# Do you prefer to be passive or active during sex? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [July 16, 2008, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709 "2008-07-16T16:55:19Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2008, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709/1 "2008-07-16T16:55:19Z")
During a lot of sexual activity, it’s common for one partner to be more active than the other. One climbs on top, moves around, and initiates the bulk of the activities. The other just lies (lays?) there and enjoys it. While I assume (and feel free to challenge my assumption) that most people like being in both roles from time to time, which do you prefer most often? Include demographic information if you want. Me, straight male, passive. Let her do all the work. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2008, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709/2 "2008-07-16T17:38:57Z")
> [@](#): > > During a lot of sexual activity, it’s common for one partner to be more active than the other. One climbs on top, moves around, and initiates the bulk of the activities. The other just lies (lays?) there and enjoys it. This seems a bit odd. While one person may take over doing things for some of the time, both people, in my experience, are active during any session, and very often both are doing something simultaneously. An entire session with only one person working while the other “received” is outside my personal experience. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2008, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709/3 "2008-07-16T17:39:36Z")
Er…I didn’t know that one had to be passive during sex. The other just lies there? That’s not been my experience… ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2008, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709/4 "2008-07-16T17:41:51Z")
[QUOTE=CalMeacham] This seems a bit odd. While one person may take over doing things for some of the time, both people, in my experience, are active during any session, and very often both are doing something simultaneously. An entire session with only one person working while the other “received” is outside my personal experience. [/QUOTE] I think during a “normal” session, there will be periods where one partner is more active than the other, even if for only a short time. Being passive for the entire time is less common, but can happen. Ever tried being the active partner when you’re tied up? It’s not easy. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2008, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709/5 "2008-07-16T17:49:43Z")
> [@](#): > > Ever tried being the active partner when you’re tied up? It’s not easy. Sure it is. Nobody ever said you had to be active with your arms and legs. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2008, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709/6 "2008-07-16T17:58:30Z")
I guess I’m not explaining it very well. When I’m receiving oral sex, for example, I’m the passive one. I’ll lie back and enjoy it. My GF is pretty much in control of my preasure, so she’s the active one. When I’m giving, it’s the reverse. This is not to say that the passive partner is not involved in the action. This could also apply to manual stimulation, using toys, etc. When it comes to intercourse, the person on top usually controls the tempo and depth. Maybe this is outside of most people’s experience, but I found it to be the case with probably 90% of the women I’ve been with. ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2008, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709/7 "2008-07-16T18:30:12Z")
I don’t like it _too_ much when she has full control. When thinking about old people eating oatmeal is the only option you have for delaying orgasm, it’s a bit of a buzzkill. Ugh. Old people eating oatmeal. For, like, _minutes_. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2008, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709/8 "2008-07-16T18:47:21Z")
[QUOTE=Larry Mudd] I don’t like it _too_ much when she has full control. [/QUOTE] Oh, I do. I love to totally surrender. ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2008, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709/9 "2008-07-16T19:52:31Z")
[QUOTE=Larry Mudd] thinking about old people eating oatmeal [/QUOTE] _fap fap fap fap fap_ ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2008, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709/10 "2008-07-16T20:11:37Z")
Depends on what they’re willing to pay for. ---
**Author:** ![mr.jp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/48db29/32.png) [@mr.jp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mr.jp)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2008, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709/11 "2008-07-16T20:21:08Z")
Male, straight, prefer active. As Larry said, it is then much easier to control your orgasm. Also it is a better way to build up to her orgasm, and to increase sensation through it. And well, I just like being in control. ---
**Author:** ![E.Thorp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@E.Thorp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E.Thorp)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2008, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709/12 "2008-07-16T20:29:38Z")
Yep. Sure do. ---
**Author:** ![nashiitashii](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/7c8e57/32.png) [@nashiitashii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nashiitashii)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2008, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709/13 "2008-07-16T20:33:32Z")
Female in a hetero relationship: I’m definitely more of a switch hitter, as I like both aspects. If I’m really tired, however, I want to just lay there and orgasm repeatedly. I find, though, that 80% of the time, I spend some time in control of the motion and a lot of the time we’re both contributing to the overall motion/friction. I am, however, sometimes a total buzzkill in that, if I’m on top and orgasming, I’ll sometimes just plop down and stop until the orgasm ceases to be happening. It’s very frustrating for my SO. ---
**Author:** ![chacoguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/50afbb/32.png) [@chacoguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chacoguy)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2008, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709/14 "2008-07-16T21:23:19Z")
I have to be active, I have no choice. You see, there’s just me here. 😃 Oh, yeah, there’s just me here. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2008, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709/15 "2008-07-16T23:01:58Z")
It changes like the weather. Sometimes I’m dominant. Sometimes SHE is. Sometimes we BOTH struggle for dominance. (that’s always fun) And sometimes when we’re tired and horny we both fight for the bottom position. (Kind of funny actually) ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [July 16, 2008, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709/16 "2008-07-16T23:23:54Z")
I can take the dom role, but I prefer sub. That doesn’t mean I’m inactive, though-it just means that I’m _re_active. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2008, 12:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709/17 "2008-07-17T00:35:10Z")
Present and accounted for is more than sufficient for me, whether passive or aggressive. What…you people have never heard of ‘do-overs’? 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Risha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/5fc32e/32.png) [@Risha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Risha)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2008, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709/18 "2008-07-17T03:23:15Z")
Female, straight, married. My husband and I both prefer the passive role, so effectively we end up switching off anyway. Except that I almost always end up giving him oral at some point, since we both love it. (Or was that TMI?) ---
**Author:** ![Autolycus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/22d042/32.png) [@Autolycus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Autolycus)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2008, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709/19 "2008-07-17T03:36:42Z")
The real lesson here is that **tdn** is bad in bed. 😃 I like to mix it up. Some days I just want to lay there like a rock. Other days I’m a pumping machine. Usually it’s a bit of both. ---
**Author:** ![Sanity\_Challenged](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9de053/32.png) [@Sanity\_Challenged](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sanity_Challenged)\ **Post date:** [July 17, 2008, 4:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709/20 "2008-07-17T04:04:41Z")
Would the cameraman be considered active or passive? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/do-you-prefer-to-be-passive-or-active-during-sex/456709.md?page=2)