# Do you have to say 'thank you' to waiters? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 12, 2010, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236 "2010-05-12T23:23:04Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Long\_Time\_Lurker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/2bfe46/32.png) [@Long\_Time\_Lurker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Long_Time_Lurker)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/81 "2010-05-14T17:36:05Z")
> [@Cat\_Whisperer](#): > > I’ve wondered about that in the past, too, but I decided it didn’t matter for the same reasons - good manners/politeness are what I was raised with and never go out of style, and if anyone thinks I’m a hick for being polite, that reflects more on them than me. As a friend of mine is fond of saying, “If not morals, manners.” I have to balance my karma somehow. ---
**Author:** ![LilGypsyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/54ee81/32.png) [@LilGypsyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LilGypsyGirl)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/82 "2010-05-14T19:04:38Z")
> [@SeaDragonTattoo](#): > > How else would you acknowledge the presence of someone and indicate your acknowledgment of something they just did like set a plate down on your table or refill your beverage? > > Thumbs-up? > Middle finger? > Ignore completely? Yes, I agree…it’s a good question. Does the OP just ignore the server and assume the food got there by some sort of magical portal from the line in the kitchen to your table? :dubious: Having waited tables for a long time to pay for college many years ago, take it from someone that was on the front lines: You are the person that we are calling an utter asshole, and no amount of tip can make up for the sheer rudeness of you not being bothered to toss out a simple, “Thanks!” We would rather never serve you again than put up with that, no matter how big of a tipper you seem to think you are. ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/83 "2010-05-14T19:44:21Z")
It irks to see a movie, with the rich people sitting at the table, servants fetching food and drink, without so much as a ‘thank you, Bertha’. Sitting there like Pharoah with his slaves, no matter what year or circumstances. I may be an over-thanker myself, but being moderately well off and semi-retired, I’m fervently grateful that I’m not a single mom cashiering at Walmart, or a tired waitress at the beck and call of ladies who lunch. A smile and a kind word really CAN make someone’s day better. ---
**Author:** ![Kizarvexius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/da6949/32.png) [@Kizarvexius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kizarvexius)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/84 "2010-05-14T21:13:00Z")
A piece of advice I heard some years ago, and which I have repeated numerous times to my 11 year-old daughter: “a guy who takes you on a date and treats you like a queen but is rude to the wait staff – is _not_ a nice person.” ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/85 "2010-05-14T21:22:24Z")
> [@Brown\_Eyed\_Girl](#): > > It’s kind of funny that you bring this up. I was wondering how it comes across when I say “you’re welcome” to customers who thank me for helping them. It seems rude to just ignore them. I’ve thought about changing my response (which has been instinctual) to “My pleasure!” but that just sounds kind of, well, not sincere (although it would be because I really do like my job). “No problem,” sounds as if I’m assuming the customer thinks it’s a problem to ask for help. But, I can’t think of any other phrase that is as succinct and direct as “You’re welcome.” In English-speaking countries in which they don’t say “you’re welcome,” they think it’s just as strange. “Why would you say that I’m welcome to thank you?” These are just set phrases. There’s no need to look into the literal meaning. ---
**Author:** ![kanicbird](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/5f8ce5/32.png) [@kanicbird](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kanicbird)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/86 "2010-05-14T23:12:15Z")
Follow your heart. To me money means nothing and I am grateful for the service, so I will say thank you. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [May 14, 2010, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/87 "2010-05-14T23:57:03Z")
I don’t really care if you thank me in words for every little thing, as long as you are generally gracious. But I appreciate it. I use these polite, somewhat meaningless word and phrases on everyone all the time, myself. Especially people like me who are just doing their boring jobs, serving lots of people they don’t know or care about each day. It makes the world seem a little more friendly. I thank my customers for giving me their money, even though I know they are legally obligated to pay me for goods and services. As an antisocial person at heart, I actually prefer the absolute minimum interaction with my customers and I don’t attempt to engage them ever - I just get you what you need, minimal conversation. But I take it all in the spirit it’s given. If customers want to talk to me, I don’t enjoy it, but I will put on a good act and I can appreciate that they took time away from their own conversation and meal to treat me like a friend. It’s sweet - misguided in my case, but I’m not normal. Most of my fellow servers actually enjoy conversing with guests, especially if they are funny. ---
**Author:** ![Spoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a88e57/32.png) [@Spoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoke)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/88 "2010-05-15T00:14:48Z")
> [@put\_down\_the\_sabre](#): > > Americans, in my experience, are extremely rude to servants. They barely say ‘please’ or ‘thank you’. > > pdts That’s an interesting comment. Where are you from, and what experience with Americans and “servants” makes you think so? (Not a hostile question; I am just curious.) I actually came into thread to inquire whether it is expected to say “thank you” to servers in Europe, because in my experience it seems less common to hear it there. Also wondering about whether the custom is observed in other parts of the world. ---
**Author:** ![elelle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f0a364/32.png) [@elelle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elelle)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/89 "2010-05-15T00:36:49Z")
**Make Sure It’s in the Appropriate Language** I’m always polite to anyone who does something for me, just good manners. For waitstaff, especially, since I’ve had past jobs on both sides of the restaurant, wait and kitchen, and appreciate the work done. At one point, I was working in a catering kitchen, where most of my coworkers were great Amigos from Mexico. I was used to using basic Spanish during the workday, fast-paced, a good immersion course in everyday Spanish. Tired at the end of a workday, went to an Indian restaurant, and the turbaned Indian waiter came to refill the water glass, and “Gracias” just came out of my mouth. The look on his face as he drew the pitcher back was icy, and I figured what was going through his mind was “Hey, Lady, not all us brown people speak the same language…” :smack::o I tried to explain that I worked with Mexican guys all day, and, sorry, I was just used to saying Gracias, and… “Yes, OK”, and the waiter was kinda distant after that, don’t blame him. :smack: Of course, I left a big tip. ---
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 12:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/90 "2010-05-15T12:08:38Z")
To echo ratatoskk and someone else, it does depend on the sort of restaurant. I’ve not been a waiter, but imagining how I think I’d feel, the point is that in a fairly typical restaurant, if I come to the table thrice, to bring the menus, bring the food, and bring the bill, it would be polite to thank me each time! If you don’t feel sociable, then JUST “thank you” is fine. Starting a conversation is also fine, so long as you use common sense to see when I’m in a hurry, and don’t go on talking when I clearly need to get away. In a higher-end restaurant, I have less experience, but there’s more of an official switch between “I’m here to ask you how your meal is” and “I’m here to surreptitiously replace the silverware, and pride myself on doing so unobtrusively”. Thus, it’s unnecessary to thank me every time I do ANYTHING, if I’m there continually doing things, probably better to wait until I’ve finished and then thank me. But, you know, it’s not a precision science. Say thank you several times to show that you mean it, and I won’t mind if you say it once too often or once too few! ---
**Author:** ![Rhythmdvl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/85f322/32.png) [@Rhythmdvl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rhythmdvl)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/91 "2010-05-15T12:46:56Z")
I wonder if people who don’t think it important to extend courtesies to waitstaff forego such pleasantries in other aspects of life. Do they treat business or service phone calls as if they were in a movie and not say hello and goodbye? Do they ignore the clerk at a convenience store? > [@Long\_Time\_Lurker](#): > > It doesn’t mark you as a hick. It marks you as polite. I’ve lived in Manhattan for most of my life and thank servers for everything they bring me, take away from me and refill for me. It takes one second, and does not slow their job in the slightest. I can’t imagine why someone would not do it. To clarify a bit about the staff of certain restaurants: I’m not suggesting that everyone but the waiter and sommelier should be ignored. I’m not suggesting that if someone fills your glass or exchanges a bread plate and enters into your sphere of awareness it’s not right to extend the aforementioned courtesies. I am saying that at a particular level of service some members of the staff actively try _not_ to intrude (bad word, but I hope you understand the context) into your awareness. And they keep their jobs because they’re good at it. Consider, for a moment, any reasonably competent server. He or she is not going to barge in randomly with an “is everything okay” as you’re in the middle of a sentence. Rather, they are aware of their tables and step in when there is a beat in the natural rhythm. The professionals I’m referring to can sidle up to the table to take care of your needs without waiting for such a pause and without perturbing the rhythm. While nothing precludes a nod or smile or acknowledgement—or an outright thank you if you’re so inclined—the level of interaction does not make it as socially required as with your primary waitstaff; finish your sentence or let your companion finish theirs. Again, I’m not trying to draw sharp lines or conventions. I’m merely adding a hint of nuance to the general topic. ---
**Author:** ![Green\_Bean](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/green_bean/32/1760_2.png) [@Green\_Bean](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Green_Bean)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 9:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/92 "2010-05-15T21:35:25Z")
> [@Foldup\_Rabbit](#): > > Not saying thank you won’t wreck my day, but it will make me think I either brought you the wrong thing or something you didn’t order or that you simply didn’t notice that I found you some dijon mustard. People do this frequently; they ask for an extra thing, don’t notice or thank me when I bring it to them and then ask for it again later, perturbed because they think that I have forgotten. Even though it’s already on the table. Occasionally I will interrupt a conversation to make sure you noticed your dijon mustard. Acknowledge that I brought you something. Word. There was this off-site guy that I occasionally did some work for. I’d do what he asked and email it off to him. Rarely did he say thanks. It irked me. In thinking about it, I realized that I was looking more for acknowledgement than thanks. I wanted to know that he received it and that it was satisfactory. I finally asked him to please just let me know that he got whatever it was, and from then on, he did acknowledge my work. By saying “thanks.” > [@elelle](#): > > **Make Sure It’s in the Appropriate Language** > > I’m always polite to anyone who does something for me, just good manners. For waitstaff, especially, since I’ve had past jobs on both sides of the restaurant, wait and kitchen, and appreciate the work done. > > At one point, I was working in a catering kitchen, where most of my coworkers were great Amigos from Mexico. I was used to using basic Spanish during the workday, fast-paced, a good immersion course in everyday Spanish. > > Tired at the end of a workday, went to an Indian restaurant, and the turbaned Indian waiter came to refill the water glass, and “Gracias” just came out of my mouth. The look on his face as he drew the pitcher back was icy, and I figured what was going through his mind was “Hey, Lady, not all us brown people speak the same language…” :smack::o > > I tried to explain that I worked with Mexican guys all day, and, sorry, I was just used to saying Gracias, and… “Yes, OK”, and the waiter was kinda distant after that, don’t blame him. :smack: Of course, I left a big tip. You had absolutely nothing to apologize for or be embarrassed about. “Gracias” is simply part of the American lexicon. I don’t speak Spanish nor am I around a lot of Spanish-speakers, but I say gracias and hola all the time without giving it a thought. And if that guy was pissed off about it, he just needs to get over himself. ---
**Author:** ![Bambi\_Hassenpfeffer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Bambi\_Hassenpfeffer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bambi_Hassenpfeffer)\ **Post date:** [May 15, 2010, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236/93 "2010-05-15T22:35:13Z")
Of course you should thank your waitstaff. And your cashier, toll-taker, DMV clerk, and every other service person. They’re working jobs that are often pretty awful, and discourteous customers just make it worse. What’s so hard about acknowledging the humanity of service people? I thank every one of them every time. If my mouth is full or I’m in the middle of something, they at least get a little smile and nod. Being nice to service people is a mitzvah, and it’s just the right thing to do. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-have-to-say-thank-you-to-waiters/539236.md?page=4)