# Do you have to say 'thank you' to waiters? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 12, 2010, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236 "2010-05-12T23:23:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/21 "2010-05-13T01:37:27Z")
> [@Clark\_Cello](#): > > A couple of weeks ago, a member of my team at work stayed until midnight working on a last minute project that had come up. I considered saying “Thank You”, but I then remembered that he was not my friend, there to do me a favor, but was making money by the hour. There was no need for me to thank him for doing his job. It would have really made me feel lame to say “thank you” in such an artificial situation. I’m glad that you live in a world where raw coin coming from somewhere else waives all baggage associated with being a courteous person. That must be a huge weight lifted from your shoulders. I do high-end IT consulting and I have been that person who stayed until midnight on a Friday night on many occasions to make sure that last minute projects get finished or even so friends and coworkers that I barely even know can go to something important to them. I always had to pay for it in in personal terms. People like me aren’t slaves and we can so no and we won’t generally get fired or reprimanded if we just walk out the door at a reasonable time. I have done that too no matter what was going on because I needed to be somewhere or I just didn’t like the person doing the asking. A lot of it is done out of simple courtesy and human decency. It was a bonus when I did get paid extra for such a thing like I have in the past but I am head of IT for a pharmaceutical factory now as a contractor and I am on salary and do not get paid overtime but I doubt most of my coworkers know that. I stayed until 8:30 pm tonight because I saw an area was going to have problems that I could help with and we made it through it. They said “Thanks” at the end. On a practical level, there are some people that I will help much more than others because of attitude and a sincere thank you can go a long way. Most of us have ‘jobs’ or at least pretend to but that isn’t the same as indentured servitude. Almost anyone, even a bus-boy or a waitress, will react well to being treated like a person and you may even get a little special treatment for yourself by doing it. > **[How to Win Friends & Influence People: Carnegie, Dale: 9780671723651:...](https://www.amazon.com/How-Win-Friends-Influence-People/dp/0671723650)** > > How to Win Friends & Influence People \[Carnegie, Dale\] on Amazon.com. \*FREE\* shipping on qualifying offers. How to Win Friends & Influence People ---
**Author:** ![SeaDragonTattoo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/df705f/32.png) [@SeaDragonTattoo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeaDragonTattoo)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 1:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/22 "2010-05-13T01:55:20Z")
> [@Clark\_Cello](#): > > A couple of weeks ago, a member of my team at work stayed until midnight working on a last minute project that had come up. I considered saying “Thank You”, but I then remembered that he was not my friend, there to do me a favor, but was making money by the hour. There was no need for me to thank him for doing his job. It would have really made me feel lame to say “thank you” in such an artificial situation. Um, sarcasm anyone? I thought that was brilliant. ---
**Author:** ![Bosstone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@Bosstone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosstone)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/23 "2010-05-13T01:58:46Z")
Yep, epic whoosh. ---
**Author:** ![Peremensoe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ce7236/32.png) [@Peremensoe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peremensoe)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/24 "2010-05-13T02:05:44Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > You would no more say “thank you” to a waiter as he unobtrusively changed your plate between courses than you would say “thank you” to a hotel chambermaid as you pass her in the corridor on your way to your room. I don’t _thank_ a hotel chambermaid in the corridor (she’s not doing anything for me at the moment), but I do look at her, smile, and say “good morning” (or some pleasantry), the same as I would for any human being. ---
**Author:** ![srzss05](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/898d66/32.png) [@srzss05](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/srzss05)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/25 "2010-05-13T02:07:57Z")
> [@SeaDragonTattoo](#): > > Um, sarcasm anyone? > > I thought that was brilliant. Sometimes, sarcasm is wasted on idiots. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/26 "2010-05-13T02:15:21Z")
> [@srzss05](#): > > Sometimes, sarcasm is wasted on idiots. 🙂 I think I may have been out sarcasmed on that one, and if so, I admit that I fell for for it. Once you get to that level though, the line between deep humor and that of people you have met too many times gets too small even for an electron microscope to detect. ---
**Author:** ![xash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/x/c6cbf5/32.png) [@xash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xash)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 2:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/27 "2010-05-13T02:16:31Z")
Moved GQ \> IMHO. You’re welcome. - **xash** Administrator ---
**Author:** ![hellpaso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ecae2f/32.png) [@hellpaso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hellpaso)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/28 "2010-05-13T02:18:34Z")
Only say thank you if you wish to be a polite member of society. The fact that you even question that make me think you do not wish to do so.:rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Arrendajo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e0b2c6/32.png) [@Arrendajo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arrendajo)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/29 "2010-05-13T02:41:18Z")
I not only thank the wait staff, I chat with them and ask how’s the evening going and make them laugh by being witty and engaging. It is so easy to make someone feel appreciated, and maybe even brighten a humdrum evening. It is my natural way of being, and I do it without expecting anything in return. I have noted, however, that wait staff who are treated nicely and appreciated are more likely to do favors for you in return – a little extra this or that, a little something on the house… try it sometime. ---
**Author:** ![Shark\_Sandwich](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f04885/32.png) [@Shark\_Sandwich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shark_Sandwich)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 3:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/30 "2010-05-13T03:10:46Z")
> [@Arrendajo](#): > > I not only thank the wait staff, I chat with them and ask how’s the evening going and make them laugh by being witty and engaging. It is so easy to make someone feel appreciated, and maybe even brighten a humdrum evening. It is my natural way of being, and I do it without expecting anything in return. I have noted, however, that wait staff who are treated nicely and appreciated are more likely to do favors for you in return – a little extra this or that, a little something on the house… try it sometime. I do the same. Not only do I thank the waitstaff for serving my food, but I do it when they clear my plates, fill our glasses, and bring my bill. If the food was excellent, I tell them. I don’t know if it’s related at all, but I’ve never had a bad situation in a restaurant that wasn’t resolved to my favor and satisfaction. And in restaurants where my wife and I visit regularly, this respect to the staff has commonly been rewarded by being seated quicker, and having the proprietors bring over a nice bottle of wine for us. ---
**Author:** ![gravitycrash](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/977dab/32.png) [@gravitycrash](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gravitycrash)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/31 "2010-05-13T03:14:50Z")
I’m a social clod but it costs me nothing to say _thank you_ or other pleasantries to people who are serving me or working for me. ---
**Author:** ![Oregon\_sunshine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/50afbb/32.png) [@Oregon\_sunshine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oregon_sunshine)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/32 "2010-05-13T03:19:35Z")
But, aren’t they humans? Is there something I’m missing here? We all deserve to be treated with kindness, politeness, and respect imo, even people who are doing their jobs. That includes saying please and thank you at the very least… ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/33 "2010-05-13T03:19:43Z")
[Quote=Lazarus Long(Robert Heinlein)] Moving parts in rubbing contact require lubrication to avoid excessive wear. Honorifics and formal politeness provide lubrication where people rub together. Often the very young, the untraveled, the naive, the unsophisticated deplore these formalities as “empty,” “meaningless,” or “dishonest,” and scorn to use them. No matter how “pure” their motives, they thereby throw sand into machinery that does not work too well at best. [/QUOTE] Words to live by. ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/34 "2010-05-13T03:41:39Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > Actually, AFAIK, the etiquette of formal table service (in homes or restaurants) in bygone days used to expect that the diners would NOT speak with the servers except for actual communication about the service (“Sherry or hock, sir?” “Excuse me, may I have another fork?” etc.). You would no more say “thank you” to a waiter as he unobtrusively changed your plate between courses than you would say “thank you” to a hotel chambermaid as you pass her in the corridor on your way to your room. > > Diners were not supposed to be rude or oblivious to servers, of course, but they were expected to let the servers get on with their jobs as much in the background as possible. For one thing, in formal _service a la russe_ the servers were so numerous and so omnipresent—refilling wineglasses, clearing plates, putting down place plates, serving plates of food, presenting platters for guests to serve themselves from—that it would have seriously interfered with the diners’ conversation to verbally acknowledge every little thing that the servers did for them. > > I think nowadays it’s much more acceptable, or even expected, to briefly acknowledge servers whenever they show up at your table, but you don’t need to make it more than a quick nod or smile or murmured thank-you. Word. Say thanks a few times, not EVERY blamed time! Or else, it turns into some kind of Mr Gallagher/Mr Sheen thing. These guys are people, just like you. That is: Just Like You. They don’t want a tete a tete, they wanna get done, and get back to jabbering with the hot babe in the back. Many of them could care less if you stroke out. A couple of thank yous is fine. Best wishes, hh ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 3:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/35 "2010-05-13T03:44:29Z")
Not only do I say “thank you” to restaurant servers, but I’ve gotten into the habit of saying it to the driver when I’m getting off the bus after I noticed that other people here do it. I also say “good morning (or afternoon)” when I get on. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Second\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/bbe5ce/32.png) [@The\_Second\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Second_Stone)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/36 "2010-05-13T03:51:24Z")
> [@BigT](#): > > Expecting someone to do something, not telling them, and then getting mad when they don’t doesn’t make the someone else a dick. > > I thank waiters, but not out of some obligation not to be a dick. I also don’t do it because they deserve it. I’m just honestly thankful that I’ve got my food, drink, or whatever. Servers are used to not being thanked and it isn’t going to actually make them mad, that would interfere with getting the job done. But it is polite. As for the whoosh, I missed it. But if this happened to someone, I still say that the supervisor was a horse’s ass and they need to get their resume out. ---
**Author:** ![Spud](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spud/32/347_2.png) [@Spud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spud)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/37 "2010-05-13T04:19:57Z")
Absolutely not… and feel free to treat anyone else you feel is of a lower social position than you less than you would a peer. This could include the homeless, anyone in the service industry, web designers, and of course colored people. ps. Since sarcasm has been missed a few times in this thread, please wring this one out so none drips on your ascot. pps. I just added the web designer part for shock value. Really, I have several good friends who are web designers. In fact, my kids barely recognize if one of their friends is a web designer. ---
**Author:** ![Foldup\_Rabbit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/df788c/32.png) [@Foldup\_Rabbit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Foldup_Rabbit)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/38 "2010-05-13T04:42:58Z")
Server here. Gratitude is nice. I appreciate it. It helps, even if it’s just an automatic head-nod lacking eye contact while you’re chewing as I refill your wine glass. Not saying thank you won’t wreck my day, but it will make me think I either brought you the wrong thing or something you didn’t order or that you simply didn’t notice that I found you some dijon mustard. People do this frequently; they ask for an extra thing, don’t notice or thank me when I bring it to them and then ask for it again later, perturbed because they think that I have forgotten. Even though it’s already on the table. Occasionally I will interrupt a conversation to make sure you noticed your dijon mustard. Acknowledge that I brought you something. Yes, I would rather have money than thank yous. I think most people would, regardless of whether or not they are in a position to be tipped. Whether or not you feel obligated to tip a person should have no bearing on whether or not you thank him for bringing you what you asked for. That’s part of the purpose of a thank you. ---
**Author:** ![Rhythmdvl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85f322/32.png) [@Rhythmdvl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhythmdvl)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/39 "2010-05-13T04:49:46Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > Actually, AFAIK, the etiquette of formal table service (in homes or restaurants) in bygone days used to expect that the diners would NOT speak with the servers except for actual communication about the service (“Sherry or hock, sir?” “Excuse me, may I have another fork?” etc.). You would no more say “thank you” to a waiter as he unobtrusively changed your plate between courses than you would say “thank you” to a hotel chambermaid as you pass her in the corridor on your way to your room. > > Diners were not supposed to be rude or oblivious to servers, of course, but they were expected to let the servers get on with their jobs as much in the background as possible. For one thing, in formal _service a la russe_ the servers were so numerous and so omnipresent—refilling wineglasses, clearing plates, putting down place plates, serving plates of food, presenting platters for guests to serve themselves from—that it would have seriously interfered with the diners’ conversation to verbally acknowledge every little thing that the servers did for them. > > I think nowadays it’s much more acceptable, or even expected, to briefly acknowledge servers whenever they show up at your table, but you don’t need to make it more than a quick nod or smile or murmured thank-you. A lot depends on the establishment and how closely the wait staff interact with you. At restaurants where price starts getting high (say, $40-$50 entrees), most waitstaff aren’t sauntering up with a flair-filled howseverythingkthanksbye, but still interact enough to warrant human, social, and honest pleasantries—different types of professionalism (and the waitstaff at Fridays et al are professionals too), yet both deserving of the rituals of common courtesy. But though you may interact heavily with two or three, behind them is an army of waitstaff who go out of their way to be as unobtrusive as possible. A fallen fork or an emptying glass get taken care of with the barest of interaction, and the table’s conversation never misses a beat. It’s not that they _should_ be treated discourteously, it’s that at that level of service all needs are almost instantly taken care of–breaking into the meal at every step would be overwhelming to the dining experience. I’m _not_ saying that you be chummy with the waiter and scoff at everyone else. I’m saying that some people exercise the skill of ascertaining and fulfilling needs without initiating contact. It’s not rude to let them do so. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/40 "2010-05-13T04:57:14Z")
I always try to be as polite and easy a customer as possible to servers. I say thank you a lot. I’ve never felt like I had to, I do it because I want to, because I know it’s a hard job, and because I actually am grateful. I say it because I _mean_ it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236.md?page=3)