# Do parents ever hate their own kids for any reason? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 19, 2008, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832 "2008-12-19T00:30:13Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Jesse\_Leigh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ea924/32.png) [@Jesse\_Leigh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jesse_Leigh)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 12:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832/21 "2008-12-19T12:22:44Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > From this week’s [Dear Prudence](http://www.slate.com/id/2206776/)(the advice column on [slate.com](http://slate.com)), there’s a woman who writes about how her sister felt like her parents never liked her, and this was confirmed when the father died and left stuff to all the kids except for this one sister. > > In your experiences, how common is this? And why just one kid? I mean, I could see if it was just that you hate or resent the idea of kids, but why would you love all your kids but one? I mean, if you love your children, you love your children, right? G’morning FS! My mother died holding fast to the declaration that she didn’t want or love me, as did my father. They both loved my two younger brothers but they never wanted a girl - especially one who wasn’t remotely like either of them. If it weren’t for DNA and physical resemblence, I’d have believed they found me on the doorstep. As a mother and grandmother myself, I’ve never been able to wrap my mind around the concept of not loving one’s own children. There are times when I could _like_ them better for a day or two perhaps, but not to love them is beyond my comprehension. As it happens, neither one one of my parents left me anything material, but I didn’t expect they would, and all I ever wanted was for them to love me. I guess you can’t have everything. I’m grateful to have been graced with a family of my own and a husband whose love I’ve never had to question. Were it not for them, I might have believed the heartbreaking remarks my parents continually made to and about me right up until last year, when my mother died. I’m uncertain why we need and want the love and approval of our parents, but I’ve yet to meet anyone to whom that need doesn’t apply. My father called me sporadically, maybe half a dozen times over forty-five years. My mother called me four times in her life - twice because she was in intolerable pain, once when she needed me to drive her to the hospital, and once when my baby died. She didn’t visit his grave - ever, but at least she called. (After saying to me, upon learning I was pregnant, ‘I’ll _never_ love your children.’ ) I called her three or four times a month when we lived far apart, which was most of the time, and when we lived closer to her, when my children were small, I took my kids to see her and my father at _least_ a couple of times a week. She did the same thing with my kids - there was one she didn’t like - and I threatened her with the loss of them all if she didn’t cease treating that child as she treated me. She didn’t care for the ultimatum, as I never spoke disrepectfully to my parents, but she was nicer to my daughter after that, thank God! My solution to the pain their rejection caused me was to _choose_ to love them anyway. I learned quickly that love doesn’t have to be reciprocated to matter. 😉 I hope this helps someone ‘out there.’ FWIW - Jesse. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832/22 "2008-12-19T13:12:54Z")
> [@Cisco](#): > > If you really love your kid, you cannot be “overwhelmed” enough to abandon them. No…over the course of history millions of children have been abandoned BECAUSE their parents loved them… One of my girlfriends in high school was put on an airplane and sent out of Iraq as the Shah fell - was that because her parents didn’t love her? Madonna made the news for adopting a little boy from Africa whose father still lives - his father still loves him - but cannot afford to feed him. There may be a point when you realize that your kid’s chances are better if they don’t have you in their lives - that doesn’t mean you don’t love them. (Then again - some parents certainly abandon their kids because they are selfish ninnies. And, as several grandparents I know who have fought to have their kids’ parental rights stripped and gain custody of their grandkids, there are people who keep their kids because they are selfish ninnies.) ---
**Author:** ![Jesse\_Leigh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ea924/32.png) [@Jesse\_Leigh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jesse_Leigh)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832/23 "2008-12-19T13:34:55Z")
G’morning! Children, usually babies, are routinely sold for $50 and sometimes less in the slums of Calcutta, Bombay, Thailand, and in many other part of S. E. Asia and Eastern European countries. China isn’t much better. The choice the parents have is to give away a child they can’t feed and perhaps live another month or two as a family, or die. This is an everyday reality for millions. In fact, most of the orphans we try to feed aren’t truly orphans, but rather, abandoned children. It’s difficult to imagine the depths of despair in which these people live unless you’ve been there and lived amongst them. There but for the Grace of God go all of us. - Jesse. ---
**Author:** ![Heckity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a5b964/32.png) [@Heckity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heckity)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832/24 "2008-12-19T14:48:40Z")
I was always careful to tell my kids, “I’ll always love you, but I don’t like you very much right now” when their behaviour was out of line. My ex never liked his eldest son, however. There was a marked difference between how he treated the youngest and the eldest. He made no bones about telling the eldest how he felt. To me it seemed that it was more about control than love or even preference. The youngest figured out very quickly how to “play” his Dad and the eldest refused. The eldest was stalwartly honest and unbending. It broke my heart. The eldest hasn’t spoken to his Dad in 7 years (he’s only 20 himself) including the four years that we all still lived in the same house. Remarkably my son doesn’t seem to have any overt emotional disabilities as a result (although he doesn’t seem to want to form ‘deep’ attachments with anyone, eg. girls). My own father didn’t like me - but I think on some level in some way he loved me. It’s all very sad, isn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832/25 "2008-12-19T14:52:26Z")
> [@Heckity](#): > > I was always careful to tell my kids, “I’ll always love you, but I don’t like you very much right now” when their behaviour was out of line. > > My ex never liked his eldest son, however. There was a marked difference between how he treated the youngest and the eldest. He made no bones about telling the eldest how he felt. To me it seemed that it was more about control than love or even preference. The youngest figured out very quickly how to “play” his Dad and the eldest refused. The eldest was stalwartly honest and unbending. It is sad. My mom said to me a few times growing up that she liked me, as a person and so forth, and I said something like, don’t all parents have to feel like that about their children? She replied that there was a difference between liking and loving someone–you can love someone deep down but not really enjoy spending time with them or truly appreciate their company. This is pretty sad, too. It must be awful watching your own child experience this at the hands of another parent. ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832/26 "2008-12-19T14:54:56Z")
Can people who don’t love themselves ever really, truly, completely love another person? ---
**Author:** ![Jesse\_Leigh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ea924/32.png) [@Jesse\_Leigh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jesse_Leigh)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832/27 "2008-12-19T15:12:23Z")
> [@fessie](#): > > Can people who don’t love themselves ever really, truly, completely love another person? G’morning fessie! I don’t believe I’ve met a person who doesn’t love themself. They may not like themself, have no self-confidence, and/or have a host of other ‘self’ issues, but ultimately all humans love themselves. In my experience, people _preoccupied_ with ‘self’ generally have the most trouble loving or sustaining meaningful relationships with others. Shalom aleichem - Jesse. ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832/28 "2008-12-19T15:14:57Z")
Well a good morning to you **Mr Leigh**. 🙂 Personally, I think it’s just the opposite - I think that very few people truly love themselves, that a lack of self-love makes it difficult to bond with children who resemble themselves, and that a preoccupation with self is an indication of turmoil as opposed to true self-acceptance. But hey, what do I know. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 3:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832/29 "2008-12-19T15:18:11Z")
I’ve had a part of an OP in my head, which talks about the almost certain mental illness which my father must have had in order to have inflicted that degree of cruelty on children. This thread inspired me [to finish it](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=498253). > [@](#): > > What demons dwelled within the darkness of a dad? What hate caused havoc upon that heart? What sickness sought to subvert a soul? > > I knew not a father. I lived not with a man, but a wild beast. Who would hit a toddler with the force to leave a lasting print, for the sin of what? Of crying? Of being a child? > > The palm which strikes may have belonged to an adult, but the spirit which unleashed such fury could not. For a father does not beat a baby. A dad does not molest his daughters. A man does not abuse, degrade and torment a wife. it goes on from there and talks of my journey into understanding or not my father. (Sorry for the hijack) ---
**Author:** ![Jesse\_Leigh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ea924/32.png) [@Jesse\_Leigh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jesse_Leigh)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832/30 "2008-12-19T15:23:05Z")
Well, I’m not going to argue the point, fessie. (By the way, I’m not a Mr. 😉 ) I don’t know the expression of your faith, but why d’you suppose Jesus told humankind to **‘Love your neighbor as yourself’?** Biblically, it’s a given that all people love themselves. Just a point to ponder. Have a fabulous day! - Jesse. ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832/31 "2008-12-19T15:34:52Z")
Ha - I’ve been thinking recently that that bit of advice (which seems utterly benevolent) is maybe not so good after all. Because almost nobody loves without any expectations at all. Just loving for the sake of love and accepting fully. That’s hard. Most people’s self-love is conditional, from what I know about them. I think a more realistic admonition would be simply “Tolerate.” ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832/32 "2008-12-19T15:42:13Z")
> [@Shayna](#): > > It turns out he apparently inherited his father’s manic-depression, and also suffers from Tourette Syndrome. We all love him to pieces now, but no one would have questioned why even a mother wouldn’t love a baby that was that miserable all the time. Wait, the _baby_ was bipolar as an infant? Wow! I thought it was a lot less common in juveniles. ---
**Author:** ![Jesse\_Leigh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ea924/32.png) [@Jesse\_Leigh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jesse_Leigh)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832/33 "2008-12-19T15:58:03Z")
Hi fessie! You said > [@](#): > > ’ Because almost nobody loves without any expectations at all.’ Then it isn’t love. Love is the quintessential selfless act. Love - Jesse. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832/34 "2008-12-19T16:47:47Z")
> [@Jesse\_Leigh](#): > > Biblically, it’s a given that all people love themselves. And Biblically it’s a given that women were created from Adam’s rib. My mom has counseled plenty of patients that suffer from a profound self-loathing. While you may have been lucky never to have met someone who truly doesn’t love him/herself, there is plenty of concrete evidence to the contrary and it goes far, far beyond run-of-the-mill self-confidence and self-esteem issues. Heck, “self-loathing factors” are even used as a diagnostic observation for psychiatric and personality disorders (e.g. the self-loathing sub-scale (SLSS) was developed to help clinicians evaluate some athletes for body dysmorphic disorder, although its use a screening tool is still under debate.) ---
**Author:** ![suranyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@suranyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suranyi)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832/35 "2008-12-19T16:51:52Z")
I once knew a women who as a twelve-year-old had been the subject of a nasty custody battle between her parents, who were getting divorced. Neither of them wanted her. You can imagine it led to terrible self-esteem problems as an adult. Ed ---
**Author:** ![Jayn\_Newell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Jayn\_Newell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jayn_Newell)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832/36 "2008-12-19T16:56:56Z")
> [@suranyi](#): > > I once knew a women who as a twelve-year-old had been the subject of a nasty custody battle between her parents, who were getting divorced. Neither of them wanted her. Suddenly the nasty custody battles where both parents want the kids don’t seem so bad. Poor girl ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Soul\_Brother\_Number\_Two](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/soul_brother_number_two/32/3515_2.png) [@Soul\_Brother\_Number\_Two](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soul_Brother_Number_Two)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 5:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832/37 "2008-12-19T17:26:12Z")
> [@Jesse\_Leigh](#): > > Biblically, it’s a given that all people love themselves. Respectfully, Jesse, there are a lot more people in this world who do not view the Bible as the sole repository of truth than there are that do. I am one of them. I view the above as specious to the extreme. As well, your definition of love in your next post does not apply to love as I see it, Bible or no Bible. I mean no harm or disrespect, but I feel the need to point out that cheerful witnessing isn’t very helpful to many of us, particularly those of us who have experienced some of what you blithely claim doesn’t exist. ---
**Author:** ![Jesse\_Leigh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7ea924/32.png) [@Jesse\_Leigh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jesse_Leigh)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 6:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832/38 "2008-12-19T18:06:28Z")
> [@Soul\_Brother\_Number\_Two](#): > > Respectfully, Jesse, there are a lot more people in this world who do not view the Bible as the sole repository of truth than there are that do. I am one of them. I view the above as specious to the extreme. As well, your definition of love in your next post does not apply to love as I see it, Bible or no Bible. > > I mean no harm or disrespect, but I feel the need to point out that cheerful witnessing isn’t very helpful to many of us, particularly those of us who have experienced some of what you blithely claim doesn’t exist. G’morning Soul Brother Number Two! Then we agree to disagree, yes? This is what discussion boards are for. I have my life and the experiences I’ve gained from it and the beliefs I hold to be true, as you have yours. Why is it when I say something that involves love or the Bible it’s ‘Witnessing,’ but when you disparage it - it’s just… what is it exactly? :rolleyes: > **[How many Christians are there worldwide? - Answers](https://www.answers.com/religious-studies/How_many_Christians_are_there_worldwide)** > > Many sources mention 2.1 billion Christians in the world (about one third of the total population of the planet), but estimating numbers is fraught with difficulties. What is included among the definition of 'Christian' is not agreed upon by many of... There are _billions_ of Christians (2.1) in the world who hold to a Biblical wordview. Others, like yourself, bear WITNESS to whatever it is they believe in. My viewpoint is no less valid than yours anymore than my _opinion_ is necessarily ‘Witnessing.’ I do enough of that on purpose but not here on this forum. I’m the admin of my own forum which I’ve run for a decade and I’m a veteran missionary. I came here because I found the topics of interest to me. My worldview isn’t likely to change, but what makes you think yours is not ‘Witnessing’? You bear witness to whatever you believe in - everyone does. I have yet to ‘Preach the Word’ here and I know which forum to visit if I feel led to do so. Thus far, I haven’t ‘Witnessed’ there and have no leading that would incline me toward heading over there at the moment. Cheers - Jesse. P.S. Re: ‘Sole repository of truth’ - I didn’t say that - you did. The truth is the truth wherever one finds it. ---
**Author:** ![pbbth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f9ae1b/32.png) [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832/39 "2008-12-19T18:11:03Z")
If **Jesse Leigh** ever has a conversation with **Der Trihs** will someone please pm me and let me know? I don’t want to miss that!😛 ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [December 19, 2008, 7:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832/40 "2008-12-19T19:07:58Z")
> [@pbbth](#): > > If **Jesse Leigh** ever has a conversation with **Der Trihs** will someone please pm me and let me know? I don’t want to miss that!😛 Oh man, that would be _epic_. I don’t believe the old canard that you can’t truly love someone if you don’t first love yourself. I loved a lot of people way before I learned to love myself. I do think it’s true that when people are feeling particularly nasty toward themselves, they are prone to do nasty things to others as well. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-parents-ever-hate-their-own-kids-for-any-reason/477832.md?page=3)