# Do some people never realize they were not good parents? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [October 9, 2018, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690 "2018-10-09T13:22:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![dorvann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/df705f/32.png) [@dorvann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dorvann)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2018, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/61 "2018-10-13T01:27:29Z")
My mother was never really that abusive; but she has suffered mental illness all her life and doesn’t really have good insight how her own behavior has hurt her relationships with other members of our family. That being said, I can also say from dealing with my family that some people don’t have good insight that they aren’t really good children to their parents. And that their problems are their own fault and not the result of anything their parents did to them. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2018, 5:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/62 "2018-10-13T17:15:29Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > The issue is not whether you think it is a good idea or not but are you required to pay for it? Do you think that parents who do the minimum they are “required” to and no more qualify as “good”? ---
**Author:** ![Licentious\_Ectomorph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@Licentious\_Ectomorph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Licentious_Ectomorph)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2018, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/63 "2018-10-13T18:08:48Z")
I am dead certain that my mother had undiagnosed Borderline Personality Disorder - undiagnosed because she would never in a million years entertain the notion that she had any flaws. She was constantly manufacturing conflicts with absolutely everyone, from her own family to hapless cashiers, and it was ALWAYS everyone else’s fault. If anyone called her out on her behavior, they were being mean to her, prompting still more histrionics. She was narcissistic, self-centered, and manipulative on an epic scale, and verbally, emotionally, and physically abusive. She was the most wretched excuse for a human being I have ever had the misfortune to know. Yet to her dying day, she was genuinely baffled as to why her kids didn’t like her and had as little as possible to do with her. Sometimes I wish I believed in Hell so I could believe the miserable bitch is finally getting what she deserves. ---
**Author:** ![Riemann](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/riemann/32/3133_2.png) [@Riemann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Riemann)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2018, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/64 "2018-10-13T18:31:37Z")
> [@WOOKINPANUB](#): > > _Barring any outright abuse_, I’d say most people do the best they can. After all, there is no definitive meaning of what a “good parent” is. Nobody sets out to be a shite parent. That being said, I’d be surprised if any parent doesn’t have some regrets / doubts about the job they’ve done. Also, I think it’s a shame that an adult can’t be arsed to visit their mother in a nursing home on a holiday. > [@Inigo\_Montoya](#): > > This is a very kind-hearted thought, and one I’d be inclined to agree with most of the time. However, I think it completely misses the mark on a nontrivial number of parents. There’s personality flaws and immaturity that can make someone a suboptimal parent. But when those flaws only become more defined with age, then cutting that venomous person out of your life is all you can do. **Not everyone deserves the comfort of a nursing home, let along the consolation of those who’ve been on the receiving end of their bullshit their entire lives.** (My bold) - yup. My reaction to WOOK’s comment was a more extreme WTF than yours, Inigo. Even setting aside the extremes of abuse, there’s _huge_ variation in effort, commitment and quality of parenting. A lot of people are just shitty, selfish, manipulative, nasty human beings, and many of those shitty human beings are parents. Far more frequently than grown-up kids who don’t make the effort to spend time with deserving parents, I’ve encountered the opposite situation, where grown-up kids who have been treated shabbily their whole lives _can’t_ cut off ties with nasty manipulative parents through a misplaced sense of duty. If people are third rate human beings, you have no obligation to dedicate any time or effort to them just because they happen to be your parents. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2018, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/65 "2018-10-13T18:54:28Z")
> [@Filbert](#): > > I don’t know if the pressure to pretend to be straight has dropped enough for that trend to vanish, I hope so, but I doubt it has entirely. Varies by location. Within countries where being gay is legal I expect it’s a lot higher in the same places where you find offerings for gay-conversion therapy. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2018, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/66 "2018-10-13T20:19:08Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > … Do you think many older persons in this situation might ever come to the realization of their ways … Given the selection bias likely not. Probably more who weren’t so horrific feeling regrets over the well intended mistakes they made. Anyone who is looking back and reviewing their past for what they did wrong is pretty likely not someone did as much wrong as the op’s person likely did. Very likely the persons of the op are persons who have been self-absorbed and of little ability to understand or be concerned about the needs of others their whole adult lives. Whether they met the criteria for any specific diagnostic category or not they’ve spent decades without much true intimacy and have over those years developed very secure defense mechanisms explaining to themselves and anyone who would care to listen why none of this is their fault. Suddenly in their 80s they are going to change that basic personality structure and thought patterns of 60 plus years? Be _able_ to _even if_ they somehow decided they needed and wanted to? Pretty dang unlikely. Whether or not their children, grandchildren, or other family, decide to have compassion and empathy for _them_ is an individual decision. Seems to me that if I was in that place demonstrating some compassion for that person would be in my own interest. I would need to be able to demonstrate _to myself_ what sort of person I am, that having had that parent does not mean that I am doomed to being that sort of selfish person myself. I sort of feel that an adult’s relationship with a very aged parent is kind of a reverse of the childhood parent child one. The child wanted _unconditional love_, and may not have gotten it. Are they able to _give_ it anyway? ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2018, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/67 "2018-10-13T20:35:21Z")
Maybe I did want “unconditional love”, but what I remember wanting is clarity. Fairness was a plus, but not even the main requirement. If your parent(s) have spent decades driving you crazy, rejecting you and blaming you for all kinds of things including some that didn’t even happen except in their imagination, and specially if they still do it… maybe it behooves you to stay on the healthy side of masochism. Ephesians 6:4: parents, do not exasperate your children (the English translations I find say “fathers”, the Spanish word covers both and I don’t know what does the original actually say). My relationship with my mother didn’t happen to start getting less bad until I got exasperated; it got less bad once I’d lost all hope that if I kept twisting myself into knots it would improve. I’m not sure if that counts as sarcasm, irony, or Mother Nature’s sense of humor being that of a complete bitch. ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [October 13, 2018, 9:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/68 "2018-10-13T21:08:41Z")
I judge not, just sharing a seems to me for me. But what I am thinking would be something that came _after_ accepting that their behavior is their behavior and not my fault, that it would not improve, on the heels of knowing I can expect only shit from them, accepting this person as the very flawed individual they are, not needing anything from them to know who and what I am. What I would get back, would expect to get back, from giving to them is nothing good from them. It would be a gift to my own sense of who I am from myself to myself. That’s just me. Maybe I need to prove that to myself by my actions, more so than others who are more sure. Dunno. What I would not do though is to risk that person’s pathology harming my spouse or children or my relationship with them. But again, to the op - no that person is not going to suddenly have some epiphany. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2018, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/69 "2018-10-14T01:04:39Z")
I think the “hurting my family” line is murky, though: if spending time with a truly toxic parent leaves you emotionally devastated and a total wreck, that means you are not going to be a responsive parent and spouse in the aftermath. My grandmother wasn’t particularly toxic, but the 5 years of her decline took a ton out of my mom: the constant NEED of a person in decline is pretty all-encompassing. Even with a “good” elderly parent, that was five years where she was very much more in need of emotional support from her family than capable of offering it. Which was fine, of course–that’s what family is for. But if her mom had been a raging bitch that left her even more devastated with each visit, I would have felt like that toxic grandparent was taking something from me, even if I never saw her. It’s not the same as letting your mom berate your kid directly, but it does take a toll. There’s also the sheer logistic issue: if you are spending time with a toxic parent at a nursing home, you aren’t spending time with family. Is it “harming your spouse or children” if you miss bedtime weekly, or don’t go volunteer to be room mother in their classroom, or any number of relatively innocuous things that you’d have to sacrifice to “to be the better person” than a toxic parent? That sounds like pride to me, more than anything. (disclaimer: my parents are awesome. I’m imagining.) ---
**Author:** ![DSeid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dseid/32/20194_2.png) [@DSeid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DSeid)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2018, 1:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/70 "2018-10-14T01:20:16Z")
> [@MandaJo](#): > > I think the “hurting my family” line is murky, though … Agreed. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [October 14, 2018, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690/71 "2018-10-14T02:39:18Z")
> [@Shagnasty](#): > > I don’t think I am the best parent in the world but, if there was a parenting Olympics, I would get the Gold Medal This statement is literally inconsistent with itself. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-some-people-never-realize-they-were-not-good-parents/822690.md?page=3)