-women-have-equal-relationship-drive/740892/24 "2015-12-21T18:05:19Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > My view is a little more cynical. I truly believe very few men like being married at all but they are afraid of the consequences if they decide to get out. Even if we accept this as true, I don’t think this says anything about relationship drive. A serial monogamist isn’t built for life-long commitments, but they hunger for relationships. This may be the case for many men (and women). After controlling for reproduction, I think women are more likely to associate status and financial security with relationships, while men are more likely to associate relationships with sex and socializing. As women acquire status and financial security independently from men, their relationship drive decreases. The same goes for men: when they have access to sex and socializing independently, they have less of a need for relationships. So the OP’s question depends on conditions on the ground. Currently, because it’s never been easier for a single woman to be judged a success in life, I feel confident in saying the average woman is less relationship-driven than she was in previous decades. But compared to men? I don’t know. Today, the average man can get laid without being in a relationship but probably not as frequently as he’d like. Can he socialize with others more readily than in the past? I don’t know. There may be more opportunities to socialize, but the quality is probably more superficial than in the past. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2015, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-men-and-women-have-equal-relationship-drive/740892/25 "2015-12-21T18:59:28Z")
From reading the posts in this thread, you might think men had greater relationship drive than women, yet the poll indicates the opposite. ---
**Author:** ![LSLGuy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lslguy/32/5813_2.png) [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2015, 9:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-men-and-women-have-equal-relationship-drive/740892/26 "2015-12-21T21:00:48Z")
Lots of commenters don’t vote (e.g. me) and lots of voters don’t comment. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2015, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-men-and-women-have-equal-relationship-drive/740892/27 "2015-12-21T21:03:51Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > Today, the average man can get laid without being in a relationship but probably not as frequently as he’d like. . Also true of married men. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2015, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-men-and-women-have-equal-relationship-drive/740892/28 "2015-12-21T21:15:46Z")
> [@Procrustus](#): > > Also true of married men. But as I pointed out earlier, you can be in a relationship without being married. These are not one and the same thing. ---
**Author:** ![Annadroid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/db5fbb/32.png) [@Annadroid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annadroid)\ **Post date:** [December 21, 2015, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-men-and-women-have-equal-relationship-drive/740892/29 "2015-12-21T22:13:58Z")
Answer #4. everyone is different. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-men-and-women-have-equal-relationship-drive/740892/30 "2015-12-22T05:20:15Z")
FWIW, is it true that women’s fantasies are often rather people-oriented (i.e., having a superb S/O or spouse, putting a bully or rival in their place, etc.) while men’s fantasies are often rather achievement-or-object-oriented (i.e., winning a Super Bowl, winning the lottery, being in a dream career, etc.)? ---
**Author:** ![drewder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/57b2e6/32.png) [@drewder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewder)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-men-and-women-have-equal-relationship-drive/740892/31 "2015-12-22T18:09:37Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I was going to say that men have a stronger relationship drive, but then I remembered that social loners are more likely to be male. So I don’t know. You assume that men who are loners, in their deepest heart of hearts, want to be loners. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-men-and-women-have-equal-relationship-drive/740892/32 "2015-12-22T21:07:35Z")
> [@Annadroid](#): > > Answer #4. everyone is different. Yes, but people as a group still have certain patterns or tendencies. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-men-and-women-have-equal-relationship-drive/740892/33 "2015-12-22T21:09:25Z")
So far, 15 votes for women and 8 for men. Those who voted women…explain? Not many comments for that side yet. ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-men-and-women-have-equal-relationship-drive/740892/34 "2015-12-22T21:14:08Z")
> [@drewder](#): > > You assume that men who are loners, in their deepest heart of hearts, want to be loners. And vice versa. I’ve been around plenty of women who describe themselves as shy but were at least as social as the average man. They may be anxious or introverted but feel like there is more pressure on them to be social, or at least sociable. Then again, they could also be judging themselves in comparison to the idealized outgoing extrovert who is actually fairly rare. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [December 22, 2015, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-men-and-women-have-equal-relationship-drive/740892/35 "2015-12-22T22:16:40Z")
> [@drewder](#): > > You assume that men who are loners, in their deepest heart of hearts, want to be loners. I do not believe that Ted Kazincki was an undercover extrovert. Believe it or not, there really are people who do not like socializing and detest relationships. Are you doubting that these people exist? ---
**Author:** ![P-man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/p-man/32/3606_2.png) [@P-man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/P-man)\ **Post date:** [December 23, 2015, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-men-and-women-have-equal-relationship-drive/740892/36 "2015-12-23T01:44:21Z")
My wife and I are both introverted. While my social anxiety usually kept me from making the first move, she would push though even though she was afraid (lucky for me). My twenties were a constant battle between the desire for a relationship and being terrified of rejection. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-men-and-women-have-equal-relationship-drive/740892.md?page=1)