# Do you have to say 'thank you' to waiters? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 12, 2010, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236 "2010-05-12T23:23:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![lezlers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/258eb7/32.png) [@lezlers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lezlers)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 4:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/61 "2010-05-13T16:56:22Z")
Of _course_ you should say thank you to waitstaff. You should say thank you to anyone who provides you a service, it’s just part of interacting in polite society. It seems such an obvious answer, I almost wonder if this whole thread is a whoosh. ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/62 "2010-05-13T18:30:15Z")
I always say “thank you” unless it’s inconvenient, like my mouth is already full of food. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 11:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/63 "2010-05-13T23:48:21Z")
> [@sassyfras](#): > > Rather if you want to say thanks, what they would want more is a fat tip instead. I wasn’t aware that it was an either/or decision. People thank me at work. It’s nice. It makes me feel like I’m doing my job well and that they are satisfied with the service. Other people don’t like to interact, and it always makes me feel slightly wrongfooted. There’s one lady in particular who comes in regularly and is disliked by all the cashiers because she will not speak even when spoken to unless it is strictly necessary to complete her transaction. I served her for six months before discovering she has an Irish accent, and that was only because she needed to give me delivery details for something she wanted ordered in. It’s not that we expect her to be gushing with praise because we’ve done what we’re paid to do, but her silence makes it feel as though she’s offended about something or very unhappy with the service. People don’t generally act as though you don’t exist unless you’ve upset them. Very hard to push aside that feeling of letting her down even though I know that it’s just her way and she’s like that with all cashiers. ---
**Author:** ![put\_down\_the\_sabre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/da6949/32.png) [@put\_down\_the\_sabre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/put_down_the_sabre)\ **Post date:** [May 13, 2010, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/64 "2010-05-13T23:55:45Z")
Americans, in my experience, are extremely rude to servants. They barely say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’. pdts ---
**Author:** ![velomont](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/8491ac/32.png) [@velomont](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/velomont)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/65 "2010-05-14T00:25:07Z")
My wife and I have always enjoyed a relaxed, fun, albeit professional dialogue with servers and truly professional servers know how to do this in higher end restaurants. Treating people politely and with the dignity and respect due other human beings is only right, and that includes the common courtesies such as the pleases and thank yous. We have been in a few situations with other diners who treat the staff as though they are simply automatons and it is extremely embarrassing to the extent that we would have to discretely pull the server alongside after the meal so that we could apologize to him or her for the behaviour of our companion diners. And if the dining experience is unsatisfactory it is possible to explain this to the staff without treating them like shit. This is not a question of “station” - it is, as others have noted above, a question of basic dignity and doing what we can to make life on this rock easier for each other. ---
**Author:** ![Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f08c70/32.png) [@Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crowbar_of_Irony_3)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/66 "2010-05-14T04:55:44Z")
Personally, I can’t grok the idea that just because someone is paid doing a job, they don’t deserve any courtesy or respect. ---
**Author:** ![Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f08c70/32.png) [@Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crowbar_of_Irony_3)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/67 "2010-05-14T05:01:14Z")
> [@The\_Second\_Stone](#): > > As for the whoosh, I missed it. But if this happened to someone, I still say that the supervisor was a horse’s ass and they need to get their resume out. I think **Shagnasty** thought it wasn’t a whoosh because it actually do happen. It’s not an uncommon story among IT world (or other services-oriented industry) that you stayed and do OT and you don’t get a single thank-you from the boss. And next day you get an email from him which said, “You have to learn to be more proactive”. ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 1:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/68 "2010-05-14T13:15:41Z")
> [@Kimstu](#): > > Actually, AFAIK, the etiquette of formal table service (in homes or restaurants) in bygone days used to expect that the diners would NOT speak with the servers except for actual communication about the service (“Sherry or hock, sir?” “Excuse me, may I have another fork?” etc.). You would no more say “thank you” to a waiter as he unobtrusively changed your plate between courses than you would say “thank you” to a hotel chambermaid as you pass her in the corridor on your way to your room. > > Diners were not supposed to be rude or oblivious to servers, of course, but they were expected to let the servers get on with their jobs as much in the background as possible. For one thing, in formal _service a la russe_ the servers were so numerous and so omnipresent—refilling wineglasses, clearing plates, putting down place plates, serving plates of food, presenting platters for guests to serve themselves from—that it would have seriously interfered with the diners’ conversation to verbally acknowledge every little thing that the servers did for them. > > I think nowadays it’s much more acceptable, or even expected, to briefly acknowledge servers whenever they show up at your table, but you don’t need to make it more than a quick nod or smile or murmured thank-you. This is what I was taught. What I actually do depends on the type of restaurant and what the waiter is doing. If they are just changing my place setting or refilling my water glass I might just nod or smile, or if I’m busy talking or chewing I would just ignore it. If they are bringing me food I’m more likely to say thanks. If they are bringing something that I have specially requested (another napkin, etc.) I will definitely say thanks. In a more formal restaurant the wait staff is more frequently interacting with you, and it would be kind of silly to be saying “thank you” every two minutes. In a causal restaurant where the only time you see the waiter is to order and when they bring you food, I’m more likely to say thanks each time I see them. ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/69 "2010-05-14T13:31:01Z")
> [@sassyfras](#): > > When Sass was a Lass, the parental units forced me to say ‘thank you’ whenever the flair-bedecked TGI Friday’s servers dropped off the latest faux-tex-mex fajitas on my plate. And indeed whenever a sever delivered something to us at the table, I was forced to say “THANK YOU”. > > Yet I wondered, since waiters are not your friends there to do you a favor, but making money by the hour and by tip, that there is no need to say ‘thank you’ to a server for doing his job. Rather if you want to say thanks, what they would want more is a fat tip instead. It makes me feel lame to say ‘thank you’ in such an artificial situation, but i am unsure what the proper thing is. (ANd i don’t want spit salsa with those fajitas either) > > So am I supposed to say it or not? Why wouldn’t you say “thank you”? What harm does it cause you? ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/70 "2010-05-14T13:42:57Z")
What is it about you, sitting there in all your entitled splendor, that you cannot take two seconds to acknowledge another human being delivering your food? Are you too busy thinking? Texting? Looking around the room for someone hot to gape at? I don’t understand this at all, and it’s very sad and distasteful that you even ask. ---
**Author:** ![StusBlues](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@StusBlues](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StusBlues)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/71 "2010-05-14T13:51:41Z")
I haven’t exhaustively read this thread, but my answer is a resounding “yes”. It reflects very poorly on you if you do not do this. If I’m out with someone and they don’t thank their servers, my impression is that they are entitled and arrogant, and not generally someone I’d like to be around. ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/72 "2010-05-14T14:07:42Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > Words to live by. Skimming through this thread, I saw you quote Lazarus Long, and all I could think upon reading that quote was, “Who is this eloquent, brilliant poster, Lazarus Long?! I’ve never noticed him on this board before, but I am an insta-groupie now!” I am glad the OP started this thread, because I have a confession. I have always felt weird about the constant ‘thank yous’. I do them, because I prefer to err on the side of caution. The thing is, I try to be a _perfect_ customer. It’s one of those weird things I pride myself on. I smile, I am pleasant, I try to be no trouble, I give a hardy thank you at the end of the meal, I sweet greeting at the beginning, I tip heavy, the whole nine. If something is wrong, I make it seem my fault, “I’m so sorry, I seem to have forgotten to mention that I prefer diet soda, could I trouble you to switch this for me? Thank you so much” All that jazz, for real. But the constant thank yous every moment. When she drops the drinks, the appetizer, the check, the main course, the extra napkins, the kids crayons, jeez. I do it, because I am so committed to being a great customer, but I swear, if I were the waitress, I would wish that folks just shut up, be pleasant and thank me roundly at the end of the meal. I have mastered the muttered, mouthed thankyou and nod and smile, by the way. But even then, it seems weird to do it so often. But damn, the consensus is really coming down hard for the ‘thank yous’. I guess I was hoping that the proper etiquette was going to be just a thank you at the end. Drain Bead was a server, and she says she appreciated the thank yous, so there you go. ETA: Wiki straightened me out on who Lazarus Long is. (edit again, sorry about all the line breaks, I’m posting from work and kinda multi tasking) ---
**Author:** ![Omar\_Little](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/omar_little/32/269_2.png) [@Omar\_Little](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omar_Little)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/73 "2010-05-14T14:25:39Z")
> [@sassyfras](#): > > I was forced to say “THANK YOU”. > > * * * > > So am I supposed to say it or not? Your parents were trying to teach you politeness. They apparently failed. ---
**Author:** ![Brown\_Eyed\_Girl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brown_eyed_girl/32/3574_2.png) [@Brown\_Eyed\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brown_Eyed_Girl)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 3:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/74 "2010-05-14T15:09:39Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > But the constant thank yous every moment. When she drops the drinks, the appetizer, the check, the main course, the extra napkins, the kids crayons, jeez. I really don’t think this is completely necessary at every single opportunity. I say, just be pleasant, say thanks with sincerity once or twice when you get your food or whenever seems the most appropriate time and leave it at that. Showing appreciation is not an act of contrition, nor should you feel guilt over being served by another human being. You don’t have to try to convince them of your overall appreciation by being repetitive or excessively supplicant. Don’t overcompensate. And \*\*never \*\*apologize for someone’s else’s mistake. It’s socially acceptable to respectfully ask for a correction. It doesn’t require softening the blow. Just don’t be a self-righteous jerk about it. And nobody answered my question. How do you like it when a service provider says “you’re welcome” in response to your thank you? ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/75 "2010-05-14T15:26:58Z")
> [@Brown\_Eyed\_Girl](#): > > And \*\*never \*\*apologize for someone’s else’s mistake. It’s socially acceptable to respectfully ask for a correction. It doesn’t require softening the blow. You know what I think? I think I am so dedicated to being a sweet customer because I am fighting some kind of big black sassy woman stereotype. Add to that the fact that I have worked in Customer Service for years now, and you have someone that overcompensates. I do know better than to apologize for their mistake, but I do it still. I should work on that. I feel strange about the whole ‘you’re welcome’ a hundred times, too, because I feel that if I were a waitress I would be annoyed with the whole thing. Like, just smile, be pleasant, say thanks at the end. ETA: My husband also tells me not to apologize for their mistake, but it really does shorten things. Saves her from apologizing over and over and all that. ---
**Author:** ![groo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecd19e/32.png) [@groo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/groo)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 3:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/76 "2010-05-14T15:45:08Z")
When I make (strongly urge or beg) someone on my team work on a weekend, I work the same hours. When one of them asked why I’d been working in my office all day while they were in the lab, I said I needed to make sure I got just as pissed off as they were. I think they resent me less than the other managers. I also say, “Have a nice day” to just about everyone I inteact with. It saddens me how surprised people are when I do that. ---
**Author:** ![Brown\_Eyed\_Girl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brown_eyed_girl/32/3574_2.png) [@Brown\_Eyed\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brown_Eyed_Girl)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/77 "2010-05-14T16:00:34Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > You know what I think? I think I am so dedicated to being a sweet customer because I am fighting some kind of big black sassy woman stereotype. Add to that the fact that I have worked in Customer Service for years now, and you have someone that overcompensates. I do know better than to apologize for their mistake, but I do it still. I should work on that. > > I feel strange about the whole ‘you’re welcome’ a hundred times, too, because I feel that if I were a waitress I would be annoyed with the whole thing. Like, just smile, be pleasant, say thanks at the end. > ETA: My husband also tells me not to apologize for their mistake, but it really does shorten things. Saves her from apologizing over and over and all that. Aww. You seem like a very nice big black sassy woman. 😉 I do know where you’re coming from. Keep trying. I’m sure you’ll be even more pleasant to be around when you stop overcompensating. So sayeth the kettle. :o ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/78 "2010-05-14T16:24:27Z")
Yes. Yes you do. Would you thank somebody who hired you for a job? I mean, there’s no _reason_ to- they need somebody to do some work, so it’s not like they did you a favor… ---
**Author:** ![Long\_Time\_Lurker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/2bfe46/32.png) [@Long\_Time\_Lurker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Long_Time_Lurker)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/79 "2010-05-14T17:13:27Z")
> [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > As **Kimstu** and \*\*Rhythmdvl \*\*have said, sometimes it seems out of place in swanky restaurants. It probably marks me as a hick, but I still do it. I can’t not do it. It doesn’t mark you as a hick. It marks you as polite. I’ve lived in Manhattan for most of my life and thank servers for everything they bring me, take away from me and refill for me. It takes one second, and does not slow their job in the slightest. I can’t imagine why someone would not do it. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/80 "2010-05-14T17:23:57Z")
> [@Long\_Time\_Lurker](#): > > It doesn’t mark you as a hick. It marks you as polite. I’ve lived in Manhattan for most of my life and thank servers for everything they bring me, take away from me and refill for me. It takes one second, and does not slow their job in the slightest. I can’t imagine why someone would not do it. I’ve wondered about that in the past, too, but I decided it didn’t matter for the same reasons - good manners/politeness are what I was raised with and never go out of style, and if anyone thinks I’m a hick for being polite, that reflects more on them than me. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236.md?page=5)