# Do we miss people or the times we had with them? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 25, 2019, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229 "2019-08-25T20:17:39Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2019, 10:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/81 "2019-09-18T22:02:43Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Sure you do. What? You think it’s magic or something? > I decide to believe 1000s of things everyday. > And, son you can too. It’s called ‘adulting’. Er, I also think you can’t consciously decide to believe something. You can decide to _act_ like you believe it, operating on trust and such, but whether or not you _actually_ believe something is not in the realm of conscious decision making - it’s more a subconscious thing. If you want to change your beliefs, you have to change the factset your subconscious is working with. Seek out more information, analize the information you already have, work to recognize your biases and stress to yourself that they _are_ biases and that buddhism _isn’t_ some magical truth-bastion that should be trusted without proof. Stuff like that. But you can’t just _decide_ to believe in the FSM and such. ---
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2019, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/82 "2019-09-18T22:20:47Z")
I can. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2019, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/83 "2019-09-18T22:23:31Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > I can. I find that hard to picture - to the point that I think we must be misunderstanding each other. Could you, right now, start fervently believing in the Flying Spaghetti Monster? Could you, right now, replace your belief that gravity is correlated with mass with a belief that gravity pulls like it does because magical elves just arbitrarily decide which directions to push things in? ---
**Author:** ![pool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pool/32/4152_2.png) [@pool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pool)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2019, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/84 "2019-09-18T22:27:49Z")
I don’t get why it has to be one or the other, you can miss the person and miss the times you had at the same time. Sometimes people change for the worse, like let’s say they become a bad drug addict, they undergo personality changes and they aren’t the same person, they have changed but you can still miss the person that they used to be. Also you can love or enjoy being with a person not just because of how you feel about them, but how they make you feel about yourself. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2019, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/85 "2019-09-18T22:32:37Z")
Also I’ve seen people mourn people they’ve never done _any_ activities with. Ever seen somebody who’s lost a just-born or not-quite-born baby? ---
**Author:** ![Sunny\_Daze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunny_daze/32/438_2.png) [@Sunny\_Daze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunny_Daze)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2019, 10:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/86 "2019-09-18T22:55:04Z")
> [@Machinaforce](#): > > A therapist can’t help me against the arguments being made and no one has proven them false besides just sweeping them away with casual dismissal. > > There is no treatment for the harsh truth. You said the following about your dog: > [@Machinaforce](#): > > I guess that exact moment wouldn’t be the same without her to be truthful. Without her little stamping feet and such it would not be the same. The fact that you are choosing to believe that your dog wasn’t important because a website says so, means that this statement is false: > [@Machinaforce](#): > > You don’t decide to believe something. For the record, I also believe that you can decide to believe something. Sometimes you have evidence, sometimes you don’t, sometimes you go with your gut, and sometimes you tell your gut what it believes. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2019, 11:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/87 "2019-09-18T23:00:15Z")
> [@Sunny\_Daze](#): > > For the record, I also believe that you can decide to believe something. Sometimes you have evidence, sometimes you don’t, sometimes you go with your gut, and sometimes you tell your gut what it believes. Every time I’ve told my gut we were going to believe something my gut responded with, “No chance bucko, but if you want to go along and _pretend_ to buy it, acting like a looby all the while, I’ll just hang back watching and quietly saying ‘I told you so’.” ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 18, 2019, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/88 "2019-09-18T23:24:18Z")
> [@Machinaforce](#): > > A therapist can’t help me against the arguments being made and no one has proven them false besides just sweeping them away with casual dismissal. > > There is no treatment for the harsh truth. No, a therapist can help you stop obsessing about all of this in the first place. It has nothing to do with “casual dismissals”. You do sound honestly obsessed. If you’re so worried about that, you can find a therapist who’s a Buddhist. But a therapist isn’t there to debate with you, or just tell you what you want to hear. ---
**Author:** ![Machinaforce](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/aeb1de/32.png) [@Machinaforce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machinaforce)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2019, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/89 "2019-09-19T00:24:45Z")
> [@Sunny\_Daze](#): > > You said the following about your dog: > The fact that you are choosing to believe that your dog wasn’t important because a website says so, means that this statement is false: > > For the record, I also believe that you can decide to believe something. Sometimes you have evidence, sometimes you don’t, sometimes you go with your gut, and sometimes you tell your gut what it believes. Essentially yes, it made me rethink what I actually missed and I was sad to realize that it wasn’t her. Then again it is the same religion that refers to loneliness as some kind of sickness: > [@](#): > > What you’re experiencing is normal suffering due to loneliness. Psychologists will tell you it’s normal as long as it does not interfere negatively on your physical or mental health. Most people do something to ease feelings of loneliness (make new friends, read, do sports, watch TV, …). But that’s not curing loneliness. It’s like having a disease and alleviating its symptoms. This is no different than being depressive and drinking alcohol to ease the depression. Off course it’s not dysfunctional as drinking alcohol, but the mechanism is the same: you suffer, and instead of resolving your main problems which are the cause of your suffering, you’re postponing their resolution to a later date. ---
**Author:** ![Machinaforce](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/aeb1de/32.png) [@Machinaforce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machinaforce)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2019, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/90 "2019-09-19T00:27:28Z")
> [@Guinastasia](#): > > No, a therapist can help you stop obsessing about all of this in the first place. It has nothing to do with “casual dismissals”. You do sound honestly obsessed. > > If you’re so worried about that, you can find a therapist who’s a Buddhist. But a therapist isn’t there to debate with you, or just tell you what you want to hear. That’s why a therapist can’t help because none of them can dispute the claims with a good argument. I have read what people have written, but those still fall under the “missing the times you had and not the person” component of the argument. Same with the paragraph saying you like the abstract parts but not the person (care, humor, kindness). ---
**Author:** ![The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/the_other_waldo_pepper/32/12370_2.png) [@The\_Other\_Waldo\_Pepper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Other_Waldo_Pepper)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2019, 2:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/91 "2019-09-19T02:09:02Z")
> [@Machinaforce](#): > > That’s why a therapist can’t help because none of them can dispute the claims with a good argument. > > I have read what people have written, but those still fall under the “missing the times you had and not the person” component of the argument. Same with the paragraph saying you like the abstract parts but not the person (care, humor, kindness). All apologies, but you kinda tipped your hand with _“Well a Buddhist site said it so it must be the truth”_: we now know what you hold up as a good argument, and it’s the exact opposite of one. We now know what apparently impresses you, but mimicking that approach — even to win you over — would be shameful. Take a long look at what you’re blithely insisting, there: you’re not claiming that Buddhist arguments are true because you think they’re true; you’re claiming that they’re true because you think they’re Buddhist. That’s, uh, _wrong,_ is the thing. Might be your fundamental error, right there. ---
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2019, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/92 "2019-09-19T13:00:13Z")
> [@Machinaforce](#): > > That’s why a therapist can’t help because none of them can dispute the claims with a good argument. It is not their fucking job to be your rhetorical sparring partner. That you believe that you have the right harangue every person you meet with your incessant bullshit is some new level of entitlement. Get it through your head: Nobody cares about your struggle for the Truth because it’s delusional and obsessive. That your therapist doesn’t engage you in this wankery is a credit to him/her. They are there to treat you. But if you refuse to cooperate with your treatment, they will just take your money and see you next week. Much like us. Though I feel like we should be getting paid at this point as well. See you next week. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [September 19, 2019, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/93 "2019-09-19T18:54:23Z")
> [@Machinaforce](#): > > I have read what people have written, but those still fall under the “missing the times you had and not the person” component of the argument. Same with the paragraph saying you like the abstract parts but not the person (care, humor, kindness). There are people I’ve cared for despite not seeing them for long periods of time. According to your position I should be no more saddened by their death then I am by their departure. This is wrong, because your position is wrong. If the only interest you have in a person/animal is what they can do for you and what you can get out of them, I think that’s sociopathy. ---
**Author:** ![Limmin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f04885/32.png) [@Limmin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Limmin)\ **Post date:** [September 20, 2019, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/94 "2019-09-20T19:58:34Z")
As others have said, I think you miss both ways, missing the times you shared, and the person themselves. I’ve often felt I miss my departed brother in 3 ways: a) Miss growing up with him, the fun times we used to have. b) Miss being able to see him as often as I’d like, when he had a busy career and I could hardly get to see him. So, I missed having access to him during this period. c) Miss him, now that he’s gone. I can’t call him up and talk with him, and share experiences with him that I am sure he’d really appreciate. I often stop and think “wow, he’d really think that is cool. I wish I could tell him about it…” So I’m left to imagine how he would react. ---
**Author:** ![Machinaforce](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/aeb1de/32.png) [@Machinaforce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machinaforce)\ **Post date:** [October 7, 2019, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229/95 "2019-10-07T04:52:49Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Just to answer the title: No. We miss the people. It isn’t just missing the time we spent with them, but also future contact with them. For instance, I miss being able to tell my grandpa and get his response about a current problem I’m having. > > Now do we miss only our contact with these people? Sure. But that’s kinda inherent–we don’t have any experience of other people as people other than our contact with them. > > As for you main topic in so many threads: Buddhism tries to make yourself feel happier by detaching from material desires and accepting things as they are. If it isn’t making you happier, give it up and try something else. > > Buddhism’s purpose is not to make your depressed or to justify depression. I think you are right in that it is one and the same. Because as you say all we have is the time we have with them and when they are gone then there is no more of that, but even more than that there is a certain absence felt that’s more than just the time you had with them but the person themselves. The time you spent with someone is essentially the person since it is hard to miss someone you didn’t spend any time with or got to know. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-we-miss-people-or-the-times-we-had-with-them/839229.md?page=4)