# Do you feel compelled to comment on strangers’ physical appearances? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 3, 2004, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375 "2004-06-03T01:32:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2004, 8:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/41 "2004-06-05T20:19:16Z")
I don’t often comment on the appearance of strangers. Because one of my former jobs was to engrave name badges, I have a tendency to notice when people are wearing them and I make a note of their name and employer, but I don’t often mention it. Sometimes I do—usually when they introduce themselves. (“Sarah with an H, like it says on your nametag?”) But I have noticed this phenomenon acutely. I lost the toes on my left foot and I wear a conspicuous black brace against my left shin, attached to an artificial foot with spring-action toes to help me walk. Usually I wear this outside my pants leg because it’s more comfortable. (When it’s inside my pants leg I can’t stretch my ankle.) People seem to comment on this _all the time_. “How did you break your leg?” “Did you hurt your foot?” “Did you do that skiing somewhere?” “What happened to your ankle?” It doesn’t really bother me. I know that people are curious. I also know that I am drawing the attention by my habit of wearing my brace in a conspicuous way. If it _really_ bothered me I should wear it hidden. That doesn’t stop me from observing how people’s eyes drift down at an angle as we pass in a store. My co-workers consistently gripe about it when people come into the office and give the old “how did you hurt your foot?” routine. They insist that it’s terribly rude to ask somebody about something like that. Me, I’m amused, but I can understand the curiosity. ---
**Author:** ![Cyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a88e4f/32.png) [@Cyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyn)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2004, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/42 "2004-06-05T23:17:40Z")
_They let her leave the house that way! Obviously doesn’t own a full length mirror. She killed the Cookie Monster for that coat. Or Grover, it might have been Grover. Too many boobs for that tube. Some body does NOT know her limitations_. All comments made one recent evening out clubbing by my girls. Quietly, to each other, as not to be over-heard and conjuring an ass-kicking. If you can’t say something nice, come sit next to me. ---
**Author:** ![medstar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f07891/32.png) [@medstar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/medstar)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/43 "2004-06-06T02:12:41Z")
Being as I’m quite overweight, I’ve had my share of carloads of obnoxious teenage boys yelling insults at me and laughing at their own cleverness. Therefore, I’d never comment on someone’s weight. I do compliment attractive hairstyles which is how I found my current hairstylist. Indeed, magazine columnists say that you should ask other women (even strangers) whose hairstyle you like, who does their hair. Other than that, I’d feel uncomfortable about strangers invading my space. ---
**Author:** ![Beauty\_Personified](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e480ec/32.png) [@Beauty\_Personified](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beauty_Personified)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/44 "2004-06-06T04:16:15Z")
> [@Bippy the Beardless](#): > > I am all for talking to a treating children of any age as (or as if they were) adults. But I am also concerned that Children are taught not to speak to strangers, and that there are bad people about. So here is the example I was thinking of when writing my post. > > On a shopping street I saw a child in a very nice dress, with parents. I was currently looking for birthday present Ideas for my niece. I said to parents, “Your daughter is wearing a very pretty dress, did you get it locally?” on getting a friendly reply, I then said to the daughter “I’m looking for a present for my niece, could you tell me where is a good shop for clothes?” I had thought about the “don’t talk to strangers” thing. I’ve seen it in effect when meeting old friends with a young child. I’ll greet my old friends and then say “hi” to the child, who hides behind their mother’s leg. I’ll immediately return my attentions to the parents, but make no comment on the child’s reaction. Usually the parents will mention the DTTS thing and/or the child’s shyness, and introduce me to the child to assure the child that I’m not truly a stranger. That said, your mall example is a good one. I likely would have first said a general “hello” to the parents and girl. Then I would have commented on the dress more directly at the girl, but at the parents at the same time - looking at the girl as I began the comment, and turning my gaze to the parents as I finished it. I would expect the girl to react like the child in my above example - shy away and clam up. Before approaching them in the first place, I would have surreptitiously observed them for a bit to try and get a feel for how they’d react to me. On the topic of people touching other people, specifically their hair, I personally can’t stand that as well. And many adults seem to feel that ruffling a kid’s hair in a playful manner is a necessary greeting or something. Even if it’s a relative, I hated that as a kid. Actually, I’m sure I still wouldn’t like it. But, the one thing that drives me crazy these days is the people who insist on touching your hat. Some people take it right off your head to look at it. That’s not so bad, but then they have to try it on themselves! :eek: And then, of course, this leads to comments on how big my head is! :rolleyes: I’m really not sensitive about having a large cranium - I bring up the fact myself in casual conversation sometimes - but please… Even worse, however, are the people who try to slap the hat off your head or pull the brim down over your face. :mad: I suspect this is just an extension of ruffling someone’s hair. I don’t spend a lot of time, if any, “doing my hair”, but I do fiddle with my hat before going out so it looks and feels right on my head. I also have glasses that need to look and feel right, and pulling down my hat will usually always disturb them as well. :mad: :mad: So. Don’t. Mess. With. The. Hat. Anyhoo… ---
**Author:** ![jellyblue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e480ec/32.png) [@jellyblue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jellyblue)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/45 "2004-06-06T04:29:08Z")
I get a lot of older people, male and female, who comment on my _face_ (I have a “classic” face, I guess, cheekbones, nose, jaw, etc.), sometimes with great exuberance. I think it’s nice, if a little embarassing (especially if there are a lot of other people around). I just say thank you even tho I didn’t have much to do with it myself. I’ll definitely compliment someone on an outfit/jewellry/haircut that I really like - who could get bummed out about “Wow, that looks _great_ on you!”, anyway? I’m shy, so it’s my way of connecting with people. I would never touch someone I don’t know though! And on the rare occasions someone’s tried to randomly touch me, I just firmly say, “You can’t touch me!” as though I’m setting limits with a child. (May as well be :rolleyes: ) ---
**Author:** ![Sinshine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Sinshine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sinshine)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/46 "2004-06-06T05:44:04Z")
On the random compliments from strangers: Yes, it happens, largely in connection with my red hair. I like my hair, and I like the compliments. On the touching of my red hair: When I was growing up, there was a guy in the neighbourhood who was distinctly mentally challenged. Howie had a thing about my hair, and would run away from his care-takers in order to touch it. When I was eight, this was very intimidating, because he was in his late 20’s then, and he _looked_ normal enough. I eventually got used to it, as long as it was Howie. When a stranger touched my hair, however, my mother gave me permission to yell holy hell until they got the message. I have a powerful voice. Even now, people sometimes touch. And **always** flinch away shamefaced when I announce that this is not a petting zoo, and I am not the llama. ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 6:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/47 "2004-06-06T06:42:39Z")
I have a friend who has REALLY long eyelashes. She used to put mascara on them, even though they’re dark and she didn’t really need to. At that point, yes, they looked fake. One day we were having lunch at a restaurant–a nice one. The waitress asked, “Are those your real eyelashes?” (which was kind of a cheeky question, I thought.) My friend said yes. Whereupon the waitress _reached out and grabbed them_ (I said they were long, right?) _and pulled_. My friend settled for screaming, batting the woman’s hand away, mentioning that she wore contact lenses, then asking for a different waitress. Had it been my eyelashes, well, I think an assault charge might have been appropriate. Although a counter-assault charge might have been leveled against me. ---
**Author:** ![Tiggrkitty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tiggrkitty/32/17966_2.png) [@Tiggrkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tiggrkitty)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/48 "2004-06-06T11:57:25Z")
> [@Sinshine](#): > > Even now, people sometimes touch. And **always** flinch away shamefaced when I announce that this is not a petting zoo, and I am not the llama. Ooooo, nice come back. Mind if I borrow this next time someone feels so inclined to touch my hair? ---
**Author:** ![Lobelia\_Overhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/54ee81/32.png) [@Lobelia\_Overhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobelia_Overhill)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 11:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/49 "2004-06-06T11:59:24Z")
Come to think of it, I did once [a few years ago] make a comment on someone’s appearance … At the gym, in the locker room, the woman next to me had a tan (which in Ireland in February is unusual) I said “where’d you get that fabulous tan?” (thinking she’d been on holiday). The woman looked at me all :eek: screamed “I work outside a lot”, grabbed her belongings and fled. WTF? ---
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 1:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/50 "2004-06-06T13:34:05Z")
> [@bobkitty](#): > > I’m a redhead with long (to my waist), thick, curly hair, and people want to touch it _all the damn time_. Now, I’m all about the petting, but only if it’s someone I know. Strangers trying it seriously wig me out. I’ve learned to take the compliments in stride (though recently I was out with a friend and an older woman made the usual “you have such beautiful hair” comment; as we got into his car I said “do you have any idea how old that gets?”), but it’s the tag-team compliments I can’t get the hang of. One of the places I was interviewing at for a job, the HR rep and the supervisor had a several-minute conversation with _each other_ about how pretty my hair was, while I sat there not quite knowing how to respond. I felt kinda like I was competing for best in show or something. ::shudder:: > > I’m with several other posters- if there’s an outfit/article of clothing that especially catches my eye, I’ll say something. Or if I notice (though this is rare) that someone got a haircut/new glasses/whatever. But I won’t touch someone. Let me see if I got this right–an older woman (clearly not hitting on you or anything) paid you a compliment and you said in reply “Do you have any idea how old that gets?” Wow. Just wow. If people are nice enough to pay me a sincere compliment, I just can’t imagine being rude in reply. I can agree with the folks who don’t like being touched (that’s just creepy) or getting comments about being exceptionally tall, short, skinny, fat, etc., but an honest compliment about your hair??? I think this upsets me because I tend to compliment strangers and it seems to me that this is not only harmless, but a good thing to do. I like getting compliments. I think the world is a better place when we are nice to each other, and compliments are a tiny part of that. In answer to the OP, as to why people “make a fuss” about your hair: They think you will like it. They probably would, or they wouldn’t do it. I know I would. It has made my day when people paid me compliments. ---
**Author:** ![Cub\_Mistress](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ea666f/32.png) [@Cub\_Mistress](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cub_Mistress)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 5:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/51 "2004-06-06T17:34:22Z")
I’ve got to agree with my sis here (Hi, Brynda!) I mean, I love to hear sincere compliments from anyone (a few exceptions, maybe.) I compliment people I know all the time. I may make a remark to a stranger when I’ve been “caught looking”, when they see me noticing something about them a _leetle bit_ too obviously. In that case I’ll say something nice about their hair or earrings or shoes or nice professional look. I think it’s just polite in those circumstances. If they didn’t notice me noticing I don’t run over to tell them a compliment, however. I get remarks about my name all the time: I have the same unusual last name as a well-known actor so people say “Are you related to XXXXX?” Now, _that_ gets old really fast! Telling me I have beautiful eyes or beautiful hair is always a good thing. Seriously, if you are tired of being told how beautiful you are or how gorgeous your hair is, ugly up. Curl up and dye, whatever. I promise I won’t tell you how bad you look. That’s a whole different thread. ---
**Author:** ![Anduin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c6cbf5/32.png) [@Anduin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anduin)\ **Post date:** [June 6, 2004, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/52 "2004-06-06T20:57:03Z")
I’ve had older women comment on my eyes. “Wow, you have the prettiest blue eyes!” kind of thing. The funny thing is, I don’t think they’re that pretty. There more just a funny shade of really light blue with a ring of dark blue around the outside. (And how come guys never tell me I have pretty eyes?!) I also get the height thing. I’m 5’11, and complete strangers always feel utterly compelled to comment on it. I had a woman who wanted to set me up with her son, because he was tall too! Then there was the creepy older guy at the mall who followed me outside saying “Wow, you’re really tall.” “Yup, I am.” “How tall are you?” “5’11” nervous smile. “Wow, I really like those tall girls.” :eek: “Yeah, my boyfriend does too!” I ended up ducking into a restaurant just to get away from him. There was no way I was going to try and get into my car with him following me! I have no problem complimenting people, if they’re wearing something really unusual, and it looks amazing, or if I want to find out where they got it. I’ve never had a negative response from anyone. ---
**Author:** ![bobkitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/c67d28/32.png) [@bobkitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bobkitty)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2004, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/53 "2004-06-08T00:40:30Z")
> [@Brynda](#): > > Let me see if I got this right–an older woman (clearly not hitting on you or anything) paid you a compliment and you said in reply “Do you have any idea how old that gets?” Mmmm… no, that’s not right. What I said was " I was out with a friend and an older woman made the usual “you have such beautiful hair” comment; **as we got into his car** I said “do you have any idea how old that gets?”" To break it down a little further, my friend and I went into a store where the older woman was the cashier. She commented on my hair, I thanked her, my friend and walked out of the store and across the parking lot to get into his car, at which point I said the “that gets old” comment. Because honestly, _sometimes_ it does get old. Sometimes I’m not in a mood to smile politely and say thank you. Sometimes I’m in a hurry, or distracted, and don’t have time to stop and chat with an older woman who wants to know my life story (“Where did you get such beautiful hair? Are your parents redheads? Do you have sisters and brothers who are redheads? Uncles? Aunts? Cousins? Where in Ireland is your father’s family from?” and on, and on…) And I am just about never in the mood for a complete stranger to come up from behind me and grab my hair. That just plain hurts, and it’s scary to suddenly have someone’s fingers caught in your hair. But because Mom raised me to know better than to be snarky for no apparent reason, and because I really have no desire to chop all my hair off, I suck it up. Or wear a hat. Incidentally, my friend’s response to my complaint (roughly paraphrased) was similar to what other posters have lamented: “Yeah… compliment me for something I have some control over, not for some DNA-related fluke.” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Beauty\_Personified](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e480ec/32.png) [@Beauty\_Personified](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beauty_Personified)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2004, 7:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/54 "2004-06-08T07:08:04Z")
I once complimented two friends of mine by telling them, _“ **She’s** got a nicer butt than yours, but **your** eyebrows are gorgeous!”_ I believe I embarrassed the girl with the “nicer butt” somewhat (things got _much_ more uncomfortable a couple of years later ☹ ). They were both amused that I would compliment someone’s eyebrows. But they know I’m a little… quirky. 🙂 One of my best friend’s used to get a lot of compliments from girls on his big, brown doe-like eyes and long eye-lashes. I would get compliments from girls about my long, strong fingernails. At least one girl wished we could somehow trade nails with each other. My nails grow very fast, and I tend to let them grow rather long between cuttings. Those compliments once led to a discussion about incorporating different people’s prize features into one new being. _Paging Dr. Frankenstein!_ I wouldn’t call such a being “beautiful” (that would be using my own name in vain), since proportions and “matching parts” tend to be more important in determining true “good looks”, than particular ideals for particular parts. Anyhoo… ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2004, 11:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/55 "2004-06-08T11:55:18Z")
Heh, feel kind of guillty. I remeber once I was on the tran at the Houston airport. It was very crowded so I had to stand. Well, Directly in front of me were these two twin girls (they must of been around sixteen or so) they weren’t too incredibly atractive; but man! they had the most beautiful green eyes I had ever seen in my life. So stupid me and completely out of character, told them “you two have the most beautiful eyes” a nervous laugh was there only response. I immediately realized after saying that; I must of looked like the classic dirty-old-man[sup]tm[/sup] I felt so bad after doing that. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2004, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/56 "2004-06-08T15:32:49Z")
> [@SanibelMan](#): > > You think that’s bad… When my girlfriend was pregnant and a student at KU, she was walking down the street when some woman came up to her, put her hand on her stomach and said, deeply and ominously, “I pray for the soul of the mother and the child!” My girlfriend called me in tears. Unfortunately, I was five hours away and not able to give that woman something else to pray for. That’s REALLY creepy. It’d piss me off, too, if it were my stomach she was grabbing. I might feel compelled to hit her. I can just see the headlines now: “Pregnant Woman Bitch-Slaps Belly-Grabbing Evangelist,” or something similar. I can’t believe how comfortable some people feel commenting on some things. A compliment, sure, that’s always welcome. But some things that people comment on - surely their mother didn’t condone those manners?! ---
**Author:** ![Brynda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e79b87/32.png) [@Brynda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brynda)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2004, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/57 "2004-06-08T22:35:17Z")
Sorry, **bobkitty** , it wasn’t clear where the woman was in relation to the car, so it sounded to me like you made your comment to her. I see now that you didn’t. I still don’t get not liking compliments, but to each his own, I suppose. ---
**Author:** ![CanvasShoes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/74df32/32.png) [@CanvasShoes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CanvasShoes)\ **Post date:** [June 8, 2004, 10:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/58 "2004-06-08T22:57:37Z")
> [@](#): > > But that’s not it, apparently. I’m an adult and people _still_ do this. Not as often, but seldom a month goes by during which at least one older woman (not necessarily elderly, mind you, but usually older than me. Women younger than my mom, even.), or occasionally grandfatherly man, makes a fuss about my hair. Why?! Because redhaired men are sexual Gods? Oh wait, that’s just MY opinion 😃 In answer to your question, for me… if a person has an outstanding feature, male or female, I’ll usually compliment tham on it. Is this bad? I hadn’t really ever thought it would be unwelcome. I would NOT, however, just make a comment to make a comment, as in “wow red hair”. It would be more like “oh you have GORGEOUS hair” etc. ---
**Author:** ![ErinPuff](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dbc845/32.png) [@ErinPuff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ErinPuff)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2004, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/59 "2004-06-09T01:09:51Z")
I have long, naturally curly hair, and all sorts of random people comment on it and/or try to touch it. Old ladies are particularly prone to doing this. I hate being touched, so it’s really hard to respond positively. I feel like I should just wear a shirt that says, “Yes, it’s natural. No, you may not touch it.” Being horribly shy, I never feel compelled to do this to other people. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [June 9, 2004, 2:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375/60 "2004-06-09T02:34:44Z")
> [@CanvasShoes](#): > > Because redhaired men are sexual Gods? > > Oh wait, that’s just MY opinion 😃 I suppose I could pass the comment on to my brother… 😉 You know, I ought to ask him if _he_ still has people making those comments, or if they don’t because he’s a guy, and not a little one. I bet the old ladies are afraid to. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-feel-compelled-to-comment-on-strangers-physical-appearances/248375.md?page=4)