# Do transgenders who have had sex changes have the obligation to tell their future partners? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 26, 2012, 3:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354 "2012-06-26T15:36:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Blackberry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ecd19e/32.png) [@Blackberry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blackberry)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354/81 "2012-06-28T14:50:37Z")
> [@Septima](#): > > In a dating type situation, it should be disclosed at more or less the same time frame as other major life stuff, i.e kids, previous marriages, zero-status, work situation and expectations for relationship. Which for me would be before sex, but it’s acceptable to leave it until a few dates in, depending on how you run these things. I would run the other way if I went on a few dates with someone before he finally got around to mentioning he had kids, or what his job was, or any really big thing like that he used to be a woman. That would be really strange. ---
**Author:** ![Feyrat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/fbc32d/32.png) [@Feyrat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feyrat)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354/82 "2012-06-28T16:00:09Z")
The word “obligation” is bullshit. No one has an obligation to tell their sexual partners anything except their disease status, if contagious. And no one’s going to “catch” trans from a transsexual. ---
**Author:** ![Myrnalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@Myrnalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Myrnalene)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354/83 "2012-06-28T17:24:22Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > Well, here’s the thing. If you’re thinking of having sex with someone, and you tell them you’re \, and after you tell them they don’t want to have sex with you, then that’s GOOD. Or, you know, they kill you. Or do you live in some alternative universe where that sort of thing doesn’t happen to trans people? ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354/84 "2012-06-28T17:27:03Z")
> [@Myrnalene](#): > > Or, you know, they kill you. Or do you live in some alternative universe where that sort of thing doesn’t happen to trans people? If you’re trans, why would you have sex with someone who might kill you if they find out? ---
**Author:** ![Una\_Persson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/una_persson/32/346_2.png) [@Una\_Persson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Una_Persson)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354/85 "2012-06-28T17:33:58Z")
The only possible context I can see this being relevant is from the standpoint of: 1. Ability to have children, 2. Potential health problems due to hormone replacement or surgical complications, 3. Potential work or insurance issues due to discrimination, or 4. Potential ban on getting legally married. And on #2, the jury is still out on whether long-term hormone replacement creates a statistically significant risk to transsexuals (I’m slogging through about 30 different research papers trying to come to a conclusion on that.) I’m always amazed at the number of people who proudly post to these threads what is essentially a thinly-veiled “trans panic” response. Kudos. :smack: Do you love someone for their genitals, or themselves? Yes we all have natural inclinations and even strong, exclusionary desires for one gender or another - I could never see myself falling in love for a male, under any circumstances. But if I did fall in love with a woman who then **after I was already in love** told me she was an M2F…so what? It would only concern me from the standpoint of the aforementioned 4 bullet items. ---
**Author:** ![Myrnalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@Myrnalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Myrnalene)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354/86 "2012-06-28T17:36:57Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > If you’re trans, why would you have sex with someone who might kill you if they find out? Being trans gives you psychic powers? Super cool! ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354/87 "2012-06-28T17:58:55Z")
> [@Myrnalene](#): > > Being trans gives you psychic powers? Super cool! It’s in all the brochures. Seriously, if a man is psychotic enough to attack a trans woman, when is he most likely to do so? At the beginning of a courtship, when she says there’s something he needs to know, or mid coitus, when he finds out on his own? ---
**Author:** ![Feyrat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/fbc32d/32.png) [@Feyrat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feyrat)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354/88 "2012-06-28T17:59:07Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > If you’re trans, why would you have sex with someone who might kill you if they find out? You cannot seriously be this naive. Do you totally avoid the news? There are many trans people who are assaulted when a boyfriend or girlfriend finds out about their past. There are also many trans people who are assaulted by total strangers who suspect they are gay or trans. It isn’t safe to be trans in the majority of the world. Would I be extremely cautious about who I disclosed that to? Hell yes! Would I tell people on the first date, when I really don’t know anything about their temper or background? Hell no. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354/89 "2012-06-28T18:02:33Z")
> [@Feyrat](#): > > Would I tell people on the first date, when I really don’t know anything about their temper or background? Hell no. Yeah, much safer to wait until intimacy begins. Who’s naive again? ---
**Author:** ![Myrnalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c4cdca/32.png) [@Myrnalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Myrnalene)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354/90 "2012-06-28T18:03:15Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > It’s in all the brochures. > > Seriously, if a man is psychotic enough to attack a trans woman, when is he most likely to do so? At the beginning of a courtship, when she says there’s something he needs to know, or mid coitus, when he finds out on his own? If she’s post-op, and this is a one night stand, he will very likely never know. ---
**Author:** ![Feyrat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/fbc32d/32.png) [@Feyrat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feyrat)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354/91 "2012-06-28T18:11:17Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Yeah, much safer to wait until intimacy begins. Who’s naive again? No, a trans is still not safe at that point. BUT they’re much safer if they feel like they know the person they’re revealing this information to than springing it on the first date. Do I think people - ANY people - should have sex with someone without some sort of emotional/mental intimacy first? No, I don’t. But to say that anyone’s obligated to disclose anything that isn’t contagious is bullshit. I was molested and raped when I was a child. Often my experience of sex as an adult is poor, and involves crying. Which, you know, generally makes my partner uncomfortable. Am I “obligated” to disclose the fact I’ve been molested on the first date, just in case it’s something my date will be uncomfortable with? ---
**Author:** ![Septima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@Septima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Septima)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 6:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354/92 "2012-06-28T18:12:13Z")
[QUOTE=Blackberry] I would run the other way if I went on a few dates with someone before he finally got around to mentioning he had kids, or what his job was, or any really big thing like that he used to be a woman. That would be really strange. [/QUOTE] I was thinking more along the lines of “I gave a kid up for adoption at 16”, “I got married in vegas, thank god for annulments!” and “You know, I’m thinking of going back to school if I can save the money.”, not “I have three kids at home”, “I’m still technically married” and “I’m not really a plumber”. And yeah, I think the best idea for a trans person is to date openly, but that’s not my call. The second date is perfectly acceptable. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354/93 "2012-06-28T18:23:51Z")
> [@Feyrat](#): > > No, a trans is still not safe at that point. Far less safe, in fact. I imagine that a raging homophobe would be far more likely to get enraged if he feels like he was deceived and taken advantage of by what he perceives as a homo. If we’re really going to argue that it’s a safety issue, are we really going to argue that you wouldn’t tell a potentially dangerous person about your past, but you’d have sex with him? That’s dangerously naive. That’s folly. **Feyrat** , I get that you wouldn’t tell a potential lover that you cry after sex. When do you tell them? After sex? ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354/94 "2012-06-28T18:54:51Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Sorry about this post. Early morning RO and being pre-caffeinated do not make a great mix. I take it back. No worries. ---
**Author:** ![Feyrat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/fbc32d/32.png) [@Feyrat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feyrat)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354/95 "2012-06-28T18:55:15Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Far less safe, in fact. I imagine that a raging homophobe would be far more likely to get enraged if he feels like he was deceived and taken advantage of by what he perceives as a homo. No, see, here’s where we’re talking past each other. I’m saying that the trans person should get to know the other person well enough that s/he knows whether or not the person is a raging homophobe. It’s not hard on a few dates to drop questions about religious/family backgrounds, SSM support, political background, etc. If the person comes off as a raging homophobe, then clearly you don’t sleep with them, and you don’t tell them you’re trans. I think it’s insane that you seem to be advocating the trans person should tell their date this stuff _before_ they have any kind of vetting. And that they’re obligated, in fact, to do so. That seems like crazy-talk. > [@tdn](#): > > If we’re really going to argue that it’s a safety issue, are we really going to argue that you wouldn’t tell a potentially dangerous person about your past, but you’d have sex with him? That’s dangerously naive. That’s folly. > > **Feyrat** , I get that you wouldn’t tell a potential lover that you cry after sex. When do you tell them? After sex? I would tell them when I get to know them better, and before I sleep with them. But I don’t feel like I have an obligation to tell them something like that right away and up-front. It’s not totally analogous, but I _have_ actually had men react to my information that I’ve been assaulted in the past to try and push me past my comfort zone into sex. Believe it or not, some guys think that if you’ve “let” someone rape you before, that you’re the kind of girl who gives it up easily, or would be too scared to protest. So you know, I have no problem whatsoever feeling that trans people have zero obligation to share this information with people they don’t know very well. The incidences of trans/homophobic violence is way too high. ---
**Author:** ![Feyrat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/fbc32d/32.png) [@Feyrat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feyrat)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354/96 "2012-06-28T18:57:58Z")
> [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > A related question that might help illustrate how folks feel about it: a married person in an open relationship seeks a one-night stand. Do they have an obligation to tell their partner about their open marriage? > > I tend to think they do. I’m curious whether folks answer differently or similarly for this question, and why. I tend to think they do, and here’s why: it’s very unlikely that the other person is going to attempt to murder their date if they find out they’re married. It’s less unlikely that a trans person will be in for a beating if they reveal themselves, at the very least. For trans people, it’s a safety issue, not to mention it’s got to be freaking tiring to get verbally abused for something that isn’t really under your control. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 6:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354/97 "2012-06-28T18:59:37Z")
> [@Feyrat](#): > > I think it’s insane that you seem to be advocating the trans person should tell their date this stuff _before_ they have any kind of vetting. And that they’re obligated, in fact, to do so. That seems like crazy-talk. Yes, we are talking past each other. I never said that there is an obligation to tell within the first 30 seconds of meeting. I’m not sure where you got that from. I said – quite clearly – that it’s a good idea to bring it up before intimacy begins. For many people that’s at least a few dates into the relationship. ---
**Author:** ![Feyrat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/fbc32d/32.png) [@Feyrat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feyrat)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 7:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354/98 "2012-06-28T19:05:39Z")
> [@tdn](#): > > Yes, we are talking past each other. I never said that there is an obligation to tell within the first 30 seconds of meeting. I’m not sure where you got that from. I said – quite clearly – that it’s a good idea to bring it up before intimacy begins. For many people that’s at least a few dates into the relationship. I agree with that, but I still don’t like the word obligation. “Good idea” is much, much better. I think it’s probably _wise_ to tell one’s partners a lot of things before the relationship escalates to the point of sex. Of course, I also think it’s wise to, you know, have a relationship and not just a one-night stand, but either way I just can’t feel it’s an obligation. Just a very good idea. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354/99 "2012-06-28T19:08:53Z")
I agree, good idea is a lot better than obligation. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [June 28, 2012, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354/100 "2012-06-28T20:55:46Z")
> [@BleizDu](#): > > Is it that unusual though? > For having sex with someone I just need some kind of physical or mental attraction. > For a relationship I need someone I can enjoy to live with 24/7 and who can support me, and whom I can support, when things go bad. > I know many people are different, but I don’t think I’m odd in that. I guess I mean it the other way around. Yes, there are people you might want to have sex with that you wouldn’t consider a relationship with. But it makes no sense to consider a relationship with someone you’d refuse to have sex with. What’s fucked up is the notion that good wife doesn’t like sex, because if she liked sex she’d be a whore, and you don’t wanna marry a whore do you? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-transgenders-who-have-had-sex-changes-have-the-obligation-to-tell-their-future-partners/626354.md?page=6)