# Do you even know WTF FREE SPEECH®™ is? (lame) **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [August 19, 2010, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788 "2010-08-19T20:25:22Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2010, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788/1 "2010-08-19T20:25:22Z")
An open letter to numerous media personalities, both left and right: FREE SPEECH®™ means you can say pretty much what you like and not go to jail. FREE SPEECH®™ does NOT mean you can say whatever you like and not catch hell for it from people you just pissed off when you said it. People \*do not \*have the right to pelt you with rocks and garbage, yell at you in your house, poison your well or otherwise physically harm you, but they DO have the right to call you a panty waisted fruitwhip or a fascist douche monkey or a pretty much any other not nice term of their choosing and to do so publicly and with copious commentary should they so desire. A very few rules might apply. The “no yelling fire in a crowded theater” thing is a famous one, and while I’m not sure exactly what statute it would violate I’m reasonably sure that if I put on my best Al Swearengen voice and said “One of you little cocksuckers needs to move your fucking ass or else devote time to the excavation of my foot from your fucking rectal regions, and by the by Santa Claus is dead, the Easter Bunny’s a lie and I have personally arbitrated your mother’s exchange of pussy for three tobacco and cum stained dollar bills on the last Tuesday night before the rent is due!” to a group of pre-school students hogging the “color it yourself” wall at a public art museum it would probably violate a statute somewhere, but most things that are less than these are fair game. Now, on a similar note, when the government says “We don’t like what you’re saying so we forbid you to say it and if you try to say it we’ll do rude and terrible not nice things to you”, that **IS** censorship. When a \*media conglomerate \*says “We don’t like what you’re saying so we’re not going to pay you a shitload of money to say it”, that \*\*IS NOT \*\*censorship, that is a business decision. It might or might not violate your contract with them but if it does there are ways to pursue remedy to that. I mention this because there seems to be a lot of misunderstanding the subject. Dr. Laura Schlessinger (or, as I call her, Bitch, and you can either quote me or call me names for that- FREE SPEECH®™ ) refers to how she’s quitting her job to get her Civil Rights back after the flack she received for her \*hey guys let’s do nigger… nigger nigger bo bigger banana fanna fo figger" [ahem] advice[/ahem] on her call in show. Don Imus and supporters cried ‘censorship’ when he was fired for napping on a hedgehog or whatever. However, the right wing has far from a monopoly on this: Bill Maher cried censorship when network cancelled _Politically Correct_ and still bitches about it many years and millions of dollars later (yeah, first Galileo and then Anne Frank and now you, when will the persecution end?). More recently a local D.J. in Alabama was fired for bashing tea partiers (specifically calling them white trash) at a country station with lots of conservative, Tea partying, and or white trash listeners and he claimed it was a violation of his freedom of speech as well. In my second best Al Swearengen, “fuckin’ no it fuckin’ isn’t, you narcifuckingsisstic fucktards!”, or a medium R. Lee Ermey\* “Go back to Namby Pamby Land you jackwagon!”. So to recap: Right to say it, write it, wear it on a t-shirt or tattoo it on your cleavage: in the Constitution. Right to get paid for saying it: NOT in the Constitution. Right to not to have to deal with shit as a result of having said it: NOT in the Constitution. An analogy: I’m over 21 and not a felon, thus I have the right to wear a mullet and spandex biking shorts with my belly hanging out over them all while drinking a Coors and cutting my fingernails with a hunting knife. All of this is legal for m. If I drink a Coors at work while cutting my fingernails with a hunting knife and putting the clippings into my navel which is exposed where it laps over my spandex biking shorts and occasionally shaking my mullet, my bosses have the right to say “we really don’t like you doing that”, and if I said to them “Fuck you bitches, George Washington charged up San Juan Hill and Ben Franklin wrote the Gettysburg Address and Rosa Parks killed all those busdrivers all so that I have the freedom to do what I want” they have the right to say “But please, we don’t want you to to, and gosh darn it we think you should consider alternative employment”, and I probably wouldn’t be able to sue them successfully for feeling up my inner child. Very similar situation except substitute words and repercussions and corporate policies for stuff for beer and spandex biking shorts and hunting knife and inner child molesting. Or if I’m wrong perhaps a Constitutional scholar will correct me. (Barry? Barry O’Bama, you out there?) Lame, but unnecessary and mostly blood free. \*Your lagniappe for this thread is my celebrity insider information: did you wonder if R. Lee Ermey has alapecia or cancer when you saw him in that commercial and he was bald? Lay rest your worries, he’s not. He was hired to speak to a corporate group in Mississippi the week before that was shot, used a local hair stylist to get a last minute haircut, and she did such a terrible job he just said ‘fuck it’ and shaved his head. Got it from somebody who was there and heard him tell the story. ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2010, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788/2 "2010-08-19T20:34:22Z")
Commie. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2010, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788/3 "2010-08-19T20:41:01Z")
Will this shocking persecution never end? Will the white people never have a place to rest their weary heads that doesn’t require them to be decent human beings? Where does it stop, I ask you? Next thing you know, if I tell my niece that space lizards are in her closet ready to eat her eyes, she might start crying and deny me my first amendment rights? BITCHES! ---
**Author:** ![Uncle\_Jocko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/uncle_jocko/32/2932_2.png) [@Uncle\_Jocko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uncle_Jocko)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2010, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788/4 "2010-08-19T21:05:22Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > “Fuck you bitches, George Washington charged up San Juan Hill and Ben Franklin wrote the Gettysburg Address and Rosa Parks killed all those busdrivers all so that I have the freedom to do what I want” I tremble at the thought, but my fear is this exact statement is becoming the new motto of the United States of America. Except it won’t fit on the official seal. Not even in Latin! **Sampiro** , you crack me up. You make excellent sense and you do it in a way that makes me chuckle every time. Yeah, all these chowderheads who say something incendiary (or stupid), get called on it, and then scream “What about FREEEEEE SPEEEEEEECH!!!” are total doofuses who no one should ever pay attention to again. But … it’s America. We’ve got this nation where it is today by paying attention to total doofuses because, well, they’re loud. And shiny. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2010, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788/5 "2010-08-19T21:34:23Z")
I suppose you can trademark the phrase **FREE SPEECH®** if you want, but you may have some trouble with the USPTO if you want to register it, since the phrase itself already contains a registered trademark symbol. In other words, don’t get your hopes up for FREE SPEECH®®. I know, because once I attempted to register a trademark for a string of registered trademark symbols (®®®®®®®®®®) and it earned me six months at Camp X-Ray. (Fabulous _ropa vieja_, by the way.) ---
**Author:** ![Skammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skammer/32/143_2.png) [@Skammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skammer)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2010, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788/6 "2010-08-19T21:39:31Z")
I’m skammer, and I approve of this message. ---
**Author:** ![otternell](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecc23a/32.png) [@otternell](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/otternell)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2010, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788/7 "2010-08-19T21:40:03Z")
Excellent OP - very amusing. ---
**Author:** ![Sampiro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2acd7d/32.png) [@Sampiro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sampiro)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2010, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788/8 "2010-08-19T21:47:04Z")
[QUOTE=Vinyl Turnip] (Fabulous _ropa vieja_, by the way.) [/QUOTE] And Billy the Ox wasn’t so bad once you got to know him and very surprisingly a cuddler once the guards went by and he could drop the tough guy act. He once cried when he spoke of his youthful dreams of going to Juilliard. ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2010, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788/9 "2010-08-19T21:51:41Z")
**Sampiro** , you’re a godsend. You really are. The way you take my thoughts, frame them in words more clever than I ever could have dreamed up, then spill them all in a brilliant tapestry of polite yet irreverently humorous FUCK YOU - that’s nothing short of awesome, in the original sense of the word. I am in awe. But since they’re my (silent, unexpressed) ideas to begin with, I’m afraid I still have to sue your ass, punk. ---
**Author:** ![Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/malleus_incus_stapes/32/3293_2.png) [@Malleus\_Incus\_Stapes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malleus_Incus_Stapes)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2010, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788/10 "2010-08-19T22:13:02Z")
Well said, **Sampiro**. Exactly what I’ve been thinking lately, in particular about- no, I won’t sully your wonderful bipartisan OP with actual political opinions. So I’ll just say that I’ve had that same sentiment lately. Something may be legal, but that doesn’t stop it from being tacky and ill-considered. ---
**Author:** ![Karen\_Lingel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karen_lingel/32/18649_2.png) [@Karen\_Lingel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karen_Lingel)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2010, 10:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788/11 "2010-08-19T22:15:19Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > … and Rosa Parks killed all those busdrivers … This made me LOL. Bravo. ---
**Author:** ![Cyningablod](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc29f/32.png) [@Cyningablod](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyningablod)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788/12 "2010-08-20T02:42:30Z")
Asskick OP. Truly asskick. Took the words right outta my brain. I’ve always thought of Dr. Laura as a crusty, bitter, shrivelled-up, fugly old hyper-bitch, and her crybaby whimpering over her supposed lost “freedom of speech” makes me want to retch. I don’t know whether her grasp of simple human deceny or of the Bill of Rights, is the more appalling. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788/13 "2010-08-20T04:47:01Z")
Mostly excellent OP, but fell down a bit by not addressing the constitutional issue that most concerns me: can I shout “Mayonnaise” in a crowded theater? ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788/14 "2010-08-20T05:03:04Z")
**Sampiro** , if you weren’t gay, I’d marry you. Or if you weren’t out, I’d volunteer to be your beard. BTW, it’s actually _falsely_ shouting “fire” in a crowded theater, but that’s not the point. ---
**Author:** ![E-Sabbath](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e19adc/32.png) [@E-Sabbath](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E-Sabbath)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788/15 "2010-08-20T05:06:00Z")
I’m just really perplexed by what Sarah Palin meant by ‘Don’t retreat, reload’. I mean, the only possible answer in context is that she wants Dr. Laura to keep spitting the word out on the air. ---
**Author:** ![Sodalite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@Sodalite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sodalite)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 5:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788/16 "2010-08-20T05:23:16Z")
> [@Sampiro](#): > > A very few rules might apply. The “no yelling fire in a crowded theater” thing is a famous one, and while I’m not sure exactly what statute it would violate I’m reasonably sure that if I put on my best Al Swearengen voice and said “One of you little cocksuckers needs to move your fucking ass or else devote time to the excavation of my foot from your fucking rectal regions, and by the by Santa Claus is dead, the Easter Bunny’s a lie and I have personally arbitrated your mother’s exchange of pussy for three tobacco and cum stained dollar bills on the last Tuesday night before the rent is due!” to a group of pre-school students hogging the “color it yourself” wall at a public art museum it would probably violate a statute somewhere, but most things that are less than these are fair game. Fanfreakingtastic! I think I lurve you and I don’t say that to just anybody. Mostly just my lesbian friends and then only if the neighbors are watching. 😃 You made me so happy, I actually went and found a cite for you to back up what I know about the “FIRE!” yelling thing. It’s fine to scream “fire” in a crowded building if the place is really burning. The law only gets involved if you’re just messing around because that kind of nonsense gets people seriously injured or killed for no good reason. > **[Italian Hall disaster](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Italian_Hall_disaster)** > > The Italian Hall disaster (sometimes referred to as the 1913 Massacre) was a tragedy that occurred on Wednesday, December 24, 1913, in Calumet, Michigan, United States. Seventy-three people – mostly striking mine workers and their families – were crushed to death in a stampede when someone falsely shouted "fire" at a crowded Christmas party.\[a\] > The Calumet and Hecla Mining Company (C&H) was the single largest copper mining company in the Copper Country of northwest Michigan's Keweenaw Peninsul... > **[Shouting fire in a crowded theater](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Shouting_fire_in_a_crowded_theater)** > > "Shouting fire in a crowded theater" is a popular analogy for speech or actions whose principal purpose is to create panic, and in particular for speech or actions which may for that reason be thought to be outside the scope of free speech protections. The phrase is a paraphrasing of a dictum, or non-binding statement, from Justice Oliver Wendell Holmes Jr.'s opinion in the United States Supreme Court case Schenck v. United States in 1919, which held that the defendant's speech in opposition to... Enlightenment is awesome. ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Nader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Darth\_Nader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Nader)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 6:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788/17 "2010-08-20T06:02:14Z")
I just can’t clear my mind of the image of R. Lee getting a bad haircut. “You cut hair like my ass chews bubblegum!” yikes. ---
**Author:** ![Bryan\_Ekers](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bryan_ekers/32/183_2.png) [@Bryan\_Ekers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bryan_Ekers)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788/18 "2010-08-20T07:45:40Z")
Stop infrigerating her second amendment right to shoot herself in the foot! ---
**Author:** ![cosmosdan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a6a055/32.png) [@cosmosdan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cosmosdan)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 1:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788/19 "2010-08-20T13:25:58Z")
I thought the same thing in skimming the headlines. You think your free speech is threatened because people don’t like something you said and are vocal about it? WTF? I’d like to use my right to free speech and say you’re an idiot. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2010, 1:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788/20 "2010-08-20T13:26:40Z")
> [@Bryan\_Ekers](#): > > Stop infrigerating her second amendment right to shoot herself in the foot! I can’t decide if that means putting it in an icebox or other, more… personal verbing. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-even-know-wtf-free-speech-is-lame/550788.md?page=2)