# Do you "enable" bad behavior and why ? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 15, 2017, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-enable-bad-behavior-and-why/793738 "2017-08-15T20:23:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 11\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Last\_Glacial\_Maximum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/bc79bd/32.png) [@Last\_Glacial\_Maximum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Last_Glacial_Maximum)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2017, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-enable-bad-behavior-and-why/793738/1 "2017-08-15T20:23:37Z")
I have what I consider a very close friend even though we have not seen each other in 10 years. Once or twice a year, maybe three times, when I know he really needs it, I will wire him $50 or $100. {He lives in South America, so the money goes a bit further than it would in the U.S.A}. For the past 25 years or so, my wife has adamantly opposed me sending any money at all to my friend. I’ve explained my reasoning to her, but she still firmly disagrees with my practice. Importantly, my wife grew up in the same town as my friend and knew him before I did. She did not form a positive opinion of him then and has stuck to her guns ever since. I, on the other hand, have an entirely different point of reference regarding my friend. Fact. The money I send is not an economic burden on us at all… I know that he is a binge drinker and uses the money to get drunk, but I also know that he uses at least some of the money for the various items required to live life as a bachelor. His life situation now and for many years has been exceedingly unpleasant. A few bucks from me here and there to help him forget about his problems/sorrows for a moment seems reasonable IMO. He’s already 50 years old, so he’s pretty set in his ways. I suppose my question is this: Who will admit to “enabling” bad behavior and why do you do it? Later, I will explain in more detail why I enable my friend {if anybody is interested}. ---
**Author:** ![Si\_Amigo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/si_amigo/32/2877_2.png) [@Si\_Amigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Si_Amigo)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2017, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-enable-bad-behavior-and-why/793738/2 "2017-08-15T20:34:20Z")
I potentially enable bad behavior every time I give money to a beggar on the street. Now while I don’t give to every beggar that ask I do give to a significant percentage of them, it really kind of depends on how much cash I have on me at the time and not about how they look. Sometimes people do need money to eat or buy gas to get home and it’s not right to penalize them because some are buying drugs like heroin. Hell, even heroin addicts get hungry sometimes. Are you just supposed to let them starve? (Please do not answer this point people!). It’s the Golden Rule, treat others as you would want to be treated in a similar situation and thank God that you are not in their situation. Better to err on the side of helping a fellow human being out than feeling superior and letting someone deserving go hungry. ---
**Author:** ![engineer\_comp\_geek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/engineer_comp_geek/32/504_2.png) [@engineer\_comp\_geek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/engineer_comp_geek)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2017, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-enable-bad-behavior-and-why/793738/3 "2017-08-15T20:52:34Z")
**Moderator Action** Since this is more opinion and advice, as well as an informal poll of SDMB user experiences, it is better suited to IMHO. Moving thread from GQ to IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [August 15, 2017, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-enable-bad-behavior-and-why/793738/4 "2017-08-15T21:01:22Z")
> [@Last\_Glacial\_Maximum](#): > > I know that he is a binge drinker and uses the money to get drunk When he does so, does it cause harm to him or others? For instance, does he drive drunk? or does drinking making violent? If yes, then I wouldn’t send him the money. But if no, then maybe this is similar to taking him out and buying him enough drinks to get drink if you lived near enough to do so in person, and I wouldn’t worry too much about it if you can in fact easily afford it. There’s an [apocryphal?](https://www.reddit.com/r/CSLewis/comments/3ciw8k/can_someone_find_a_source_for_this_supposed_lewis/) story about C. S. Lewis giving money to a beggar on the street: > [@](#): > > On the way to an Inklings meeting, he gave some money to a street beggar, and I made the usual objection:“'Won’t he just spend it on drink?” Lewis answered, “Yes, but if I kept it, so would I.” ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2017, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-enable-bad-behavior-and-why/793738/5 "2017-08-16T12:45:23Z")
I do my best to help my son, although he doesn’t quite keep up with paying me what he owes, occasionally lies to me, and smokes pot. It may be that a dose of tough love is needed, but he has a two-year-old son depending on him (the mother is flakier). As far as the pot, I don’t mind him smoking it except that he can’t afford it and I don’t want him getting in trouble. Also, he lives like a pig and doesn’t eat properly! But I guess that doesn’t go in this thread. :o ---
**Author:** ![Si\_Amigo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/si_amigo/32/2877_2.png) [@Si\_Amigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Si_Amigo)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2017, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-enable-bad-behavior-and-why/793738/6 "2017-08-16T12:57:48Z")
> [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > Also, he lives like a pig and doesn’t eat properly! But I guess that doesn’t go in this thread. :o But his dad is a Dung Beetle. 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2017, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-enable-bad-behavior-and-why/793738/7 "2017-08-16T13:26:45Z")
I had an alcoholic friend that was always broke and was always trying to put the bottle down. I’ve taken him out drinking many times even though I knew he was trying to quit. I did so because I enjoyed his company and who else is going to go out and get hammered with me on a Wednesday night? ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2017, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-enable-bad-behavior-and-why/793738/8 "2017-08-16T13:39:17Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > I had an alcoholic friend that was always broke and was always trying to put the bottle down. > > I’ve taken him out drinking many times even though I knew he was trying to quit. > > I did so because I enjoyed his company and who else is going to go out and get hammered with me on a Wednesday night? :dubious: This behavior goes beyond enabling. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2017, 2:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-enable-bad-behavior-and-why/793738/9 "2017-08-16T14:01:35Z")
> [@Si\_Amigo](#): > > But his dad is a Dung Beetle. 😕 His mom, actually. 🙂 Forgot to mention we also enable my husband’s son, who lives with us and perhaps always will. I’m not as clear on the reasons why, but if that’s the way husband wants it, fine by me. ---
**Author:** ![TRC4941](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/trc4941/32/6792_2.png) [@TRC4941](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TRC4941)\ **Post date:** [August 16, 2017, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-enable-bad-behavior-and-why/793738/10 "2017-08-16T14:49:45Z")
> [@Si\_Amigo](#): > > I potentially enable bad behavior every time I give money to a beggar on the street. Now while I don’t give to every beggar that ask I do give to a significant percentage of them, it really kind of depends on how much cash I have on me at the time and not about how they look. Sometimes people do need money to eat or buy gas to get home and it’s not right to penalize them because some are buying drugs like heroin. Hell, even heroin addicts get hungry sometimes. Are you just supposed to let them starve? (Please do not answer this point people!). > > It’s the Golden Rule, treat others as you would want to be treated in a similar situation and thank God that you are not in their situation. Better to err on the side of helping a fellow human being out than feeling superior and letting someone deserving go hungry. Your post reminded me of the time I had my granddaughter in the car with me. She was about 4 or 5 at the time. On our way into the WalMart parking lot we passed a man holding a sign saying that he needed money to get home or something like that. I drove right past him without a second glance. My granddaughter asked, “aren’t you going to give him any money?” I said something like, “no, he should get a job”. (something I regret saying now!) My granddaughter said, “well you could do it just to be kind”. Out of the mouths of babes… I’ll never forget that. Ever since then I usually will give them something - if it’s not a traffic hazard to stop. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 17, 2017, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-enable-bad-behavior-and-why/793738/11 "2017-08-17T01:11:08Z")
> [@Grrr](#): > > I had an alcoholic friend that was always broke and was always trying to put the bottle down. > > I’ve taken him out drinking many times even though I knew he was trying to quit. > > I did so because I enjoyed his company and who else is going to go out and get hammered with me on a Wednesday night? What the hell – that is majorly fucked up.