# Do you love all your kids equally?

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093>\
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion\
**Created:** [August 22, 2005, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093 "2005-08-22T12:55:18Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 1

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**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093/1 "2005-08-22T12:55:18Z")

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OR, if you were once a kid 😉 , do you think your parents loved you and all your siblings equally?

I had a big ol’ guiltfest last night when I realized that I’ve never loved my son with the passionate, all-consuming, crazy head over heals love that I feel for my baby daughter. Considering the circumstances of his birth (unplanned, teenage pregnancy, post-partum depression which my mother enabled by pretty much taking care of him for me instead of insisting that I do it and get treatment) as opposed to his sister’s birth (longed for and planned pregnancy, very premature birth, me not working and getting to spend every day at her bedside in NICU, still not working now that she’s home, no depression, and I’m 12 years older and better able to cope with life in general) it’s completely logical. But it still makes me feel shitty.

I grew to love him, but wasn’t too fond of him as a baby, honestly. He seems to love his sister, but do you think he unconsciously (or consciously) knows that I love her just thismuch more passionately? Is this going to ruin his life? Am I a terrible mother and human being? (I’m mostly joking here. I don’t really need validation, but I am curious if this issue has come up for others and how you’ve dealt with it.)

I was an only child, save for some part-time stepbrothers, so this was never a concern of mine growing up.

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**Author:** ![racer72](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/racer72/32/3075_2.png) [@racer72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racer72)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093/2 "2005-08-22T13:01:49Z")

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Definitely not. I have 2 sons and 2 step daughters, one son and one step daughter have done things to me I can never forgive. I haven’t seen or heard from the son in 5 years (his choice) and I tolerate the step daughter. I have a great relationship with the other 2.

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**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 1:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093/3 "2005-08-22T13:05:31Z")

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A parent’s love for a child is complicated. Would you die for your child? Would you throw yourself on a grenade for him?

I don’t think it makes much sense to those without kids, but for me, both of my kids are my favorite. Ivyboy is my favorite because he’s my son, and Ivygirl is my favorite because she’s my daughter. My SIL, who has two girls, feels the same. One is her favorite because she’s the older one, and the other is her favorite because she’s the younger.

What you may feel as more passionate love for your daughter may be concern because her beginning was so precarious. Do you spend time with your boy? Do you play with him, praise him, scold him when he needs it? Do you like spending time with him? Do you enjoy learning how his day went?

That’s love. You’re not going to love your children all the time exactly the same way. But if you would throw yourself on a grenade for him without a second’s thought then I think you’re heading in the right direction.

Relax, and enjoy him for who he _is_. As long as you don’t blatantly (or subtly) favor your daughter over your son (giving her privileges you don’t give him, letting her get away with stuff you punish him for) you’ll be fine.

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**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093/4 "2005-08-22T13:10:17Z")

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I was the first born in my family and my parents liked/loved my brothers more. Understandable really, they were much less trouble. I was obviously a very difficult child and I know that later on I caused them far more problems than my brothers.

I have two living sons and for many years the younger one would swear that I favoured his brother and it probably seemed that I did. A few years down the track younger son and I are thick as thieves and elder brother hardly talks to me.

It’s like most of life, in large part pot luck. If you are never actively unpleasant to anyone then how you get on with them is kind of out of your control.

I never begrudged my parents attitude toward me and like I say my younger son obviously never held it against me.

I don’t think that wishing that you felt differently lets you actually feel differently, it just makes you berate yourself.

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**Author:** ![Askia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/96bed5/32.png) [@Askia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askia)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093/5 "2005-08-22T13:12:33Z")

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It’s only fair. Kids have favorite parents.

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**Author:** ![Exgineer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a88e4f/32.png) [@Exgineer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Exgineer)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093/6 "2005-08-22T13:22:49Z")

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I wish I had the time to do a search, because **zev steinhart** posted the best answer to this question I’ve ever seen a couple of years ago.

Basically, he pointed out why each of his kids were his favorite. It was a thing of beauty.

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**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 1:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093/7 "2005-08-22T13:27:35Z")

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You can love different children for different reasons. Also, I believe all of that changes about a gazillion times during your lifetime. I only have one child, but I was the middle kid of three, and I’m sure I was a pain in the ass for most of my adolescent years.

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**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 2:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093/8 "2005-08-22T14:09:47Z")

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When my kids ask me this question I always tell them that I love the dog more.  
That way getting to the bottom of the matter in therapy will be a peice of cake. YAY!

These are not your children.

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**Author:** ![Shirley\_Ujest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/45deac/32.png) [@Shirley\_Ujest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shirley_Ujest)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 2:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093/9 "2005-08-22T14:11:40Z")

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In fairness, my kids think the dog is their big sister and they sometimes think they are dogs or cats.

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**Author:** ![An\_Arky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@An\_Arky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Arky)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 2:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093/10 "2005-08-22T14:23:36Z")

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I love them all equally; they’re all different. I dote on the youngest most right because she’s only 7 months old, it’s required! I snuggle with my middle child (3.5 yo) every night till he goes to sleep (some times a couple of times a night!), and I take my oldest (7 yo) to baseball games and amusement parks; he’s old enough to enjoy them now. Each one has some things delightful about them, as well as some things that I wish they’d just stop doing/not doing.

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**Author:** ![Sal\_Ammoniac](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8dc957/32.png) [@Sal\_Ammoniac](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sal_Ammoniac)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 2:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093/11 "2005-08-22T14:51:01Z")

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My favorite is always the one who is bugging me least at a given moment. Flippancy aside, it’s true that kids, from the moment they’re born, belong to the great human race, some members of which you like better than others, for reasons that are often quite capricious. It’s a fact of life. What matters, I think, is not whether you have favorites, but whether you \*play \*favorites. Even if you prefer one kid over another, you have to do your best to let justice prevail.

I did read once (no cite, unfortunately) that kids grow up realizing that parents have favorites, and that it does them no long-term harm, so long as the parents treat the kids equally.

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**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093/12 "2005-08-22T14:52:24Z")

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> [@Shirley Ujest](#):
>
> When my kids ask me this question I always tell them that I love the dog more.  
> That way getting to the bottom of the matter in therapy will be a peice of cake. YAY!

Ah, a parent after my own heart. Keep 'em guessing, that’s the ticket.

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**Author:** ![Earthworm\_Jim](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f07891/32.png) [@Earthworm\_Jim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Earthworm_Jim)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 3:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093/13 "2005-08-22T15:26:00Z")

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They’ve all got things I like & dislike about them, but I wouldn’t hesitate to leap on the grenade for any of them.

Of course, none of them are teens yet 😃

[tangent]  
I’ve been known to tell a random child they’re my favorite in front of the others, with little provocation. Of course, I’ve also been known to ask them “If one member of the family had to die, and you can’t pick yourself, who would it be?” and “Who do you love more, me or your mother?” and “Would you rather be eaten by alligators or trampled by an elephant?”

Yep, dinner conversations at my house are a blast!  
[/tangent]

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**Author:** ![Cat\_Jones](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/96bed5/32.png) [@Cat\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Jones)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093/14 "2005-08-22T15:51:24Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> Keep 'em guessing, that’s the ticket.

I always assumed my brother was favourite due to an old fashioned attitude to gender roles in our house (girls don’t whistle, boys don’t hang the washing out etc.), turns out he always thought I was the golden child 'cos I never stepped out of line and got good marks at school !

As Askia says we have favourite parents - I mean I love them both I do, it’s just that I like Mum more. I mean given a chance to spend a few days alone with her I’d think ‘Great’ whereas him I’d have ‘Oh, hope he’s in a good mood / won’t say anything to upset me, what am I going to do to keep him occupied’ type thoughts.

Perhaps more relevant to your situation **Whynot** , I had a friend at uni with a sister 10 years his junior, she’d been born premature (although not as early as Whybaby) and he was as proud and protective of her as his parents. He’d been involved in raising money for an incubator for the hospital she’d been in and had obviously understood from a young age that his sister’s start to life made his parents ‘treasure’ her more. As result he also treasured her, I never heard him say anything which would make me think he felt hard done or that he resnted his sister in any way.

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**Author:** ![WhyNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c77e96/32.png) [@WhyNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WhyNot)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 4:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093/15 "2005-08-22T16:09:56Z")

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Thanks for the replies, everyone! The guilt is slipping away as I read. 😃

**Cat Jones** , especially thanks for the anecdote about the large age gap and preemie birth. It does seem particularly relevant! And also resonant. He really does adore his baby sis, and he had the wonderful idea of cutting off his long hair to donate to Locks of Love in celebration of her homecoming (and, of course, I followed his example). He loves to put together her baby toys and hold her and coo over her just as much as we do. He wants me to teach him how to sew incubator covers for the hospital.

Of course, as pointed out, at least some of it may simply be an age thing. She’s so little and cute and dependant, she invites the googly-eyed luuuurve babies need to survive. He’s 12 and running rampant through puberty at frightening speeds, entering that time where he’s becoming less and less dependant.

He’s really an awesome kid. It’s just that he feels so oddly not my child. He’s more like a little brother to me - we’re “buddies” and always have been. Even when he needs disciplining, he responds to “reasonable requests” more than authoritarian demands. He’s such a self-sufficient, polite and well-behaved kid that I’ve never had to be The Mom in that hierarchical kind of way. She, OTOH, feels like an Anne Geddes portrait come to life and I just want to shelter her and hug her and kiss her to pieces and go all Mama Bear growly on anyone or anything that threatens her.

I’d leap on the grenade for either - but he’d be more likely to pick up the grenade and disarm it before it could even go off!

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**Author:** ![zev\_steinhardt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/97f17d/32.png) [@zev\_steinhardt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zev_steinhardt)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093/16 "2005-08-22T16:16:01Z")

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> [@Exgineer](#):
>
> I wish I had the time to do a search, because **zev steinhart** posted the best answer to this question I’ve ever seen a couple of years ago.
> 
> Basically, he pointed out why each of his kids were his favorite. It was a thing of beauty.

Thank you **Exgineer** , for remembering my post in the [Do Parents Have Favorites?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=121279) thread. The ages and some of the reasons have changed since then (it was written in 2002), but the same basic underlying principle applies.

I’ll reprint it here:

> [@](#):
>
> Growing up (I had one sister), I always used to wonder how parents could not have a favorite. For example, I had a favorite aunt. That didn’t mean I didn’t love my other aunts, but I had one that was my favorite, for reasons of my own. Likewise, I had a favorite cousin, etc. So, I wondered to myself, how could parents not have a favorite? I didn’t for one second think that my parents didn’t love me or my sister and, in fact, it never really bothered me one way or the other whether they loved me more or my sister. But, I figured, one of us had to be the favorite.
> 
> Now that I am the father of three, I understand a little better, and will try to give you an insight. I have three children, Avraham (male, 8), Chaim (male, 6) and Tzivya (female, 5).
> 
> Avraham is my favorite child. He is my favorite because he is sharp as a tack. He’s extremely intelligent and I draw intense pride from his intelligence and the way he utilizes it. This is the kid who, at age five, on his own, explained to his kindergarten teachers what the trachea and esophogus were (my wife witnessed that exchange). When he brings home notes from his teachers saying that he is doing excellently, I have such nachas from him that I practically kvell. Another reason that Avraham is my favorite is because of his intense interest in animals and will spend every spare moment he has either reading about animals or playing Microsoft’s Zoo Tycoon on the computer. To him, a trip to the zoo isn’t just an outing, it’s an adventure.
> 
> Chaim is my favorite child. Chaim is my favorite child because of his sensitivity and intelligence. Chaim is more sensitive to the feelings of others than any other child I know. He will voluntarily give up his toys to other children, if keeping them will make them unhappy. He always has everyone’s best interests at heart. He’s the kid that if someone gave him two lollipops, he’d probably give them to his brother and sister. Chaim is also my favorite because of his intelligence. If you thought Avraham was smart, you ain’t seen nothing yet. Chaim taught himself to read at age three. Since he was yet a toddler, he always had a fascination with letters and numbers and could identify capital, lowercase and Hebrew letters at an extremely early age. Chaim is my favorite because he is a natural teacher. He will sit down with his sister and try to teach her to read. If he’s reading a book to her, he will stop and explain concepts he feels she might not understand.
> 
> Tzivya is my favorite. Tzivya is my favorite because of her sweetness, her grace and her smile. Tzivya’s smile could make your heart melt (true, I’m a bit biased on the matter…). Tzivya is my favorite because she is so fun. I can tease her, as a father, in ways that I cannot do with my boys. A long-running joke in my house is that we are going to change her name to “Hossenpfeffer.” She loves it when I play these games with her. I can tell her that I found a quarter behind her ear while we are waiting for her school bus. I can’t do that with my boys. Tzivya is my favorite because she is a joy to be around.
> 
> So, to sum it all up, all of my kids are my favorites, for different reasons. And I now understand the answer to the question that I had throughout my childhood.

Zev Steinhardt

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**Author:** ![eleanorigby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@eleanorigby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eleanorigby)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093/17 "2005-08-22T16:59:28Z")

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Exactly, **Zev**.

I love my daughter(almost 16) and she is my favorite. She is my oldest and my only girl. I love her extrovert personality, her persistence, her courage. Smart as a whip and nice to boot. Pretty, too.

#1 son(almost 14) is also my favorite. He shares my snarky sense of humor, my introverted dreaminess. He is almost too smart for his own good, but caring and good natured as well.

#2 son is another fav of mine! Sweet and loving–he cares so much about the world with his little 7 year old soul. He is bright and funny, but also practical and wise.

They are all my favorites for different reasons. Viva la difference!

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**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093/18 "2005-08-22T17:01:17Z")

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No.

My stepdaughter is a wonderful young woman. She has just gone away to college and is going to do great and wonderful things.

My stepson is a shitstain in the underwear of the world. If he caught on fire, I wouldn’t piss in his ear to put him out.

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**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093/19 "2005-08-22T17:12:04Z")

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Those of you who have step-children and have favorites…do you think you favor one over the other because they’re not your natural children? That you weren’t with them from birth?

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**Author:** ![Pensandfeathers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a183cd/32.png) [@Pensandfeathers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pensandfeathers)\
**Post date:** [August 22, 2005, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-love-all-your-kids-equally/318093/20 "2005-08-22T17:39:15Z")

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My dad picks favorites, and for whatever reason I’m the chosen one out of his 4 children. I always figured he was rather attached to me because I’m the baby of the clan and I came around later in his life (early 40’s), but I honestly don’t know. It has been more or less confirmed by my dad, and my mother, step-mother and siblings have all told me at one point or another that he likes me best.

I don’t act like a princess and I’ve never been a major brat (or any more of one than any other little girl) - but being dubbed the favorite sort of sucks because my siblings (especially my sisters) resent me for it. I don’t get anything special - dad doesn’t send me extra money or better birthday and Christmas presents. If anything, I get a little more praise and he’s forgiving of my mistakes. Actually - the last one is rather important, since he has a bad habit of holding grudges and holding everything my brother and sisters have done against them. He just doesn’t seem to do that with me, and I don’t know what I’ve done to warrant different treatment.

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