# Do 'nice guys' ever find women who will accept them? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 23, 2016, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482 "2016-05-23T20:06:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 26
**Author:** ![Quasimodal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/57b2e6/32.png) [@Quasimodal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quasimodal)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2016, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482/501 "2016-06-07T05:47:04Z")
> [@JohnClay](#): > > I think you said you date fairly often, you just haven’t been in a relationship recently. Maybe using eHarmony could help you find a relationship. Like I said on another thread you could also consider finding a partner overseas such as in Asia. It is apparently easy to find women in some of those countries. BTW I am 37 and have only ever dated my wife - no other romantic encounters. I think you should be grateful that you do date quite a lot and have had some relationships. My sisters have been single for many years. BTW apparently if you are satisfied with being single it is MUCH more likely that girls will be attracted to you. That was the case with me meeting my wife. Yeah, I’m pretty satisfied. I mean I’d like a partner and sex and all the potential fun sexy good times. But I’m pretty content on my own. I’m glad I’ve had a lot more experiences…way more glad than when I had next to none. It’s been a big transformation these last few years. I went to Salsa dance tonight…I’m bagged cause I was at an event last weekend, basically dancing and partying late. I just decided to be quiet and chill tonight. All the better dancers came and asked me up to dance and were very excited about it. Feel’s pretty awesome. I never got that kind of attention a decade ago. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2016, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482/502 "2016-06-07T12:40:22Z")
This is odd: I was just outside, and a dude tried to pick up a girl. Just right by where I was sitting. Actually, there were two dudes, one very tall, and one very short. The tall guy was doing most of the chatting up. I guess the short guy was the wing man. The girl was blonde, gorgeous, early twenties. I didn’t stick around for the whole show, I got bored. I actually considered intervening, but I determined that she wasn’t in any danger. It was in public, there were lots of people passing by, and all she needed to do was to walk a short distance, and she would be on a main street. I figured she could fend for herself. But, yeah, as far as I could tell, they were pretty unpleasant. If I was her, I would have told them to get lost. She was being way too polite. Whatever I’m recommending here, it’s not that. It was a useful reminder: Don’t be those guys. Or at least I don’t want to be those guys. ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2016, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482/503 "2016-06-07T16:04:47Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > All these questions make me think you’re waiting for me to slip up and say something that’s controversial. I don’t think that’s going to happen. But I guess I’ll keep playing along. FWIW as someone just reading the thread, that’s exactly how it seems to me, too. ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2016, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482/504 "2016-06-07T17:19:36Z")
> [@Martian Bigfoot](#): > > But, yeah, as far as I could tell, they were pretty unpleasant. \*\*If I was her, I would have told them to get lost. She was being way too polite. \*\*. Ugh. I hear/read this all the time and it’s really irritating. Guys: consider that women may (aka “do”) have reasons _why_ they choose not to actively reject men like this. I was going to type out a list with multiple reasons off the top of my head, but instead I’ll give an example. **Personal Anecdote Time!** Once, I stopped at a Meijer’s on my way to work to pick up food for a few lunches. It was about 6:30-7am and still pretty dark out. As I walked down an aisle with my cart and a worker was on a (loud) riding floor cleaner/buffer an aisle over, a guy approached me, seemingly a bit bashful. Speaking very quietly, he said that I was beautiful and wanted to know if I would go on a date with him. I was honestly flattered and a bit charmed (I vastly prefer bashful over brashful). So I smiled beamingly and thanked him, but truthfully added, “I’m flattered! But I’m actually engaged, so I can’t.” I was wearing my ring, which was visible since both hands were pushing the cart.\* Well. As soon as he heard that, the bashful look vanished and was replaced by major anger. Almost a foot taller than me and very sturdy, he stepped up and loomed over me, yelling, “oh, you too fuckin GOOD for me, you fuckin bitch??” He continued yelling and got madder and madder but I don’t remember anything he said after that first line. I was _completely_ terrified and frozen like a statue; my ever-present tinnitus suddenly became a roaring buzz and every other sound was completely muffled. He eventually stomped away. But that didn’t necessarily mean it’s over and I’m safe, y’know? I spent the next half hour terrified: terrified that he’d come back to that aisle or that he was in another aisle nearby; terrified that the floor cleaner probably drowned him out to anyone nearby; terrified that I’d see him anywhere else in the store or at the uScan; terrified that maybe he stomped off to the nearby kitchen department and grabbed a knife; terrified that maybe he was waiting outside the store in the pre-dawn darkness; terrified that I parked halfway down an aisle and terrified that I was wearing high heels; terrified that he’d be able to follow me and get into my car before I could lock it and drive away. Now, after reading this: do you think it would be unreasonable not directly reject a guy, much less tell him to get lost? Even if he looked charmingly shy and soft spoken? - not saying he should have seen it beforehand. \<\< Apologies in advance if my paragraph spacing is off. Tapatalk sometimes interprets one ‘enter’ as a paragraph break and sometimes as a line break – even within a single post. \>\> ---
**Author:** ![zweisamkeit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zweisamkeit/32/4360_2.png) [@zweisamkeit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zweisamkeit)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2016, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482/505 "2016-06-07T17:24:24Z")
Ugh, dammit. Last paragraph should have, “do you think _I_ would be unreasonable to not directly…” ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2016, 7:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482/506 "2016-06-07T19:10:07Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > This is what I would say to him: > > “I’m probably not going to be much help. I have never been in your situation (having to ask someone out on a date) so I have never dealt with rejection before. I can imagine that it gets easier with more practice, so maybe get out there into the world and see if you have more luck with other women. If you ask enough times, maybe you’ll become desensitized to the pain. Therapy might also help if you’ve got serious social anxiety or if self-esteem problems are holding you back. But honestly, these sound like ideas you’ve probably already heard. You might do better asking someone who has actual experience in this department. (But please stay away from those PUA people.)” You might also ask him if he is afraid of making a mistake in other things he does. For those of us not super-sensitive to what other people are feeling, the only way of telling is to try. Even if he doesn’t get desensitized, he’ll eventually improve his success rate as he figures out who is interested in him and who isn’t. As far as difficulty, I think men have it easier, since being able to ask is better than having to wait to be asked - at least back in the old days where women seldom if ever made the first move. So, guys, consider yourself lucky. ---
**Author:** ![Robot\_Arm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/robot_arm/32/18280_2.png) [@Robot\_Arm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Robot_Arm)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2016, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482/507 "2016-06-07T19:22:10Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > As far as difficulty, I think men have it easier, since being able to ask is better than having to wait to be asked - at least back in the old days where women seldom if ever made the first move. So, guys, consider yourself lucky. If it’s so much easier to do the asking, why don’t more women do it? It’s not the old days anymore. Women now have the option of asking or waiting to be asked; men are still pressured to take the initiative. I think more women should ask men out. Not necessarily because it would work, but to gain an understanding of what guys are expected to go through. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2016, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482/508 "2016-06-07T20:25:48Z")
> [@zweisamkeit](#): > > FWIW as someone just reading the thread, that’s exactly how it seems to me, too. Yeah, well, if anyone is waiting for the “aha, gothca!”, then don’t hold your breath. Because I’ve got nothing. Zip. I’ve flip-flopped my way through so many different and conflicting opinions in this thread that I’m making myself dizzy. Nice guys suck. Nice guys have a point. Assertive guys suck. Assertive guys have a point. All guys suck. Let’s just shoot them. Which is where I started, so now I’m back around. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [June 7, 2016, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482/509 "2016-06-07T22:17:22Z")
The only piece of actual advice that I’ve offered that I actually still stand by a 100 percent is this: If you’re really going to ask someone out on a date (because someone, say, has a gun to your head), pick someone you don’t like. - You’re less nervous, so you’ll make a better impression. - If you’re rejected, it doesn’t hurt so much, because you’re not so invested. - You’re a lot more likely to actually man up and ask, because there’s less risk. - If a relationship actually results, my experience is that it’ll be a better and more successful relationship than one with someone you like. You’ll be less needy and whiny throughout the relationship. - There are probably a lot more people in the world that you don’t like than people that you do like. So, bigger dating pool. - Just because you don’t like someone, that doesn’t make them a bad person. They’re probably an awesome person. You’re not losing out or settling for second best. They’re just someone who doesn’t happen to jingle your particular fetish. That’s all. - They’re more likely to say yes. Really: When was the last time someone you actually liked agreed to go on a date with you? Never happens. Win-win-win-win-win-win-win. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2016, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482/510 "2016-06-12T22:57:01Z")
I think this [Onion article](http://www.theonion.com/blogpost/but-if-we-started-dating-it-would-ruin-our-friends-11473)is relevant to the thread. ---
**Author:** ![antechinus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/fbc32d/32.png) [@antechinus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/antechinus)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2017, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482/511 "2017-07-10T20:45:51Z")
H. Tvc Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![steatopygia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steatopygia/32/3132_2.png) [@steatopygia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/steatopygia)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2017, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482/512 "2017-07-10T21:13:27Z")
> [@antechinus](#): > > H. Tvc > Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk ? Is there going to be some sheep talk or is this your child/ butt dial? ---
**Author:** ![Darren\_Garrison](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darren_garrison/32/92_2.png) [@Darren\_Garrison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darren_Garrison)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2017, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482/513 "2017-07-10T21:37:04Z")
> [@steatopygia](#): > > ? > Is there going to be some sheep talk or is this your child/ butt dial? Spies and such sometimes put a coded message in a newspaper or web forum to give a call to action for a compatriot. I believe that H. Tvc must mean “hit the Vatican chapel” and some ambitious terrorist group is about to take out the Sistine Chapel. ---
**Author:** ![antechinus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/fbc32d/32.png) [@antechinus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/antechinus)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2017, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482/514 "2017-07-10T21:42:04Z")
> [@steatopygia](#): > > ? > Is there going to be some sheep talk or is this your child/ butt dial? Well, I suppose TVC =TC-TFC Real reason - don’t try to use a capacitance sensing screen when device fully charged and still plugged in. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2017, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482/515 "2017-07-10T21:47:40Z")
> [@steatopygia](#): > > ? > Is there going to be some sheep talk or is this your child/ butt dial? I think it’s MRA code. 😉 It’s how “nice guys” communicate to each other amidst all the asshole guys and slut women. ---
**Author:** ![Darren\_Garrison](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/darren_garrison/32/92_2.png) [@Darren\_Garrison](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darren_Garrison)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2017, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482/516 "2017-07-10T21:50:32Z")
I actually googled H.Tvc to see if it really meant something, and the first thing that came up was that annoying Preparation H commercial from Keister. Reminded to be curious about a real town named “Keister”, I headed for Wikipedia and learned that there was once a person named Abraham Lincoln Keister who served in the US House of Representatives. So at least my day has been productive. ---
**Author:** ![Reddy\_Mercury](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/43a26b/32.png) [@Reddy\_Mercury](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reddy_Mercury)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2017, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482/517 "2017-07-11T01:48:27Z")
My question is why so many women have: 1. A lack of self-esteem, wherein all they accept are guys who cheat, or are willing to be used? I’ve known tons of women in my age group (20s) who will get cheated on, and cry about it, and then go back to the guy and fiercely defend him. He doesn’t beat her, he just lacks respect 2. Why so many of them only want money. If a guy doesn’t have money, he might as well get lost. I know a chick for example who doesn’t even want male friends unless they can “help pay (her) bills”, and in turn if they do she’d provide some sexual favors. I feel pretty fucked being a Millenial really. I think women of my generation are like, 80% mental. And I say this as a guy who has had several different ladies is charming, and literally nice. Problem is, I’m too nice for the street wise girls, and too rough for the innocent virginal types. ---
**Author:** ![purplehearingaid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7bcc69/32.png) [@purplehearingaid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/purplehearingaid)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2017, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482/518 "2017-07-11T02:26:13Z")
My oldest sister been married to a very nice guy for 50 years now . I know a few nice guys who been married for years. ---
**Author:** ![Budget\_Player\_Cadet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/budget_player_cadet/32/205_2.png) [@Budget\_Player\_Cadet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Budget_Player_Cadet)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2017, 5:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482/519 "2017-07-11T05:10:50Z")
> [@Reddy\_Mercury](#): > > My question is why so many women have: > > 1. A lack of self-esteem, wherein all they accept are guys who cheat, or are willing to be used? I’ve known tons of women in my age group (20s) who will get cheated on, and cry about it, and then go back to the guy and fiercely defend him. He doesn’t beat her, he just lacks respect > > 2. Why so many of them only want money. If a guy doesn’t have money, he might as well get lost. I know a chick for example who doesn’t even want male friends unless they can “help pay (her) bills”, and in turn if they do she’d provide some sexual favors. > > I feel pretty fucked being a Millenial really. I think women of my generation are like, 80% mental. And I say this as a guy who has had several different ladies is charming, and literally nice. Problem is, I’m too nice for the street wise girls, and too rough for the innocent virginal types. I think your problem has less to do with being “too nice” or “too rough” and more to do with condescending generalizations and assumptions that wouldn’t be out of place on /r/theredpill. I wouldn’t want to date a woman who thought 80% of men were insane. ---
**Author:** ![Jane\_Elliot](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jane_elliot/32/6166_2.png) [@Jane\_Elliot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jane_Elliot)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2017, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482/520 "2017-07-11T12:54:12Z")
> [@Reddy\_Mercury](#): > > My question is why so many women have: > > 1. A lack of self-esteem, wherein all they accept are guys who cheat, or are willing to be used? I’ve known tons of women in my age group (20s) who will get cheated on, and cry about it, and then go back to the guy and fiercely defend him. He doesn’t beat her, he just lacks respect Why do so many men cheat, tear down women’s self-esteem, and use them? > [@Reddy\_Mercury](#): > > 1. Why so many of them only want money. If a guy doesn’t have money, he might as well get lost. I know a chick for example who doesn’t even want male friends unless they can “help pay (her) bills”, and in turn if they do she’d provide some sexual favors. Why do so many men think that the only way they can get sexual favors is to pay a woman’s bills? > [@Reddy\_Mercury](#): > > I feel pretty fucked being a Millenial really. I think women of my generation are like, 80% mental. And I say this as a guy who has had several different ladies is charming, and literally nice. Problem is, I’m too nice for the street wise girls, and too rough for the innocent virginal types. Why do you think there are only two kinds of women? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482.md?page=25) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-nice-guys-ever-find-women-who-will-accept-them/755482.md?page=27)