# Do you hold grudges? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 3, 2010, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109 "2010-03-03T12:05:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![HotSmoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/d9b06d/32.png) [@HotSmoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HotSmoke)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 12:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109/1 "2010-03-03T12:05:49Z")
I was wondering if any of you hold grudges. If you do,for how long? I used to have a friend who quit talking to me for a year because of some percieved slight at a bar one night. To this day I still have no idea what this percieved slight was(although I am sure alcohol played a part) We still don’t really talk anymore. I admit I am curious. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109/2 "2010-03-03T12:10:32Z")
I did, but no longer thanks to the current state of my short term memory. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 12:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109/3 "2010-03-03T12:16:04Z")
Nope. I’ve never been able to do that. I guess I just see all humans, including myself, as inherently fallible, and I’m never surprised when they screw up and hurt me. Of course, there is a difference between ‘‘not holding a grudge’’ and ‘‘maintaining a relationship in which you are continually abused’’ and the latter I do not do. ---
**Author:** ![HotSmoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/d9b06d/32.png) [@HotSmoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HotSmoke)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109/4 "2010-03-03T12:38:56Z")
I see it as expending too much negative energy. I am the kind of person who blows up and then forgets about it. Unless you have done something particularly heinous to me,I usually forgive and forget. I am always amazed at people who refuse to speak to each other for years because of something that happened in the past. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109/5 "2010-03-03T12:40:59Z")
I guess it depends what is meant by grudge. I will use the terms active and passive grudge. I used to hold an active grudge, by which I mean I would have animosity to the person in question. I rarely do that now. However, it sometimes will happen that a person’s behavior is not acceptable to me and I will exclude them from my life - a passive grudge. I don’t think about them or have any animosity, but I won’t seek to keep them in my life either. I won’t invite them to gatherings or email to touch base or call to keep in touch, etc. ---
**Author:** ![Chicken\_Fingers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Chicken\_Fingers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chicken_Fingers)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109/6 "2010-03-03T13:42:53Z")
I can hold a grudge about as long as I can hold my breath. ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109/7 "2010-03-03T13:57:47Z")
I can hold a grudge depending on the circumstance. There was this guy at work - he was in charge of developing some material for a middle school history class. He screwed it up big time. He copied and pasted from Wikipeda - with the [citation needed] notes not even deleted! He came up with discussion questions more appropriate for third graders (question about the Bedouin: If you were stranded in the desert, what is the one item you would take with you?). He was hired before I became the program supervisor, and he’d already been paid for his crap. There was nothing I could do - I had to redevelop the entire course myself. Even thinking about it now still makes my teeth clench. If I ever actually meet the guy I’m going to kick him in the balls. But for the most part, like with fights with my parents or my boyfriend, I’m over it pretty quickly. Really. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 2:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109/8 "2010-03-03T14:04:21Z")
> [@HotSmoke](#): > > I see it as expending too much negative energy. I am the kind of person who blows up and then forgets about it. Unless you have done something particularly heinous to me,I usually forgive and forget. > I am always amazed at people who refuse to speak to each other for years because of something that happened in the past. Yup, this sums up my feelings too. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109/9 "2010-03-03T14:55:04Z")
If I hold a grudge, it is not harming the person whom I have a grudge against. It is only harming me. ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 3:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109/10 "2010-03-03T15:01:01Z")
I find that if I just go ahead and shoot them right when the offence is committed that it’s hard to stay mad at them anymore. It seems to have an almost ‘calming effect’ on my. So gosh no I don’t hold a grudge. That would be silly. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109/11 "2010-03-03T15:03:16Z")
I don’t really hold grudges, but there are some people that are not good for me to hang out with anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109/12 "2010-03-03T15:06:34Z")
Only when the target of the grudge shows no real remorse/concern over what they did, and repeatedly does inappropriate things. I let myself be a real doormat when my father-in-law would do/say awful things, and try to blow it off, but I only later realized that he didn’t have a bit of concern over whether those actions hurt anyone. I carry a grudge to remind myself that he’s pretty damned close to a sociopath, if not actually one, and that his charm is a very thin little facade. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109/13 "2010-03-03T15:11:39Z")
It’s not carrying a grudge if you simply choose to remove yourself from the person’s presence, or even just keep in mind what they have done to you. I constantly remember that my mother is a psycho when I speak to her but it’s not carrying a grudge. It’s just being cautious. ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109/14 "2010-03-03T15:12:10Z")
I think it’s how you define grudge. For instance, I am pretty easy going but if you really screw me over, and it’s happend, I simply realize what kind of person you are and franky, I don’t need that. Now to a lot of people this sounds like a grudge, but it’s not. There’s no ill will or resentment, it just that I don’t have time for a lot of people. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109/15 "2010-03-03T15:28:03Z")
I tend to hold corporate grudges for a long time. For instance, six years ago Dicks Sporting Goods screwed me over. I wrote a complaint letter explaining what happened, and said I would never shop there again. They snail mailed me a very nice coupon (IIRC it was $25 off anything). I shredded the coupon. ---
**Author:** ![amarinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@amarinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amarinth)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109/16 "2010-03-03T16:08:23Z")
Yes. They aren’t consuming. I don’t wake up every morning and go through my enemies list. I don’t seek out people to be angry with. But if for some strange reason I do run across the wrong person’s name, even years later, I’ll think for a second “yep, still hate that bastard” and then go on with my life. I have a very long fuse. It takes quite a deal to end up on the hate list. ---
**Author:** ![kelly5078](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/6f9a4e/32.png) [@kelly5078](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kelly5078)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109/17 "2010-03-03T16:16:22Z")
I admit I’d smile if a few people were thrown into the Lake of Fire. Mostly people who have done some sort of harm to my children. ---
**Author:** ![Omega\_Glory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/7c8e57/32.png) [@Omega\_Glory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Omega_Glory)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109/18 "2010-03-03T16:21:17Z")
> [@amarinth](#): > > Yes. > They aren’t consuming. I don’t wake up every morning and go through my enemies list. I don’t seek out people to be angry with. But if for some strange reason I do run across the wrong person’s name, even years later, I’ll think for a second “yep, still hate that bastard” and then go on with my life. > > I have a very long fuse. It takes quite a deal to end up on the hate list. This is how I used to be, or maybe, am. I’m not harboring any grudges at the moment, because the ones I did have dissipated as time went on (about ten years), but if I do end up being given reason to hold a grudge again, it’ll probably be the same process. ---
**Author:** ![Katriona](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/katriona/32/113_2.png) [@Katriona](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katriona)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109/19 "2010-03-03T16:43:17Z")
I can and do, and I remember EVERYTHING. Everything. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109/20 "2010-03-03T16:46:35Z")
At work, I’ll hold a grudge like a motherfucker. With my friends and family, I’m a lot more forgiving and forgetting, and accepting of them as fallible human beings. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-hold-grudges/531109.md?page=2)