# Do you follow what he says or his actions. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 8, 2012, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282 "2012-05-08T15:29:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![kushiel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbce88/32.png) [@kushiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kushiel)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2012, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282/21 "2012-05-08T20:39:28Z")
I’d just ask him why he’s being non-committal. Ask if it’s because he’s afraid of being burned again, or if he just doesn’t want to advance your relationship any further. ---
**Author:** ![TXGirl33](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@TXGirl33](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TXGirl33)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2012, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282/22 "2012-05-08T22:04:16Z")
Well stated Irishman. I have actually already tried the other guy thing and he flipped. For someone that says he never gets jealous he was very green. Which only leads me to more hopefulness. We have never really had a fight and we get along better than anyone else I have ever met. I am usually a very independent person and only take people in small doses preferring my freedom but with him I can hang out 24/7 doing taxes or fridge shopping (normally torturous things) and I have the best time. I would like to remain friends even if this does not work but of course would prefer the entire cake. My friends can not understand why I stick with him given my past dominance. I am good looking, young, smart, funny, no baggage other than a house, great job and super fantastic. No sure how this got so turned around where I doubt myself. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2012, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282/23 "2012-05-08T22:10:26Z")
The jealous reaction doesn’t mean he wants a commitment with you. It means he doesn’t want you to fuck or see other guys. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [May 8, 2012, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282/24 "2012-05-08T22:20:48Z")
If he flips out when you see another guy, tell him that you only have monogamous commitments with people you have a monogamous commitment with. Would he like to have one with you? Then he has to have one with you. Otherwise, he can’t. ---
**Author:** ![zoltar7](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/b38774/32.png) [@zoltar7](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoltar7)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2012, 12:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282/25 "2012-05-09T00:03:57Z")
Like they say, action is cheap. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2012, 1:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282/26 "2012-05-09T01:05:52Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > If he flips out when you see another guy, tell him that you only have monogamous commitments with people you have a monogamous commitment with. Would he like to have one with you? Then he has to have one with you. Otherwise, he can’t. Yup. I think it’s actually pretty simple - is he in or out? ---
**Author:** ![Hey\_Hey\_Paula](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hey\_Hey\_Paula](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hey_Hey_Paula)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2012, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282/27 "2012-05-09T01:48:06Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > Yup. I think it’s actually pretty simple - is he in or out? Yeppers. If you’re not his girlfriend, he’s not your boyfriend, and he doesn’t want “anything serious,” then it stands to reason he doesn’t get to tell you not to go on dates or whatever with other guys. Here’s a good saying in regards to relationships\*: You get what you put up with. Well, more specifically, you get more of what you put up with. By putting up with the relationship the way it is, you’ve taught him that he gets to have it all his way. He gets what he wants (a relationship with you, without “commitment”, but it seems like you’re not getting what you want. If you are getting what you want, and you’re happy, great, but it doesn’t sound like you are. \*This also applies to childrearing, family relationships, work relationships, etc. I’ve heard it another way, as “You teach others how to treat you.” ---
**Author:** ![MindsEye\_Watering](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindseye_watering/32/3619_2.png) [@MindsEye\_Watering](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MindsEye_Watering)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2012, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282/28 "2012-05-09T01:50:21Z")
> [@TubaDiva](#): > > Believe him. > > You are not his “Miss Right” but rather, his “Miss Right Now.” It’s great that he’s so good to you in so many ways but he’s made it clear he’s not available for more than what you already got. > > If you’re okay with that, then you’re okay. > > If you want a deeper commitment he’s already said he’s not into you like that so don’t go looking for it. > > Will his attitude change? Probably not. You shouldn’t count on it. > > If you want a deeper commitment – if you want to get married – chances are you’ll have to do that with someone else, live somewhere else, and give this guy up. > > Don’t tell yourself that maybe if you stay long enough he’ll change his mind … chances are no. If being married means that much to you, take him at his word and move on. This is good advice. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2012, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282/29 "2012-05-09T03:31:12Z")
Go buy yourself a copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Seriously, You have a textbook case. You will see your current relationship written quite clearly. He does not see you as a long term partner. He has told you this quite plainly, it’s your job to listen now. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t like you, or enjoy your company. He may enjoy indulging you and playing house. But when it comes to getting married, making a relationship public, having babies or whatever, _he doesn’t want to do that with you_. It’s harsh, but there is probably some other kind of woman he would like to do that with. This isn’t a reflection on you. You guys just don’t happen to have what each other need. Some people like Pepsi, some people like Coke. But the truth is that 90% of men who “don’t believe in marriage” or “are not ready for a relationship now” or have “hang-ups” would bust their ass to make it work if the right woman came around. Think about it- if you were head over heels with someone, would you risk for a moment letting them go? If you wanted to marry a man, would you tell him that you were absolutely not “boyfriend-girlfriend?” Of course not. You’d hold on to that man like he was gold. And that’s what men who love a woman do as well. When people have a viable relationship, it just “works”. If you are 33 and serious about finding a long-term partner, you are just wasting your time with this guy. Think about it- what the fuck is wrong with a guy who won’t call you his girlfriend. Eight graders manage to get to that point of commitment. Go find yourself a man who likes you as a long term partner. You have the right to ask for more than you are getting, and I promise your life will be so much better for it. ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2012, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282/30 "2012-05-09T04:10:06Z")
I don’t actually know either of the people involved in this. But my guess would be that the guy means what he says. If he was a younger guy who’d never been married he might just be nervous about taking things to a new level - if this was the case, he might get over this nervousness with time. But a 43 year old who’s already been married twice? No, my guess is this is a man who’s decided he’s never going to get into another committed relationship. So take it for what it’s worth. If you want a commitment, break it off with this guy and start looking for somebody else. If you want to stay with what you’ve got with this guy, give up on any hope for commitment. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2012, 4:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282/31 "2012-05-09T04:59:00Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > \ It’s harsh, but there is probably some other kind of woman he would like to do that with. \ I agree with the rest of your post except for this - with this guy’s age and his history, I think there’s a good chance that there isn’t a better woman for him - it’s possible he really, truly doesn’t want a commitment with anyone, including the OP. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2012, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282/32 "2012-05-09T12:29:12Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I agree with the rest of your post except for this - with this guy’s age and his history, I think there’s a good chance that there isn’t a better woman for him - it’s possible he really, truly doesn’t want a commitment with anyone, including the OP. True enough, but it’s worth combatting the idea that “He’ll eventually realize how good I am for him” or “If I can work my way into his life, he’ll eventually get tired of being alone and realize he wants to be with me.” The fact is that if you are living together and the guy won’t go as far as to call you his girlfriend, you categorically are not what he is looking for, and that is not going to change. It’s not that he is “scared”, or “gun-shy” or has “complicated emotions.” It’s that he doesn’t want to be in a real relationship with you. To start to heal and move on (and I think in this case that would be a good idea- no use wasting time that could be spent with someone who is emotionally available to have a real relationship) you have to come face to face with the facts that whatever he is looking for, you are not it. ---
**Author:** ![TXGirl33](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@TXGirl33](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TXGirl33)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2012, 2:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282/33 "2012-05-09T14:34:59Z")
[quote=“even\_sven, post:29, topic:621282”] Go buy yourself a copy of “He’s Just Not That Into You.” Seriously, You have a textbook case. You will see your current relationship written quite clearly. I actually have read the book and seen the movie. If that is what I would base my info on his actions clearly show he is into me. No guy would drive 45 min on a beautiful Sunday off to spend three hours on yard work if he did not care. I did not even ask him too. ---
**Author:** ![control-z](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/eada6e/32.png) [@control-z](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/control-z)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2012, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282/34 "2012-05-09T14:52:58Z")
I don’t doubt he likes you, I don’t doubt he loves you. It’s just that he’s doubtless been through lots of crap before and he doesn’t want to get in that deep again. It’s a nice situation you’re in, he feels no pressure. That’s probably why he can be nice to you and do all those little things. No nagging, no pressure. He doesn’t want pressure, he doesn’t want to take things further. You could push him to go to the next level, but you’ve got to be prepared for him to back off instead. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2012, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282/35 "2012-05-09T14:54:21Z")
He’s into what’s going on right now. He makes it clear he doesn’t want a commitment in terms of leading you on that this could become marriage. He’s nice, he likes you as a person, he treats you as more than a fuckbuddy. It seems more like a (serially) monogamous friends-with-benefits situation - with an apparently real friendship. I’d drive 45 minutes to help a good friend, even a platonic one. I sure hope this guy would drive 45 minutes to help someone that he’s getting some from regularly. What incentive would you have to stick around if he wasn’t being a decent friend to you, at the very least? So, take him at his word. You aren’t BF/GF, etc. Are you OK with that never becoming something more and maybe him moving on from this if he finds someone he prefers? If yes, great, you’re set. If not, tell him your issue and move on. ---
**Author:** ![PandaBear77](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/edb3f5/32.png) [@PandaBear77](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PandaBear77)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2012, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282/36 "2012-05-09T16:01:07Z")
What \*\*even sven \*\*said. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2012, 4:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282/37 "2012-05-09T16:53:07Z")
> [@TXGirl33](#): > > I actually have read the book and seen the movie. If that is what I would base my info on his actions clearly show he is into me. No guy would drive 45 min on a beautiful Sunday off to spend three hours on yard work if he did not care. I did not even ask him too. Again, you are mixing up “desire to spend time with you now” with “desire to be in a two-sided, long-term, commited relationship with yu now and in the future.” These things may be the same for you, but for many people they are totally different concepts with little overlap. You can have a lot of fun with someone, but have no interest in any sort of committment or intimacy. As nice as he is, remember that he is keeping his options open. He is reserving the right to, if it comes up, spend next Sunday doing yardwork for a 21 year old coed with a daddy fetish. And even worse- he probably thinks by giving you “fair warning,” that you are not even supposed to get upset about it. He’s telling you that if and when he drops you, you are supposed to just smile whistfully and say “it was nice while it lasted,” even though he knows full well that would break your heart. If he wanted to be in a relationship with you, why would he do that? Why would he reserve the right to break your heart at any time? That’s not normal. That’s bizarre, erratic behavior. Unless, of course, he really is quite serious when he says you are not his girlfriend and you have no future together. Then it is totally sensesible. That’s not what a relationship with a future looks like. A health relationship doesn’t have these problems- I met my boyfriend, we dated a while, we decided we wanted to be exclusive and after a while we started talking about marriage. No drama, no mismatch expections, no sleepless nights and stomachaches. We just clicked and moved forward. Good relationships really are that simple. You can almost certainly find a relationship like that, too. One where you aren’t second guessing and worried and trying to interpret the things he does- one where you are have fun, have emotional support, and have a shared future. But you are not going to have that with this guy. And at this point you are just wasting time that you could be spending with a real partner. ---
**Author:** ![TubaDiva](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tubadiva/32/507_2.png) [@TubaDiva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TubaDiva)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2012, 5:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282/38 "2012-05-09T17:04:59Z")
> [@Ferret\_Herder](#): > > He’s into what’s going on right now. He makes it clear he doesn’t want a commitment in terms of leading you on that this could become marriage. He’s nice, he likes you as a person, he treats you as more than a fuckbuddy. It seems more like a (serially) monogamous friends-with-benefits situation - with an apparently real friendship. I’d drive 45 minutes to help a good friend, even a platonic one. I sure hope this guy would drive 45 minutes to help someone that he’s getting some from regularly. What incentive would you have to stick around if he wasn’t being a decent friend to you, at the very least? > > So, take him at his word. You aren’t BF/GF, etc. Are you OK with that never becoming something more and maybe him moving on from this if he finds someone he prefers? If yes, great, you’re set. If not, tell him your issue and move on. Yes. You should be asking yourself “What do I want/expect/need to get from this relationship?” Do you want to be married? Do you want children, now or later? If what you need does not match up with what he’s willing and able to do, then something must change. What that something is, that’s yet to be determined. So think this through. It’s difficult to be logical in matters of the heart but it’s these choices that determine your own life and happiness so try to set aside emotions and use your head and not your heart so much. You might find it helpful to put this at arms length – if a friend came to you and told you this scenario and asked for your advice, what would you say to them? You see things more clearly when you’re not wearing the rose-tinted goggles of emotion and you have nothing invested in the outcome. Once you absolutely know what you want, what your limits are, set aside the wishing and hoping part and continue to be reasonable, logical, dispassionate, even. Then go talk to him. Straight up. Don’t play games, don’t drag someone else into this by dating someone else or referencing another man, don’t be manipulative in any way. “This is what I want, this is what I need.” Whatever his reaction, well, now you know. And make your choices accordingly. Don’t be all hoping for stuff, but rather make your choices on knowledge. If you don’t get what your heart wants, don’t be dragging this out on both of you. You might need to sing “I Will Survive” 19 times a day for a while but make it a clean break and don’t be bugging him or taking too much of your time bugging yourself over it. Fill your life with other things not him and move on. If you do get what you want, mazel tov! Good luck to you and him, too. ---
**Author:** ![TubaDiva](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tubadiva/32/507_2.png) [@TubaDiva](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TubaDiva)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2012, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282/39 "2012-05-09T17:06:56Z")
What even sven said too. There really is no drama when things are right. Which should tell you something right there. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 9, 2012, 6:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282/40 "2012-05-09T18:41:03Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > \ > That’s not what a relationship with a future looks like. A health relationship doesn’t have these problems- I met my boyfriend, we dated a while, we decided we wanted to be exclusive and after a while we started talking about marriage. No drama, no mismatch expections, no sleepless nights and stomachaches. We just clicked and moved forward. Good relationships really are that simple. You can almost certainly find a relationship like that, too.\ Quoted for emphasis - it really is that simple when two people are right for each other. When it’s right, it’s right, and when it isn’t, you really can’t force it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-follow-what-he-says-or-his-actions/621282.md?page=3)