# Do you feel compelled to comment on strangers’ physical appearances? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 3, 2004, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375 "2004-06-03T01:32:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/1 "2004-06-03T01:32:33Z")
This isn’t a rant, so much as a puzzlement. There are a lot worse things a stranger could do, but some of them might be more readily understandable. 😃 As soon as we were old enough to understand when the response was appropriate, and say it correctly – between 1.5 and two years old- my brother and I were taught to say “thank you“ to any compliments on our “ [insert favorable adjective] Red hair,” even though being singled out was embarrassing at minimum and a cause for resentment when we were with our friends when it happened. This happened \* all the time\*. I assumed as a child that complete strangers thought it was nice, and did it because I was a child, and therefore not their equal, so who cares if it made me uncomfortable? (not that they noticed) Childhood is filled with thoughtless indignities perpetrated by adults, anyway. Odd behavior from adults must be tollerated, since a child is in no position to change their behavior. But that’s not it, apparently. I’m an adult and people _still_ do this. Not as often, but seldom a month goes by during which at least one older woman (not necessarily elderly, mind you, but usually older than me. Women younger than my mom, even.), or occasionally grandfatherly man, makes a fuss about my hair. Why?! I’m seldom compelled to comment on a complete stranger’s appearance, and even if I were so compelled, I certainly wouldn’t act on it. So what drives people to make comments? Even though they are kindly intended, it’s not as though they’re sought out – I’m shy, but if I don’t mumble a thank you I’m the rude one! Are you compelled to make comments yourself? Why? And what else gets commented on about your appearance? I know it’s not just redheads who get uninvited attention from strangers. I don’t mean comments by the opposite sex, though, since that’s a whole different issue. ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/2 "2004-06-03T01:40:53Z")
Not on their appearance, but once in a great while on their clothing: “_Nice_ shoes!” or, “_Great_ earrings!” On the flipside, though, I must physically restrain myself from saying things like, “In _what universe_ do you _possibly_ imagine _that_ skirt could go with \*that \*blouse?!” ---
**Author:** ![Jurph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/50afbb/32.png) [@Jurph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jurph)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/3 "2004-06-03T01:52:26Z")
Apparently, I’m way more catty than my fiancée. I constantly observe the fashions worn by those around me. I’m always admiring looks I like on men for adaptation into my own wardrobe, and it wouldn’t be a full day without noticing that this or that article makes this or that feature of a girl look better or worse. For example: “Tall guy, good suit, good cut… but wrong shoes. Nice belt though.” “Linen pants? That’s gutsy, but it looks good. It’s just right in this weather.” “Slender redhead, wearing good colors, she knows how to use the hair, but the blouse is too tight for her figure, and I’m not sure a poofy beret is right. It’s bold, though.” “Hm. Spandex is a privilege, not a right.” I never say these out loud, but I’m always observing the people around me. I wouldn’t comment unless it was complimentary and I were passing near the person anyway (for example, boarding an elevator or escalator together). ---
**Author:** ![START](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@START](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/START)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 1:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/4 "2004-06-03T01:54:22Z")
Yes but only if it is something good like I might say “I like your red hair” and then keep on walking. Let’s say someone is wearing something I like I will ask “where I can buy it” or if someone has a Mohawk, Colored Hair or an Afro if it looks good on them I will tell them. My own brother has an “afro” that he gets comments on every day of his life and it doesn’t seem to bother him. ---
**Author:** ![RindaRinda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/dfb087/32.png) [@RindaRinda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RindaRinda)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/5 "2004-06-03T02:31:39Z")
> [@elfkin477](#): > > I know it’s not just redheads who get uninvited attention from strangers. I am Asian, and wore my hair long and straight for most of my life. People, perfect strangers even (always women, though), used to come up to me and _pet my hair_. Even after I became an adult. Bizarre, but they meant well, so I just acted like a polite little doggy. I guess people admire things that are nearly opposite of what they have. For example, my 5 year old niece-in-law (???husband’s niece) has fantastic long red curly hair. But remembering my experience, I refrain from making a big deal of it. ---
**Author:** ![Beauty\_Personified](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e480ec/32.png) [@Beauty\_Personified](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beauty_Personified)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/6 "2004-06-03T04:21:18Z")
> [@RindaRinda](#): > > I am Asian, and wore my hair long and straight for most of my life. People, perfect strangers even (always women, though), used to come up to me and _pet my hair_. Even after I became an adult. Bizarre, but they meant well, so I just acted like a polite little doggy. Wow. That’s just creepy, if you ask me. That’s _really_ invading someone’s personal space. But, I must admit, I’ve seen people with hair that, for whatever reason, tempts me to touch it. (Their hair, you perverts. 😉 ) And the same can apply to clothes and even skin. I might actually do so if I knew the person well, and knew they wouldn’t mind. I think most people tend to avoid saying negative things about someone’s appearance. But it can be problematic for people who speak their mind when someone actually asks them for their opinion on something. I tend to be frank, but usually can avoid insulting people by trying to be vague or neutral in my responses. For example, I’d say something like, \*“It’s different,” \* or \*“I wouldn’t have pictured you in something like that,” \* or \*“I like the color.” \* That said, some people can be overly sensitive and, no matter what you say, they’ll take it as an insult. The really awkward comments or questions, however, pertain to skin color. Again, most people avoid such comments or questions. But, there are times when, in trying to describe someone else to someone, a person might want to mention the color of their skin. Particularly if the person being described has no other characteristics which could easily define them from others. I actually feel awkward when, in discussing a film with a friend (even a good friend who knows me), the easiest way to describe a certain character in the film would be to call them, for example, “the black guy”. If I could describe the actor as “the guy with the Hawaiian shirt”, it would make me feel better. **RindaRinda** mentioned that she’s Asian. I’m adopted, and while I’m definitely not 100% Asian myself, I have facial features which lead me to suspect I have Asian ancestors. However, while I have mentioned this idea to others, only one person has ever commented on my Asian-like features - a total stranger who happened to be Asian himself. 🙂 Anyhoo, this is an interesting topic… ---
**Author:** ![Audrey\_Levins](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Audrey\_Levins](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Audrey_Levins)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 11:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/7 "2004-06-03T11:10:21Z")
I’ve always been tall, so people usually feel compelled to remark on it; they have ever since I was a child. (I’m not freakishly tall…5’10" as an adult, shoulders above my friends as a kid. Just tall enough to attract attention from certain people.) I never particularly liked it as a child, and I don’t really enjoy it now, so I see the OP’s point…what are you supposed to say? It isn’t even a compliment; it’s an observation. “Wow, you’re tall!” What the hell? So I say, “Um…yeah.” or “Thanks?” or maybe, if I’m in that bitchy place, “Wow, you’re short!” On the rare occasions I compliment strangers, it’s on something they chose, not on something God gave them. IOW, their jewelry, their shoes, their haircut, etc…not their coloring, their build, their size, what-not. To me there’s a difference. You’re complimenting their taste, not their DNA. Having said that, when people do compliment my hair or my skin or my freckles or whatever–which is a compliment, not the annoying obvious observation–I smile and say “Thank you!” and I enjoy the attention. I’m sure the people who compliment your hair–not just say “Wow you have red hair!”–mean it in the best way. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 11:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/8 "2004-06-03T11:34:09Z")
No, and I don’t think you’ll find a lot of guys who do. (Nothing personal, **Jurph**.) People always used to compliment my very curly hair when I was younger. My hair hasn’t been discernably curly for the last three or four years, so now nobody knows. I’d never before thought there was a connection. Probably there isn’t- I don’t remember being bothered by it. I guess that’s just how people say hi to kids a lot of the time, as if a kid knows what to say to something like “Can I have some of that hair for _my_ head?” On the flipside, when I had a totally shaved head in early 2001, some people did the petting thing. Didn’t bother me, I’d seen it done to other people before. > [@Eve](#): > > On the flipside, though, I must physically restrain myself from saying things like, “In _what universe_ do you _possibly_ imagine _that_ skirt could go with \*that \*blouse?!” I find that very surprising. You restrain yourself, **Eve**? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/9 "2004-06-03T12:12:46Z")
I love to comment on people’s clothes or good features. I’m fine with asking where I can get something or remarking how the color brings out their eyes. I’m all about cornering someone in an elevator and telling them their outfit is fabulous or their jewelry is the perfect accent for their sweater or whatever. And evidently I have really good taste in shoes, because people comment on mine all the time. The only negative ones I get are “How in the HELL do you walk in those heels?” It used to make me self-conscious, but now I kind of like it. However, I am not now – nor have I ever been – a hair-petter. Or a fat-remarker. Or a “too-much-eyeliner” pointer-outer. It’s just not cool. ---
**Author:** ![UrbanChic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9dc877/32.png) [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 1:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/10 "2004-06-03T13:03:46Z")
Boy howdy, do I! But only to my husband. ---
**Author:** ![bittersweet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c57346/32.png) [@bittersweet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bittersweet)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/11 "2004-06-03T13:32:59Z")
When I was much younger, I would get complimented on my “pretty blue eyes” all the time by strangers, almost to the point where I was a bit tired of hearing it. I did always eek out a “thank you”, however. Nowadays, I will compliment a stranger only in select situations, as long as I sense a basic, and perhaps mutual, comfort level. I would never just run up to anyone on the street and say, “Hey ma’am! Nice pants!”; it’s just not my nature. I have learned, however, to accept and appreciate compliments because as one gets older, they certainly seem to occur less frequently. ---
**Author:** ![Tiggrkitty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tiggrkitty/32/17966_2.png) [@Tiggrkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tiggrkitty)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/12 "2004-06-03T13:39:17Z")
> [@RindaRinda](#): > > I am Asian, and wore my hair long and straight for most of my life. People, perfect strangers even (always women, though), used to come up to me and _pet my hair_. Even after I became an adult. Bizarre, but they meant well, so I just acted like a polite little doggy. Ugh, I have had people do this to me. I was waiting in line one day at a deli and felt a slight tug on my hair. I turned around and made eye contact with the guy behind me. His comment, “Oh sorry, I just wanted to see if your hair was real”. Um yeah okay. Another time I had just stepped into an elevator and as the doors were closing another guy reached into the closing doors to touch my bangs. I flinched because it looked like he was going to hit me. Again it was, “is that a wig?” (I have auburn hair that is fairly long, if I let it dry naturally it flows in long ringlets) How rude can some people get? I hate it when some stranger invades my personal space just to touch my hair. It’s creepy. It is not taken as a compliment. ---
**Author:** ![GrizzRich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7ba0ec/32.png) [@GrizzRich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrizzRich)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/13 "2004-06-03T13:40:54Z")
Not I… but my brother would! \ He and I were making small talk with each other while in line at a buffet (and if you saw my brother and I at a buffet, you’d be sure to step aside. Let’s just say that the two of us together are an ‘imposing’ sight.) He saw a fellow wearing an eyepatch and out of the blue he says to the guy… “Hey! How’d you lose the eye?” My jaw dropped and I just turned on my heel and walked back to the table. I didn’t even realize how wide my mouth was open until I felt the breeze on my uvula. ---
**Author:** ![Jervoise](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d2c977/32.png) [@Jervoise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jervoise)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 1:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/14 "2004-06-03T13:47:35Z")
I’m pretty observant so I tend to notice people’s hair (I never miss it when someone gets a haircut) and what they’re wearing, but it’s only in the past few years that I’ve begun to pay random compliments. I think it’s something that comes with confidence–meaning it’s okay to say something nice without people thinking you’re weird or that you’re hitting on them. I don’t often make comments to the (straight) men, but with women I make an effort to say something nice if I notice something. I mean, why not? The chronically shy aside, most people like it when someone notices if they’ve made an effort to look good or bought something new and shiny. > [@](#): > > And what else gets commented on about your appearance? I know it’s not just redheads who get uninvited attention from strangers. I don’t mean comments by the opposite sex, though, since that’s a whole different issue. Oddly enough, twice in the past month people have paid random compliments concerning my teeth (like I’m a horse!). Then again, I’m in England, land of fine dentistry… 😃 ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/15 "2004-06-03T14:28:53Z")
I was with a pregnant friend once - I think we were at the mall - when some woman ran up to her and exclaimed “Oh! When is it due? How exciting!!” and starting rubbing her belly. Ick. It really freaked both me and my friend out - my friend politely asked the woman to please not touch her stomach without asking because it made her uncomfortable, and the woman was actually _offended_! She said something like, “Well, I was just excited for you!” and huffed off down the hall. ---
**Author:** ![Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac8455/32.png) [@Bippy\_the\_Beardless](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bippy_the_Beardless)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/16 "2004-06-03T15:26:51Z")
I believe strongly in random nice comments. But I try hard to comment only when it is something someone has obviously spent time on, and even if I think it looks awful I will lie about how ice it is. So carefully painted nails, or a nice hat, or carefully styled hair (even if they look like Marge Sympson), or well put together clothing will tend to get a random generous comment from me. If they are an adult female I will make it flirtatious. If they are a child I’ll make any comment only to the parent. If they are male, I’ll try to make sure I don’t sound flirtatious (so I’m rarely confident to offer a complement to a man, unless their getup is extremely eaborate). ---
**Author:** ![bobkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c67d28/32.png) [@bobkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobkitty)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/17 "2004-06-03T15:34:23Z")
I’m a redhead with long (to my waist), thick, curly hair, and people want to touch it _all the damn time_. Now, I’m all about the petting, but only if it’s someone I know. Strangers trying it seriously wig me out. I’ve learned to take the compliments in stride (though recently I was out with a friend and an older woman made the usual “you have such beautiful hair” comment; as we got into his car I said “do you have any idea how old that gets?”), but it’s the tag-team compliments I can’t get the hang of. One of the places I was interviewing at for a job, the HR rep and the supervisor had a several-minute conversation with _each other_ about how pretty my hair was, while I sat there not quite knowing how to respond. I felt kinda like I was competing for best in show or something. ::shudder:: I’m with several other posters- if there’s an outfit/article of clothing that especially catches my eye, I’ll say something. Or if I notice (though this is rare) that someone got a haircut/new glasses/whatever. But I won’t touch someone. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 3:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/18 "2004-06-03T15:38:27Z")
> [@GrizzRich](#): > > Not I… but my brother would! > > \ > > “Hey! How’d you lose the eye?” I have an acquaintance who does this. She asked the vet’s assistant how come her hand was all fucked up. She had polio as a child. Raised by wolves, I tell ya. ---
**Author:** ![bobkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c67d28/32.png) [@bobkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobkitty)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/19 "2004-06-03T16:07:28Z")
I’m a redhead with long (to my waist), thick, curly hair, and people want to touch it _all the damn time_. Now, I’m all about the petting, but only if it’s someone I know. Strangers trying it seriously wig me out. I’ve learned to take the compliments in stride (though recently I was out with a friend and an older woman made the usual “you have such beautiful hair” comment; as we got into his car I said “do you have any idea how old that gets?”), but it’s the tag-team compliments I can’t get the hang of. One of the places I was interviewing at for a job, the HR rep and the supervisor had a several-minute conversation with _each other_ about how pretty my hair was, while I sat there not quite knowing how to respond. I felt kinda like I was competing for best in show or something. ::shudder:: I’m with several other posters- if there’s an outfit/article of clothing that especially catches my eye, I’ll say something. Or if I notice (though this is rare) that someone got a haircut/new glasses/whatever. But I won’t touch someone. ---
**Author:** ![bobkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c67d28/32.png) [@bobkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobkitty)\ **Post date:** [June 3, 2004, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/20 "2004-06-03T16:14:37Z")
How on earth did I double-post half an hour apart, and at least 15 minutes after I closed my browser window? Weeeeeeeird… [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375.md?page=2)