# Do people in your culture "date"? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 15, 2011, 8:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539 "2011-04-15T20:43:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2011, 2:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539/21 "2011-04-17T14:41:32Z")
Aomori is not the “sticks,” … ok it’s the sticks. ---
**Author:** ![suranyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@suranyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suranyi)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2011, 3:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539/22 "2011-04-17T15:40:12Z")
I don’t think there’s any real difference in behavior. Maybe a difference in terminology, coupled with stereotypes pulled from Hollywood. ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [April 17, 2011, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539/23 "2011-04-17T18:31:03Z")
> [@Teacake](#): > > The difference is that we don’t date several people at a time the way it seems is common in the US. I think your understanding of US dating culture is not up to date. My thread, entitled “[When did the distinction between “dating” and "going steady](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=479180&highlight=dating)” disappear?", is relevant: > [@BrotherCadfael](#): > > Back in the '50s, “dating” was not exclusive - in TV and movies from the period, you frequently see Betty Sue tell Wally she can’t go out with him this weekend, because she has a date with Ricky, “but I’m free next weekend!” When a couple decided their relationship had become serious enough to become exclusive, they were said to be “going steady”. Going steady was considered a desirable condition, and most teenage girls desperately wanted to achieve this status. > > [S]ome parents would discourage daughters from going steady, preferring that they continue to date around. While some steady couples did go on to a sexual relationship, this was by no means the norm in the '50s. > > Sometime between then and the time I got into the dating game, this all changed dramatically. By 1972 or so, if you went on more than one date with a person, it was assumed to be exclusive. A girl who “dated around” would be thought of as “easy” if not an outright slut. > > Of course, by that time, if you went on three or more dates with the same person, everyone assumed (usually correctly) that you were sleeping together. Perhaps this is the cause of the change? When sex became a routine part of dating, exclusivity became necessary? A number of comments in my thread indicate that even this picture of US dating is obsolete, having been replaced by some combination of going out in groups, hanging out, and hooking up. ---
**Author:** ![xoferew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/e9a140/32.png) [@xoferew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xoferew)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539/24 "2011-04-18T00:36:25Z")
In my high school ('80’s) lots of kids dated, or wanted to. There was lots of romantic social drama. I was surprised when I went to college to find few couples and most people hanging out in mixed-gender groups. …Except for the night of the GLBT movie festival, which lots of forward-thinking, non-homophobic students attended, but almost all with a date of the opposite sex that they had dug up for the occasion. (Including me, I admit.) ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539/25 "2011-04-18T01:55:44Z")
> [@doreen](#): > > I don’t hear anyone IRL use the term dating either and I agree it’s unusual for Americans to date more than one person for any length of time . I think non-exclusive “dating” was more common in the US in the 50s and maybe 60s than it is now. I wasn’t around then, but that’s the impression I’ve gotten from old TV shows, movies etc. > [@WhyNot](#): > > another social casualty of AIDS, I suspect. I’d guess that it was more about premarital sex coming out into the open than AIDS - sleeping with someone tends to trend towards more exclusive relationships. After all, back when Betty Sue was dating several clean cut boys in the 50s, she wasn’t supposed to be sleeping with them all. > [@](#): > > I don’t think there’s any real difference in behavior. Maybe a difference in terminology, coupled with stereotypes pulled from Hollywood. No doubt. Hollywood paints funny pictures of this country that aren’t in sych with most people’s realities. Example: according to Hollywood, 90% of kids are parts of frats and sororities and only date other Greeks unless they’re rebels. ---
**Author:** ![doreen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/858c86/32.png) [@doreen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/doreen)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539/26 "2011-04-18T04:08:52Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > I’d guess that it was more about premarital sex coming out into the open than AIDS - sleeping with someone tends to trend towards more exclusive relationships. After all, back when Betty Sue was dating several clean cut boys in the 50s, she wasn’t supposed to be sleeping with them all. I’m sure that’s what it was - Betty Sue gave up dating several boys by the late '70s and AIDS wasn’t believed to be a concern for heterosexuals until at least the mid 80’s. ---
**Author:** ![kapri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4491bb/32.png) [@kapri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kapri)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539/27 "2011-04-18T15:02:14Z")
This is all interesting. To me, “dating” means seeing someone for the purposes of getting to know them to see if a relationship between the two of you might work. I acknowledge that for a large number of people, it means getting together to do something and then have sex either at the end of the first “date” night or one of the dates soon thereafter; generally this results in the man moving on to “date” someone else." You might initially meet at a bar or a party or the grocery store and exchange contact info or arrange to meet somewhere soon again. That second meeting is a “date.” Then you might arrange to meet somewhere else again, or you might meet at one of your homes and go somewhere from there. That is also a “date.” This might continue for a little while. Once you determine that you want to have a relationship with that person, you aren’t exactly “dating” anymore–you’re in a relationship, with all that that entails. I have found that since my divorce, the men I have “dated” aren’t interested in having an exclusive relationship and want to be free to date (and sleep with) whomever they want, when they want. Many of my female friends are also finding this to be true, but not all of them; some have found men who actually have committed to being exclusive and monogamous with them. The people I refer to are, in general, middle-aged (40s and 50s), although the same seems to be true for my friends in their 20s and 30s as well. ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 3:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539/28 "2011-04-18T15:24:44Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > I think the prevalence of dating in the U.S. is overstated a lot of the time. The way most people get together is the same way that Australians and Europeans describe it. You meet someone through some mutual channel and start doing things in groups and then alone. This is my experience exactly, and I’m every inch the American. I think I’ve “asked someone on a date” exactly once, and that was at the tail-end of a three-day artists’ retreat. All my romantic relationships have evolved out of something else–college friend, professional acquaintance, work in a community organization, etc. The idea of meeting someone and asking them out “cold” is pretty alien to me. Then again, I’ve heard some shockingly high (to me) statistics about how many relationships start with online dating services these days, so I know people still do it. I’m just not one of them. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 4:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539/29 "2011-04-18T16:06:57Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > If you are seeing multiple people, you aren’t dating. What would you call it then? > [@](#): > > And don’t let the people who talk about open relationships fool you: they are decidedly not the norm. There is a concept of “playing the field”, but once a relationship has started, it’s assumed to be exclusive unless stated otherwise. Open relationships are certainly not the norm; however, amongst the grown folks, exclusivity should never be _assumed_, lest you encounter some unpleasant surprises. You’ve got to have The Talk. ---
**Author:** ![kapri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4491bb/32.png) [@kapri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kapri)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539/30 "2011-04-18T16:37:15Z")
> [@DianaG](#): > > What would you call it then? > Open relationships are certainly not the norm; however, amongst the grown folks, exclusivity should never be _assumed_, lest you encounter some unpleasant surprises. You’ve got to have The Talk. This is 100% what I have found. Unless you’ve had the talk, you have to assume that the other person is seeing and sleeping with other people. That’s been my experience, anyway. I haven’t been doing the seeing/sleeping with, but the men I’ve seen have assumed that it’s cool for them to do that while also seeing me because we hadn’t had “the talk.” Yes, I tend to ignore red flags, but I’m getting better at that. “Dating” has changed drastically since I last did it back in the late 80s. ---
**Author:** ![Mops](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mops/32/16494_2.png) [@Mops](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mops)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2011, 5:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539/31 "2011-04-18T17:05:31Z")
My _perception_ of dating in US culture (which is shared to some extent by other Germans) is: - dating (as opposed to just eating or doing other things together) means that you are up front about meeting the other person because they are of your preferred sex, and with a view to scoping out each other’s suitablility for a relationship. - a set of cultural norms on how to behave on a date, related to but distinct from social norms for general social occasions. I have heard quite a few instances of Germans referring to a meeting as a date (using the English word _date_ rather than the German _Verabredung_) to convey the message that romance is a possibility (i.e. you are not (yet) mutually agreed to be just friends) but OTOH no romantic relationship exists (yet). ---
**Author:** ![robert\_columbia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e79b87/32.png) [@robert\_columbia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/robert_columbia)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539/32 "2011-04-19T17:21:53Z")
> [@WhyNot](#): > > Interesting perspective on American dating. It’s actually quite unusual for Americans to date more than one person at a time, though. At least, past the second or third date. Third date is generally where monogamy is assumed, although it’s still a little iffy, and “I didn’t know we were exclusive!” is a defense, but one met with eyebrows raised… Right. Dating more than one person after a certain point is called “two-timing”, and is generally considered a form of cheating unless everyone involved grants permission. I learned the term “going steady” for the point in which you commit to dating a single person excusively. This continues until explicitly terminated, either by breaking up, or explicitly agreeing that the other may see other people. In the 1980’s/1990’s, teens went on a few dates and often decided to “go steady” with the other one. ---
**Author:** ![kapri](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4491bb/32.png) [@kapri](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kapri)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539/33 "2011-04-19T18:02:01Z")
Quote: \*\*Originally Posted by WhyNot Interesting perspective on American dating. It’s actually quite unusual for Americans to date more than one person at a time, though. At least, past the second or third date. Third date is generally where monogamy is assumed, although it’s still a little iffy, and “I didn’t know we were exclusive!” is a defense, but one met with eyebrows raised… Robert Columbia: Right. Dating more than one person after a certain point is called “two-timing”, and is generally considered a form of cheating unless everyone involved grants permission.\*\* This has not been my experience or the experience of most of my friends at all, and I wonder why. We have found that unless you have “the talk,” most men (and maybe some women, but I don’t know because I don’t date women) assume that everyone is dating multiple people. I could go on a date with one guy four, five times, and that doesn’t mean we are exclusive, in my experience, and in fact I have been made to feel foolish for assuming it does. Maybe it’s a regional thing? I don’t know. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 6:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539/34 "2011-04-19T18:49:36Z")
> [@robert\_columbia](#): > > Dating more than one person after a certain point is called “two-timing”, and is generally considered a form of cheating unless everyone involved grants permission. I agree, except that I’d say that the “certain point” is after both parties have explicitly agreed to be exclusive. I seriously can’t fathom this idea that you’d just assume that this person you’ve been on three dates with has the same values that you do and that you’re on the same page regarding the relationship. Why not remove all doubt? Use your words, people! ---
**Author:** ![SecretaryofEvil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@SecretaryofEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecretaryofEvil)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539/35 "2011-04-19T23:30:03Z")
> [@Girl\_From\_Mars](#): > > Well we do go on dates in Australia. For instance, we still have the term blind date or first date, but I don’t think we have a dating culture. It’s more relaxed; you go from ‘hanging out’ particularly if you meet through friends first, in a group, then start ‘seeing each’ other, then eventually have the discussion about longer term expectations of the relationship. Getting ‘asked out on a date’ is rare, even through work. > > I’ve never heard of any of my friends ‘dating’ - it would only be 'going on a ‘date’. We don’t tend to ‘date’ more than one person at a time, there is a quicker expectation that once you are girlfriend/boyfriend you will be exclusive without this having to be negotiated. I you are seeing more than one person chances are it will be much more casual are you won’t consider any of the time you spend with any one of them to be a date or relationship. > > I think the nuances are subtle, but are there. Here’s a quick sum up of [Australian dating customs](http://www.ehow.com/about_6585044_australia-dating-customs.html). > [@Teacake](#): > > Seems to me (though I’m as likely as usual to have missed the point) that the difference isn’t that we don’t go out. Of course we go out, and asking someone (possibly a random stranger) out for a coffee/meal/drink/movie would be considered “a date”. You’ll quite regularly hear people saying that they have a date tonight, including people who’ve been in that relationship for a while. The difference is that we don’t date several people at a time the way it seems is common in the US. If you’re seeing someone, you’re seeing _them_, and then you either get serious or you move on - people don’t usually overlap, unless it’s extremely casual and in the first couple of dates. I’d be surprised at least if I found that I was seeing someone and they were seeing someone else on intervening evenings. I’m American, and in my experience, romantic relationships here seem to work pretty much exactly as how you described them working in your countries. The “debutant who entertains multiple suitors who each formally ask her out” thing must have gone out of style decades ago in America, if it was ever really that common at all. > [@Shagnasty](#): > > I think the prevalence of dating in the U.S. is overstated a lot of the time. The way most people get together is the same way that Australians and Europeans describe it. You meet someone through some mutual channel and start doing things in groups and then alone. I don’t know many men that just ask out females that they don’t already know to a fancy dinner although you can in some contexts and some people do it. This seems to be the general consensus from the Americans. I think its kind of funny that Australians and Europeans apparently think it works differently here. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539/36 "2011-04-19T23:36:39Z")
Yeah, it seems to me that the only major difference is that outside the U.S. there can arise an assumption that after only a handful of “dates,” there is an exclusive relationship. I agree with those who say that in the U.S. the assumption is that there is no exclusivity until monogamy has been explicitly agreed upon. ---
**Author:** ![Musicat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/musicat/32/20189_2.png) [@Musicat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Musicat)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 11:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539/37 "2011-04-19T23:41:27Z")
If you consider the 1930s-40s a “culture,” my mother claimed she and my Dad never dated. Sure, they went to events as a couple, like church and revival meetings, and spent a lot of time together, but never “dated” before getting married. Seems the term was too libertine for fundamentalist Christians, as it implied a relationship far too intimate and ungodlike compared to “courtship.” ---
**Author:** ![SecretaryofEvil](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e95f7d/32.png) [@SecretaryofEvil](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SecretaryofEvil)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2011, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539/38 "2011-04-19T23:58:44Z")
> [@kapri](#): > > This is all interesting. To me, “dating” means seeing someone for the purposes of getting to know them to see if a relationship between the two of you might work. I acknowledge that for a large number of people, it means getting together to do something and then have sex either at the end of the first “date” night or one of the dates soon thereafter; generally this results in the man moving on to “date” someone else." You might initially meet at a bar or a party or the grocery store and exchange contact info or arrange to meet somewhere soon again. That second meeting is a “date.” Then you might arrange to meet somewhere else again, or you might meet at one of your homes and go somewhere from there. That is also a “date.” This might continue for a little while. Once you determine that you want to have a relationship with that person, you aren’t exactly “dating” anymore–you’re in a relationship, with all that that entails. > I have found that since my divorce, the men I have “dated” aren’t interested in having an exclusive relationship and want to be free to date (and sleep with) whomever they want, when they want. Many of my female friends are also finding this to be true, but not all of them; some have found men who actually have committed to being exclusive and monogamous with them. The people I refer to are, in general, middle-aged (40s and 50s), although the same seems to be true for my friends in their 20s and 30s as well. I think this must be a generational thing. The way dating works in my social circle, (20s, middle class, northeastern U.S.) is that you start off being friends with a girl or doing the group thing. You do a little bit a of flirting to test the waters. If there’s mutual attraction you progress to making out then sex. Once you do that a couple of times, you have the talk about whether you want to be exclusive with with each other. If the people decide that they don’t want to be exclusive with each other they usually stop hooking up physically. Although sometimes they decide to do the no strings attached friends with benefits deal. I seriously doubt that European and Australian women don’t also occasionally have trouble getting men to make serious commitments to them. Exclusive relationships seem to be pretty common to me. Maybe you’re picking men based on the wrong attributes. Or maybe you are sending up some sort of red flags of your own that are discouraging men from wanting to get too seriously involved with you. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2011, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539/39 "2011-04-20T00:24:02Z")
Or maybe, when you get out of your 20s, you need a better reason to be exclusive with someone than that you conveniently already know them and are reasonably sexually compatible. ---
**Author:** ![Zsofia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/7bcc69/32.png) [@Zsofia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zsofia)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2011, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539/40 "2011-04-20T02:07:24Z")
I’d definitely say that in person among a circle of acquaintances there is no more “dating” in the US - you go out with your group and then you’re a couple. However, the increasing prevalence of meeting people online does result in dating - you don’t know them, so you go on dates with them. Which seem a little weird and old fashioned. Of course I haven’t done it in six years, being long-term with the last guy I did it with, so I may be out of date. So to speak. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-people-in-your-culture-date/578539.md?page=3)