# Do Victims of Sexual Abuse bear resposibility ? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 12, 2011, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734 "2011-11-12T22:38:29Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9fc348/32.png) [@The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Flying_Dutchman)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734/21 "2011-11-13T05:46:21Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > I’m not saying I wouldn’t believe a kid who said they were being abused. I’m just saying it seems weird that teen boys, who aren’t exactly known for enlightened attitudes towards gay people, would brag about getting a blow job from a man. Bragging about getting a blow job from a man isn’t exactly showing an enlightened attitude. ---
**Author:** ![Darryl\_Lict](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7cd45c/32.png) [@Darryl\_Lict](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darryl_Lict)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734/22 "2011-11-13T05:59:04Z")
> [@The\_Flying\_Dutchman](#): > > Perhaps my hometown was an anomoly. There never was any gay bashing at that time, although we (the young teen age boys) knew of quite a few queers in the town decades before anyone came out of the closet. These “cocksuckers” were held in contempt though. I agree with **Freudian Slit**. Out of curiosity, what town, state or country were you in, and what year was this? ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734/23 "2011-11-13T06:10:46Z")
I was only six when my father molested me. I didn’t know what he was doing was even wrong. He didn’t hurt me, he mostly just made me touch him. I didn’t realize until I was around 12 what he was doing was wrong but I was still confused about the whole thing until I was much older than even that. I told my best girlfriend about it when I was 14 but she’d been molested along with her three sisters and brother and her brother and sister even had a baby so I felt like my complaint was not really so bad. But it messed with me for years. My dad is not a good person even without that little set of memories. I developed such a hate for him of course I refused to see him when I was an adult, which wasn’t usually a big deal anyway because he’s a drifter. I never told my mother. It’s odd because we were very, very close. I didn’t tell my first or second husband either. It was just boiling inside me for a long time. I only felt safe enough to tell Mig after we’d been together a few years and he wondered why I just really don’t get into sex and sexual touching. When I let it out I mean I REALLY let it out, in a hysterical wailing breakdown. Since then I’ve told other family members. The hardest person to tell was my brother, because I sensed that he wouldn’t really believe me. I was right. Or, rather he played it off like it wasn’t that big a deal since I wasn’t literally raped. He and I have become distant since then-- my biggest fear about the whole thing came true. I regret telling him. So maybe that’s what other victims are afraid of? ---
**Author:** ![Farmer\_Jane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Farmer\_Jane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Farmer_Jane)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 6:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734/24 "2011-11-13T06:12:45Z")
No, it’s not your responsiblity and I hate it when someone says, “Well, you need to report it because he/she will do it again.” It’s your choice if you want to relive that about 77 times in public. ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 6:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734/25 "2011-11-13T06:13:41Z")
If you were “bragging about it” you were trying not to see yourself as a victim. It happened to you. Were you given a choice? ---
**Author:** ![banjoDavid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3d9bf3/32.png) [@banjoDavid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/banjoDavid)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734/26 "2011-11-13T13:17:26Z")
I was molested by my Uncle Frank when I was a kid, beginning maybe at age 4 and continuing until 12, I don’t remember many details, BUT I KNOW IT HAPPENED. I struggled with eating disorders, anti-social behavior, and school issues that were repercussions of Frank and his nastiness. I started seeing therapists at an early age, but NONE of them asked about this kind of abuse. In therapy and 12 step meetings as an adult, I looked at it. 22 years ago, I confronted Frank over the phone. I told him I remembered, I had told some people, and I might tell EVERYONE. I went on a Geraldo show talking about men with eating disorders and sexual abuse survival. About 17 years ago, I sent letters to all the members of my family I could reach, and outed Frank and his abuse. I got support from 2 cousins, and 2 aunts, and 1 uncle. Silence from the rest. I had told my parents earlier, and they were devastated. They didn’t know, and the knowledge that they didn’t protect me hurt them terribly. 6 years ago, I went to Frank’s funeral. 2 of his sons-in laws THANKED me for showing up. Most everybody was silent to me. I was told that they had kept the kids away after I sent the letters. THAT MADE ME FEEL THE BEST. What I did protected others. Abuse affects everyone differently. Responses can’t be predicted. ABUSERS ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR ABUSE David ---
**Author:** ![The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9fc348/32.png) [@The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Flying_Dutchman)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734/27 "2011-11-13T14:58:49Z")
> [@Darryl\_Lict](#): > > I agree with **Freudian Slit**. Out of curiosity, what town, state or country were you in, and what year was this? Niagara on the Lake, Ontario, Canada early to mid 60s ---
**Author:** ![The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9fc348/32.png) [@The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Flying_Dutchman)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734/28 "2011-11-13T15:12:11Z")
> [@SnakesCatLady](#): > > If you were “bragging about it” you were trying not to see yourself as a victim. It happened to you. Were you given a choice? I wasn’t bragging or maybe I was. I led a protected life (not allowed to hang out at night) and my encounter with the perp was a result of delivering newspapers to him. If memory serves me correctly I did tell my male peers at school, because I was more ashamed for my lack of “worldly experience” that they had. Though I felt embarrassed at the moment, I can’t recall feeling shame. It was my first experience as a sex object. A rite of passage. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 3:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734/29 "2011-11-13T15:25:44Z")
> [@The\_Flying\_Dutchman](#): > > Bragging about getting a blow job from a man isn’t exactly showing an enlightened attitude. I don’t mean that bragging about getting a blow job is enlightened. I just mean that a typical teen boy is more likely to have homophobic attitudes which would make bragging about same sex experiences seem strange. I’d just think that teenagers would be more likely to brag about sex with attractive girls, not with men. ---
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734/30 "2011-11-13T15:43:40Z")
A rape victim is victim, obviously. But it should also be acknowledged that a person’s actions & behaviors can increase/decrease the likelihood of being a victim. Let’s say, for example, I walk around a crime-ridden neighborhood wearing a Rolex and holding a huge wad of cash. I get robbed. Was I victim? Yes. Was I stupid for walking around a crime-ridden neighborhood wearing a Rolex and holding a huge wad of cash? Yes. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734/31 "2011-11-13T15:56:17Z")
> [@Crafter\_Man](#): > > A rape victim is victim, obviously. But it should also be acknowledged that a person’s actions & behaviors can increase/decrease the likelihood of being a victim. > > Let’s say, for example, I walk around a crime-ridden neighborhood wearing a Rolex and holding a huge wad of cash. I get robbed. Was I victim? Yes. Was I stupid for walking around a crime-ridden neighborhood wearing a Rolex and holding a huge wad of cash? Yes. This thread is about responsibility of stopping future rapes by reporting the rapist. How does your post relate to that? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9fc348/32.png) [@The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Flying_Dutchman)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734/32 "2011-11-13T16:16:10Z")
> [@Crafter\_Man](#): > > A rape victim is victim, obviously. But it should also be acknowledged that a person’s actions & behaviors can increase/decrease the likelihood of being a victim. > > Let’s say, for example, I walk around a crime-ridden neighborhood wearing a Rolex and holding a huge wad of cash. I get robbed. Was I victim? Yes. Was I stupid for walking around a crime-ridden neighborhood wearing a Rolex and holding a huge wad of cash? Yes. This kind of attitude is why young rape victims don’t report rape . They think just like you do. If only the victim had acted a little differently… ---
**Author:** ![Crafter\_Man](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crafter_man/32/458_2.png) [@Crafter\_Man](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crafter_Man)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 5:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734/33 "2011-11-13T17:00:19Z")
> [@The\_Flying\_Dutchman](#): > > If only the victim had acted a little differently… In many cases it is true. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734/34 "2011-11-13T17:03:43Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > Yeah, I just can’t imagine a teenage boy – then or now, to be honest – bragging about it. Even for all the beer and cigarettes in the world. I’m sure it happens but it just seems like something that most adolescents wouldn’t want to admit to in front of their friends. This type of behavior (tolerance/acceptance of youthful homosexual activity) is common in a lot of cultures, even here in the US. Per Dr. John Money (noted sexologist), it was a rite of passage in many communities in eastern Baltimore in the 40’s-70’s. There is no one set of behaviors or responses for a “typical teenage boy”. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 5:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734/35 "2011-11-13T17:10:08Z")
> [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](#): > > This type of behavior (tolerance/acceptance of youthful homosexual activity) is common in a lot of cultures, even here in the US. Per Dr. John Money (noted sexologist), it was a rite of passage in many communities in eastern Baltimore in the 40’s-70’s. > > There is no one set of behaviors or responses for a “typical teenage boy”. Fascinating. I’d never heard of this before in the U.S. among teen boys, but I guess not having been a teen boy, maybe there’s a lot I’ve missed out on. ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734/36 "2011-11-13T17:14:58Z")
I’m sorry I’m confused. Is this about child sexual abuse or rape of adults? ---
**Author:** ![The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/9fc348/32.png) [@The\_Flying\_Dutchman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Flying_Dutchman)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2011, 5:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734/37 "2011-11-13T17:19:49Z")
> [@Rushgeekgirl](#): > > I’m sorry I’m confused. Is this about child sexual abuse or rape of adults? Its still child sexual abuse, even if the child consents or does not feel he/she is harmed. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2011, 8:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734/38 "2011-11-14T08:51:25Z")
Of course not. One of the biggest demotivators for reporting abuse is that the victim is put on trial–both in the courtroom, and in the court of public opinion. All you have to do is look at the thread of the girl who videotaped her judge-dad beating the shit out of her with a belt. People started to question her motives for reporting it in the first place… Why did she wait? Why did she blahblahblah, as if it fucking matters _why_. This happens nearly every time abuse is reported. And every time I see what happens to abuse victims who speak up, I get one step further away from wanting to report what happened to them. And there’s also victim-blaming apologist bullshit like this to worry about: > [@Crafter\_Man](#): > > A rape victim is victim, obviously. But it should also be acknowledged that a person’s actions & behaviors can increase/decrease the likelihood of being a victim. Clearly I’m stupid for making the poor decision to be born to a pedophile. :rolleyes: If you (collective) want to know why abuse victims don’t consistently come forward and report, take a look at **yourself**. ---
**Author:** ![MandaJo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ac91a4/32.png) [@MandaJo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MandaJo)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2011, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734/39 "2011-11-14T13:34:50Z")
I think it can get really, really complicated. I totally understand and agree that an abuse can’t and shouldn’t create an obligation to put yourself through more pain. But at the same time, if, for example, my child were sexually abused by a family member (by far the most likely scenario, statistically) and I found out after the fact that other family members that were now adults had been victims and had watched me leave my child alone with their abuser and said nothing. . . I’d have a lot of trouble getting past that. I might understand, intellectually, that they couldn’t talk about it, and if they could have, they would have, but emotionally? I think I’d be angry. Nothing like as angry as I’d be with the abuser, of course–not in the same universe of anger–but the feeling would be there. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [November 14, 2011, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734/40 "2011-11-14T14:32:36Z")
> [@chiroptera](#): > > It’s called grooming. > > [Grooming Children for Sexual Molestation by Gregory M. Weber : The Zero 5.0laf - The Official Website of Andrew Vachss](http://www.vachss.com/guest_dispatches/grooming.html) > [Sexual grooming - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Child_grooming) I’m glad to see Andrew Vachss’s homepage linked to in this thread. He is the world’s authority on the subject. There’s also the pedophile who married a woman with children, or even marries a woman to have children that they then abuse. It’s called “growing your own.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-victims-of-sexual-abuse-bear-resposibility/602734.md?page=3)