# Do some people never realize they were not good parents? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 9, 2018, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690 "2018-10-09T13:22:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Ramira](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ramira/32/344_2.png) [@Ramira](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ramira)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2018, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/41 "2018-10-10T16:04:12Z")
> [@Slash1972](#): > > Perhaps. But I doubt my kids are in constant fear of physical punishment, such as a bloody nose for having the nerve to purchase a magazine with their birthday money, or getting spit on because there were no coupons in the Sunday paper. I hope not indeeed. But there are the behaviors more subtle than the obvious ugly ones that can continue in a more subtle fashion similar effects. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2018, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/42 "2018-10-10T16:25:26Z")
> [@kambuckta](#): > > Some people never realize. But on the other side, perfectly ordinary parents spend their entire lives second-guessing and doubting their parenting abilities from the time the baby makes its first appearance until they themselves shuffle off this mortal coil. > > Every mistake the kid makes, they take it as their failing. Every bad life-choice the adult kid makes…yep, parental FAIL. > > And I would wager that there are far more parents in the latter cohort than the former. Very true. Plus, there are just plain differences of opinion. A child may think as an adult their parent was abusive, strict and apt to engage in corporal punishment, while the parent may look back and think they did a fine job, attributing their children’s adherence to the straight and narrow as opposed to the children of more lax friends and acquaintances who got involved in drugs/alcohol, failed to launch, are not terribly successful, etc… Who’s right? Both may be right in their own ways. ---
**Author:** ![Icarus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icarus/32/72_2.png) [@Icarus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icarus)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2018, 4:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/43 "2018-10-10T16:45:42Z")
I just wanted to chime in a say that the judgement of someone being a bad parent often comes from their children (axiomatic, no?) Should they always without exception be believed? In some cases, it is possible, (I’m just sayin’) the children can be bad people and messed up unrelated to upbringing AND create a narrative for themselves and other that their parents are bad. It can happen. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2018, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/44 "2018-10-10T22:21:49Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > He is just emotionally absent, inattentive, insensitive to their needs, probably on the spectrum and possibly gay but he will probably never realize that. Kids pick up on that and they responded to me oddly strongly right away. What does being gay have to do with being a decent parent? ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 2018, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/45 "2018-10-10T23:35:39Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > I just wanted to chime in a say that the judgement of someone being a bad parent often comes from their children (axiomatic, no?) Should they always without exception be believed? If someone tells me their parents were abusive, I’ll likely ask for more details. If they give me some cockamamie about their parents not being supportive of all their dreams, no matter how financially burdensome, then I won’t agree with their assertion. However, if all the siblings are essentially saying that a parent was a horrible, then I’d take that as strong evidence that there was some abuse going on. > [@](#): > > In some cases, it is possible, (I’m just sayin’) the children can be bad people and messed up unrelated to upbringing AND create a narrative for themselves and other that their parents are bad. > > It can happen. It can also be that children simply don’t like their parents. Maybe their parents leave a lot to be desired, but their flaws don’t rise to the level of abuse. I don’t know if it is fair to judge a child as “bad people” just because they don’t have a lot of love for their parent and don’t enjoy spending any time with them. They would only be bad if they said they were abused. ---
**Author:** ![DavidwithanR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@DavidwithanR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidwithanR)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2018, 12:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/46 "2018-10-11T00:47:08Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > What does being gay have to do with being a decent parent? Potentially something, at least. It’s much less common to be a gay parent with an unwanted child, because if you’re gay, children are less likely to “just happen”. So I’d expect that gay parents would be better parents, on average. ---
**Author:** ![Tzigone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/839c29/32.png) [@Tzigone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tzigone)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2018, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/47 "2018-10-11T00:49:12Z")
[quotev] Also, I think it’s a shame that an adult can’t be arsed to visit their mother in a nursing home on a holiday. [/quote] I cannot agree with that. If you don’t like someone and they didn’t/don’t treat you well, then there’s really no reason you should visit, IMO. Blood does not entitle one to a relationship - that has to be built. And both sides need to be willing. If one isn’t, for whatever reason even if it’s a bad one, you don’t get the relationship. ---
**Author:** ![DavidwithanR](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@DavidwithanR](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DavidwithanR)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2018, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/48 "2018-10-11T02:26:07Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > If someone tells me their parents were abusive, I’ll likely ask for more details. If they give me some cockamamie about their parents not being supportive of all their dreams, no matter how financially burdensome, then I won’t agree with their assertion. However, if all the siblings are essentially saying that a parent was a horrible, then I’d take that as strong evidence that there was some abuse going on. > > It can also be that children simply don’t like their parents. Maybe their parents leave a lot to be desired, but their flaws don’t rise to the level of abuse. I don’t know if it is fair to judge a child as “bad people” just because they don’t have a lot of love for their parent and don’t enjoy spending any time with them. They would only be bad if they said they were abused. It’s expected that a narcissistic parent will treat (at least) one child exaggeratedly well, and (at least) one child extremely badly. Requiring all of their children to agree that such a parent is bad, is not reasonable - because they strive to be popular with at least one. They do it, at least in part, for exactly the reasoning you’ve fallen for - it gives the parent “plausible deniability” regarding treating their other kid(s) like shit. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2018, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/49 "2018-10-11T03:14:03Z")
> [@DavidwithanR](#): > > Potentially something, at least. It’s much less common to be a gay parent with an unwanted child, because if you’re gay, children are less likely to “just happen”. So I’d expect that gay parents would be better parents, on average. That only true if they assume their homosexuality and stay in homosexual relationships; in the case of women, it also assumes no rape pregnancy. > [@DavidwithanR](#): > > It’s expected that a narcissistic parent will treat (at least) one child exaggeratedly well, and (at least) one child extremely badly. Requiring all of their children to agree that such a parent is bad, is not reasonable - because they strive to be popular with at least one. They do it, at least in part, for exactly the reasoning you’ve fallen for - it gives the parent “plausible deniability” regarding treating their other kid(s) like shit. One thing I really like about my brother who was “the wanted child” is that he always was conscious that he got to be “the wanted child”, the pampered one who could (almost) do no wrong. Then again he also finds some of Mom’s treatment of him extremely irritating; she only stopped referring to him as “his father’s photocopy” when we were all in our 30s, after we managed to hammer it through her head that us elders weren’t the only ones who found that line insulting. Nobody likes being objectified, even if it’s supposed to be praise. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2018, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/50 "2018-10-11T03:45:08Z")
> [@HoneyBadgerDC](#): > > her moms care who has Alzheimer… > > But anyway, we had a bout a 3 week sexual fling. Maybe fooled around 4 or 5 times. She was aware enough to put on oldies romantic music like we used to play, light some candles and put on a sexy nighty. Anyway she told her daughter about it and I suddenly became this pervert who coerced her into sex taking advantage of her illness… What? ---
**Author:** ![Sloe\_Moe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8797f3/32.png) [@Sloe\_Moe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sloe_Moe)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2018, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/51 "2018-10-11T03:59:29Z")
My daughter is dead-set on a particular college program, in a particular college, and I’m deader-set against it. Goes completely against what I’ve worked for and nurtured all my professional life. But it occurred to me that the field I chose was completely alien to my parents and they never voiced any objections. ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2018, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/52 "2018-10-11T12:12:49Z")
Yeah, I have to agree with you on this one, **Drunky**. More like WTF? ---
**Author:** ![Ludovic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7ab992/32.png) [@Ludovic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ludovic)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2018, 12:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/53 "2018-10-11T12:44:53Z")
> [@Nava](#): > > That only true if they assume their homosexuality and stay in homosexual relationships; in the case of women, it also assumes no rape pregnancy. He said “less likely”, not “impossible”. ---
**Author:** ![Slash1972](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slash1972/32/6461_2.png) [@Slash1972](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slash1972)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2018, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/54 "2018-10-11T14:14:01Z")
> [@Ramira](#): > > I hope not indeeed. > > But there are the behaviors more subtle than the obvious ugly ones that can continue in a more subtle fashion similar effects. Perhaps. However, a strong periodic reflection to determine if “I’m acting like my parents” tends to curb any learned behaviors. Of course, I could be subjecting my kids to subtle behaviors of my own, but education can be used to attempt to recognize these and abate them. ---
**Author:** ![madmonk28](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madmonk28/32/20811_2.png) [@madmonk28](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madmonk28)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2018, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/55 "2018-10-11T14:40:25Z")
> [@HoneyBadgerDC](#): > > …This all stemmed from her recent taking over of her moms care who has Alzheimer. I had been a full time care giver to her for the past 3 years and for the past 10 years have been handling a good deal of her life issues, medical, financial, etc. > > ``` > In a lot of ways she is still not that bad, holds a normal conversation, keeps herself well groomed, attends her AA meetings, but does tend to talk about the distant past more and more because she is loosing her short term memory almost entirely. But anyway, we had a bout a 3 week sexual fling. Maybe fooled around 4 or 5 times. She was aware enough to put on oldies romantic music like we used to play, light some candles and put on a sexy nighty... > > ``` It sure sounds like your stepdaughter’s interpretation is that you had nonconsensual sex with her mother, because her disease prevents her from making informed decisions. ---
**Author:** ![CarnalK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnalk/32/486_2.png) [@CarnalK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CarnalK)\ **Post date:** [October 11, 2018, 2:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/56 "2018-10-11T14:47:50Z")
> [@madmonk28](#): > > It sure sounds like your stepdaughter’s interpretation is that you had nonconsensual sex with her mother, because her disease prevents her from making informed decisions. The flip side is that the stepdaughter thinks her mom should never have sex again. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2018, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/57 "2018-10-12T17:38:42Z")
> [@Ludovic](#): > > He said “less likely”, not “impossible”. To be less likely beyond statistical error, the gay people in person still need to have assumed their homosexuality. ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2018, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/58 "2018-10-12T17:53:18Z")
I seem to recall reading that closeted gay guys actually were actually _more_ likely to have a child in their teens than average, especially in homophobic areas. If you got your girlfriend pregnant, you couldn’t be gay, right? That was during the 80’s/90’s, I don’t know if the pressure to pretend to be straight has dropped enough for that trend to vanish, I hope so, but I doubt it has entirely. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2018, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/59 "2018-10-12T21:13:39Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > If someone tells me their parents were abusive, I’ll likely ask for more details. If they give me some cockamamie about their parents not being supportive of all their dreams, no matter how financially burdensome, then I won’t agree with their assertion. However, if all the siblings are essentially saying that a parent was a horrible, then I’d take that as strong evidence that there was some abuse going on. > > It can also be that children simply don’t like their parents. Maybe their parents leave a lot to be desired, but their flaws don’t rise to the level of abuse. I don’t know if it is fair to judge a child as “bad people” just because they don’t have a lot of love for their parent and don’t enjoy spending any time with them. They would only be bad if they said they were abused. if I could add onto that, maybe the idea that the parents were “bad” could also be put into their heads by a psychologist/counselor/or therapist? Back in the 80’s and 90’s it seems like everyone was saying their parents were sex abusers or something. Why? They were going to see some therapist about a personal issue and the therapist would start out by pointing things out about their childhood and then from that, getting the person to blame all their problems on their parents. Even to the point of telling them they were abused but since they cannot remember it, the memory must be “suppressed”. People can have pretty good imaginations. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [October 12, 2018, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/60 "2018-10-12T21:15:48Z")
> [@Sloe\_Moe](#): > > My daughter is dead-set on a particular college program, in a particular college, and I’m deader-set against it. Goes completely against what I’ve worked for and nurtured all my professional life. But it occurred to me that the field I chose was completely alien to my parents and they never voiced any objections. The issue is not whether you think it is a good idea or not but are you required to pay for it? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690.md?page=4)