# Do we miss people or the times we had with them? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 25, 2019, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229 "2019-08-25T20:17:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2019, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/21 "2019-08-28T19:28:57Z")
I heard something on a radio talk show about 30 years ago that was a real life changer for me. The speaker made the statement that when we fall in love we fall in love with the way we feel about ourselves while in the presence of that other person. You can apply that to any and all kinds of relationships, professional, personal, social. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2019, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/22 "2019-08-28T19:30:16Z")
> [@Machinaforce](#): > > [From Attachment to Detachment: A Buddhist Solution. | elephant journal](http://www.elephantjournal.com/2016/09/from-attachment-to-detachment-a-buddhist-solution/) Oh look a Buddhist site. I’m shocked, I tell you, shocked. I feel it’s worth noting that after reading all these sites you keep linking, I still have no clear idea what these people mean by the word “attachment”. (And when I tried drilling down through links to find a page, article, _something_ that gave a clear answer, it suddenly stopped serving up pages and asked me for money.) Regardless, they definitely don’t use the word like humans do and I consider it highly probable that neither you or I know what they mean by the term. So I would caution you from drawing inferences from _anything_ they say that uses the term, until you can be confident you understand what they heck they mean by it. Because unless you do you are guaranteed to misunderstand them and start coming up with wild ideas. I would also recommend that you not _bother_ learning what they mean by the term, and go hang out with friends instead. I don’t expect you to listen to me though. ---
**Author:** ![Machinaforce](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/aeb1de/32.png) [@Machinaforce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machinaforce)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2019, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/23 "2019-08-28T23:21:04Z")
> [@begbert2](#): > > Oh look a Buddhist site. I’m shocked, I tell you, shocked. > > I feel it’s worth noting that after reading all these sites you keep linking, I still have no clear idea what these people mean by the word “attachment”. (And when I tried drilling down through links to find a page, article, _something_ that gave a clear answer, it suddenly stopped serving up pages and asked me for money.) > > Regardless, they definitely don’t use the word like humans do and I consider it highly probable that neither you or I know what they mean by the term. So I would caution you from drawing inferences from _anything_ they say that uses the term, until you can be confident you understand what they heck they mean by it. Because unless you do you are guaranteed to misunderstand them and start coming up with wild ideas. > > I would also recommend that you not _bother_ learning what they mean by the term, and go hang out with friends instead. I don’t expect you to listen to me though. I try that but sometimes I wonder if Buddhism is right and it’s not the person I like but the time I have with that person, which makes me sound cold in some manner because I don’t love them but just the times I had with them. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2019, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/24 "2019-08-28T23:52:29Z")
> [@Machinaforce](#): > > I try that but sometimes I wonder if Buddhism is right and it’s not the person I like but the time I have with that person, which makes me sound cold in some manner because I don’t love them but just the times I had with them. Well, I already aired my opinions on that subject. I love the people themselves, not just the times we have. To the degree that Buddhism may or may not say that that’s impossible to do, my existence disproves it. ---
**Author:** ![Machinaforce](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/aeb1de/32.png) [@Machinaforce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machinaforce)\ **Post date:** [September 1, 2019, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/25 "2019-09-01T22:12:04Z")
Well according this you don’t: > [@](#): > > Very much so, you know. > > Everything around you is an illusion in fact. For example, if you are one light year away from the earth and you see the earth, you see events from one year ago. So what does that mean? Every event is so unreal that our perception of stuff mattering is almost comical. > > One more thing is what love are we talking about here? Is it love towards the immortal stuff like music, science and art? or are we talking boy-girl love here? > > First, let me come to the latter part > > Human beings are fickle. > > It is said in Bhagavad Gita > “canchalam hi manah Krishna > pramathi balavad drdham > tasyaham nigraham manye > vayor iva su-duskaram” > > (Translation - Oh Krishna, the mind is fickle, turbulent , obstinate and restless. To control it seems more difficult than controlling a full blown storm) > > Arjun mentions a problem that we have all faced at some point in our lives. We just cannot control our mind. One minute, I’m thinking of focussing on work and the next minute, here I am on Quora answering random questions. How many days have you procrastinated stuff? As Arjun mentioned, its easier to control a storm than to control the human brain. > > This is the fickle mind that we are dealing with. It is just impossible to create a “real” bond between one such human mind and another….especially when one has choices in choosing another mind - that is, your love towards your mother can be true because , one can have only one mother…thus in fact your love is towards maternity than towards the mind of the mother itself…no one would love their mother if the mother wasn’t kind and loving….would you love your mother if she had harassed you verbally and physically as a kid? No…because, you love the concept of maternity…which is care…and not the human being, that is the mother itself. > > Now coming to lovers, a person has more than one choice for another human being as a “lover”. Now he/she categorizes a lot before choosing one …and that narrows it down to around a million rather than a billion choices. Now can we trust our fickle mind to bond “really” with another such fickle mind? The answer is no, the bond is not real. It is an illusion. > > This illusion is created because we want it to be created. As things stand, no “normal” human being will like to admit that deep inside they are lonely. How much ever you claim to love a person, all the person can do is stand by and watch during some of your sufferings. Sure you’ll claim that him/her “being there for you” is a great sign….but no, its not a great sign…its a sign of weakness…if your mind is strong enough, you won’t need anyone to “be there for you” > > Popularisation of idiotic things like mocking the guy who eats alone or mocking a guy who is single and forty years old in our sex-minded society is what has led to the popularisation of the concept of love. People want to believe that they have found their true lover….so that they aren’t “forty, single and eating alone”… > > To sum it up - Love towards abstract things is ironically real…mainly because abstract things are a perception of one’s own mind…and hence your mind is totally attached to it. > > Love towards “real” things is ironically an illusion…mainly because both of your minds are fickle ---
**Author:** ![Machinaforce](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/aeb1de/32.png) [@Machinaforce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machinaforce)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2019, 1:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/26 "2019-09-02T01:02:28Z")
The principle is about the same. ---
**Author:** ![DrFidelius](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drfidelius/32/3447_2.png) [@DrFidelius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrFidelius)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2019, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/27 "2019-09-02T01:21:51Z")
Get professional help to break the cycle of your obsessions. ---
**Author:** ![Machinaforce](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/aeb1de/32.png) [@Machinaforce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machinaforce)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2019, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/28 "2019-09-02T03:22:24Z")
> [@DrFidelius](#): > > Get professional help to break the cycle of your obsessions. The problem is the arguments themselves, even the therapist said so. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2019, 2:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/29 "2019-09-02T14:24:05Z")
> [@Machinaforce](#): > > The problem is the arguments themselves, even the therapist said so. No he didn’t. He might have acknowledged the fact that the arguments are bad just to get you to stop obsessing and wasting hours of therapy. But he almost certainly didn’t say your problem is the bad arguments. Because it’s not his job to fix bad arguments on the internet. It’s his job to help you manage your obsessive behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Nava](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/da6949/32.png) [@Nava](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nava)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2019, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/30 "2019-09-02T14:28:08Z")
> [@Zeldar](#): > > The more I think about this specific question and the idea(s) behind it, the more it reminds me of that old koan: what is the sound of of one hand clapping? (or something along those lines…) Depends, does it have a castagnette? ---
**Author:** ![Machinaforce](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/aeb1de/32.png) [@Machinaforce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machinaforce)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2019, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/31 "2019-09-02T16:33:13Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > No he didn’t. He might have acknowledged the fact that the arguments are bad just to get you to stop obsessing and wasting hours of therapy. But he almost certainly didn’t say your problem is the bad arguments. Because it’s not his job to fix bad arguments on the internet. It’s his job to help you manage your obsessive behavior. No they told me it was the arguments. When I shared the above one with him he mentioned that it is true, in that we tend to love the ideas around people rather than the person. I was asking him if he had any counter points to that and he said he didn’t really know. I appreciate the honesty I guess. But you guys keep calling it bad arguments but don’t really say why. The paragraph I linked seems like an exact explanation of the situation. That you think you love your mother but it’s really care that you like because if she mistreated you then you wouldn’t love her. It’s similar to liking the time you spent with someone but not the person, or rather projecting one onto the other. ---
**Author:** ![Machinaforce](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/aeb1de/32.png) [@Machinaforce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machinaforce)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2019, 4:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/32 "2019-09-02T16:35:15Z")
It was the same issue with everything else I posed to him, he mentioned to me the problem was the questions or the subject matter but that he couldn’t really answer them. ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2019, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/33 "2019-09-02T17:36:15Z")
You admitted earlier that your fondness for your dog was for her, specifically. I think the correct answer is “both”: you miss the person and you miss things you did with them. I strongly recommend that you look at philosophies other then Buddhism. Its teachings seem to upset you and offer you, personally, no value. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2019, 6:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/34 "2019-09-02T18:18:23Z")
> [@Machinaforce](#): > > No they told me it was the arguments. When I shared the above one with him he mentioned that it is true, in that we tend to love the ideas around people rather than the person. I was asking him if he had any counter points to that and he said he didn’t really know. I appreciate the honesty I guess. I can only speculate, but my sense is that he didn’t want to waste the hour arguing with you about it. > [@Machinaforce](#): > > But you guys keep calling it bad arguments but don’t really say why. The paragraph I linked seems like an exact explanation of the situation. That you think you love your mother but it’s really care that you like because if she mistreated you then you wouldn’t love her. It’s a trite,meaningless statement. Really fucked up relationships (and people) aside, name me a situation in which you would love someone for treating you very badly. > [@Machinaforce](#): > > It’s similar to liking the time you spent with someone but not the person, or rather projecting one onto the other. No it isn’t. You loved your dog because she gave you joy and loyalty. There were very specific character traits that you loved about her besides. You’d have loved a different dog just as much and that dog would have some different attributes which you would also love. You wouldn’t likely love a dog that wanted to tear your hand off every time you came near it. What you love is the target of your affection, the affection they show you, the characteristics they possesses/express and the way the entire relationship makes you feel. It’s non-transferable. It’s non-deconstructable. It’s all of it. It’s complicated. That is why the argument that you’re currently obsessing over is a bad argument. It’s simplistic. And that’s the appeal for you. You want a simple explanation, and there is not one. ---
**Author:** ![Machinaforce](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/aeb1de/32.png) [@Machinaforce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machinaforce)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2019, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/35 "2019-09-02T19:58:37Z")
> [@Sunny\_Daze](#): > > You admitted earlier that your fondness for your dog was for her, specifically. > > I think the correct answer is “both”: you miss the person and you miss things you did with them. > > I strongly recommend that you look at philosophies other then Buddhism. Its teachings seem to upset you and offer you, personally, no value. It’s not a matter of being helpful but trying to have an accurate view of reality and living to what is true. ---
**Author:** ![Machinaforce](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/aeb1de/32.png) [@Machinaforce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machinaforce)\ **Post date:** [September 2, 2019, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/36 "2019-09-02T20:09:18Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > I can only speculate, but my sense is that he didn’t want to waste the hour arguing with you about it. > > It’s a trite,meaningless statement. Really fucked up relationships (and people) aside, name me a situation in which you would love someone for treating you very badly. > > No it isn’t. You loved your dog because she gave you joy and loyalty. There were very specific character traits that you loved about her besides. You’d have loved a different dog just as much and that dog would have some different attributes which you would also love. You wouldn’t likely love a dog that wanted to tear your hand off every time you came near it. What you love is the target of your affection, the affection they show you, the characteristics they possesses/express and the way the entire relationship makes you feel. It’s non-transferable. It’s non-deconstructable. It’s all of it. It’s complicated. That is why the argument that you’re currently obsessing over is a bad argument. It’s simplistic. And that’s the appeal for you. You want a simple explanation, and there is not one. Except you’re wrong, it’s not a simple argument but one that points out something that I never considered before. Did I really miss my dog or just the times I had. Or if she wasn’t nice would I still like her? It’s the same with people. DO I like them or just the actions at a certain time. You call an argument trite but don’t take it down, which isn’t a good look. You describe traits, but traits are just these ethereal and transitory concepts,which just proves the guy right in the paragraph. That I like those traits, but not the actual human or animal. Your long paragraph proves his point exactly. ---
**Author:** ![Machinaforce](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/aeb1de/32.png) [@Machinaforce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machinaforce)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2019, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/37 "2019-09-03T06:28:36Z")
In this sense I wonder if I just project feelings onto an animal that likely doesn’t feel the same. I mean she didn’t like me much but I was broken up by it, which is why her death was a puzzle to me. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2019, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/38 "2019-09-03T06:51:40Z")
Man, that’s really just sad. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2019, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/39 "2019-09-03T12:11:58Z")
> [@Machinaforce](#): > > Except you’re wrong, it’s not a simple argument but one that points out something that I never considered before. Did I really miss my dog or just the times I had. Or if she wasn’t nice would I still like her? No, I’m definitely right. It’s a trite and stupid argument that you’re obsessed with, as usual. > [@Machinaforce](#): > > It’s the same with people. DO I like them or just the actions at a certain time. You call an argument trite but don’t take it down, which isn’t a good look. You describe traits, but traits are just these ethereal and transitory concepts,which just proves the guy right in the paragraph. That I like those traits, but not the actual human or animal. Your long paragraph proves his point exactly. You really are a sad and broken toy. I don’t think engaging with you in these pointless discussions, attempting to make you see the light of day is of any value to you, or anyone who takes the time to do so. Keep going to therapy. Maybe it will help you some day. I’m out. ---
**Author:** ![Jasmine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jasmine/32/2964_2.png) [@Jasmine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jasmine)\ **Post date:** [September 3, 2019, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/40 "2019-09-03T12:20:20Z")
Our relationships with people are based on the “times” we had with them. If there are no “times” with people, there are no relationships. Your question implies that, somehow, our feeling for people and our experiences with those people are somehow separate things. They are not. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229.md?page=3)